Alice (11 page)

ALICE:
No, I don’t insist, really.

HUMPTY DUMPTY:
I can’t bear to disappoint people, you see. But I’m still tinkering with this one, so –

ALICE:
OK.

HUMPTY DUMPTY:
It is called ‘Sleeping With The Fishes’.

HUMPTY
clears his throat
.

Ahem.

I have slept with the fishes

Oh I oh I

Down in the murkiest depths

On a dark dark dark dark dark dark dark dark dark

Night

Repetition there, I don’t know if you spotted it.

ALICE:
Just about.

HUMPTY DUMPTY:

Sing us a story! Oh! Cry the fishes

For we are so scared that the spectre will come.

Up on the beach, the beach that is breadcrumbs

The prawns are a-dancing

And laugh with the waves

Anthropomorphism there, of course, since we know that waves don’t laugh.

ALICE:
Neither do prawns.

HUMPTY DUMPTY:

Then out of the shadows, a-shuffling, a-groaning

Shuffling, stumpy

Slow and moaning

Assonance. Slow and moaning.

I’ll sing you a song! Says the terrible spectre

Of earths that have worms in and things that eat eyes

The life underground is not fit to keep rats in

I AM NOT AT PEACE! the spectre cries

The rat, of course, a classical symbol for survival of the human spirit.

Did you catch the reference to Finnegans Wake back there?

ALICE:
Absolutely. Just I’ve really got to –

HUMPTY DUMPTY:

Take thou my hand, and the hands of the fishes

Come with me dancing to infinite death

Oh oh oh oh

Do not let them burn me he cries

ALICE:
Thank you, I’ve really got to –

HUMPTY DUMPTY:
I haven’t finished.

Nails clawing at the lid of the coffin

ALICE:
I think I’ve had enough poetry now.

HUMPTY DUMPTY:

I AM NOT AT PEACE! he cries

DO NOT BURN ME, I AM NOT AT PEACE!

ALICE:
Stop it!

HUMPTY DUMPTY:

Deep. Deep. Deep. Deep.

Sleeping with the fishes

I AM NOT AT PEACE.

ALICE:
Stop it now! I mean it.

ALICE
shakes a little
.

HUMPTY DUMPTY:
I have never been spoken to like that.

ALICE:
Sorry. Sorry, just –

HUMPTY DUMPTY:
You can interpret your own poem, and good luck to you, I say.

ALICE:
No I’m sorry. Please can you –

HUMPTY DUMPTY:
THE BELL IS FOR ME NOT FOR YOU!

Homework in by Friday please, or there’ll be no jam for anyone. It’s your own life you’re wasting, you know...

Some
WONDERLANDERS
come and wheel
HUMPTY
off
.

ALICE:
Yeah, well done, Alice, that’s excellent. He could have explained that whole thing to you, but now you’ve pissed him off and he’s
pissed off, gone away. Fat lot of good you turned out to be.

ALICE
sees the
POSTMAN
approaching. She pulls herself together.

OH, OK. Here we go. Hello.

The
POSTMAN
doesn’t seem to see her.

Hello?

POSTMAN:
Hello?

ALICE:
Hi.

The
POSTMAN
smiles blandly and carries on.

Haven’t you got anything for me? In there?

The
POSTMAN
stops, looks at
ALICE
.

POSTMAN:
Don’t think so.

ALICE:
Um, sorry, could you – would you mind checking?

Please.

He opens the post box and starts to go through it.

POSTMAN:
I do have a round to do, you know.

ALICE:
Yes, thank you.

POSTMAN:
What’s the name?

ALICE:
Alice. You gave me a letter before.

POSTMAN:
Not ringing any bells, I’m afraid.

He pulls out a bucket and spade and hands it to
ALICE
.

This any good to you?

ALICE:
Um, not really.

POSTMAN:
How about this?

He pulls out a pair of flip flops tied together.

ALICE:
No, I was thinking more like a –

POSTMAN:
What about this – lovely.

He pulls out an ice cream and holds it towards
ALICE
.

ALICE:
For god’s sake I don’t want stupid knick-knacks I want something
proper
. What am I going to do with a bloody bucket and spade? I
need a letter or a postcard or I don’t know, a message written on a piece of
bark
I mean something useful that’ll tell me what to do cause I don’t know what to do.

POSTMAN:
Well.

ALICE:
Sorry.

POSTMAN:
Just trying to do my job.

ALICE:
I’m sorry.

POSTMAN:
Under trying circumstances.

ALICE:
I just want to go home. I saw you and I thought you must be coming to give me something.

ALICE
looks away. The
POSTMAN
softens.

POSTMAN:
Let’s have another look, shall we?

He starts to go through the box again. He pulls out a plastic cricket bat, but thinks better of giving it to
ALICE
, and puts it back in.

POSTMAN:
Can’t see anything for an Alice, I’m afraid. What’s the surname?

ALICE:
Little.

POSTMAN:
Little. Nope.

The
POSTMAN
pulls out a plastic wrapped skate shop catalogue.

Got a Joseph Little, I’m guessing that’s not you.

ALICE:
Joe.

The
POSTMAN
hands the catalogue to
ALICE
.

He gets these all the time, this is the only kind of post he gets, this and guitar catalogues. We’ll have to cancel them.

POSTMAN:
Sorry, d’you know this person?

ALICE:
Yeah.

POSTMAN:
Don’t fancy delivering that for me, do you?

ALICE
hands the catalogue back.

ALICE:
He’s not here.

POSTMAN:
Ah well. Pop it back in. Never know when you might bump into someone.

ALICE:
No, I mean he’s gone.

POSTMAN:
Gone’s where I should be. These knick-knacks won’t deliver themselves, you know.

ALICE:
(To herself.)
He’s gone.

