Alice (8 page)

A teenage
BOY
(14 or 15.) appears, wearing chef whites and wheeling a strange contraption in front of him. A little like a hostess trolley, it has a fan and a conveyor belt,
along which are passing a batch of strawberry jam tarts, and underneath this, a sort of cupboard
.

ALICE
goes over to him
.

Excuse me?

BOY:
Alright?

ALICE:
Is there um, is there a palace here?

BOY:
Well
duh
.

ALICE:
Pardon?

BOY:
Course there’s a palace, where d’you think I work?

ALICE:
OK, can you tell me where it is?

BOY:
God, d’you know nothing?

ALICE:
You hum it and I’ll tell you.

BOY:
What
?

ALICE:
Sorry, my dad says that.

Sorry, could you just basically tell me where the palace is and then I’ll go away.

BOY:
It’s over there.

A
GIRL
around the same age as the boy appears. She has an armful of red and white roses. The
BOY
’s attention
immediately switches away from
ALICE
.

ALICE:
OK, thank you.

BOY:
Whatever.

(To the girl.)
Got enough flowers, haven’t you?

GIRL:
That your best line? They’re
roses
.

BOY:
Someone give them to you, did they?

GIRL:
For the queen. Didn’t know if she wanted red or white.

Gardener just said ‘roses’.

BOY:
She’ll want red ones.

GIRL:
What, she’s your girlfriend, is she?

BOY:
She always wants red ones. Ask anyone.

GIRL:
What am I going to do with all the white ones, then?

BOY:
Keep them for yourself. I’d let you, if I was gardener.

They move off a little, talking closely. Their conversation continues softly under the next:

Unseen by the
BOY
and
GIRL
, a man climbs out from the cupboard under the tart-cooling trolley. This is the
KNAVE OF HEARTS
. He’s dressed like a burglar, and has a bag slung over his shoulder. He takes a tart from the top of the trolley and puts it in his bag, then dashes out of
sight
.

The
BOY
comes back towards the trolley to wind up the fan
.

ALICE:
Excuse me –

BOY:
And actually chef’s said my knife skills were pretty amazing, you know, for my age. He said if I carry on like this, he’ll put me on jam
in a few years time, he can see me having a career in puddings, he said.

ALICE:
Sorry, but –

BOY:
(To Alice.)
It’s over there, I told you.

GIRL:
Rory’s already on puddings.

BOY:
He said that, did he, that he’s already on puddings?

During this, the
KNAVE
steals another tart, and again is seen by
ALICE
, but not the
BOY
. It happens
again a number of times
.

I mean yeah, he is, if by ‘on puddings’ you mean pudding
assistant
. Cause that’s as far as he can go, actually, in that job, it’s a dead end.
Unless you’ve got training, experience on all the other stations. Pudding assistant’s the highest you can go unless you’ve got the basic grounding in everything else, so
–

Basically Rory’s on a path to eternal skivvitude and he doesn’t even know it.

ALICE:
Excuse me, but there’s a man –

BOY:
D’you know you’re really annoying? I told you, the palace is over there.

ALICE:
Yes, but someone’s –

BOY:
(To the girl.)
By the way, are you going to the croquet?

GIRL:
Maybe, why?

ALICE:
No, fine, ignore me, carry on.

BOY:
Just they’ve given me a second ticket, so –

GIRL:
Yeah, I’ve got a ticket.

ALICE:
There’s a man stealing your cakes, yeah?

BOY:
But is it in the royal stand?

GIRL:
No.

ALICE:
Hello?

BOY:
Stick with me, princess.

ALICE:
I mean he’s being pretty obvious.

BOY:
They don’t let just anyone do the tart cooling, you know. Responsibility.

GIRL:
What tarts?

BOY:
These. Tarts.

The
BOY
turns to look at the trolley, but there are no tarts left, they’ve all been taken
.

GIRL:
Like I say, what tarts?

BOY:
No no no no no – no no no – oh my – They were there, where’ve they gone –

The
BOY
panics
.

