A Little Bit of Us (28 page)

     “Good girl,” James chuckles and brushes his lips against his
daughter’s forehead who genuinely looks just like him even though she has my eyes and nose. She has his shape eyes, his thick brown hair, his dimples and his full lips. Even Sylvia can’t believe the resemblance. DJ helps me wind her once she’s finished, as soon as she burps I hand her over to Sylvia who starts crying again.

     “Can I get dressed now? Maybe have a shower?”

     “You can have a bath,” DJ agrees and looks at James. “You help her.” James follows without issue and helps me and my extremely sore and now empty body climb into the bath
, wash my body and hair and then climb out. He also helps me dress in my pajamas and takes the babe so his mom can braid my hair. I climb into bed and let my head fall back onto the pillow. So tired.

     “Have you got a name for her?” Georgia smiles as she writes on these tiny little white wristband things.

     I look to James, seeing his love shine so brightly through his green eyes, “Evelyn?”

     He beams at me and nods, “Evelyn.”

     “Evie for short.”

     “Evie. I love it.”

     “Me too.”

     I watch as James puts a diaper on her and even dresses her in a cute little pink all in one. He puts a little hat on her head and little mittens over her tiny wrinkly hands, ever so gently, then he puts her in a cardigan and lifts her to his chest before climbing onto the bed with me and putting the blanket over us all. I snuggle into his side. Just for a minute, I’ll only close my eyes for a minute.

     For once in my life, I actually feel like everything is exactly as it should be.

     “She’s sleeping,” I’m sure James whispers. I hear oohs and awws and coos. Must wake up. Brain does not compute.

     “How can she look so good after just having a baby?” That’s Summer. “Give me the damn baby Lucas.”

     “No.” Well that told her.

     I hear Marie giggling,
and then it stops. “Oh no… no, no. I do not want to… but… Lucas. I’ll drop her.” I manage to peek open an eye and see Lucas force Evie into Marie’s hands. My heart starts thrumming but Marie has a good hold on her. “Yeah, she’s cute… aww… she’s puckering her lips.” Summer darts over and snatches her. Going back to sleep now.

     It feels like only seconds later when I hear a high pitched wailing, and somebody presses their lips to my forehead. I feel so weird, so empty. Like if I stand too straight my back will keep going backwards. Yuck.

     I rub my burning eyes from lack of sleep and slowly sit up. My tongue feels like I’ve been licking sheep and I can’t seem to peel my eyes open. “Here,” James says and places a drink in my hands. I quickly finish the water and smile at everyone in the room. It’s a sleepy smile but it’ll do.

     “Hey momma,” Marie grins and flicks a pink balloon. “Congratulations.” There are a lot of balloons, cards and gift bags in here.

     “I’m so proud of you,” Summer says with a wistful tone and squeezes my knee.

     Lucas deposits Evelyn into my arms, I’m instantly awake and smiling again. He bends over to kiss me on the temple, “Hey beautiful. Well done.”

    
She’s in a cute little pink dress with frills and lace and a matching white cardigan. She’s even wearing tiny tights and pink dolly shoes. “Did you change her?”

     James shrugs, “She was sick on her other clothes.”

     I roll my eyes, “That’s what bibs are for.” Summer hands me one from my bag. I glare at everyone and motion for them to turn around. “Have to get my tit out. You know where the wall is.” They oblige, I stick the kid on my breast. James gives them the ok to turn around again.

     Marie cringes, “You look… really uncomfortable.”

     “This kid sucks like a vacuum. I swear she’s trying to pry my skin away,” I look down at her chubby pink cheeks and listen to her little noises as she drinks. “She’s so beautiful.”

    
“That’s because she looks like me,” James says smugly. I don’t even have to tell Marie to slap him for that one, she does it all on her own.

     I glance around and realize someone is missing, “Where’s Sylvia?”

     “She’s gone to get you something to eat from the café downstairs.”

     Georgia chooses this moment to come back in. “I just want to take baby’s temperature and weigh her again. If she’s ok you’ll be free to leave as early as this afternoon.” Good point what time is it? I ask as much

     “You had her at ten fifteen and it is now,” James checks his watch. “Twelve thirty.”

