A Woman Gone Mad (19 page)

It never comes.

Lilly is in the corner of my mind rocking back and forth in the fetal position, sobbing hysterically, and when I see her falling apart, I know it is up to me and me alone to put on my big-girl panties and mount the fuck up. I wipe the tears from my eyes using the sleeve of my sweater, throw the car in reverse, and turn around, slowly but surely making my way to Eckerd’s.

However, once I make it to my destination and I’m standing in the condom-slash-pregnancy-test aisle, I don’t know what the hell to do. There has to be a hundred different brands and types. I grab ten of the most expensive and one generic brand. On the way to the checkout, I snag a gallon of water and shamefully keep my eyes down and pay for my
items
. On my way to my car, I glance up and stop dead in my tracks. Nick is leaning against the back of his Vette that is parked side by side next to my Civic.

He immediately walks over to me and grabs the bags from my hands. After moving them all to one arm, he uses his other arm to pull me tight against him. Kissing my cheek then below my ear where he stops, and softly whispers, “Do you not think that this has crossed my mind a million times in the last week, Lillian?”

He pops his trunk and tosses my
items
inside. The next thing I know Nicolas Wade James is on his knees in front of me in the middle of Eckerd’s parking lot with his arms wrapped around my waist, holding on to me so tight that I swear to God he is holding me together.

He then pulls my sweater away from my lower abdomen and places the right side of his face against it, skin on skin. I use both of my hands to grab his broad shoulders to steady myself, and then I feel this massive man trembling beneath my fingers, his hot tears running down my stomach. He moves to face-plant against my abdomen and his mouth opens to let out a hoarse sob. Then he begins raining kisses all over my belly.

I rake my hands through his ink-black hair over and over until his trembles aren’t visibly shaking his large frame anymore. I pull him out from underneath my sweater. Cupping both of his cheeks with my hands, I smile down at him. “Hey.” I bend down to kiss this man at my feet then pull away and continue to hold his face in my hands. “We were always going to end up here, right? It’s just a little early, that’s all.” I kiss his tear-streaked face and his red, swollen eyes. “That’s all, baby,” I repeat.

I don’t know if I am trying to reassure Nick or myself when I say that. I do know it does absolutely nothing to comfort me, but it seems to help Nick, so I guess it was good for something.

“Yeah, baby,” he smiles at me through his tears. “It’s just a little early.”

I know you are going to judge me, but until you stand where I am standing, I don’t want to hear it, dammit.

The next few weeks go by in a dark haze. No, I am not excited about this pregnancy. No, I do not want this pregnancy. And no, I do not want this or any other child. I’m seventeen years old! I’ve never even changed a diaper! And what the hell am I supposed to do with a baby when I need to go to the store? Can I leave it at home?

Allen is two years younger than me, and the only thing I recall about him being a baby is what Mom and Dad have told me. When I first met him in the hospital and it was time to go home, I looked at the nurse and said, “Nuh uh, we ain’t takin’ that ugly thing home with us.” Then when he was four days old I tried to shove nickels up his nose and cheeseballs down his throat! Oh and then there is the family favorite, the time I grabbed a hold of his bassinet with wheels on the legs and spun that bitch around and around and then let go to watch my one-week-old baby brother fly!

Now I ask you, does ANY of that sound like the beginnings of a person with ANY maternal instinct? Exactly! HELL NO!

Nick and I are sitting in the living room and have just told my parents that their daughter is pregnant. Now I gotta tell you that I’m surprised when my parents don’t go after Nick with a gun, a shovel, and a tarp, to be honest. Instead, they slowly nod their heads, look at me, and smile. Then they look at Nick.

Daddy says, “Son, make it right. And quick.”

“Yes, sir, I will. I promise you that, Mr. Shaw.”

