A Little Bit of Us (6 page)

     James, being the good son that he is, and the grumpy son that he also is squeezes between them, practically sitting on both of their laps. Me and Lucas look at each other and laugh silently.

     “I’m thirsty,” I announce. “Anybody want a drink?”

     “Lucas will get it,” James says and glares at him mom. “I’m not moving from this seat.” I grin smugly at Lucas and plonk myself on the couch whilst whistling the Star Wars theme tune, it seems like a dramatic enough tune for this moment in time.

     “Sitting a bit close to Jacob there aren’t you James?” I motion to the less than an inch gap between them. “I remember once you told me you loved the feel of body heat against you.” I wink at Jacob. “Don’t worry I don’t think he’s sporting wood yet.”

     James does the fish motion at me, then he speaks, “I was talking about yours. And he’s male. Don’t be crude.”

     “Nothing wrong with being gay James.”

     “I am not gay.”

     “Homosexual, bi
sexual. Whatever you want to label it.”

     “You’re pregnant, how did I get you pregnant if I’m gay?” he snaps but jumps from the couch and parks himself between his mom and myself. “Explain that?”

     “I’m either a very good looking boy or you’re more confused than originally thought.” Lucas takes this moment to walk in and hand me my drink. I take it from him and grin mischievously, “James is gay.”

     “I’m not gay.”

     “He did used to like wearing dresses when he was younger,” Sylvia adds thoughtfully. “And lipstick, sometimes heels.”

     “I thought you didn’t
adopt him until he was like ten or something.”

     She chuckles and shakes her head in amusement, “
He was five when I adopted him.” I really should pay better attention. “But he loved dressing up until he was about eleven.” Now I’m listening.

     “I hate you both, really hate you both,” James growls and glowers at his mom. “That is not true.”

     “Yes it is sweetie,” she waves him off with a flippant hand. “I’ve got pictures. I’ll show Lucas next time. You’d like that right Lucas?” I sure as hell would!

     “Yes ma’am,” Lucas snorts and ducks as James throws a pillow at him.

     “I like dresses,” Amelia chirps in.

     I nod in agreement, “Me too kid. So does
Uncle James.”

     “I do not!”

     “Do too.”

      “I never did, so whatever he got as a child I’m glad I didn’t catch it,” Lucas also chirps in, barely containing his laughter. “How’d we get onto this subject? I was gone for one minute tops.”

     “James said he liked how warm Jacob’s leg felt against his thigh.” I deadpan. “I was shocked to say the least until Sylvia confirmed the dress thing.”

     James eyes go wide, “I did n
ot say that at all! Did I Jacob?”

     “I believe you also said, Christ I’m sporting wood,” Jacob shrugs and gives me a playful smirk. “I swear Lucas, he kept stroking my arm.”

     By this point Lucas is laughing so hard no sound is coming out, it looks like he’s choking. I’m struggling to contain it myself but somehow I manage to keep a blank face. “It’s ok James. We all understand.”

     “I hate you all. Seriously, disowning every last one of you.”

     “I have his anchor right here,” I pat my belly and stick my tongue out at a flustered looking James who is now standing in the middle of the room glaring at us all. “One little male invader slow cooking in the oven. At least you get a kid before you step out of the closet. That’s always a bonus.”

     He sighs and leans against the wall, “One of these days I’m going to get you back.”

     I put on a deep voice, “When you least expect it. Muhaha.” That was my evil laugh in full form. Where’s that grey fluffy cat? “Hey!” I suddenly squeal startling them all. “Now we have an actual reason to go to all those awesome gay clubs. Thanks James, you’re awesome.”

     “Not biting.” He states with a firm nod. “It’ll only encourage you.”

     We opt for another Disney movie due to Amelia being in the room and Lucas being rather protective when it comes to movies above a Universal rating. I’m squished on the couch between James and Sinus blocker, I mean Sylvia. Jacob is sat at the end with Amelia curled around him and Lucas is on the armchair a few feet to the right. “I wish I could fly.”

     “So they need fairy dust and happy thoughts. Huh, I’m pretty sure you can buy fairy dust from the stationary store,” Jacob says and leans forward so he can see me over Sylvia who is as enthralled as Amelia is by the movie. “I don’t mind letting you test the theory.”

     “Jacob wants me dead.”

     “Just injured.”