     She waits until I’m finished feeding her before taking her to do the tests. When she brings her back James instantly takes her. “She’s fine although her temperature isn’t brilliant. I’m going to get her a hot cot and we’ll see how she is in a few hours. Until then, strip her down to her diaper and go skin to skin for a while.”

     James immediately starts stripping her, and then himself. “I think she was talking about me,” I giggle, he shrugs and lays her face down on his chest after climbing in next to me. I tuck her in with a couple of baby pink blankets and kiss her cute head. Then I climb out of bed
pull the blanket over them both and do a few stretches. Man I ache.

     “How do you feel?” Sylvia asks as she comes in carrying a bag full of food and drinks.

     “Tired and achy,” I sit in an ugly pink plastic padded chair between Marie and Lucas. “Starving.”

      I grab a chicken mayonnaise sandwich from the bag. Oh man, I haven’t had one of these in far too long! Hmm… So good.

     “I swear my nungas have grown three sizes since having her.” I pull my top forward
and look at my large and painfully swollen breasts. “And they hurt like a bitch.”

     “Totally normal,” Summer responds. “They’re full of milk. They’ll stop hurting in a week or two.”

     Let me guess, she also read the baby books. Sigh.

     Why do I suddenly feel ten years older? Like the skies have opened and revealed all of the secrets of the world? I get that I’m going to be all super mom and stuff from here on out but I suddenly feel at peace.
Really content. Like I suddenly have something new to understand and learn. Which makes sense because I do. It’s still a strange feeling. My boobs really ache. Am I wearing nipple pads? I prod that area for confirmation. Yep.

     When I look over to the bed mid conversation I grab Sylvia’s camera and start snapping pictures. James is asleep, Evelyn is asleep,
and it’s the most adorable thing I have ever seen in my life.

    
“So, when do we get to wet the baby’s head?” Marie asks, meaning, when is it we get to party. Everybody groans and rolls their eyes. I shake my head in amusement. Especially when DJ comes back in goes straight to the bed, missing me totally and stops when he sees James, scratches his head and looks around.

     When he finds me he laughs, “Aren’t your roles reversed a little?”

     I shrug, “I’ve been daddy fried.”

     “Right,” he chuckles and starts asking questions. Have you pooped, have you been to the bathroom, how do you feel, let me check your blood pressure and temperature. Blah, blah, blah. Then I thank him profusely. Congratulate him and apologize for the vaginal spewing, he laughs again at this. Sylvia then rewinds the video much to my horror. All you hear is my extremely loud scream and
splash. I can’t look, I will never watch that video ever. Although I get a high five from Marie as the others laugh and DJ threatens bodily harm if that ends up on YouTube to which I completely agree with him.

     “Here,” Sylvia hands me a tube of nipple cream and this weird green gel things. “I picked them up from the pharmacy downstairs, the green things help with the pain and the cream stops you from getting sore.”

     “Thank you,” I take them and head into the bathroom. Ah. That’s perfect. I pad over to James’ bed. “He’s still sleeping, he must be really tired.” I run my fingers through his hair. “Although I can’t deny the fact that I’m totally zonked myself.”

     I sit with the others watching rubbish on TV and filling up on junk food whilst James and Evelyn sleep softly. “It’s good that he’s getting sleep now, it means he can get up with her tonight whilst you sleep,” Summer pops a piece of candy into her mouth. “Win, win.”

     They stay another hour, taking pictures and such before leaving. Lucas manages to pry Sylvia away so she can go home, get changed and rest. There’s a rule on the labor ward that no children are allowed up unless they are the sibling of the newborn so unfortunately Amelia can’
t come until tomorrow when we’re home.

     I slip into bed beside James who is still laid on his back with one arm by his hip and his other on Evelyn’s bottom. He’s even smiling in his sleep. This guy really wanted a baby.
Not that I blame him, I can now see the appeal. As if by magic she starts whittling and moving her head side to side.

