A Little Bit of Us (29 page)

      “Now you’re just being irrational.”

      “Says the queen of irrationality.” He scoffs. “You’re going to throw me out soon anyway right?” I don’t know. I haven’t decided. “I’m taking Evelyn with me.” Wait… what? “You clearly aren’t capable of looking after her yourself.”

     “Why? Because I asked for help twice?”

     “Yes. No. I mean yes,” he stammers. “Why do you get more rights than me? Why does she get to stay with you whilst I go home and receive nothing but scraps as she grows up? This is one of the most important times of her life and we should enjoy it together!”

He has a point.

     “James, I’m not throwing you out. Nor am I taking or going to take your daughter away from you. Two months. How’s that?”

     “Two months? How about forever?”

     “We don’t do forever James. We fail at forever.”

     “We fucked up. I know this… but… we can do it this time. We have more to fight for.”

    
“Why do you want to be with me anyway?” It makes zero sense. “For the baby? For me? For you? Christ James. Have some self-respect! I’ve done nothing but treat you like dirt since the day we met! I’ve been mean to you, I’ve teased you, I’ve ignored you and then I married you under false pretenses and now look! Look at what I’m doing now! Pushing you away for zero reasons, because I can’t find anything wrong with our relationship. I have no excuses as to why I just don’t want to be with you other than that! I just don’t feel like it! Yet here you sit and I don’t deserve you… Zara doesn’t deserve you James. There’s no woman in the world who deserves a good man like you. I’ll never be who you want me to be and you’ll never see just how wrong I am for you unless you snap yourself out of this stupid puppy love daze you have yourself in and recognize me for the heartless bitch I actually am!”

     We stand before each other, my breathing is labored,
and his mouth is open in shock. “You’re an idiot as well as a bitch.” Yeah, that too. “Let’s think back shall we? So you’re a little rough around the edges. Tell me one thing. Just one single thing you’ve done to really hurt me since we got together? I don’t mean what you did with Paul because that was before me.”

     Well I… and then I… there was… “I’m too tired to think right now.”

     He laughs and cups my face in his hands, “You’ve never done anything to hurt me. You’ve never hurt anyone in your entire life. Not on purpose. And Paul doesn’t count, he doesn’t count because you didn’t realize, you had an arrangement. You’re not evil Maya, you help people you don’t hurt them. How many times during our marriage did you bring me lunch just because you were worried I was hungry, how many times have you cooked because I can’t and gotten up extra early because you’re worried I wouldn’t eat before work? What about the notes you’ve been leaving around the house? You know they make my day. Even when we were arguing you’d still leave quirky little notes pinned all over the place! You found my brother without asking for anything in return. You’re a good person Maya and you’re going to be an excellent mother. If anything… I don’t deserve you. I hurt you, I cheated to get revenge, and I even started dating even though all I could think about was you. You said nothing, yeah, you got jealous and pissed off but you never once told me to leave her and you could’ve done.”

     “You finished?” I grumble and go to step past him. His arms go around my waist, effectively stopping me in my tracks. I feel the heat from his solid bare chest seep through my nightgown. It’s amazing.

     His lips touch my ear, “I love you Maya. I want this with you. Me you and our daughter. It won’t be easy, I’m sure you’ll drive me crazy at times but this is what I want. Think about it. I know deep down it’s what you want too.”

     “I don’t know James…”

     “Time, I’ll give you time ok? We’ve got plenty. I’ll wait. No more dating, no more being an idiot. I want you. It’s about time I proved it.”

     “James!” I squeal and start clapping. Keep doing it kid. Come on! “JAMES!” Ok, that was a little frantic.

     He bounds into the room and drops beside me, both of us now kneeling in front of our little girl who is now six weeks old and smiling… yes smiling! For the first fucking time! Lord she is beautiful.

     “Come on baby girl,” James grins, camera poised.

     I frown and purse my lips, she looks at me and smiles, showing nothing but gums. My hands clap automatically with glee like a toddlers would
at a colorful cartoon. I can’t help it. We are officially documenting our gorgeous girls first ever smile and what a smile it is! She looks so much like my dad when she smiles. James clicks away, every so often coming up from behind the camera and blowing raspberries at the pink bundle who is sitting in her car seat ready to go to her grandma’s for the night. Our first night away from her. Now I’m no longer breastfeeding due to mastitis and she’s gotten a bit older we think its ok for her to start visiting family. I can’t wait for a full night’s sleep that’s for sure!

     “That’s it Evelyn,” I squeal when she makes a tiny little cooing noise.

     “You’ve been calling her that a lot recently,” James says with a smug smile.

     I shrug, ok… “I was wrong. Evelyn is great. Evie is so… I don’t know. It’s cute but, Evelyn just fits, you know?”

     He nods and taps my nose with his index finger, “Told you so.”

     My mouth falls open in mocking, “Well, he finally got to say I told you so!”

     “You can’t always be right,” he gives me a wink and stands. “I should get her to moms. She’ll be pacing by the door like a dragon lady if we make her wait any longer.”

