A Little Bit of Us (3 page)

    
We come back inside at lunch time. The house keeper who I’ve actually seen only four times since I moved in quickly runs out of the kitchen like a skittish mouse or something. I know Jacob pays her to be nearly invisible. He hates the fact he’s lazy enough to have a house keeper and seeing her just reminds him of that. Lucas and James both look at me in question, I just shrug and start pulling sandwich stuff from the refrigerator. I’m feeling a chicken and chorizo sub on seeded bread with chili mayonnaise. Mm.

     “She makes the best sandwiches ever,” Lucas says as I get to work. James hums in agreement. I shoot them both a smile over my shoulder and switch the radio on.
“So, are you coming home?”

     “I doubt Jacob will want a screaming newborn in the house,” James adds. This is true, but it’s not necessarily an urgent matter as of yet. “I’d love my screaming newborn in my house.” Yeah. I’m sure you will buddy. I totally ignore th
em and hum whilst I fill the subs. “It’s not up for discussion yet apparently.”

     “We’ll just have to show her what she’s missing.” Apparently because I’m ignoring them I’m suddenly no longer in the room. Go figure.

     “Auntie Maya, come home,” Amelia says sweetly and flutters her little eyelashes. I blink and glower at her father who holds his hands up in surrender and points to James. So I glower at James who does the same but points at Amelia. And Amelia bless her little heart points at both of them. “Pwease.”

     “Maybe,” I respond and kiss her forehead. I place the food on the table and grab a few drinks from the
refrigerator, giving Amelia a fresh orange. I wasn’t allowed soda until I was sixteen. Really. But I’m glad because my teeth are in top form. “Stop using a little girl to conspire against me.”

     “What’
s cospire?”

    
“Conspire sweetie, it means they’re ganging up on me and using you because they know I can’t say no to your gorgeous little face,” I explain as simply as possible and hand her a four inch sub. She nods like a tiny adult and takes a huge bite, a bite that would rival that of a lions. Wow. Her little legs swing beneath her as she eats happily. Damn this kid will eat anything and enjoy it.

Nah, you’re just a good cook
.

     I thought you were a humble Conscience? I’m confused. My own mind is giving me a headache. If that makes sense. It sure does to me.

     This reminds me of a time, let me first say drugs are bad, when I was in high school I was a cheerleader
for a short amount of time. I hung around with the captain a lot. What was her name? Yikes. I can’t remember. Sally or something like that. Anyway, so we went to the patch. The dead ground in the woods I’ve mentioned before and this guy was handing out mushrooms. Shrooms as more commonly known, or magic mushrooms, or psychedelic mushrooms I think. She took one, I didn’t. I get my high from life not from the dangerous shit life sometimes offers. Well, it didn’t go well. At first she was all, “Oh my god. I can see a horse.” Then she was all. “Oh my god there’s a penguin on the horse and it wants to eat me.” I kid you not. These were her exact words. Funny how I can remember this and not her name. So she started freaking out and running around, after half an hour of chasing her she started stripping and clawing at her skin. We had to pin her down.

     And the reason this reminds me of that is because after a while she started arguing with herself about her shoes
, much like I argue with myself about sex and other things. Apparently Sally A didn’t like them but Sally B did. We are calling her Sally now because the story is pointless without a name behind it. “But the heel is too thick,” she cried. “No it’s not. It’s perfect. A stiletto would have sank into the mud.” And that went on for an hour before she threw up and crashed. I’ll never forget that night, it’s the night I first met Paul. He went out with James to search for me with my dad after a failed attempt of me sneaking out.

     Paul and James found me
drunk out of my mind and dancing around a tiny fire with a bottle of vodka in my hand surrounded by my friends. Fortunately James has never brought up that night because I’m pretty sure I came onto him and offered him my virginity on the hood of his car. And then I threw up all over Paul’s shoes and took a pee in a bush where I got ant bites all over my ass.

     Nope, really not looking forward to this. At all. James and I are sat in cold green padded chairs at my new
doctor’s office. He’s been in LA two days now and has been bouncing with excitement for this. I swear I’ve never seen a more backwards relationship than ours. It’s ridiculous.

     “Maybe we should go shopping?” he suggests. He hates shopping. “For baby stuff. You’ll feel it more then, right?”

     “No.”

     “Please.”

     “No.” I flick through the year old magazine. Huh, I’m in this one. “Look, it’s a notice for our wedding day.”

     James grins, his jaw working as he chews on a piece of gum. “That’s great. Hopefully there’ll be another one soon.”

     “Umm…” I’m about to slap him upside the head but my name is called. Time to go in. “Let’s just go home. Maybe if we don’t look at it, it’ll swim away.”

     James laughs out loud, startling the other patients and pushes me into the room after my extremely tall, red headed doctor. I liked her the other day, then she told me I was pregnant and tried to force me into a sonogram.

     “Hey mommy, is this daddy?” Why’s she calling me mommy? She’s older than me by about twenty years.

Because you’re pregnant dumbass!

Hahahahahah.

Shut up!