     I laugh and snort, “Oh honey, you’re not going to find any milk there I’m afraid.” Is it normal for her to get so hungry so fast? Probably.

     I whip off my top and bra and bring her to my chest, James stirs as soon as she leaves his skin. His gorgeous sleepy greens blink open and a small smile touches his lips, “Hey.” He wraps his arm around my waist and snuggles into my side. “How are you feeling?”

     “I’m fine, Sylvia’s gone to get some rest and prepare for the arrival. The rest have left, they’ll be at ours tomorrow,” I explain and wince when the little pink bundle latches on. “Man, this is really weird. You should’ve seen her a second ago trying to nuzzle your chest for milk. It was so cute.”

     He kisses us both and rests his cheek on my shoulder, “You were amazing Maya. So strong and brave. Although… I wasn’t impressed when you called me a cock sucking son of a bitch. And a god damn ape with a prick on his head.”

     “Language.”

     He chuckles and kisses my arm, “I love you Maya.”

     “Yeah. I love you too.”

     We just walked in to mine and are shocked by the empty house. Everyone clearly wanted to give us our space. I half expected to find it full to the brim. This is better, much better.

     “I don’t know if I feel comfortable with her sleeping in the other room. I think we should bring the swinging crib into your room,” James scratches the back of his head and nods once. “Yeah. I’ll go do that. You go sit down. Try expressing or something so you don’t have to get up tonight.” Then he’s gone. Ok super dad. I do as I’m told. First I put Evie into the cute little brown and beige swinging chair, she looks so tiny in the thick padding. I press a button and it starts vibrating and rocking backwards and forwards slow and gentle.

     “I’m hungry, want to order in?” I shout through to him.

     I get a muffled response but I’m sure he says yeah so I order our usual from the Chinese place around the corner. Then I get the breast pump out and get on it, Sylvia must have sterilized the bottles for this exact reason. Thank god. I still don’t know how to work that machine.

     The pump is a lot comfier than actual breast feeding but unfortunately hardly anything is coming out, it’s the slowest trickle ever. Perfect… not. I keep at it though. I kind of hoped it would be like milking a cow you know? A few tugs and boom, the bottles full.

     BANG! “You ok in there?” I shout to James. He gives me another muffled yes and finally exits my bedroom. “Sorted, where is she?”

     I point to the chair, he goes straight over and takes her out, still smiling before disappearing into her room. Probably to change her, I refuse to change her poopy
diapers for the fact that it is not poop. It looks like black tar and is all sticky and horrible! It doesn’t bother him. I should be ashamed to admit it but I’m not, there’s no way in hell I’m touching that.

     “I’ve asked Lucas to grab some more of my things, I’ve only got enough for a few days,” James says as we eat.

     “We’ll talk about that later.” And we will, I’m not sure if I want us living together. Yes we called a truce and right now emotions are running high but I’m not taking him back based on the sole reason that we’ve just had a baby. I’ll let him stay for a week or two until I get the hang of things. We really need to think about this, because if we get back together for the wrong reasons then we’ll just break up again.
“We need to take her to get registered. I’ll set up an appointment for tomorrow.”

     “Maya,” he has stopped eating and is looking at me. “Marry me… again.” The smile he gives me almost makes me say yes, it’s so boyish and cute. “Please.”

     I blink in shock, “Umm… let’s just eat and make it through the week. Ok?”

     “You’re going to make me leave aren’t you,” he puts his still full plate on the coffee table. “I won’t Maya. You can’t make me leave her.”

     With a sigh I place my own plate beside his, “Stop being an idiot. Let’s not talk about this now.”

     “Then marry me, we can be a family. We can start over. No more games, no more lies. No more bad shit between us. Just me, you and our little girl.” The desperate tone in his voice pulls at my heart strings but I can’t say yes.

     “Did you fuck her,” I blurt before my brain to mouth filter can kick in. “Honestly. Did you sleep with Zara?”

     His eyes go wide and his mouth drops open, “You broke up with me.”

     I’ll take that as a yes. “Are you going to answer my question properly or just let me assume the worst?”

