A Widow Redefined (24 page)

I got to sleep in, but this time no one came pounding on my door saying breakfast was ready. Moose didn’t even bother me. He must’ve been zonked out somewhere cozy.

Justin liked to sleep in late. During the work week, he always had to get up incredibly early. So he savored sleep on his days off. I thought about how we used to snuggle those lazy mornings. We’d eat some toast and juice, then collapse right back in bed. I still missed him all the time, but strangely, it didn’t hurt as badly. I worried, wondering if I was forgetting him.

I could never do that. I wasn’t sure what was happening, but my gut feeling was that I would be okay.

Everyone eventually rose and found their way to the kitchen. After eating, Tyler and Mom stayed behind while I ran to the grocery store and bank. While waiting in line to speak to a teller, I felt my phone vibrate.

When I hopped in the car I checked to see if it was a message from home. Caller ID showed a local number I didn’t recognize, so I didn’t bother to check voicemail. I drove back home, put the groceries away, and played tug of war for a while with Moose.

I couldn’t believe how sleepy I felt. I thought it best to take a nap before getting cleaned up to leave with Tyler for the parkour event, so I kicked off my shoes and lay down. The bed felt so comfy and inviting; I could’ve slept in it all day. But then I remembered the voicemail. I couldn’t rest until I got up and checked it.

I keyed in the password and listened. “Hello Ms. White. This is Henry, Sabrina Bergman’s assistant. I’m calling you from Lake Forest Hospital. Ms. Bergman has been in an automobile accident. She’s in critical condition and is asking to see you.”

I hit save and replayed the message again. I wasn’t sure what to think or feel. I was too shocked. I hung up the phone and flew through the kitchen to the family room.

I passed my mom, who was looking for a snack in the refrigerator. “Hey. What’s the hurry?” she asked. Then she followed me into the family room.

I didn’t answer her. I was too busy logging onto the Internet. I cut and pasted the address of the hospital into the destination box and hit “Get Directions.” Then I paused to look up at my mom. “Sabrina has been in an accident. She’s in the hospital in critical condition.”

“Oh my God!” she said, covering her mouth with her hand.

After the directions popped up, I hit print. Then I remembered Tyler’s parkour event. “Tyler is going to be so disappointed. I can’t go with him tonight.”

“Don’t worry,” Mom said. “I can take him. You just go. I’ll handle things here.”

I hugged my mom, then rushed to the closet to grab a jacket. I was out the door so fast I’d forgotten to grab an umbrella so I pulled my jacket over my head as I ran to the car. Once I started it and the defroster began working, I realized I’d better take a few deep breaths and calm down. I looked at the directions and noticed they’d gotten hit with a few raindrops but were still legible. The hospital wasn’t too far from Sabrina’s house.

On the way there I kept the radio off and my hands firmly on the wheel, paying extra attention to the road. I played with the windshield wiper levels until I decided to just leave them on high speed. I stayed focused. My mind didn’t wander.

But the closer I got to my destination, the more a sense of dread grew. It spread from a place deep within my abdomen and eventually enveloped me, like an old, heavy blanket. I didn’t like hospitals. Never had. And the last time I was at one was when Justin died. I shook my head. I couldn’t believe this was happening.

I saw the Lake Forest Hospital sign and turned into the parking lot, then found the visitor section and picked a space. I spotted my umbrella on the floor in the passenger side and leaned over to grab it. On my way back up, I caught a glimpse of myself in the rearview mirror. I liked like hell. For once I didn’t care. There wasn’t time for such nonsense.

The rain had started to come down harder, in big, fat drops that pelted me in the face even though I held protection over my head. I hurried though the onslaught and into the main entrance.

Even though I was in a hurry, I couldn’t help but notice how lavish the place looked. The walls had beautiful wood paneling and wing back chairs near a crackling fireplace. Apparently the wealthy felt more comfortable surrounded by style and class even when they were ill.

The nurse at the front desk told me Sabrina’s location, and as I headed there, the all too familiar smell hit my nostrils. The scent of sickness and surgery and medication. No amount of money could take that away.