“Oh hell, Nicolas, it’s too late for politeness now, son, so stop trying to lay it on thick. You got the man’s daughter. Congratulations, but don’t try to go back from Pops to Mr. Shaw.” My momma tsks tsks him.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, Mother. What in Sam’s hell does it fucking matter what he calls my daddy?

Lilly hasn’t moved from her corner. She isn’t still sobbing in the fetal position, but she hasn’t stopped crying either. We haven’t talked about what’s going on. I honestly believe that the bitch has peaced the hell out and left my ass alone to deal with all of this by myself. And I really want to just fucking kick her ass.

When we tell Nick’s parents, it is the single most un-fucking-comfortable moment of my whole life.

I keep my eyes averted to my hands in my lap throughout conversation. And I can feel Mr. and Mrs. James gaze burning a damn hole in the top of my head the entire time, but I refuse to look up at them for fear that I will see in their eyes what I already know.

They were right. I will end up dragging their only child, their son, to hell with me. Because as nice as I dress up and as good as I am at keeping my filthy mouth to a minimum around Nick, I know that, at the end of it all, at the end of my existence I am still just a broken, fucked-up Lil. He can dress me up, take me to fancy restaurants and parties, and call me Lillian instead of Lil, but that doesn’t take the girl out of the cold, dark room at the airport motel.

I am jarred from my internal musings by shouts and Nick’s loud booming voice as I come into the tail end of the conversation, hearing his mother scream “…will NOT, Nicolas Wade James, WILL NOT let my mother’s ring be worn by her!”

“You know what, Mother? That is completely fine. I doubt Lillian would even want that old piece of shit!”

“Nicolas, please,” I mutter under my breath and lay my head back to listen to this debacle ensue.

“It has been in this family since 1920, Nicolas!” she growls through gritted teeth.

“Yeah? Well, not any fucking more!” he roars. “Grandmother left it to me, Mother, to give to the woman I choose—I CHOOSE—as my wife! And the sooner you two come to accept that that woman is Lillian Shaw, the better it will be for all of us. And, Mother, don’t think I won’t take that ring right now and hock it at the nearest pawn shop and use the money to get Lillian her own ring. Neither she nor I need this bullshit and we for damn sure don’t need YOU!” He shoots to his feet and storms out.

Well fuck! Now what do I do? Fuck, fuck, fuck. Way to leave your pregnant girlfriend in the snake pit, you asshole!

Keeping my eyes down, I shove the next few words out of my mouth. “Mr. and Mrs. James, I am truly sorry. And I swear it is not what you think. This was not my intention. This was not a plan or a scheme to lock myself to your son.” I feel hot tears leak from the corners of my eyes and stream down my face.

“Well if it wasn’t your intention, Ms. Shaw, why didn’t you take any measures or precautions to ensure that it didn’t occur?” Mrs. James sneers at me. She may as well have freaking slapped me across the face.

“Ma’am? What, do you mean birth control? I am… I was on birt—”

I’m cut off by Nick storming back into the sitting area, screaming and stabbing his finger into his father’s chest. “Hell NO! Father, if you don’t put a lid on your wife I swear to GOD I will split this house and this family in two! Do you hear me?”

“Michelle, sweetheart, calm down before you throw yourself into another anxiety attack,” Mr. James says, trying to calm her down.

Nick turns to me, grabs my hand, and pulls me through the house and out the front door.

I don’t know where we are going. Nick is just aimlessly driving through the night. He doesn’t say a word and neither do I.

As I watch the night fly past me through the passenger window of Nick’s car, I can’t help but think to myself and wonder,
Where did I go wrong? When and how did I pass the point of no return? Were there no signs? No speed bumps? No flashing lights or alarms or feelings of impending doom? None of that shit?
Because I swear to God, if I had seen them or heard them or felt them, I would have heeded ALL of it.

This life of mine is a monstrosity.