     “I didn’t, I… didn’t have sex with her,” he sags into his seat and throws his arm over his eyes. “We did… we kissed and did other things. But not sex.”

      I nod, even though it fucking hurts to even picture him getting his rocks off with another female I can’t really say anything. “Ok. Let’s just drop it. No I won’t marry you and yes you can stay for a couple of weeks. You can still visit… and when she’s older you can start having her more.”

     He gapes at me, a horrified expression marring his beautiful features, “Are you joking? Please tell me
you’re joking. Maya. Get over what happened. For Evelyn’s sake. For your own and for mine!” He crouches in front of me. “Don’t take her from me, not now. I can’t… I can’t handle it.”

     “I’m not taking her from you.
You’re being dramatic.”

     “Really?” he lets out a humorless laugh. “How would you feel if I was saying this to you? Really? If I turned around now and said, I’m taking her with me in three weeks. I have rights Maya.”

     “You have rights to your child, you have zero rights to me.” Now I’m getting angry. It’s time to push this argument under the rug and leave it until later. “Drop it. We’re both tired, both emotional and both in need of some thinking time. Let’s just… not talk about this today. I only gave birth yesterday damn it. Now drop it, eat your dinner and back off.”

     His jaw clenches but he does as I ask
and retakes his seat. I finish off my dinner which suddenly tastes like shit. We stay silent for the rest of the night, even when Evelyn needs feeding. I’ve put a bottle with a few ounces of milk in the refrigerator for James to use tonight, I tell him this before I head to bed leaving him on the couch with our little girl. Of course I want to stay awake but I’m shattered and really need just a couple of hours to keep me going.

     She only wakes James up twice, he doesn’t seem to mind. I get up about six to feed her, James the tentacle monster is wrapped around me as per usual. Would coming home to this every day really be that bad? Can I honestly get past all of our differences and finally try to be a family? Or am I being an emotional sap and not thinking clearly under the circumstances.

     Whatever the case I really should make breakfast. First things first, get Evelyn changed, I can’t wait to start dressing her like a little doll. I lift her from her crib and carry her into her room. What to choose.

     “Something smells good,” James says and wraps his arms around me from behind. “You should be resting.” I pat his hands that are wrapped around me. “I’m fine. I promise.” I dump the stack of pancakes onto a plate followed by the meat. “Let’s eat, I’m starving.”

     James hands me a glass of OJ and a prenatal vitamin, “You should still take these. You’re breastfeeding.”

    Whatever. Hungry.

    
“Moms on her way,” he sits at the table and digs in. “She’s picking up Lucas and Amelia on the way. Is that ok?”

     “Sure,” It doesn’t matter to me.

     Amelia takes one look at her dad holding the baby and starts crying, at first I thought it was because she was jealous. This is not the case. It’s because it’s her turn to hold the baby. We all laugh and sit Amelia down with Evelyn in her lap. They actually look a little like each other, it’s cute as hell. Amelia is very gentle and careful and smiles beautifully for the camera.

     And then Evelyn starts crying, Amelia looks at her and says, “You sound like a cat. Be quiet.” Funnily enough Evelyn looks up at her turns her head and starts trying to chew on Amelia’s arm. So cute!

We have officially become one of those women.

     Yes we have. My phone alerts me to a text.

Jacob:
She is stunning! Congratulations! I’ll be down in a few weeks. My mom is coming. We’re booked in at the Ritz. Can’t wait to see you all!

     The rest of the week drags, I’ve never been so tired in my entire life. Of course it’s totally worth it but I keep getting that feeling where I just want to sleep. Even James is feeling the strain but is going about it with little to no complaints. We take it in turns feeding and changing, we have a good routine. This is so much harder than I thought it would be.

     We got her registered a couple of days ago and took her out for the first time. Sylvia is yet again a constant and is dropping hints that James and I make a good little family. I really don’t have the energy to think on this any longer. I am scared of the day he leaves though. Can I really do this alone?

You won’t be alone.