No no no no no I am in massive trouble. This is Jamageddon, they’re going to kill me...

He runs off with the trolley, and the
GIRL
hurries after him
.

GIRL:
It’s not your fault, though...

The
KNAVE
comes towards
ALICE
, threateningly
.

ALICE:
It’s not very nice, you know, taking other people’s cake –

KNAVE:
You saw nothing, right?

ALICE:
I saw you take all those – that poor boy, it’s not fair to –

The
KNAVE
comes right up to
ALICE
and takes her chin in his hand
.

KNAVE:
You didn’t see anything.

If you tell them what you saw, I’ll kill you.

Got that?

ALICE
nods, speechless. He leaves, stealthily
.

ALICE
is left alone
.

Interval
.

COMMENTATOR 1:
And that cracking shot concludes our warm-up match from the Junior Wonderlanders Croquet League.

COMMENTATOR 2:
Stars of the future there...

COMMENTATOR 1:
Yes indeed. And on their way to the podium now for the medals presentation.

COMMENTATOR 2:
Who knows, one day these youngsters may find themselves being presented with a medal by the queen herself.

COMMENTATOR 1:
What a proud day that would be.

DUCHESS:
Isn’t it exciting, dolly?

ALICE:
What?

DUCHESS:
To be here. Today.

ALICE:
I um – I don’t quite know how I got here.

DUCHESS:
I’m like that, I forget things all the time.

ALICE:
I mean I was just talking to that scary man and now I’m – Now I’m here.

Sorry, where am I exactly?

DUCHESS:
Silly dolly. You’re at the queen’s croquet ground.

ALICE:
The queen of Hearts?

DUCHESS:
Aren’t you more excited than you’ve ever been? A game of croquet and then tea.

ALICE:
I don’t really know anything about croquet.

DUCHESS:
Gosh dolly, don’t say that anywhere near her majesty – the queen’s mad for croquet.

ALICE:
Is the queen here?

DUCHESS:
She’ll be here any minute, for the big match. Do you really mean to tell me you’ve never played croquet?

ALICE:
It’s a bit old-fashioned where I come from.

DUCHESS:
Darling dolly, come over here and let me show you.

They go towards a rack of flamingos and a bucket of hedgehogs
.

ALICE:
Um, look, there’s something I should tell you.

DUCHESS:
Don’t tell me – you think I’m so much calmer since you last saw me, my skin’s looking so much better...

ALICE:
Yeah, it’s just – You know the baby?

DUCHESS:
The little pig.

ALICE:
Yes.

The
DUCHESS
looks at a number of flamingos
.

DUCHESS:
You’ll need one of these.

ALICE:
Thing is, it turned out it was actually a pig.

DUCHESS:
Yes, I know. Horrid little thing, caterwauling all the –

Here you are – this might be the right size.

The
DUCHESS
hands
ALICE
the flamingo.
ALICE
doesn’t know how to hold it
.

ALICE:
The thing is, um, I’m terribly sorry, but –

DUCHESS:
No, that’s too short.

ALICE:
I’m everso sorry but I’m afraid it ran away.

DUCHESS:
What about this one?

The
DUCHESS
hands her another flamingo
.

What ran away?

ALICE:
The pig. The pigbaby. I’m really sorry. It just ran off, so –

DUCHESS:
Oh don’t worry about that, dolly. Getting that baby off my hands was the best thing I ever did – I can’t tell you how much
better I feel – calmer, more adjusted, freer, less tense – so much less tense, I was carrying all this tension in my neck, in my shoulders –

No dolly, you’re holding it the wrong way up.

ALICE:
Um, OK.

DUCHESS:
And you must greet it nicely.

ALICE:
Sorry?

DUCHESS:
Say hello.

ALICE:
Um, hello. Flamingo.

FLAMINGO:
Mr Flamingo if you don’t mind.

DUCHESS:
You’ve to be very polite or it won’t hit when you want it to.

ALICE:
Um, sorry. Mr Flamingo.

FLAMINGO:
That’s better.

DUCHESS:
Bad-tempered things, flamingos, but you have to humour them.