     I nod in agreement and take a steadying breath, “She will be ok right? What am I saying? Of course she will… just… make sure she gives her the pink blanky. Even if she kicks the other blankets off or she won’t sleep for more than twenty minutes.”

     “I know…”

     “And not to use the pacifier, no matter how much she whittles. I don’t want her becoming reliant upon it. In fact, let’s just throw it away.”

     “You already did…”

     “And diapers. Is twenty enough? Of course it is. Tell her to put an insert in her night time diaper…”

     “I know Maya, I know.”

     I nod and calm myself down with a few tiny breaths. James tugs my lower lip from my teeth and grins cheekily, “I have been here the past six weeks too, you know.”

     “I know, I know. I’m sorry. I’m just…” my eyes burn as I gaze down upon my little angel. “This is so hard!”

      “She’ll be fine.” He heads to the door with me on his heels. “Say bye, bye to mommy.”

      I kiss her cheeks, her nose, her eyelids, her eyebrows, her hands… he just pulled her away from me. Can’t he see I’m not finished? And he’s gone. I click my fingers over and over and rock back and forth whilst making squelching noises with my lips. It’s good, it’s all good. She’ll
be fine. Sylvia is great with her, she’s barely left since she was born. Ok, now to occupy myself until James comes back. I know!

Maya:
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The 
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Jacob:
Love it! I haven’t had one of these from you in a while. Even though it’s shit I’m just laughing because of the fact it’s been so long! I forgot how happy these make me.

Maya:
wow… overly emotional much?

Jacob:
How could I forget how much of a bitch you are?

Maya:
I didn’t forget how uncreative you are… but thanks for the reminder anyway ;)

Jacob:
Grrr!

Maya:
And again… great comeback. It’s so good I just metaphorically peed a little. ;)

Jacob:
Don’t ever text me again… I despise you… P. S. I’m back in the city in four months! I’ll be crashing at yours! HI JAMES! THANKS JAMES!

Maya:
He doesn’t check my phone anymore :) That sounds shit… I’m still trying to get the stink out from the last time you stayed! I found the green watch behind my TV the other day… I could see it glowing :’)

Jacob:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Classic! I was wondering where that went!

Maya:
Oh, I forgot to ask if you were going to bring my Christmas present with you this time… the one you conveniently forgot at Christmas and then forgot on your next visit too.

Jacob:
Yeah! Definitely… totally… I promise… umm… where did I put that?

Maya:
Deja Moo: The feeling that I’ve heard this bull before.

Jacob:
OH my fucking god… Maya. You really are a funny girl. Seriously, just read that out on set. They’re laughing their asses off. Should do stand up.

Maya:
I do it standing… sitting… laying… oh wait, you meant comedy… yeah I cud probably do that too :’) James is back gotta go!

     “How is she?” I blurt and grip the front of his jacket. “Is she ok? Did she settle ok?”

     “Babe, I just dropped her off on the doorstep and ran. No big deal,” he deadpans. He better be fucking kidding… oh thank god, he’s grinning and winking. He’s joking!
“Right. What shall we do for the rest of the afternoon?”

     
Sleep?

Who the hell are you? I don’t even know you anymore! I’m leaving and I’m taking your minky with me!

      “How about a nap?” I suggest around a yawn and look down at my pink and white flannel pajamas. “I’m already dressed for bed.”

    
He shrugs his coat off and hangs it on the hooks by the door. “Sure.”

     I climb into bed as he strips down to his boxers. He then crashes on the bed face first. Within seconds we’re both sleeping. Go figure.

     Marie wants to ‘wet the baby’s head’, code for party. It’s nine at night, I’ve been asleep for five hours and all I want to do is sleep some more. Yet a night out doesn’t sound so bad either.

     “Are you going?” James asks as I climb out of bed and pad into the closet. Ah-ha, a gorgeous tight, navy blue dress that I have yet to wear. I pull it on and head to my vanity table to touch up my make up and put a bit of wax in my hair, I love my hair, and it’s so easily maintained unless I sleep on it wet. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

     “Summer is going too, why don’t you call the boys? Or come with us?”

     He shakes his head a little sadly and puts his arm over his eyes, “I just thought…” thought what? “Never mind. When will you be home?”

     “I don’t know, not too late I imagine. I feel really,” sigh, “Irresponsible you know? But I also feel like I really need to unwind, get out of the house for a bit. Take my mind off Evelyn for just a couple of hours.”

     “Ok,” he gives me a genuine smile and motions for me to go to him, I pull on my heels quickly and rush into his arms to give him a quick hug. Marie arrives not five minutes later. We squeal and hug and rush out into the night with Summer right beside us rolling her eyes and swaying side to side, she’s already drunk.

     “WOOOO!” Marie screams in my ear. We’re at a popular club in the city, name forgotten, wait… nope, it’s totally gone and there’s, there’s a band playing. They’re really good. Like really good. And they’re called, wait… shit… that’s gone too. Where’s my drink? “Thirsty?”

