A Little Bit of Us (24 page)

Maya:
I’ve put some skittles up my coochie. Wanna taste the rainbow?

Marie:
HAHAHAHA! Oh goodness, that’s fucking fantastic! That’s totally my new chat up line!

Jacob:
  PMSL! Jesus Maya, you just made me spit coffee all over my PA! I’ll be round in five ;) Can never get enough of that rainbow!

Lucas:
Do you actually do shit like that or does it just pop into your head and you think… huh I’m going to tell the world?

Sinus blocker:
Really not an appropriate thing to send you your mother in law. But funny nonetheless.

Summer:
I love this! I’m going to try it!

James:
You’re talking to me now?

Maya
:

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Marie, if you steal my material one more time I am going to hit you in the face with a shit pie :-) Just saying…

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I’m sure your PA deserved it… And don’t tease me! It’s safe to say I’m in serious need of a tunnel tickle!

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That’s for me to know and you to find out ;) ;) But yes… mostly I just think… huh I’m going to tell the world.

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Sorry Sylvia, I forgot I added you to my favorites list :-) Hope you had a good laugh.

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Summer… if you try this I’ll need details… let me know if Chris goes down looking normal and comes up with a clown face. Better yet, take pictures!


        
I had you in my favorites. Sorry.

     Well, I think I responded to them all. Job done.

James:
had?? Am I not still one of your favorites?

Umm…. No! I’m not even going to respond. As much as I want to I just can’t. What if he starts talking about his new girlfriend? I bet she’s ugly… and fat and all warty and shit. I want to tell everybody to ignore her and be mean because she has something that belongs to me. But I’m not going to because part of me…
ME, ME
… That part of me thinks he deserves a chance at happiness that he never got with me.

     He ruined it. I know I keep saying it but I can’t get it out of my head. He fucking ruined it. He cheated, he lied, he didn’t trust me and I just can’t forgive him. I can’t forget!

I miss him… So damn much it hurts and the thought of him laid in bed right now with another woman makes me want to vomit. It makes me want to smash things and sob my heart out. Yet my mind sounds like a broken record. I made this decision, I chose this. Therefore do I even have a right to be pissed off?

     “AHHHH!” I scream and throw my shoe at the wall. My ankles are swollen, I have a horrid purple stretchmark about four inches long from my hip to my stomach, my breasticals won’t stop leaking icky yellow/creamy fluid, I’m constantly getting headaches and I can’t stop shitting or farting.

And we can no longer see our O!

     I can’t even shave down there which means I’m going to have to get a wax. In case you didn’t know… I hate waxing! It fucking hurts! Excuse my foul language but fuck, shit, bollocks, fuck.

Thirty four weeks pregnant and totally a blimp. I have a doctor’s appointment in an hour and I can’t find anything that fits. It’s hammering it down outside and I’ve ballooned overnight!

     “Knock knock,” James is here. Why the fuck is he here? “Lucas had an emergency. He couldn’t…” he stops in his tracks when he sees me sat on bed in nothing but my underwear looking morbid. “Maya, what’s wrong?”

     “I got a stretchmark, and my boobs are leaky and tingly and I have a headache and I can’t find any clothes that fit and my ankles are swollen and I can’t see my moo!”

     He doesn’t laugh, or even joke. I’m happy about this, he just kneels in front of me and gives me a sweet smile, “Ok. I’ll find you something to wear and get you something to… why are your bed sheets orange?”

     “Well, I’m not allowed on the sunbeds and my tan from LA has faded… so I’ve been getting spray tans.” I pout like a petulant child.

     “Well, stop. You’ve got beautiful skin and a beautiful tan without it.”

     “Tanned fat is better than white fat!” I stomp into the closet and grab a pair of black stretchy pants. I pull them on. “Do these look like I’ve just finished work or do they look like I’m just too fat to wear anything but black pants?”

     He snorts and comes up behind me, his arms slither around my waist and land on my stomach. “Maya. You’re still beautiful. And you are not fat.”

     “I’m going to look like an Atlas soon. And the
baby’s going to ruin my vagina! If I open my legs people will walk past and go… oh look mommy a yawning hippo!” I rant and stomp one foot. “Stop laughing!” He buries his face in my hair and laughs silently, snorting every so often.

     “I’ll go make you a drink.”

     “And some chocolate cookies.”

     “And some chocolate cookies,” he confirms as I pull on a long black turtleneck top. I look like I’m going to a funeral but I’m actually just trying to slim a few inches… they say black clothing does that. Fingers crossed. Nope, I still look like my own planet.

