Alice (13 page)

DUM:
Tweedledoo goes on the top.

ALICE:
Tweedle –

DUM:
Doo.

ALICE:
Sorry, what?

The boys sigh at having to explain.

DEE:
He’s Tweedledum.

DUM:
He’s Tweedledee.

DEE:
And our friend is called Tweedle
doo
.

DUM:
Except we don’t know where he’s gone to.

DEE:
He was here and then he’s gone away.

ALICE:
Did he say where he was going?

DEE:
He didn’t say anything.

DUM:
One day he was there and the next day he wasn’t.

DEE:
And we was a bit sad.

DUM:
And now there’s only two of us, which means we can’t do a proper pyramid AND we can’t be a proper band.

ALICE:
A music band?

DEE:
He plays ukulele and I play ukulele and then Tweedledoo is the main guitar man.

DUM:
And the singer.

DEE:
And he writes the songs.

DUM:
And you can’t be a band with only two.

ALICE:
What was the band called?

DEE:
The Doodeedums.

DUM:
Which is a name made out of –

ALICE:
Your names, yeah.

DEE:
She’s clever, she is.

DUM:
Swotty, she’s a swot.

ALICE:
Why can’t you be in a band with only two?

DEE:
Can’t even decide what we’re called. I think The Deedums.

DUM:
I think the Dumdees.

DEE:
But that’s a stupid name.

DUM:
Yeah, bum off, poo man.

DEE:
Poo off, bum man.

DUM:
You’re a man made out of poo.

DEE:
You’re a man made out of bums.

ALICE:
Boys, come on –

DEE:
He pretends to be my friend, you know, but he STOLE my maraca.

DUM:
I DID NOT STEAL YOUR MARACA.

DEE:
He stole it and it was a new one.

DUM:
It’s my job to do the maraca bit in the middle of the song.

DEE:
But it’s my maraca, so you can’t. He’s a stealer.

DUM:
It’s not your maraca, it’s ours.

ALICE:
Why don’t you just share it, OK? How’s that?

DEE:
Fight you for it!

ALICE:
Share it.

DUM:
OK, fight for it, then. Good luck cause you’re going to need it.

DEE:
You are too, cause I’m the best fighter.

The boys square up, fists raised.

ALICE:
OK, OK, hang on –

DEE:
Think you can fight me without armour?

DUM:
Think you can?

DEE:
Ding ding ding that’s the bell to get tooled up.

The boys lower their fists.

DUM:
She can help us get ready.

They toddle off and each return pulling an old-fashioned trunk containing makeshift armour – pillows, saucepans, hubcaps, a colander, a couple of muffin trays and a
tangle of rope and string.

They start to get dressed, tying the metal objects and the pillows to themselves.

DEE:
Can you tie this round the back, please?

ALICE
goes to help him.

TWEEDLEDUM
puts a saucepan on his head.

DUM:
Helmet on –

TWEEDLEDEE
points to the colander.

DEE:
I need that for my head.

ALICE
picks it up for him.

It’s got holes in cause it’s breathable, see?

DUM:
Gonna hurt you big, bum man.

DEE:
(Quietly.)
Maybe I shouldn’t fight today, you know, cause I’ve actually got asthma.

DUM:
I need help too!

ALICE:
Coming.

ALICE
goes to help
TWEEDLEDUM
tie a muffin tray to his front.

DUM:
I’m going to need a weapon.

DEE:
You’re a weapon.

DUM:
You’re
a weapon.

DEE:
I’m taking you to Painful Town, population
you
.

DUM:
(To
ALICE
.)
Maybe I shouldn’t fight today, you know, cause I’ve got a bone in my leg.

ALICE:
You don’t have to fight.

DUM:
He’ll think I’m a baby if I don’t.

DEE:
I don’t want to fight today, I’m too sad.

DUM:
I’m too sad too.

We didn’t have fighting when Tweedledoo was here.

DEE:
We did a bit.

DUM:
But Tweedledoo would stop us fighting, or he’d do something funny so we wouldn’t want to.

ALICE:
My brother used to say ‘don’t laugh don’t laugh don’t laugh’ till I couldn’t stop myself laughing.

DUM:
Has your brother gone away too?

ALICE:
Yeah. Never coming back.

The three of them sit down on one of the trunks, dejected.

DEE:
It hurts here.

DUM:
Yeah.

ALICE:
That’s where your heart is.

DUM:
And my tummy.

ALICE:
Oh. I was looking for something to do with a Heart, wasn’t I?

DUM:
Also my arms and legs hurt.

DEE:
My hands are all heavy and sad.

ALICE:
So are mine.

DUM:
You know what Tweedledoo can do?

ALICE:
No, what?

DUM:
He can go along on his bike and play his guitar at the same time.

DEE:
I can do that.

DUM:
No you can’t.

ALICE:
Boys –

DUM:
Do you remember when Tweedledoo did a massive fart and we all ran away and left it for someone to find?

DEE:
That was so funny, man.

Do you remember when we tried to teach him burping and he couldn’t even do it?

DUM:
That was awesome.

DEE:
(Burps.)
Like that and he couldn’t even do it.

DUM:
I laughed so much my hat came off.

DEE:
I laughed so much my shoes came off.

DUM:
I laughed so much my pants came off.