     “Be quiet,” Amelia chastises making me snigger and reach behind Sylvia to tug on her braid. She spins and glowers at Jacob who holds his hand
s up in surrender. “Wasn’t me.”

     After a moment I do it again, this time she glares at Sylvia. Sylvia points at me, her eyes never leaving the screen. Amelia huffs and glares at me. “Stop it.”

     “Stop what?”

     “Pulling my hair.” Her little scrunched up face is adorable to say the least.

     “Ok.”

     “You pwomise?” she narrows her green eyes in suspicion. I nod, “Of course.” My fingers are crossed at
my side making my promise empty, I’m going to have to teach her this.

What a wrong lesson to teach a child.

And this is the reason I should NOT be a parent. Ding, ding, ding.

     Evil laugh commencing, in my head of course otherwise I’d give up the entire operation. I call it, annoy the kid until she squeals for her daddy.

     I reach behind Sylvia once more and tug on her braid, I’m not doing it hard, just a tiny little tug
that’s enough to annoy but not to cause even a tiny fraction of pain. “DADDY!” Amelia squeals, startling Lucas from his Peter Pan stupor. “Maya keep pulling my hair.”

     “I do not!”

     “Yes she does daddy. Tell her.”

     Lucas rolls his eyes, “Maya. Leave her alone.”

     Amelia sticks her tongue out at me and moves to the other side of Jacob’s lap so I can’t reach her. Clever little chimp. So, now that my entertainment has moved aside. What can I do?

Feed your cunny!

     If there i
s anything I hate in this world it is airport security. Not only does it take ages, it also takes time upon that ages. I just don’t have the patience for it. At least I didn’t get searched this time. Lucas and Jacob did though, that was fun to watch and it made me forget about my time waiting for a brief few minutes. Jacob is seeing us off, that’s the reason he has six security guards surrounding him. I told him not to come but he and Amelia insisted.  So not only did we have to suffer with airport security but we also had to suffer with a few of his screaming fans.

    At least now we are
finally through security and there aren’t as many people, as we are in the first class lounge waiting to board. Jacob had to actually buy a ticket to make it this far. He’s crazy.

    “I am actually going to miss you.” I say and wrap my arms around his waist. Making sure to inhale deeply so as I can burn his gorgeous scent onto my brain. “Come back for Thanksgiving.”

    “No can do, at my parents,” he says and sticks out his lower lip. “But I’ll come see you for New Year.”

    “Oh my god, I’m going to be a blimp on New
Year’s Eve!” I’m four months now, I’ll be about five and a half on thanksgiving. Six and a half on New Year’s Eve. Why do I suddenly want to cry?

Because you’ll be fat and won’t be able to see your moo.

Pregnant women are beautiful. Stretchmark’s and all.

     Other pregnant women are beautiful,
other
, notice the emphasis on that word. Other. Not me, I won’t suit the soccer ball up the shirt look. I never even had a baby doll when I was little. Of course I had Barbie’s but they never had babies. Even on the Sims I don’t make my families have babies. Then again I don’t usually have families, I usually make me, Marie, Summer and Jessica all roommates and make us attend or throw parties every night, because let’s face it, the clubs on the Sims are hardly hopping.

     I feel like playing the Sims now.
Sims three to be exact. Haven’t played that in a while, I was obsessed with number two in college. Completely getting sidetracked here. Darn it.

     “You’ll be gorgeous no matter what,” Jacob laughs at my disgruntled reaction. “And it will all be worth it.”

     I squeeze him tighter and sigh deeply, he does the same and kisses the top of my head before releasing me. “See you later.”

    “Yeah,” he beams and kisses my cheek. “See you later.” Because it’s not goodbye so there’s no use in saying it.
He takes his time saying see you later to the others, mainly Amelia who looks heartbroken and says, “I’m going to call you always because I love you.” Which earns a few awww’s and sniffs from the small crowd. He shakes Lucas’ hand and gives James the male equivalent of a hug, the one pat on the back thing, then hugs and kisses Sylvia on the cheek causing her to sway a little.

     I hand over my boarding pass
to the hostess behind the desk and watch Jacob hand his to a lone woman in the line for coach. He turns, waves and winks before disappearing into his herd of bodyguards. “Oh my god, Jacob Stone just gave me a plane ticket.” The woman squeals as she enters the lounge. With a grin of my own I follow James, Sylvia, Amelia and Lucas to our seats smiling the entire way so I don’t cry. I never did say thank you to Jacob for having me. Let’s just pray I’m not making the biggest mistake of my life by coming back here.