FLAMINGO:
I heard that.

DUCHESS:
Isn’t this fun? Now, you need a hedgehog as well.

That’s the other good thing about losing the silly baby – now the queen will surely have me back. As soon as she sees me she’ll – You don’t think
she’s only got me here to make up the numbers or something, do you?

ALICE:
I’m sure not.

The
DUCHESS
has picked a hedgehog for
ALICE
.

DUCHESS:
Here’s a good beginner’s one, try this. Just give it a little tap with the flamingo.

ALICE:
Isn’t that cruel?

DUCHESS:
No no, they love it.

HEDGEHOG:
Hello, my name’s Roger and I’m going to be your hedgehog for today – any questions at all, don’t hesitate to ask.

Now feel free to hit me as hard as you like – I am a professional. Though I would ask you please to avoid the facial area as I need that for my modelling contracts.

ALICE:
Modelling?

HEDGEHOG:
I’m wasted here, quite frankly.

DUCHESS:
Go on, dolly – have a go.

HEDGEHOG:
So I roll up like this and then you hit me.

ALICE:
With the flamingo.

FLAMINGO:
Mr
Flamingo.

HEDGEHOG:
And then you try to get me through that little arch there, OK.

ALICE
has a go. The
HEDGEHOG
yelps each time he’s hit
.

Eeep! Thank you.

DUCHESS:
Very good. Keep going.

You do think the queen will receive me today, don’t you? Just have to make sure I pick the right moment –

A fanfare
.

Oh dolly, she’s coming, she’s coming.

The
DUCHESS
drags
ALICE
off the pitch
.

COMMENTATOR 1:
If you’ve just joined us we’re reporting from the annual All – Wonderland Croquet Tournament, in the presence of her
majesty the queen, croquet’s greatest fan.

COMMENTATOR 2:
And of course his majesty the king.

COMMENTATOR 1:
The king, yes, and her majesty the queen looking as radiant as ever – you know, it’s a wonder to me to think that those
delicate hands were up until last night hard at work baking tarts, and yet now here she is, quite serene, not a dusting of flour or a spot of jam in sight.

She is, truly, the Queen of Hearts.

COMMENTATOR 2:
And what a tea we shall all have later.

COMMENTATOR 1:
The white rabbit there, attending to every royal whim in his usual indispensable way, the model of discretion.

ALICE:
(To
DUCHESS
.)
Does the White Rabbit work for the queen?

COMMENTATOR 2:
What secrets must those ears have heard, eh?

COMMENTATOR 1:
Yes indeed.

ALICE:
If he works for the queen that must mean I’m in the right place, mustn’t it?

COMMENTATOR 2:
Not um, not bad secrets, I mean –

COMMENTATOR 1:
The queen now rising from her royal seat to address the crowd – a reverent hush, if you please.

The
QUEEN
stands up
.

ALICE
looks at the
QUEEN
properly for the first time
.

ALICE:
She looks like my mum!

DUCHESS:
Shhh.

QUEEN:
Most dear, most loyal, most delicious subjects.

ALICE:
She sounds like my mum, too –

QUEEN:
It is with great pleasure that you would like to thank me for laying on such a magnificent spectacle this afternoon, and for the love and fidelity
that you enjoy. From me.

ALICE:
This means I’m definitely in the right place.

DUCHESS:
Really, dolly, you ought to be quiet.

QUEEN:
I think we can all agree that there is no-one in all Wonderland more wonderful than me, and for that you are of course, profoundly grateful. From
the bottom of your hearts.

ALICE:
I should go and speak to her then maybe she can click her fingers or her shoes or something and get me out of here.

ALICE
steps over the rope at the side of the pitch to try to move towards the
QUEEN
, but before she’s covered any
distance, a match
OFFICIAL
swoops in and stops her
.

OFFICIAL:
Sorry miss, you can’t go over there.

ALICE:
But I need to speak to my –

OFFICIAL:
Come on, we don’t want any trouble – off the green, please.

ALICE:
But I want to talk to the queen.

