Alice (15 page)

ALICE:
I didn’t write it.

KNAVE:
Borogoves
we know to be a slang word young people use for certain jam-filled foodstuffs –

ALICE:
It doesn’t mean that. Borogoves are birds with long legs and feathers all sticking out –

The jury laughs.

It’s true, Humpty Dumpty told me! Ask Humpty Dumpty if you don’t believe me.

KING:
Perhaps we should call Humpty Dumpty.

The
WHITE RABBIT
whispers in the
KING
’s ear.

Ah. Shame.

QUEEN:
What is it?

KING:
Humpty Dumpty had something of a fall. Cavalry couldn’t get there in time.

QUEEN:
Carry on, Knave. I’m quite enjoying this.

KNAVE:

So rested he by the Tumtum tree –

Tumtum of course signifying hunger.

And as in uffish thought he stood –

ALICE:
I don’t know what any of it means.

KNAVE:
A brilliant piece of lyrical styling, but the arrogant criminal always makes one mistake.

Do the jury know, I wonder, what the French for
Jabberwock
is?

ALICE:
The French?

KNAVE:
The French for
Jabberwock
is ‘Aistolthatartez’.

The crowd gasps.

ALICE:
It’s just a piece of paper, I didn’t write it. Someone sent it to me.

KNAVE:
I mean I think the word ‘snicker-snack’ says it all, don’t you?

QUEEN:
Guilty!

ALICE:
No! It’s not fair!

The whole courtroom starts to laugh.

What? What’s funny?

QUEEN:
Fair? Whoever expected a trial to be fair?

KNAVE:
‘It’s not fair’!

ALICE:
Of course they’re supposed to be fair, that’s the point.

That’s why you have a jury.

KING:
What a trial has to do with fairness –

QUEEN:
‘It’s not fair’! Hilarious!

The
QUEEN
wipes her eyes.

Oh that’s cheered me up.

KNAVE:
You’re going down! You’re going down!

ALICE:
But I didn’t do anything!

KNAVE:
‘It’s not fair’!

ALICE:
No, shut up and listen. I didn’t do anything. He’s lying. This is a ridiculous place.

QUEEN:
Poor thing thinks life should be fair.

ALICE:
You’re all idiots. What a stupid bunch of –

The courtroom dissolves in a deluge of bouncing coloured rain.

WHITE RABBIT:
Hold on to me.

ALICE
holds the
WHITE RABBIT
’s arm until the deluge subsides and the courtroom, and all the people in it, have
disappeared.

ALICE
lets go of the
WHITE RABBIT
’s arm and backs away from him. They’re in a blank space, as when she first met
him.
ALICE
tries to work out what’s going on.

WHITE RABBIT:
There we go. I think it’s –

He looks up. One more drop falls and bounces.

Hmm.

He looks up again. Nothing.

Yes I think it’s stopped.

ALICE:
So what, are you going to take me to some bonkers jail now? Entomb me in jelly or something?

WHITE RABBIT:
Eek. You’re angry.

ALICE:
I’m furious. That was total nonsense, call that a fair trial –

WHITE RABBIT:
It’s actually good if you’re angry.

ALICE:
Is it?

WHITE RABBIT:
To be in contact with your – yes – absolutely. Result.

ALICE:
What?

WHITE RABBIT:
You’ve found it. You’ve found your heart.

ALICE
looks at him, stunned.

What?

ALICE:
My
heart?

WHITE RABBIT:
Yes. Hurrah. I mean – sort of – Go right to the heart, I said.

ALICE:
The Heart I was looking for was
my
heart?

WHITE RABBIT:
Yes. Bingo. Game over.

ALICE:
All this time I’m walking around like a human thesaurus – did he mean the
centre
, or the Heart of the
matter
, or the queen
of Hearts or – all this time you just meant
my
heart?

You could have saved me a lot of –

WHITE RABBIT:
Yeah but you needed to – to get there on your own. I did say that.

ALICE:
I was at a funeral, yeah? That was important, that was –

WHITE RABBIT:
This was important.

ALICE:
Wandering around flipping Monkey Island talking to one flipping nutter after another?

WHITE RABBIT:
To teach you something, help you learn something.

ALICE:
Croquet? Tea parties?

WHITE RABBIT:
Well the tea party of course was a lesson about time.

ALICE:
It was mostly some guff about jam, wasn’t it?

WHITE RABBIT:
You see what happens is, all the time you’re there thinking it’s mostly about jam – on the surface, yes – but
there’s this other voice going into your head sideways telling you time’s a great healer, for example, that things’ll get better with time and in your heart you know that clocks
and time and people all have to move forward, don’t they?

ALICE:
Obvious.

WHITE RABBIT:
There were lessons here for – for you to learn from.

ALICE:
What, lessons like steer clear of duchesses, they’re all nuts?

WHITE RABBIT:
You don’t know what life’s going to throw at you next.

ALICE:
Sometimes life throws you a pig dressed as a baby.

WHITE RABBIT:
And you catch it, don’t you? You caught it. Set it free.

ALICE:
And then a cat-man comes along and does creepy smiling at you.

WHITE RABBIT:
Other people’s smiles look strange at the moment ‘cause you don’t feel like smiling yourself.

ALICE:
And what about Humpty Dumpty? – he was
horrible
.

WHITE RABBIT:
He was difficult. But things have to be difficult sometimes.

Difficult’s good for you in the end.

ALICE:
And the stupid poem – the Jabberwocky?

WHITE RABBIT:
Well that’s about your fear of not understanding things. Remember what the Cheshire Cat said about how things don’t always
make sense? That sometimes you just have to accept it?

