Alice (4 page)

ALICE:
You mustn’t eat it.

ALICE
puts the plectrum on the
CATERPILLAR
’s desk.

It’s my brother’s. Was my brother’s.

He picks up the plectrum.

CATERPILLAR:
A what?

ALICE:
Plectrum. It’s for playing guitar.

CATERPILLAR:
Plec. Trum.

Looks to me very much like a fluting device. Looks very much like the sort of tool you’d use to crimp the edges of some kind of confection, something made out of pastry,
perhaps a
tart
.

ALICE:
It’s for music. Please –

The
CATERPILLAR
clicks his fingers, and the
WONDERLANDERS
very carefully put the plectrum into an envelope, like they did
with the hair sample.

Please, it’s the only thing I’ve –

CATERPILLAR:
You can have it back when you leave.

The
CATERPILLAR
picks up a rubber stamp.

How long did you say you intend to stay?

ALICE:
I didn’t. I don’t know.

CATERPILLAR:
Let’s just take it one day at a time, then shall we? I’m issuing you with a one-day visa. If you need to stay longer you’ll
have to come back tomorrow.

WONDERLANDER:
Beep beep beep! Illegal immigrant in sector 27!

CATERPILLAR:
Onward!

The
WONDERLANDERS
start to wheel the
CATERPILLAR
away.

ALICE:
Hang on –

CATERPILLAR:
Quickly now!

ALICE:
But what do I – what do I do now?

CATERPILLAR:
We are the Wonderland State Border Control, not a haberdashery.

ALICE:
But where’s the border? If you’re the border control.

CATERPILLAR:
You’ve crossed it.

The
WONDERLANDERS
wheel the caterpillar off, humming the Welcome To Wonderland tune.

ALICE
turns around, looking behind her, but there’s no obvious border there.

ALICE:
This place is mental.

ALICE
is surrounded by other
WONDERLANDERS
carrying enormous flowers above their heads. Almost as soon as they’re
there, they’re gone.

Then a procession of
WONDERLANDERS
carrying open umbrellas, followed by a man taking a cabbage for a walk. He stops, as if the cabbage is a dog
having a poo. Then leans down with a plastic bag over his hand, and picks up a sprout, which he bags and bins.

A
POSTMAN
arrives, pulling a post box on wheels.

POSTMAN:
Aha, yes, you – you’re off to see the Duchess.

ALICE:
Am I?

POSTMAN:
In about 90 seconds time.

ALICE:
(To herself.)
OK, right, yeah. Computer game.

POSTMAN:
In which case you can take something in for me, hang on a jiffy bag...

The
POSTMAN
opens the door of the letter box and starts to search through it, pulling out lots of things that aren’t letters – a cuddly
toy, saucepan, bunch of flowers, a basketball, a fireguard, some bellows, a string of bunting...

ALICE
watches him.

ALICE:
Has she got a dog or something?

POSTMAN:
No no. Sure it’s here somewhere...

ALICE:
Why don’t you want to go in there?

POSTMAN:
I’d be perfectly happy to go in there.

ALICE:
OK, just thought you were –

POSTMAN:
I’M NOT SCARED OF HER.

ALICE:
OK.

POSTMAN:
Bells and whistles, where’s this letter? Ooh, here we are.

The
POSTMAN
pulls a letter out of the postbox.

He hands the letter to
ALICE
.

Thought I’d lost another one, there. Lose my head if I’m not careful.

Got one for you, too.

He hands
ALICE
another letter.

ALICE
turns the letter over in her hand. The
POSTMAN
starts to leave.

Cheerio then.

He stops.

Oh, and if the Duchess offers you a bowl of soup, best say you’ve already had your tea.

ALICE:
But I don’t know where her house is.

POSTMAN:
You’re there already.

ALICE
looks around and finds herself in a hot, steamy kitchen. She puts both letters in her pocket.