     “Yes, I’m the dad,” he raises his hand and smiles as I lay on the table bed thing. “And I’m excited enough for the both of us.”

     “Any chance the machine isn’t working?”
I grumble, she rolls her eyes. Are doctors allowed to do that? With a huff I lay on the bed and lift up my top. She squirts some gel on my stomach after rolling a machine over and gets the prong ready.

     Then the door bursts open and sinus blocker Sylvia walks in.

     I grab the doctor’s sleeve, and with feigned panic I hiss, “Get the holy water.” James pulls me back, his body shaking with laughter. The doctor rolls her eyes but this time giggles a little herself.

     “Mom, I told you to stay at home.”
The woman doing the ultrasound bursts out laughing, no doubt at my joke after realizing this woman is my mother in law. “Sorry,” she mumbles and calms herself.

     Sylvia dismisses me and kisses James on the head, “Nonsense. I want to be here to witness this.” Witness what? I don’t like her snarky undertone.

     “You know what, suddenly I’m feeling ill,” I go to sit up but the doctor pushes me back down.

     “Come on,” Sylvia says and rubs her hands together
excitedly. James whispers something to her, he looks angry. When he catches my eye he grips my hand and smiles reassuringly. What’s going on?

    
The doc starts moving the strange plastic thing over my belly and begins clicking on her computer. She turns the screen. I see it, I see a grey head, a green/black background, and a constant flicker in the center. An arm twitches and little legs are curled to its chest. “You are, fifteen weeks and three days,” she says with a smile. “Would you like to know the sex?”

     “Ask him,” I point to James with my thumb. Too busy staring at the screen.

     “Yeah,” he says, his voice barely above a whisper. He clears his throat and repeats himself. “Yes. I’d like to know.”

      She moves the thing across my belly and clicks a few more times, “You’re having a boy.”

      “WHAT?” I screech and go to sit up but James has me by the shoulders. He kisses me forehead, staring at the screen looking extremely happy. I’m numb. So damn numb I could get a piercing through my nose and not feel it. Fuck.

     “I’m going to be a grandmother,” Sylvia beams and they start talking about pictures and weight and 3D sonograms and such. Sylvia also announces the fact I’ll need to be transferred back to a city doctor. James chastises her. I remain silent, I now have a picture in my hand of the intruder. Photographic evidence that
my life is over. Great. “I’m sorry for doubting you.” Sylvia says.

     I shrug, still numb and ignore James’ concerned gaze. I’m officially stupefied. Like on Harry Potter. I feel like Neville when Hermione zapped him and he froze. That’s me. A wizard has done this, yes, that must be it, bec
ause right now I can’t even hear Conscience or Libido in my mind. Fuck.

     “You ok?” James asks and helps me into the passenger seat. I don’t reply, I rest my forehead against the window and look out at whatever scenery passes us by. “Babe.”

     “I’m going to my hotel, we’ll meet for dinner,” Sylvia says and taps me on the shoulder. “You’ll be ok.”

     I ignore her too, because as I’ve explained before I’m agitated and snappy and I just want to be left alone.

     “I’m going to have a son,” James pearly white smile catches the corner of my eye. “This is great. I’m sorry we didn’t get a girl but we’ll love him all the same right?” Right. Because I’m so responsible and mature. He doesn’t expect me to answer, he just reaches over and takes my hand in his and gives it a gentle squeeze. It does little to cheer me up. Why’s he even here? This is all his fault.

Now, now. Let’s not take our anger out on James.

Take that aggression out sexually. That way you’ll be able to hurt him and you’ll both enjoy it.

Wise up, grow up. You’re about to have a baby.

Your vagina will be ruined.

Not true because then no mom would ever have sex again.

     I stay silent as we walk into the house, I stay silent as I open the refrigerator and grab a bottle of water. I stay silent as I pad upstairs and into my bedroom. The only noise I make at this point is the slamming of my door and the rustling of the blanket as I pull it back and climb under it.

     Snot,
diapers, poop, snot, poop, pee, drool. That’s going to be my life in five months. Five damn months! Not seven, not eight but fucking FIVE! GAH!

     The door opens and closes, the bed dips and I hear James let out a long breath. “Are you ok?”

     “No.”

     “Do you want to talk about
it?”

     “I don’t want a baby. Not yet. Not ever.” I sniff and it’s then I realize I’m crying. “Go away.” He doesn’t, he just curls up behind me and tucks me into his body. My person
al James body glove. “Leave me alone James.”

     He shakes his head and kisses the curve of my neck. That’s all he says, if it counts as a response, as I lay here sniveling like a kid and clinging to
him like a monkey. I can’t help it. This is not good news, I need a whiskey.

     “Why’s your mom here?” I ask after half an hour of crying. M
y eyes are puffy, my nose is red and I sound like I have a cold. Attractive.

     “She didn’t believe the baby was mine, because you’ve been here for two months with another man,” he states, completely monotone. I shrug, “I don’t much care what she thinks. She has no right to be angry at me.”

     “I totally agree. It was me that fucked up. But she is my mom, she saw me hurting and saw you as the cause. Plus the way you walked out after signing the papers was pretty harsh. You didn’t even hesitate.”