    
I remember I used to be scared of losing my freedom, now I don’t even have the energy to worry about such things. Plus, who cares about freedom. I’ve got everything I need right here. A home, a family, a job, a life and good friends.

     “You really need to talk to him,” Summer suggests, we both look over to the couch where James is sprawled out with a sleeping baby on his chest. I nod in agreement. “What have you decided?”

     “I don’t know Summer. I don’t know. I love him so telling him to leave is going to be hard, but he’s right. I’d go crazy if he did that to me. Why should I have more rights than him?”

     “If you want my opinion.” I don’t. “Then I genuinely think you two should give it a go. For your own sakes.”

      I think about what she’s said but I don’t know. It’s a hard thing to decide no matter how you look at it.
God, I must sound like a whiny bitch. I apologize for being so messed up.

     I’m sick of the looks James gives me, and how helpful he is and how much he loves his daughter and how much he loves me. I’m sick of the touches, I’m sick of the kisses and the cuddles at night. I’m sick of it because I enjoy it too much. Any thoughts of what he did with bony blonde are completely out of my mind. I think I’ve finally forgiven him. I’ve finally gotten past it. Now the question is… do I want him? Or do I want to remain alone? Will we work? Will he actually accept me as I am and for who I am?

     “You look a little lost in thought,” Summer tucks her legs beneath her.

     “I don’t know what to do. Have you found your dream house yet?”

     “Nope.”

     “I know exactly how you feel.”

     She gives me a reassuring smile and holds her arms out. Time for Evie snuggles.

    
Ewww. “JAMES!” I shout and continue patting Evelyn’s back. It’s three in the morning. “JAMES?”

     “What?” he barks and exits the bedroom. “What’s wrong?”

     “She just projectile vomited,” I show him my now vomit soaked arm and point at the wall by the couch.

     He gapes at me, “And you couldn’t sort this out yourself?”

     “I…”

     “Do you know the amount of times she’s vomited or something whilst you’ve been asleep and I haven’t called for you?” he stomps into the kitchen and back again. “If you can’t handle a bit of puke how the hell are you going to handle her full time without me?” Whoa, back up cowboy.

     “Calm down, it’s the first time she’s even done this in front of me! I was worried she was sick!”

     “If you read the baby books properly you’d know it’s normal as long as it doesn’t happen all the time.” He’s in a really foul mood. “Give her to me.” He throws the cloth on the couch. “Give me her and clean yourself up.”

     “Sorry,” I mumble as he takes her from my arms. What crawled up his ass?

You’re all just tired, grumpy and did I say tired already? I’m too tired to think properly.

     Once we’re all clean I head cautiously into our bedroom and lean against the doorframe. Evelyn is back in her crib, James is laid on his back looking up at the ceiling.

     “Hey,” I whisper into the silence.

     He looks at me, his eyes tired and sparkling with frustration, “What?”

     “I’m sorry.”

     “You’ve hardly done anything since she was born Maya.” He grouches and swings his legs over the side of the bed. “Almost every time it’s my turn to sleep you wake me up.”

     “Twice now James. Twice. I got worried.” What an overreaction.

      “It’s been more than twice.” Whatever, I’m not even going to argue. “And yet you’re sitting there with your friends talking about how you want me to move out?” Uh-oh. “I wasn’t sleeping Maya. I heard every fucking thing you both said.”

     I sit beside him on the bed, “I said I was making a decision.”

     “Is it really that difficult that you don’t even know if you want me or not?”

     “Of course not… It’s just…”

     He grabs my arm and pulls me out of the room, probably so we don’t disturb Evelyn. “Then decide. Right now. Are we going to be a family or not?”

     “I…”

     “I’ll take that as a no.”

     “You barely gave me five seconds to think about it!” I snap and throw my hands in the air. “Let’s just go to bed. We’re both tired, both cranky and both emotional.”

     “I wouldn’t be so god damn emotional if you would just stop stringing me along and make your fucking mind up!” he yells, I wince. “Just give me a damn answer. Put me out of my misery.” I hesitate for a second. “Fine.” He laughs humorlessly. “I’ll pack in the morning.”