Somewhere behind the curtain of the stage where my conscious mind plays out over and over in my head the different paths I could have taken to divert my life’s course from where I stand now, my subconscious mind hears a sinister and wicked voice speak up and say, “
Lillian, there were no signs or alarms or speed bumps, but there were definitely flashing lights.”
She laughs and poison drips from the sound
. “Only problem was you weren’t paying attention to those lights, because, Lillian, they were flashing behind your eyelids, my dear, when you were in the throes of orgasm.”

I feel a sick and twisted, dark sense of impending doom settle over my soul and seep into my bones.

Ironic, because it’s a little too fucking late for that now, don’t you think?

M
y relationship with Nick takes a hard hit with not only the news of my pregnancy but also with the negative reception we receive as an engaged couple. His entire family is against our marrying. His friends and fraternity brothers—hell, even his college professors—are against us. He also has everyone constantly telling him that marrying me is the worst possible thing he could do, that our child and I would do nothing but drag him down and result in him working for his father instead of getting his law degree.

Even with all of those people against our relationship, upcoming marriage, and the baby, Nick remained at my side, never wavering.

I can’t tell you why Nick doesn’t run. I can tell you that if the situations were reversed and I were him, I’d have run like hell and never, ever looked back. That’s not Nick though. Nick loves me with every fiber of his being and he wants me to be his forever. He wants me as his wife.

Our wedding is only a week away, and the house is filled to capacity with friends and family. This ends up being pretty freaking cool though because Allen and I are sharing a room. I’ve missed Allen. He started riding to school with his friends, and with all the wedding drama, he and I haven’t had time to talk. So on the nights that lead up to the wedding my mother has planned to the smallest detail because I was NOT interested in ANY of it, Allen and I end up staying up half the night talking like we did when we were kids.

It’s nice, but it’s now Thursday night. We are in one of our special sibling convos again when it finally hits me that after tomorrow night I won’t live across the hall from him anymore. I won’t even live on the same street as him anymore, and this thought crushes me. I realize that, while I’ve had my head in the sand where this wedding is concerned, trying to avoid it and everything that comes along with it, it’s still coming whether I want it to or not. And when it happens, my entire life will drastically change, and it scares the living hell out of me.

“Lil.” Allen leans over the edge of the bed to look down at me on the pallet. “Hey, why are you crying?”

“I don’t know.” I’m wiping the tears from my face. “I just… Allen, I don’t think I want to get married.” The sob I was holding in gets released. I continue wiping the tears away but it’s a wasted effort. “I think it just hit me how much my life is going to change and it scares me. What am I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know what to tell you.”

“Tell me it’s going to be okay.”

“Lil, everything is going to be okay. I really think it will be. I wouldn’t just tell you that.”

“I know. I think it’s just now hitting me, finally setting in that I won’t live at home anymore. This is all I know, Allen. I’ve been with you three since the beginning of me. And I like Nick okay I guess. Not nearly as much as I like y’all though… And I’m scared.”

“What are you scared of?”

“It not working out. All of
them
being right. I’m scared to live anywhere else but at home. I don’t want to leave home. I don’t want to leave you or Mom and Dad. We’re a team and I breaking the team up.”

“That’s what happens, sis. If not this month then a few months down the road. You know that. You’re just nervous because it seems like it’s coming at you so fast. You’re staring at it in the eye and it’s still coming, and there isn’t anything you can do. I get it.”

“I’m glad you do.” Looking up at him, I know he sees the fear in my eyes. “’Cause I don’t get it, I don’t like it, and I feel like as soon as nobody is looking I’m gonna bolt.”

“Oh no you won’t! Nick’s a cool guy, Lil. He won’t hurt you. He’ll make you happy in life, you’ll see. Well that and he’s loaded.” He leans back on to the bed.

“Seriously, Allen? You did not just use ‘Well that and he’s loaded,’ as your closing statement to talk me away from becoming a runaway bride, did you?” His laughter echoes in the room.

“Hell yeah I did. Best closing statement there ever was in my book. What? You’d rather, ‘Well that and he’s broke’?” He’s still chuckling.