     “Like they say when you’re about to bungee jump. Don’t stop to think, just jump. Or the fear will kick in,” I pad into the bathroom and wash my face. “If I didn’t sign right away I doubt I would’ve done at all.”
This last part is to myself. “You should go home.”

     “Not without you,” he comes up behind me and rests his chin on my shoulder. “Please. I don’t want to lose you.” His hand flattens against my stomach. “Shouldn’t you have a bump? Why didn’t I ask the doctor? Is this normal?”

     “If it wasn’t then she would’ve said,” I bite out and push his hand away. “Can we just stop talking about the damn intruder ok? I don’t want to think about it.”

     “If you move back home I’ll take responsibility when it’s born. I swear,” he practically begs and kisses my nose. “
You won’t lose your freedom.” But what kind of person would that make me?

A shit one.

A free one.

     “I said I’ll think about it.” End of discussion, all of you, I mean us, I mean me, and James.

     I have a shower and when I go back into the ro
om, wearing nothing but a towel I expect James to pounce. Instead I find him on the bed with a few books scattered around him and a pen in his mouth. They’re the baby books we got from the doctors. Our welcome to parenthood pack. More like welcome to prison, population every parent in the world. If you need me you can find me in the gang called Mad Mommy’s, versus, Positive Papa’s. We’ll even have our own colors. We’ll be all purple and black, they’ll be like yellow or some happy shit.

What on earth are you on about?

If it involves sex give me a shout.

     “Morning sickness?” he asks and pats the empty spot of bed beside him. With a sigh I slide on, being careful not to knock the baby bibles. “Heartburn?”

     “I feel fine, I’ve had no sickness, no pains and no periods. The reason I went in the first place was because I haven’t had a period since I started my pill. I started it wrong though.”
Like the idiot that I am. She told me to wait until my period began. But in my defense I still had morphine in my system and didn’t really pay attention until the doctor reminded me the other day and I was like, oh yeah I remember her saying now. “I don’t feel pregnant thank god.” If I did, this would suck tenfold.

     “We are going to get through this, I promise,” he says and kisses me softly. “Please come home.”

     “Go back to reading,” I turn over and close my eyes. Even though I doubt I’ll be able to sleep it’s worth a shot.

     “What about names?” he says quietly and I hear a page flip. I shrug, “You name it.”

     “What if I want to name him after me? James Lucas Freeman.”

     “Whatever,” I sigh noncommittally. He’s right, I really can’t do this alone. I’m so far detached from the situation my brain may as well be in China whilst my body lingers here. If that was possible I’d take that option in a heartbeat. I’ve always wanted to go to China. I’ve been but I didn’t see past the hotel I stayed in.

     See if I have a baby I won’t just be up and able to leave the country on demand. Not that I actually do that but it’s the thought of it more than anything. I won’t just be able to get up and stroll to the shop, I’ll have to change the kid, get it snuggled up and put it in whatever it is you put something so small in and then I’ll have to pray it stays asleep. Not to mention I’ll be knackered and probably stink of baby vomit.

     “We’re bringing someone into the world Maya, you’ll change your views when he’s born,”
James sounds far too sure. I almost laugh because he’s totally wrong. I’m the one that’s got to push it out of my vagina. Besides, all newborns look like wrinkly little gnomes, minus the hat and beards. How on earth am I going to enjoy that? Shudder. “We’ll be fine.”

     “I’m sleeping,” I mumbl
e and sink further into the bed and sleep I do.

     I wake up to the sun blazing through the window and my phone ringing, oh and don’t forget the tentacle monster wrapped around me. Groan. Slowly I slide out from under him and pick up my phone. It’s Marie.

     “Why has Jacob just informed me that not only is James there but he’s sleeping with you!” ok, that sounded like it should have been a question but it wasn’t. “Have you forgiven him?”
That was definitely a question.

     “Marie,” I sigh and rub my eyes. “Give me a second
to wake up before you rant at me.”

     “You better answer me now bitch.”

     “Ok, ok,” I need to pee. “Just a sec.” Ahhh, that feels good.

     “Are you peeing?”

     “Honey, I’m always peeing I’m fucking pregnant,” I bite out and glare at my stomach. She stays silent, save for a sharp gasp. “Yep. No shit. Almost sixteen weeks.”

    “I bet James is happy.”

     “He fell asleep reading pregnancy books last night.” I snort and wash my hands with Marie on speaker phone. “Marie, everything is so…”

     “Fucked
up?”

     “Yeah.”

     “Contrary to your personal beliefs you will be fine,” she knows me so well. Mainly because she’s the same as me in her views. “You scared?”

     “Yep. Terrified that my life is about to end.”

     She exhales a long deep breath, I hear her shuffle, “Babe. Don’t think of this like a curse. Think of it as a blessing. Remember how much your dad loved you and you are going to magnify that love by a million and lather it on your own child.” Daddy I miss you. “He never gave up on you. You’re never going to give up on this kid. So stop sulking and go out and do what you do best?”