My muscles tensed.

My pace slowed. I didn’t want to go. I stopped in the middle of the hallway and recalled the last words I’d said to her. I had meant what I told her. My feelings on that hadn’t changed… but the situation had.

Still, I couldn’t just turn around and go back home. I needed to do this. So I began walking forward, down the outstretched corridor, to visit Sabrina.

I made it to her room and peeked in. She was asleep. I tip-toed in slowly. As I got closer, I began to see how drastic the situation really was.

My once beautiful friend was covered in horrific purplish bruises. Her head was heavily bandaged. The elegant woman I once knew was reduced to a beaten, crumpled heap.

I broke down and cried. The sound disturbed her.

“You came,” Sabrina whispered.

Her eyes were half open and looked glassy. No doubt she was on some serious pain medication. I wiped my tears away and smiled, trying to lighten the mood.

“I don’t like this look on you,” I joked.

Sabrina tried to form a smile, but it caused her pain and she closed her eyes instead. I stood beside her saying nothing. I didn’t know what else to do.

“I went to the store for chocolate,” she finally said, struggling to get the words out.

I didn’t think she should be talking, but she continued. “I didn’t want to bother Henry. I wanted to get it myself. I never saw it hit me. I just felt it.”

I couldn’t hold back the tears so I let them flow freely. I wiped them from my face with my left hand, and took my dry, right hand and reached out to hold hers.

Sabrina closed her eyes and kept them shut a few more minutes. I stood where I was, hoping I could provide some small level of comfort. I’d changed so much since our argument six weeks ago. Most of my anger was gone. I still had no intention of making up, as my son had suggested. She had hurt me deeply. But none of that mattered now. Seeing her this way, in such a terrible position broke my heart. It changed everything.

Sabrina struggled to re-open her eyes. “You’re tired,” I said. “Do you want me to go?”

“No,” she managed to whisper, then cleared her throat to speak. “The first time you came to my house…” she said, then began coughing.

I looked around the room and found a jug of water. I poured some into a glass and helped her take a sip.

Sabrina settled down and cleared her throat. “I wanted you to come back again, to get to know you for myself. I was curious.”

Sabrina looked up at me now. “You had everything I had ever wanted,” she said, her voice cracking. “I wanted to know what you had that I didn’t have.”

I didn’t have anything she didn’t have. In fact, I had less than half of what she had. Sabrina was glamorous, wealthy, successful. She had travelled the world and had seen and done things most people only hope to see and do. And her house… it was every woman’s dream home. How could she think that? How could she think I had anything she didn’t?

“I don’t know what you mean?” I responded. “You have everything.”

Sabrina closed her eyes and shook her head. “Everything I have is nothing without someone to share it with.”

I wanted to tell her that there were plenty of someones out there, and that she would’ve found that person if only she had stopped obsessing over a man who wasn’t available. I wanted to tell her the truth, but now was not the time or the place. Now was the time to listen.

“Through the years,” Sabrina said, re-opening her eyes. I was so jealous. I would’ve given anything to switch places with you. And I did everything in my power to tempt him.”

I stared down at my bruised friend and was sad. There was no reason for her to be jealous of
me
. There was no reason for her to have wasted so many years. She had everything to offer, the whole package. I didn’t have a response.

“I’m not proud of that,” she said, her eyes filling with tears. “Like I told you, you were never real to me. I just wanted him for myself.”

I thanked God Justin had never betrayed me. Then I prayed to God to help Sabrina, make her well and send her a mate to share her life with.

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” Sabrina said, interrupting my thought. “Amy, you are
very
real to me. The best friend I could ever have.”

She began coughing again, and I rushed to refill her glass of water. I didn’t speak the words “I accept your apology.” But I did feel them.

In the end, maybe because of my walks with Moose, I realized none if it really mattered. I had had a good life with Justin. And that was in the past. Sabrina had wasted precious time wanting him, but that was her life, her choice. I had decided to forgive her.

Visiting hours were coming to an end. I wondered if we’d really see each other again after she recovered. Would we have a friendship like before? I hoped we would, but on some inner level I suspected we wouldn’t. Something had changed. It was like we didn’t need each other anymore.