POSTMAN:
Cheerio then.

The
POSTMAN
leaves.

ALICE:
Gone for always. I’ll never get to tell him I –

We’ll never have popcorn together and watch a dvd again. He’ll never do that funny face behind mum’s back when she’s being – We’ll never go
for a bike ride. He won’t be there to take me to the pub when I’m big enough. I was dreading him going to university next year but he won’t even be going to university now.

The
stupid
– Why was he so stupid? He knows how to cross the road. He bloody taught
me
how to cross the road.

ALICE
hears a strain of the birthday song Joe wrote for her.

Joe?

She listens for a moment, then the song fades away.

No no, don’t go – I can’t remember the words. Joe?

Don’t cry – Don’t cry, Alice, don’t –

She’s interrupted by a crying wail somewhere close by. She turns around, looking for where the sound came from.

Two voices are heard approaching.

MOCK TURTLE:
Oh no. This is a disaster.

GRYPHON:
Now love, let me just – I just need to get hold of your hands and we’ll try to flip you, OK. We’ll get you upright in no
time.

Hup hup
heave
!

The
GRYPHON
and
MOCK TURTLE
appear – she’s flat on her back (as much as you can be with a tin bath strapped to
your back) and he is pulling on her hands to try to flip her over, but only succeeds in pulling her along the floor, closer to
ALICE
.

MOCK TURTLE:
It’s no good, you’ll never get me’t right way up again. I’ll have to spend’t rest of my life flat on my
back.

GRYPHON:
Might be quite nice.

MOCK TURTLE:
And since I’ve got this terrible cold,

GRYPHON:
You haven’t got a cold love, it’s just nerves.

MOCK TURTLE:
I know what’ll happen – the snot’ll all go backwards down my throat and I’ll choke to death and I’ll be
powerless to stop it, and won’t they all laugh at me. Choking to death.

GRYPHON:
There’s someone over there. They might be able to help.

The
MOCK TURTLE
cranes her head to look.

MOCK TURTLE:
It won’t work. We’ll just be disappointed.

The
GRYPHON
comes over to
ALICE
.

GRYPHON:
Hello.

ALICE:
Hi.

GRYPHON:
Don’t suppose you’d give us a hand, would you?

ALICE:
OK.

GRYPHON:
Thank you. Thanks everso much.

The
GRYPHON
and
ALICE
walk over to the
MOCK TURTLE
.

Thing is my wife’s got a bit –

MOCK TURTLE:
Hello.

GRYPHON:
Got a bit upset.

MOCK TURTLE:
I’m
very
upset.

GRYPHON:
Upset in the sense of being overturned.

MOCK TURTLE:
Disturbed!

GRYPHON:
I think it might take two of us to get her back again.

ALICE:
OK, why don’t you pull that foot over?

GRYPHON:
Yes.

ALICE:
And I’ll pull this hand – sorry, can I have your hand? Other one.

The
MOCK TURTLE
grudgingly gives
ALICE
her hand.

MOCK TURTLE:
It’s never going to work.

I mean whose idea was it to go for a walk, anyway?

ALICE:
OK, and then if we both pull at the same time...

GRYPHON:
It was a lovely walk – we went all along’t beach.

MOCK TURTLE:
Sand made my toes itch.

ALICE:
Pull a bit harder!

GRYPHON:
We had a paddle, talked about old times. It were lovely.

MOCK TURTLE:
It were
terrible
.

ALICE:
Once more!

They finally pull hard enough and the
MOCK TURTLE
flips over onto her hands and knees.

MOCK TURTLE:
Ooof.

ALICE:
There we go.

Can I help you stand up?

GRYPHON:
One hand each.

They each take one of the
MOCK TURTLE
’s hands and help her to stand up.

Well int it nice to be’t right way up again?

The
MOCK TURTLE
won’t let go of
ALICE
’s hand.

MOCK TURTLE:
No – lead me to’t sofa, I’m too weak to stand.

ALICE:
Sofa?

GRYPHON:
Over there.

ALICE
looks over and sees a battered sofa sitting on the beach.

ALICE:
A sofa on a beach. I’m not even surprised anymore.

MOCK TURTLE
: I mean this is why I prefer not to go for walks and things – ‘cause when I fall over I can’t get back up again.

It is so terribly hard on me.

The
MOCK TURTLE
starts to wail. Then, after a moment –

Tissue!

The
GRYPHON
grabs a box of tissues and hands one to the
MOCK TURTLE
.

It’s my husband I feel sorry for, really.

GRYPHON:
No, love.

MOCK TURTLE:
What can it be like, being stuck wi’ me all’t time?

The
MOCK TURTLE
blows her nose loudly on the tissue, then puts her hand out for another.

I have been
so
ill for so long.

ALICE:
What’s wrong with you?

GRYPHON:
What’s not wrong with her?

MOCK TURTLE:
You see? The burden I am?

I used to be a dancer, you know. I wish you could have seen. I can hardly move now for’t terrible pain in my back – rheumatic, phlegmatic, asthmatic, operatic, you
name it I’ve got it.

Tissue!

The
GRYPHON
reaches into the tissues box, but it’s empty.

GRYPHON:
They’re all gone, love.

MOCK TURTLE:
Oh no!

ALICE:
What?

MOCK TURTLE:
All’t tissues have gone. This is aaaaaawful. This is a disaster.

ALICE:
It’s not really a –

MOCK TURTLE:
How is this not a disaster? How can I wipe my eyes if there aren’t any more tissues?

GRYPHON:
No no, tell her about the dancing, love.

ALICE:
It’s OK, you don’t have to –

GRYPHON:
D’you want her to stop crying? Go on love – the night we met.

MOCK TURTLE:
All-Wonderland Maritime Dance Championship. Right here on this very beach.