     I waddle after James. That’s right, I waddle, because apparently god didn’t think to invent normal walking for heavily pregnant women.
So here I waddle, to the kitchen, whilst the baby jumps around in my belly like a Bumper car in a tight spot. “Stop it,” I grunt as I get booted under the ribs. “Have you seen this? She’s going crazy… it’s not a disco. Stop dancing!”

     “Maya, stop chastising the unborn.”

     I glare at him, “Why are you here anyway? Where’s your girlfriend?”

     He sighs and rubs his face after handing me a cup of herbal tea.
Ewww. Why do I have this exactly? “It’s got raspberry leaf in it. It’s supposed to help with labor according to the other mom’s I met at the last three sessions you missed.” Whatever. “And my girlfriend is at work right now.”

     “Great to know.”

     “You asked.”

     I shrug, “So, she’s your girlfriend huh?” Chest, please stop aching.

     “Yeah.”

     So he’s fucking her. Piss off tears… I swear down if you come now I will seriously never open my eyes again! Ever!
“Good. I’m glad.” Just keep her the hell away from me. “I’ll be back in a minute. Need to pee.” I waddle on through to the bathroom. As soon as I’m in there I lock the door, splash my face with water, swallow the lump in my throat and silently scream for a couple of minutes whilst pretending to punch the air. Then I leave.

     James is waiting for me in the room with his head lowered and his hands in his pockets. What the fuck has he got to be sad about? “So, can I move in here when the baby is born? Just for a month or something?”

     “I hardly think that’s appropriate. You’ve got a girlfriend.”

     “She’s fine with it. I can still take her out…”

     “Hell no. Not unless you want to be mauled. I swear James, we may be over but my lust for you sure isn’t. I can’t have a guy with a girlfriend living here. No way. Especially my ex-husband. And then I’ll be sat at home watching you go out with… her. That’s hardly fair!” Ok, I was supposed to say that in my head. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Let’s just go!”

     “Maya,” he breathes and takes a step towards me. I take a step back. “Is this bothering you? Because if it is just tell me… I’ll wait.”

     Yes it is! “No. But you’re not moving in here, I’m not moving in at yours. We’ll do weekends or something. I don’t know… I can’t… Let’s just go.
In fact… I think I’m going to call for a car.”

     “Stop being ridiculous. I’m already here.” Not really, you’re not actually here. You just say you are. You’re not mine anymore. “Let’s go.” He reaches to take my hand but thinks better of it and pulls back.

     I relent, but I growl and grumble and moan about it under my breath all the way to his car.

     “Week on week off.”

     “Huh?” What’s he on about?

     “I’ll have her a week you have her a week.”

     “Not possible. I’m going to breastfeed.” Actually I was going to use baby milk but I feel like breastfeeding. Just to be awkward. I don’t want my kid around his new woman. It’s not fair. “Weekends.”

     His hands clench on the steering wheel, “I’m not waiting to see my daughter every fucking weekend Maya. She’s half mine! I will take you to court.”

     “And then you’ll be granted every two weekends. Good luck with that.”

     His mouth drops open and he glares at me, “You’re a piece of work. You’re such a bitch.”

     “And you’re so not creative. I already know I’m a bitch but at least I’m not fucking someone only six weeks after bedding my ex-wife! Way to move on James.” Fucking whore. Yeah, that told him!

    
He pulls over sharply at the side of the road and locks the doors. “You are not and I repeat… not taking my daughter away from me. I will be there and there’s nothing you can do about it. She’s mine too. You don’t even want a fucking kid. This will be perfect for you!”

     “So your new piece of cunt on the side can pretend to be a mommy. I don’t think so. Will you put your foot on the gas? I’m tired of this and tired of you.”

Ok, you’re really going overboard. Get those hormones in check woman.

    
“Fine then, I’ll get rid of Zara…”

     “Zara? ZARA? Zara from fucking accounting? Oh dear. What happened to the no fraternization policy huh? Didn’t you get enough after bony blonde?”
Zara fucking Zara? Gah! Zara? Really? Is he fucking serious! She’s… she looks like a mouse! “James. You could do so much better than a fucking mouse lookalike from shitty accounting.”

     He slams his hand on the steering whee
l, it shocks the hell out of me. “Don’t insult her! At least she isn’t a fucking whore that’s slept with all of my friends and only wants to be with me because her daddy told her so! And at least she fucking works for her money! What have you done recently you stupid stuck up bitch?”

     My mouth drops open. He did not to go nuclear on me! Oh he did. “Fuck you James! I’m out of here.”

     I open the locks and jump out of the car. What a prick! He just… and he… then he… oh my god… I’m so angry I could punch him.