I had enjoyed spending time talking with her, hearing new stories about Justin, learning things I’d never known. And she had satisfied her curiosity by meeting me. We’d gotten to know each other. She had even met my son.

It seemed there was nothing left for us to do but move on.

This truth depressed me. Yet there it was. I couldn’t deny it. “One more thing before you go,” Sabrina said.

I stared down at her, wondering what she could possibly add. She’d already said so much.

“Remember how I said nothing ever happened between me and Justin?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“Well, I wasn’t being entirely truthful.” She didn’t pause, didn’t give me time to think about what that meant. “One time,” she continued, while her voice cracked, “when he was in the hospital, right near the end of his life, I kissed him on the lips.”

I wondered how she could’ve visited Justin in the hospital. I was there every moment I possibly could, and I had never seen her. Then I remembered her cousin, Dr. Friedman, and it all made sense. Of course, she could come anytime she pleased. A bonus of the arrangement.

“I was sitting next to his bed, filled with despair. I knew he wouldn’t make it,” Sabrina continued. “Then I leaned over, pressed my lips against his, and told him that I loved him.”

I listened to this confession with surprising calm. There was no anger, no worry, just presence. Sabrina looked up into my eyes, waiting for a response.

“And what did he say?” I asked.

Sabrina managed a smile, perhaps grateful I could just be there for her, so she could get it out.

“He didn’t say anything,” she replied. “He was asleep.”

I could see the scene just as Sabrina described it. It was so clear, like I was there myself. It brought me back to the time when they called me, telling me Justin had died, in the middle of the night, alone.

I knew it was coming. I did. Yet the pain was so vast it literally knocked me to my knees, like someone had swatted the back of my legs with two by fours. I tried never to relive that memory. I couldn’t allow it. My mind tossed it around like a hot potato, not knowing what to do with it, before stuffing it into a far off place in my brain, never to be thought of again.

Sabrina’s confession triggered the memory. And now I saw her leaning over and kissing Justin, telling him that she loved him, knowing he was going to die. It was easy to imagine the depth of her pain. Could it have been anything like mine? I didn’t pretend to understand where she was coming from or how she felt. I knew one thing, though. She was a human being. She was my friend. And right now I felt overflowing levels of compassion for her. I would do anything I could to make her feel better.

Sabrina looked up at me, waiting for my response.

“He was sleeping, huh?” I asked.

She shook her head yes.

“Well you know what I think?” I said. “I think if Justin were awake… he would’ve said I love you too.”

The impact of the words was enormous. Her face lit up, a combination of surprise and joy, then the tears began to flow. A smile that came from deep within her soul spread across her face, and all at once, she was beautiful again.

I reached down and held her hand, giving it a little squeeze. “Get better, okay. I’ll see you next time.”

I let go and waved goodbye. Sabrina didn’t wave back. Instead, she continued to beam at me. Her happiness was a light that filled the lonely room.

I walked down the corridor, keeping that memory firmly held in my mind. Did Justin love her? I didn’t know. But I knew Justin. He would have smiled and said it back to her. But his love for her would have been pure, platonic, something forged in friendship and nothing more. And he would have known how much it would mean to her to hear it.

As I turned the corner and left the Intensive Care Unit, I felt completely at peace. I couldn’t ever remember feeling this way, and I wanted it to last forever. When I opened the door to leave the hospital, the rain was on a short break, and I was able to make it back to my car without the umbrella.

I sat in the bucket seat of my car, wondering if I’d see Sabrina again. Would there be a next time? I smirked. She was unpredictable. There was no point in trying to figure it out. I was just glad I came.

The drive home was easy, barely any traffic. Rain had that effect on people.

When I pulled into the drive, I saw Mom’s car. She must’ve not taken Tyler to his event.

Moose greeted me at the door, followed by Mom and Tyler. They both looked very concerned.

“Is everything okay?” she asked.

I took my coat off, shook it, then hung it in the closet. “I hope so, but she looked terrible.”