ALICE:
I hate things that don’t make sense.

WHITE RABBIT:
But things that don’t make sense are as much part of life as things that fit together perfectly. It’s your age – you
think everything should add up and everything should be fair –

ALICE:
Oh don’t tell me what a
child
I am.

WHITE RABBIT:
I know, I know. You feel a hundred years old.

The thing is that there are some things in the world that can’t be understood.

It’s time for you to get out of the house, Alice.

ALICE:
Don’t tell me what I – This was a stupid wild goose chase. God’s sake I know exactly where my heart is cause it aches like a
–

WHITE RABBIT:
Like walking around with a tin bath strapped to your back?

ALICE:
He’s been dead two weeks and you want me to be dancing around?

WHITE RABBIT:
No no, not now – but one day.

Like with Tweedledum and Tweedledee. One day you’ll be like them, you’ll be able to look back and think about Joe happily, remembering happy things.

Because it’s OK to be happy, eventually. And it’s OK to laugh, cause Joe would want that, wouldn’t he? You mustn’t hold yourself back because you think
you ought to be in constant pain and if you’re not you’re being disloyal. And it’s OK to eat because you’re still –

You mustn’t be embarrassed that you’re still alive, you know.

ALICE:
And what, if I remember all this stuff I’m going to be OK about Joe being dead, am I?

WHITE RABBIT:
Oh no. No, that’ll take years. We’re just working on getting you out of the house.

Remember what the caterpillar said – one day at a time.

ALICE:
That’s just a stupid cliché.

WHITE RABBIT:
It’s a cliché because it’s true.

Oh, I’ve got something to give back.

He starts to go through his pockets.

ALICE:
What is it?

WHITE RABBIT:
No, that’s a receipt for some carrots –

Here we are. One plectrum. Compliments of the Wonderland State Border Control.

He hands the plectrum back to
ALICE
. She looks at it in her hand.

He’s always with you.

ALICE
puts the plectrum back in her pocket.

ALICE:
I feel like a dick.

WHITE RABBIT:
Don’t feel like a dick. Why d’you feel like a dick?

ALICE:
Cause I should have been able to work it out by myself.

WHITE RABBIT:
Don’t underestimate your brain’s ability to fool you, throw you a curve ball. You know, you’re going through something
massive, something that’d be massively difficult for anyone, and you’re only 12.

ALICE:
Yeah, let’s not get back onto me being 12 again, it –

Wait – my
brain
? What d’you mean, my brain?

WHITE RABBIT:
Your brain made Wonderland. For you to hide in for a bit.

ALICE:
I made this?

WHITE RABBIT:
Which makes you sort of brilliant. Very brilliant, actually.

The
WHITE RABBIT
goes over to a large wooden box, the same as the one he climbed into at the start.

ALICE:
Are you going?

WHITE RABBIT:
Your mum and dad are going to need you.

The
WHITE RABBIT
starts to unpack the box, revealing the armchair from
ALICE
’s living room.

ALICE:
My mum hates me.

WHITE RABBIT:
Not true.

ALICE:
She’d rather have the Knave of Hearts – I mean no – I mean she’d rather have Joe – agh, you’ve confused me, I
can’t separate –

WHITE RABBIT:
Grown ups aren’t always logical either.

ALICE:
Everyone’s mental.

WHITE RABBIT:
Some of the time.

ALICE:
Obvious again.

WHITE RABBIT:
It’s both. It’s completely obvious and utterly bewildering. So you do what you can, when you can, and everyone muddles through
and just occasionally something’s so beautiful it takes your breath away.

ALICE’S DAD
’s head appears out of the seat of the armchair.

DAD:
Hello love.

(Calling.)
Suzanne – Suze, she’s here, I’ve found her.

He starts to climb out of the armchair. The
WHITE RABBIT
backs off, gradually leaves.

Where’ve you been love, we’ve been looking everywhere.

ALICE:
I’ve been here.

DAD:
Looked everywhere for you.

MUM
’s head appears through the armchair.

MUM:
You’re here!

What the bloody hell are you doing, we’ve been –

DAD:
Suze –

MUM:
Sorry. Sorry. Graham can you –

DAD
helps
MUM
to climb through the armchair. Both of them stand looking at
ALICE
.

We were really worried. Thought you’d gone.

DAD:
But you’ve not, so that’s good, so –

MUM:
The gannets have all gone now, it’s just us.

DAD:
We should call Helen, tell her to stop looking.

MUM:
Auntie Helen’s gone out kerbcrawling, looking for you.

MUM
looks at
ALICE
.
ALICE
looks at the floor.

MUM
looks at
DAD
. He nods.

Your, um. Your dad’s pointed out to me that I might not have seemed very nice to you the past few days and I wanted to say I’m –

ALICE:
I’m sorry Joe’s gone.

MUM:
Oh love, of course you are. I know you are. You didn’t think I thought you weren’t, did you?

ALICE:
I don’t know.

MUM:
Oh petal, come here.

ALICE
goes towards her
MUM
. They falter at about a metre from each other.

MUM
touches
ALICE
’s hair.

I’m sorry, love. Sorry I’m so –

I’m not cross with you, petal.

I’m still your mummy.

DAD:
We could have a cup of tea if you like. If you’re not completely sick of tea today.

ALICE:
What d’you mean?

DAD:
All that tea we had to drink at the funeral.

ALICE:
I’d like a cup of tea.

DAD:
Oh but we’re out of milk.

MUM:
Bloody Helen –

DAD:
Love –

MUM:
Well she makes it so milky!

DAD:
I’ll go to Somerfield.

ALICE:
I’ll get it.

DAD:
Pardon?