OFFICIAL:
Only players allowed to approach the queen, miss.

QUEEN:
My husband and I were remarking only the other day how lucky you are to be ruled by such a just, reasonable, compassionate queen as me –

There’s a shout from an unseen
WONDERLANDER
in the crowd
.

WONDERLANDER:
Tell us about the tarts!

QUEEN:
Who said that? Off with his head!

The
KING
comes closer to the
QUEEN
’s side
.

KING:
Beheadings later, my dear – Please continue, we’re hanging on every word.

The
QUEEN
composes herself and continues
.

QUEEN:
I simply cannot tell you how pleased you are to be here, in the presence of me. Me are happy to invite you all – or those of you still in
possession of your heads by that point – to a croquet tea at which my home made tarts will be served to the most deserving among you.

But before that – to the match. What a happy coincidence that croquet, my favourite sport, is also the favourite sport of all Wonderlanders everywhere. And what an
exciting game me will have today – a champion, undefeated for twenty-five matches, and an unknown challenger. Who among you is brave enough to take on this quest for glory?

The
QUEEN
looks at the crowd. No-one volunteers
.

I SAID – who among you is brave enough to take on the challenge?

ALICE:
Why won’t anyone volunteer?

DUCHESS:
No one could defeat the champion. He’s –

QUEEN:
Never mind that the last challenger had to have a hedgehog removed from his buttocks – he was right as rain in no time.

Come on, Wonderland. Where’s your lust for adventure?

Still no volunteers
.

I WANT TO WATCH SOME CROQUET.

If no one volunteers then off with everyone’s head. Off with his head, and her head, and his head and his head and off with their heads over there and...

ALICE:
If I play, I’ll get to meet the queen, right?

DUCHESS:
You play?

ALICE
looks at her
HEDGEHOG
and
FLAMINGO
.

ALICE:
What d’you think, guys?

HEDGEHOG:
No no no I’m scared, he’s scary.

FLAMINGO:
Do you know, I can’t today, I’ve got to go to the chiropodist.

ALICE:
Come on, let’s be brave, let’s do it.

ALICE
goes to the match official
.

I’d like to be the challenger, please.

OFFICIAL:
Are you sure?

QUEEN:
... and your head and your head and –

OFFICIAL:
Your majesty – we have a challenger.

ALICE
steps forward. The
QUEEN
looks her up and down with a flicker of recognition, then claps her hands, delighted
.

The crowd breathes a sigh of relief
.

QUEEN:
Bring out the champion!

The crowd goes wild as the champion (wearing a helmet with a face-cage) is carried in, triumphant, and does a pre-emptive lap of honour
.

COMMENTATOR 1:
The crowd going suitably loopy there for the entrance of the All-Wonderland Croquet champion.

COMMENTATOR 2:
And we’ve just been passed some statistics about today’s challenger – never been known to win a tournament, never to
our knowledge even handled a flamingo.

COMMENTATOR 1:
Could this be the shortest game in the history of this venerable championship?

The champion takes off his mask and snarls at the crowd who squeal with delight
.

ALICE
recognises him
.

ALICE:
That’s the man – that’s the man I saw!
He’s
the champion?

FLAMINGO:
The Knave of Hearts.

ALICE:
But he can’t be – I saw him –

FLAMINGO:
Never been beaten. He’s the queen’s favourite.

HEDGEHOG:
Gosh, the things he can do with a hedgehog...

The
KNAVE
, having finished snarling at the crowd, advances on
ALICE
, menacingly. She stands with her flamingo lowered, trying
to be brave. He circles her, then comes close and looks her in the eye, challengingly
.

He puts his helmet back on and smacks it down on the top of his head – he’s ready to play. The crowd whoop and cheer. The
KNAVE
backs
away from
ALICE
, and goes to select a flamingo from a rack displayed to him by the
OFFICIAL
.

FLAMINGO:
Oooh – ahh – the blood’s all rushing to my head – ahhh –

HEDGEHOG:
You mustn’t leave him upside down for too long – the blood all rushes to his head.