    Ever heard of anyone getting flight sickness? Yeah, me neither. Apparently I’ve been struck with it for the first time in my life, we’ve been flying for half an hour and so far I’ve been in the bathroom six times. The baby doesn’t like flying and the whole thing is making James frantic.

     “Drink this, little sips. Or
is it big sips? Can you have a Zofran? Is that allowed? Lucas, Lucas, are pregnant women allowed Zofran? Excuse me ma’am.” I know I’m sick but listening to his frantic and panicked tone whilst firing his multitude of questions without even waiting for an answer is pretty darn funny. Now he has his hand in the air, using it to flag the air hostess down like an idiot. I grab his flailing arm, immediately halting his movements.

     “Shut up will you.” I’m laughing but still, he needs to calm down.

     His other hand goes straight to my belly, “I’m just worried. We should have gotten a train.” All that rocking and swaying and the long hours not to mention the many stops, no thank you. I don’t get a chance to say this though as he’s started firing questions at poor Lucas again who looks about ready to slap him. Unfortunately Sylvia is snoring away not far behind our own seats so she’s no help right now.

     “Uncle James, be quiet,” Amelia snaps and repositions her head phones. Giggling like a piggy I recline my seat
, relax back and fumble with my own headphones until I get them to the desired comfort on my head. James can panic alone, Star Trek is on.

     I don’t eat the food, I try to sleep instead. We hit a little turbulence at one point but from vomiting four times I’m pretty worn out, that mixed with whatever the invader is doing to me. Is he a battery or something? I swear it feels like he’s charging and taking all of my energy. I might switch the name invader and call him Duracell instead. It seems just as fitting.

     Fortunately I don’t fully wake until we are
landing, in which case James wakes me up with a light shake to the arm and a soft kiss on my nose. I wouldn’t want to kiss my mouth either. Unfortunately I’ve not put a toothbrush in my travel bag. It’s somewhere in my suitcase, damn me and my disorganized ways. At least James had some mouthwash handy.

     We have a driver waiting for us just on the other side of security. We’re all silent and grumpy, not much conversation happens unless you count grunting and humming as conversation, then yeah, we had a hell of a chat.
I imagine it to be a lot like how cavemen used to communicate, minus the awesome outfits and makeshift clubs.

     As soon as we exit the airport I genuinely feel like rolling around on the ground screaming, “LAND!” A little dramatic but now I’m not a mile high my stomach feels fine apart from a little fluttering in my belly that would rival that of a jar of butterflies.

     The ride home is long and tiresome, we drop Lucas and Amelia off first at our old place, and then we drop Sylvia off and finally get to ours about an hour later because of crappy traffic. Now I need sleep, I need it like I need my next breath. I have that feeling where I’m about to cry because all I want is my bed, my back aches, my throat is burning and my legs have seized from lack of movement. Sucks to be me right now.

     James clearly feels the same, he looks like he’s about to drop. We head up the elevator in silence, it’s weird to be back,
and I’m too tired to put much thought into it right now.

     The door opens to the apartment and I step through, there’s a sudden stillness between me and James, we have both stopped in our tracks. An unspoken conversation going on, I’m not sure what we’re saying through the tension that’s as thick as tar. Right now we’re both agreeing that words are better left unsaid until we aren’t fatigued and suffering with discomfort and a little jetlag. We aren’t in LA anymore, there’s no protective bubble around our relationship, there’s no hiding the reality of what is, we’ve just stepped into said reality, we’re standing by the wall where I said goodbye. This is so much harder than I thought it would be.

The problem is you didn’t think of it at all.

     At least I didn’t have the slow buildup of nerves and constant unanswered questions swimming around my head that would have made this moment in time so much worse. One thing I am going to have to do most likely, is move out. Just for a while, until we’ve established ourselves and our relationship.

    “Come on,” James says softly and takes my hand. I shake my head and pull it away, “I’m going to the spare room.” I grab my case but he takes it from me. “Please.” Even I’m a little disgruntled by the desperate tone to my voice.

     Thankfully he nods, his face a blank mask and leads me down the hall, my shoulder’s sag with relief and the tension ebbs from my body. “You take our room, the bed’s better for your back. I’ll take the spare.”