The room is filled with steam and the smell of drains. On a table are piles of festering vegetables and rotting fish, and a couple of tea towels so dirty they’re stuck
to the surface and growing whole new species of bacteria in their folds.

A large saucepan bubbles on a stove, giving off filthy looking fumes.

ALICE:
Oh my god. Yuck.

What is that? Euw, yuck yuck yuck.

ALICE
sneezes.

‘Choo!

OK, if it’s computer game – where do I click?

‘Choo!

What am I supposed to pick up?

I don’t want to pick anything up it all looks disgusting.

ALICE
sees the
COOK
bustling about (he’d been indistinguishable from a big pile of dirty rags at the start.).

Oh. Sorry. ‘Choo!

Sorry, I was just talking to – Um.

‘Choo! Sorry it’s a bit, um, something’s making me –

The
COOK
doesn’t look at
ALICE
, but continues bustling, wielding a scary-looking meat cleaver as he hacks up a teddy
bear and puts the pieces in a roasting tin.

ALICE
looks around. All of a sudden, the
WHITE RABBIT
dashes in, in a mad rush, as if pursued.

Hey – hello – hi – ‘Choo!

The
WHITE RABBIT
jumps into the pot of soup on the stove.

Hey, wait, hang on –

ALICE
runs over to the soup pot and climbs up onto the work surface to look inside it, but the rabbit isn’t in there.

ALICE
lifts the ladle to find it contains only soup.

How did you – How did he do that?

ALICE
stirs the pot, but to no avail. She turns to the
COOK
.

Sorry, did you just see the White Rabbit jump in here?

COOK
doesn’t seem to hear her. He coats the teddy bear pieces in olive oil, tosses and places the whole thing in the oven (or in the soup
pot).

The cook grabs an enormous pepper grinder and grinds it into the soup.

Oh my gosh – ‘Choo! – is that supposed to have so much –

‘Choo! – Is it that what’s making me sneeze?

Sorry, can’t you talk?

The
COOK
opens his mouth to speak, but before he can get a word out, the
DUCHESS
sweeps in.

DUCHESS:
Cookie! A visitor! How lovely!

She’s dressed in her idea of a perfect 1950s housewife, except her clothes are filthy and stained and her hair is wild. She’s holding a baby, tightly bundled in
a blanket, who cries incessantly.

Baby, we’ve got a visitor!

The baby responds with a loud fart, a small sneeze and more wailing.

Ahh, he likes you already, see.

How nice of you to come and see us. Cookie, you should have told me we had a guest.

ALICE:
Yeah, I’m actually –

DUCHESS:
Don’t mind baby, he’s just expressing himself, aren’t you baby?

Aren’t you a beautiful baby baby baby PIG baby baby.

The baby farts again. The
DUCHESS
grimaces, then covers it.

ALICE:
I wanted to speak to the White Rabbit only he went in that saucepan, so –

DUCHESS:
In the soup? Cookie, did you put a rabbit in the soup? You know, food is my
passion
– I hope it was organic, Cookie, and fair trade
and locally produced and seasonal –

ALICE:
Thing is, it’s not a rabbit-sized rabbit, more a man-sized rabbit. I mean, it’s not an eating rabbit, it’s a –

DUCHESS:
Baby’s a very adventurous eater, aren’t you, baby, he’ll eat anything, broccoli, pine cones, compost...

ALICE:
‘Cause I really need to talk to him you see – ‘Choo!

DUCHESS:
I mean the number of things I’ve pureed for baby and he’ll just snaffle it up like a little –

ALICE:
‘Choo!

DUCHESS:
People say how d’you find the time, all that pureeing I say I don’t know it just comes naturally like on some level I feel I’ve
always been a mother, I’m just a very
nurturing person
–

Have a muffin – I made them.

The
DUCHESS
thrusts a plate of muffins at
ALICE
. They’re covered in cobwebs and appear to have fish heads sticking out
of the top.

ALICE:
Are those fish?

DUCHESS:
I’m into slow food, aren’t you? Go on, have a lovely warm muffin.