     “Get back in the car Maya,” he sighs and reaches for my elbow. I pull my arm away and flag down a cab. “Maya…” I quickly climb in and shut the door
, he can’t stop me because he’d have to manhandle me and he knows if he climbs in I’ll probably just shove him out anyway. After giving him the finger, I watch him run his hands through his hair in defeat. I bark out my address to the driver and call the doctors on the way home to reschedule my appointment. DJ’s receptionist is really nice about it and promises not to inform James of my new scan date. She should for what I’m paying for her. Got to love patient confidentiality.

James:
I’m sorry!

Maya:
I’m done.

     When I get home I stomp to the bathroom, making sure to put all the locks on the front door first and run a bath. After lighting a few candles, adding bath salts and bubbles I sink into the hot water. I’m too angry to be upset. Dammit I want to fire that bitch!

But that would be wrong.

     Of course it would, it’s not her fault she got roped into this mess I still hate her though. Fuck him. What an asshole.

     “MAYA!” I hear him pound on the door and start to shout. I hop out of the bath, turn on some soothing music full blast to drown him out. Ah, that’s better. “I can be your hero baby!” doo daaaah dooo. “I can kiss away the pain! And I will stand by you forever! You can take my breath away!” Out of the bath now and drying myself off. I stretch my arms out and belt it. “I CAN BEEEEE YOUR HERO!” It’s so not as much fun when there’s no one to walk in and join in. I miss Jacob.

     Can anybody else feel that strange clenching in my lower back? What am I on about? Of course you can’t. Whatever, it’s really freaking me out. It’s kind of painful and my belly keeps going tight. I remember reading something about this… that’s it. False labor. Commonly known as Braxton hicks contractions. My body is preparing for the birth. Ok, I can deal with this. It’s not bad enough for a painkiller so I’ll just go lay down until it passes.

     I do love lasagna. I feel like Garfield, I’m fat, I’m hairy… in parts I don’t want to think about… and I’m constantly lazing around feeling sorry for myself and eating lasagna by the bucket full.

     “Up,” Sylvia says and pats my thigh. “We have to go.”

     I haven’t told her that James isn’t aware of this appointment. I doubt James will think of ringing his mom to find out either. It’s safe to say I’m a genius. With a sigh I let her help me up off the couch, she even sends me to the bathroom to wash my face like she would a child. On the way out she hands me a banana. I’ve just eaten two trays of lasagna… but yeah, I could eat more.

     I’ve never been in a car when Sylvia is driving, she better not drive like an old lady.

     “Move out of the way you idiot!” she screeches whilst waving her fist around. Then she smiles at me, “Thanks for calling me for this one. Is this the final one?”

     I nod, “Yep. He has to do a cervical check in two weeks and then again two weeks later, to make sure the baby doesn’t suddenly become breach.”

     “That’s good then, I’m looking forward to meeting this DJ character that Marie sounds fond of. You have some wonderful friends Maya,” everyone seems to be talking to Marie. Am I that out of the loop now? “Move it you pig!” She starts beeping at a guy walking across the road with a hotdog in his hand. “Get out of the way!”

     The guy flips her off. I giggle and sink further into my seat. The baby starts wriggling, perfect timing
… not!

    
“So, you and James?” she says rather carefully. “How’s that working?”

     “He’s dating someone,” I respond with blank features. “Zara from accounting.”

     Her mouth drops open, “That boy… he’s not is he? This is just some rumor right?”

     I shrug, “He told me himself. Told me when he wanted to ask her out… the same day as the baby shower he
went on a date with her. Took her ice skating.” He’s never taken my ice skating. “Seems they’re hitting it off because he calls her his girlfriend.”

     She shakes her head and sighs but says nothing. I don’t think she wants to get involved and in all honesty, I don’t want her involved. Wriggle, wriggle. Please hurry up and get comfy.

     “I can see your belly bouncing around… nice coat by the way.” She adds as we pull up to DJ’s clinic. I wait for her to finish groping me before climbing out.

     “I went out to the park and for lunch with Lucas, my coat zip broke right after I discovered my bazunga
’s had leaked all over my grey shirt. As you can imagine that wasn’t a good day for me,” I sigh and scowl when she stifles a laugh with her fist and then tries to cover it up with a cough. “Not funny.”

    
“We should wait for James,” Sylvia announces as DJ gets the machine ready.

     “I can’t wait any longer, I have three other patients waiting,” he smiles and starts the scan. Sylvia’s eyes go all tearful as soon as the heartbeat sounds and the screen lights up with my
baby’s face. I don’t look, I want her looks to be a surprise.