     “Thank you,” I murmur, just loud enough for him to hear. He smiles sadly at me
and starts to turn, he stops again and leans forward. Before his lips touch mine I turn my head giving him my cheek. His hand cups the cheek that he kissed, with sad eyes and a thin lipped smile he backs away before leaving completely. I finally let out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding and pad into the bathroom. I’ll shower tomorrow, right now I have a furry tongue with matching teeth, brush first then bed.

     Looking at myself in the mirror as I brush
my pearly whites I prod my face, I don’t look different. I turn to the side and lift up my top. There’s definitely some rounding of the belly going on. I look back at my face, my skin is smoother, I have zero zits which is great but nothing is different, yet I feel more mature. I feel like I have aged ten years in the past few months alone. Is it possible that I’ve been tamed? I don’t feel the need for sex, I don’t feel the need to party?

You’re in love and you’re pregnant, take your pick of answers to that question.

I miss the old Maya.

     I don’t even remember the old Maya, I don’t think I’ve heard from her in a while now, maybe since before my dad died. Tomorrow I’ll take some flowers to his grave before work, whenever I go there are always flowers there, he has a lot of visitors because he touched a lot of hearts that’s why I wasn’t too sad about leaving the state. That and I feel stupid for going, that sounds mean but I just don’t feel him anymore. I wish I could say, “Yes, he’s all around me.” In my world I feel him in my heart. Whether I visit his grave or not I keep his memory with me and that’s the best my mind can conjure, the best my emotions can feel and or handle.

    
There’s a moment, a moment in time where you get a feeling of deep despair. I got it when my dad told me his chemo had failed, that earth shattering moment when your heart stops and you struggle for breath. I got it when those pictures fell from that brown envelope. My hands trembled and my heart physically hurt. I have it again now as I stare down at our empty bed. My quivering fingers clasp the edge of the deep purple blanket and my arm moves forcing it to slide back revealing the grey bed sheet. The empty grey bed sheet. One that had no significance before but does now for whatever reason. I slide in, sighing as I sink into the mattress, a sigh of pure comfort. Resting my head back I place my hands on my belly and stare at the ceiling. This should be a happy moment for any couple, I should be over the moon, and we should be laid together right now with his hand stroking my stomach fondly. Arguing about names and talking about who he’ll look more like, what features he’ll get, etc. Am I really that bad of a person that I despise the situation I’m in? I’m unhappy and a little frantic at the fact an invader has taken up residence in my womb. Does this make me a bad mom? If I’m this angry and solemn over it now how will I be when I actually have him? What if I don’t love him enough, what if I fail? He’s just a baby, an innocent little being with no choice in this and he gets stuck with me as a mom. At least he has James for when I do suck. That helps me feel a little bit better.

     I don’t doubt that I’ll love him.

And you will.

    I don’t doubt that I’ll tr
easure him. I doubt my abilities as a person to give him what he needs emotionally. There are so many things I’ve messed up in my life I don’t want this poor little thing on the receiving end of my bullshit like so many before him.

You’re being morbid because you’re tired. Go to sleep and think more in the morning.

Now that sounds like a grand plan.

     I don’t know why but I had a dream last night about a certain event in my life, it was about James’ proposal. I remember it like it was yesterday.

     A week after my father told me to marry James, he called me and invited me to the Ritz for dinner. I knew what was coming, I remember feeling like the world was about to end, much like I do now. He picked me up looking handsome as usual in a black tailored suit. The full memory is obviously hazy but from there we sat at a table in a private room. He was nervous, all of his movements were shaky and a little clumsy. He even tipped his glass over at one point. Fortunately it was only water and the wave missed us both. Still funny though.

     Like the bitch I was (and still am) I said, “Look, we both know why we’re here. Let’s just get the ring on
, discuss the terms and go home to our lives.”

     His mouth fell open in shock, he obviously found it funny
, probably thinking I was as nervous as him. I wasn’t, I was just impatient and annoyed with the situation, that and because I wanted to see the ring he’d chosen. “Ok. Sure.” He went to stand, no doubt to get on his knee. I stopped him, there was no need for romance so I held out my hand. Keep in mind I wasn’t in a good place as it was with my father being ill and all. “Maya Elizabeth Johnson. Will you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”