ALICE:
No thanks, I really need to –

DUCHESS:
You don’t need to worry about your weight, you’re tiny!

ALICE:
I’m not worried about my
weight
I’m just –

DUCHESS:
Or some soup? We always have a pot of soup on the go for when visitors come, only no-one ever does, do they Cookie?

ALICE:
Yeah, I really need to find the rabbit because he gave me this, um, mission sort of thing –

DUCHESS:
Why don’t you tell me about it, eh? Sit and have a girly natter – why don’t I brush your hair for you?

The
DUCHESS
pulls out a revolting brush, matted with hair and other horrors.
ALICE
backs off.

ALICE:
No no, I don’t – Um, cause I’ve only got a one day visa, you see, and I’d really rather not –

DUCHESS:
And then we can go shopping together.

ALICE:
OK, maybe you know where I’m supposed to go – I’m looking for something called the Heart.

DUCHESS:
I know! Let’s give each other a facial!

ALICE:
Do you know where that is, the Heart?

DUCHESS:
Of course I know where it is.

ALICE:
Yes? Where?

DUCHESS:
Home
is where the heart is, isn’t it?

ALICE:
Yeah, well I’m trying to get –

DUCHESS:
And you’re home now, so –

Why don’t you stay forever, you could move in, we’ll be like flatmates, we can borrow each others’ clothes and run each other baths and things –

The queen used to love it when I ran her a bath. We were like sisters really, only she got in a tizz about some silly –

ALICE:
The queen?

DUCHESS:
You know what it’s like – having a baby can really get in the way of your –

The baby farts then sneezes.

SHUT UP!

I mean shush shush baby baby lovely baby.

Queenie thinks she doesn’t like babies or something, silly billy, who doesn’t like babies – she doesn’t invite me to anything anymore, silly billy.

Now baby, how about a bit of hush for mummy?

The
DUCHESS
bounces the baby in a way which looks rather rough.

Bouncy bouncy boo! And a bouncy bouncy boo! And a bouncy bouncy boo!

ALICE:
Careful, he’ll –

DUCHESS:
Would you like to hold him?

ALICE:
Um. No, look, I really ought to go.

DUCHESS:
Don’t go, don’t be silly, you haven’t had your tea yet.

ALICE:
Yeah, had my tea before I came I’m sorry I’ve really got to –

ALICE
starts to move away.

DUCHESS:
No don’t go don’t go don’t go don’t go

DON’T LEAVE ME HERE WITH THE BABY!

I mean. I mean. You’re my best friend.

ALICE:
We’ve only just met.

DUCHESS:
You don’t know what it’s like. No one comes. Even the postman won’t stop and talk anymore, everyone’s so
busy
–

ALICE:
Oh, the postman –

DUCHESS:
But now I’ve got you, haven’t I? Now there’ll always be someone there for me, all day every day, I can’t tell you how
happy we’ll be all together – we don’t ever need to go anywhere, we can just stay here with the curtains closed and be very very happy all by ourselves. Forever.

The baby farts.

PIG!

ALICE
takes the
DUCHESS
’s letter out of her pocket.

ALICE:
Sorry, are you – Are you a Duchess?

DUCHESS:
Of course I’m a Duchess. Don’t I look like a Duchess?

ALICE:
The postman gave me this for you.

DUCHESS:
A letter? A letter? Open it!

ALICE:
OK, um.

ALICE
opens the letter.

DUCHESS:
What can it be, baby? A letter for us!

ALICE:
Um, it’s an invitation. ‘Choo!

The
DUCHESS
squeals with delight.

DUCHESS:
Ainvitation! Did you hear that, Cookie? Who’s it from who’s it from?

ALICE:
Um, the queen.

The
DUCHESS
screams like an excited teenage girl, making the baby scream even louder.

DUCHESS:
The queen! She wants me back! This is it, Cookie – I knew she’d miss me, I knew she couldn’t be without me for long!