Not really. It was well funny, though.

ALICE:
How can you talk about it?

DUM:
What?

ALICE:
Happy things. Remembering happy things.

DUM:
What d’you mean?

ALICE:
When I think about my brother it makes me feel sick so I mostly try and think about something else.

DEE:
But you’ve got to remember the happy things. When I think about happy times it makes it like he’s still here a little bit.

DUM:
It stops me being so sad.

DEE:
Specially if I think about doing our songs with Doo when we was in our band.

Shall we show the lady?

DUM:
But Doo’s not here.

DEE:
D’you know the words?

DUM:
A bit. Do you?

DEE:
Sort of.

DUM:
Come on then.

They get ready to play.

But don’t clap till the end, alright?

ALICE:
OK.

DUM:
Ladies and ladies – the Dumdees!

DEE:
The Deedums!

DUM:
A 1-2-3-4...

TWEEDLEDUM
and
TWEEDLEDEE
play their song, though struggle to remember the words:

DUM/DEE:
(Singing.)

There was a walrus

He went a walking

He was all tusky and all husky and all grey

There was a carpenter

He was mates with the walrus

They went a-walking on the beach one lovely day

Can you remember the next bit?

There’s a bit about oysters

Something else before that duh duh duh duh duh

Now it’s the oysters

They eat the oysters

(spoken:)
Oh you divv, that’s the end what are you doing?

They asked the oysters

To come a-walking

They made them walk quite fast because they were quite fat

They had some bread with them

They had some vinegar

Oysters didn’t see what’s funny about that

La la la walking

La la la oysters

They didn’t even try to run away

Is this the bit where

They all get eaten?

For the oysters it was not a happy day

You stupid oysters

To trust a walrus

To trust a carpenter with vinegar and bread

Cause they got eaten

Yeah they got eaten UP!

And after that the oysters were all dead

(Slow right down for this – like a cadenza:.)

It was a lovely night

Down on the beach that day

Who would have thought it would have ended that way...

(all on one note:.)

What do we do now?

Go back to the beginning.

(Go back to the start and repeat...)

A courtroom has formed around
ALICE
and the
TWEEDLES
. A throne-like chair in the centre, with a witness box to one
side.

On the other side twelve chairs are arranged, and a jury of
WONDERLANDERS
(with a few lobsters mixed in.) are taking their seats.

On a small occasional table a cake stand is covered with a black cloth.

A Court
OFFICIAL
approaches to stop the
TWEEDLES
’ song.

OFFICIAL:
Come along now, pack it in – no music in court, please.

DUM:
Yeah alright alright we were going to stop anyway.

ALICE:
In
court
?

OFFICIAL:
Quiet in court!

The
WHITE RABBIT
is also there.

WHITE RABBIT:
All rise for the King and Queen!

Everyone stands up.

The
KING
and
QUEEN
process into the courtroom. The
QUEEN
takes her place on the throne, the
KING
sits at a desk to the side.

Everyone follows the
WHITE RABBIT
’s instructions:

Raise your right hand.

Make a W.

Make an L.

Do a fish.

Please be seated.

Everyone sits down.

Your majesty.

QUEEN:
Me are here today to sit in judgement upon a grave and dismaying matter. A disgraceful crime that must be investigated – and punished –
in the biggest and most public way possible. By me.

JURY MEMBER:
String him up!

QUEEN:
Off with his head! Would I settle the matter out of court, they said, save myself the upset? But I said to them, as I say to you: no way. No
settling. Me believe we owe it – we owe it to
jam
to see justice done, no matter how painful the –

The queen is almost overcome with emotion, but recovers herself.

KING:
Shall we continue this later, my dear?

QUEEN:
Bring in the criminal!

KING:
The
defendant
.

WHITE RABBIT:
Bring in the defendant!

To booing and hissing from the public gallery the
KNAVE
is brought in – handcuffed – and once he is in place, is cordoned off so that
he’s standing in a small square pen.

ALICE:
It’s him – it
was
him, I saw it. I’m a witness.

I’m right at the heart of the action. Right at the Heart. This must be the final level, this must be the thing before I get to go home, mustn’t it?

QUEEN:
Read the accusation.

The
WHITE RABBIT
stands and reads the following:

WHITE RABBIT:
The queen of Hearts, she made some tarts,

All on a summer’s day:

The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts

And took them quite away.

QUEEN:
The rotter! Jury – consider your verdict.

WHITE RABBIT:
Your majesty, there’s a lot to happen before that.

KING:
The Knave of Hearts –

QUEEN:
Or “Johnny Tart Thief”.

KNAVE:
Objection!

QUEEN:
Overspent!

Show the evidence!

The
WHITE RABBIT
whisks away the black cloth, to show a plate of tarts.

WHITE RABBIT:
The tarts, your majesty, which were retrieved from the Knave of Hearts’ knapsack.

KNAVE:
Untrue! Someone must have put them there.

QUEEN:
Cover them over. My beautiful tarts.

The
WHITE RABBIT
replaces the cloth over the tarts.

WHITE RABBIT:
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, let us now consider the evidence. Appearing for the crown, his majesty the King.

QUEEN:
All rise!

Everyone starts to stand up.

KING:
No no, my dear, not now.

Unsure what to do, everyone shufflingly sits down again.

Call the first witness!