     “
Noooooo,” I slur and attempt to shake my head which sends me staggering back a couple of paces and makes Marie and Summer giggle like schoolgirls. “Ok, I’ve… I’ve… hic… what was I goin’ to say?” Umm… “Oh, yeah… I’ve umm… reached my… whas that word? You know… for when you can’t… Is it lecture? No. That doesn’t sound right.” What the hell is it? “Limit. That’s it, limit. Let’s just dance!”

     Good plan. Dancing. As Marie said, “WOOOO!”

     I’m being good, we dance, alone and I drink lots of water. I think those four shots after arriving and two vodka and cranberry’s did me in. Bearing in mind I haven’t drank in a while I think I’m doing quite well. Now I just need to sober up to the tipsy stage, I’m teetering into the realm of wrecked which is not a good realm to be in.

    
“Yeah baby!” Summer screams as Marie grinds up against an unknown male. I’m with Summer, fighting off males left right and center. It makes me feel kind of powerful when they ask me to dance or offer to buy me drinks. I never let a man buy me a drink not unless I know him and trust him. You should never be careless in a club to save a few dollars. What’s a few dollars of your own on a drink in comparison to date rape? Big difference. Be wary.

     We’ve been here three hours, it’s not even midnight ye
t and I’m so ready to go home, now I’m starting to sober up a little bit. I tell Summer, she pouts but agrees. Marie is… where the hell is she? She does this every fucking time I need to speak to her. Just vanishes. What a slut, but a loveable slut. Damn her.

     “She said… go ahead, I’m off with this dude,” Summer reads the text aloud. I kid you not. That’s exactly what it says. Did I honestly used to enjoy this? This feeling of losing control and being an idiot? Did I really think this was freedom? What a fool I was!

    
We climb into the waiting car and I slip into a nap like state as we take off. He drops Summer off first before taking me home. I’m eager to climb under the covers. Really eager. Never drinking again… for real this time.

     Now I just need to make it up to my flat. Keys in hand, step into the elevator, wave goodbye to the receptionist guy. Done. Stagger into the hall, put my key in the door, open it. Done.

     “Good night?” James asks as soon as I walk in. “You look trashed.”

     “I was about an hour ago before I stopped drinking,” I drop my bag on the floor and kick off my heels. James narrows his eyes on me, “What did you do? Where did you go?”

     I walk past him and flop onto the couch as soon as it nears, “Just out, listened to a band play for a bit. Got bored, came home. It was really an uneventful and a shit night if I’m honest.”

    
He sits by my feet and stays silent. I know what’s going through his mind, I know why he let me go alone. To build his trust in me. He needed this night away from me as much as I did from him.

     So I reassure him, “I didn’t even look at another guy James. The thought never even occurred to me.” His shoulders lower a little but the tension doesn’t completely seep away from his beautiful form.

     “I don’t think I can do this Maya,” do what? “I can’t sit by and watch you have a life. I know that sounds awful and I know it’s wrong but… I’m going to have to leave soon. You’re clearly not changing your mind any time soon and tonight killed me. It also answered that question for me.”

     “What question?” now I’m sober. What’s he saying exactly?

     “If you really wanted to be with me… you wouldn’t have left tonight. We both know it’s true.” That’s the biggest piece of shit I’ve ever heard come from his mouth. “Evelyn is big enough now, you aren’t breast feeding. One week on, one week off.” He expects me to keep away from my daughter for an entire week? Hell no!

     “You’re leaving?” I croak, I’m shocked, hell, what the fuck do I do now?

     “I’m going to bed. I’ll pack in the morning.”

     “Like hell you will!” I shout and tuck my legs beneath me. “This is fucking stupid James. I’ve gone out for three hours, to unwind. I offered for you to come I just assumed you’d like some time alone! Stop being ridiculous.”

     He gapes at me like I’m crazy, I probably am. “Now you’re being selfish. You don’t want me but it’s ridiculous for me to leave! Why Maya? Why? Why torture me like this any longer? Just say the damn words! It’s over. I’m sick of this fucking seesaw, every time I think we’re getting somewhere…” he throws his arms in the air in exasperation and lets them slap back onto his lap. “We end up arguing about the same shit! Tell me what it is you want me to do? Why all of these games?” He jumps up from the couch, I follow him into the bedroom. He’s packing, wait… that’s not right. “You can have her this week. I’ll pick her up next Sunday.”

     “All of this because I went out?”

     “No Maya,” He throws more things into his case. Why is this happening? “Tell me what you want. Tell me why you’re doing this.”

Say something!        Or just stand there gaping whilst he packs his bag.

     “What about when I start dating? Will that bother you? Truly?” I’m still gaping, dammit brain… WORK! “I’m tired, I’m stressed, I miss you! I miss sleeping with you as my fucking wife. I miss being inside of you. I miss you… I miss your quirky shit. Play a damn prank on me, squirt syrup into my shoes… I don’t care. I just want you.”