Alice (9 page)

ALICE:
I’m so sorry.

ALICE
lifts the
FLAMINGO
to an upright position
.

FLAMINGO:
Oh yes, that’s much bet –

The
FLAMINGO
faints, going floppy in
ALICE
’s arms
.

ALICE:
Oh god, is he alright?

HEDGEHOG:
He’ll come round any minute.

The
FLAMINGO
is still
.

Any minute now...

ALICE:
Is he going to be OK to play?

COMMENTATOR 1:
The Knave now kneeling at the feet of his patron, her majesty the queen who is –

COMMENTATOR 2:
We think –

COMMENTATOR 1:
Yes yes, she’s about to give him the royal hedgehog to play with.

COMMENTATOR 2:
An honour indeed.

The
QUEEN
gives the
KING
a signal and he opens a small wooden box with a golden hedgehog inside it. He offers the hedgehog to
the
KNAVE
, who takes it and bows to the
QUEEN
. She waves, regally, then gives her husband another signal
.

KING:
Let’s play croquet!

FLAMINGO:
Come on then, let’s get on with it.

HEDGEHOG:
It’s your shot first.

ALICE
walks to the first hoop
.

COMMENTATOR 1:
Our challenger now coming to the starting position to take the first shot.

ALICE
puts her
HEDGEHOG
down on the floor
.

Let’s go in for a closer look.

The
COMMENTATORS
wheel themselves towards
ALICE
and watch her intently
.

COMMENTATOR 2:
The concentration on the challenger’s face – what must she be feeling at this moment right now?

ALICE
takes the shot, and it gets almost to the hoop
.

COMMENTATOR 1:
Not a bad shot there from the challenger, but will it be enough?

The
KNAVE
steps onto the pitch and places his hedgehog in the starting position
.

COMMENTATOR 2:
Here we go now – the Knave getting ready for the shot –

He knocks his hedgehog towards the hoop, but it seems to be going off course
.

KNAVE:
Look up there!

Everyone except
ALICE
looks up in the sky where the
KNAVE
is pointing. He runs to his hedgehog, and taps it with his foot so
that it’s going through the hoop just as everyone looks back down again
.

Sorry, thought I saw something.

COMMENTATOR 1:
Classic shot. A player at the very top of his game.

ALICE:
He was cheating!

KING:
Action replay!

Everyone goes backwards to where they were for the
KNAVE
’s shot, then he plays it in slow motion as if it had gone through the hoop perfectly.
The
QUEEN
claps with delight
.

ALICE:
That’s not what happened!

COMMENTATOR 2:
A triumphant first hoop for the Knave.

COMMENTATOR 1:
Time for the challenger’s next shot – can she get through that first hoop at last?

ALICE
hits her hedgehog and it goes through the first hoop
.

COMMENTATOR 1:
Yes, keeping herself in a steady second place, there.

ALICE:
Yeah, OK, I’m trying my best.

The
KNAVE
steps up to take his next shot. It gets a good way towards the second hoop, but doesn’t go through it
.

The
KNAVE
makes a frustrated sound and smacks his flamingo’s head on the floor. The crowd inhales sharply
.

COMMENTATOR 2:
The Knave showing some frustration there.

COMMENTATOR 1:
The point at which he’d usually call for a new –

KNAVE:
New flamingo!

COMMENTATOR 1:
Yes, he’s calling for a new flamingo now.

The
OFFICIAL
hands the
KNAVE
another flamingo and the
KNAVE
hands the
OFFICIAL
his old one
.

COMMENTATOR 2:
Let’s hope this helps him onto a happier footing.

COMMENTATOR 1:
What’s the challenger’s going to do now?

ALICE
takes her shot. It looks like it’ll go through the second hoop, but then the
KNAVE
puts down a bowl of bread and
milk at the side of the hoop, and the hedgehog goes towards that instead
.

QUEEN:
Well played!

ALICE:
That’s not fair.

ALICE
goes up to the official
.

He’s giving my hedgehog food – that’s cheating.

The
OFFICIAL
looks towards the
QUEEN
. The
QUEEN
nods to the
KING
.

KING:
Play on!

The
KNAVE
takes his shot and his hedgehog sails through the hoop
.

COMMENTATOR 1:
Beautiful.

COMMENTATOR 2:
Liquid croquet.

COMMENTATOR 1:
That’s the kind of shot that gets me out of bed in the morning, I have to say.

The
QUEEN
claps and nods to the
KING
again
.

KING:
Free shot to the Knave!

ALICE:
What? No!

COMMENTATOR 2:
A well-deserved bonus now for the Knave –

The
KNAVE
takes his free shot and his hedgehog goes towards the third hoop, but not through it
.

Not a bad shot, but not his best.

QUEEN:
Free shot to the Knave!

COMMENTATOR 2:
The queen herself calling for a free shot.

COMMENTATOR 1:
Royal prerogative in action there from croquet’s greatest fan.

The
KNAVE
hits his hedgehog and it goes through the third hoop. The
QUEEN
and the crowd all cheer.
ALICE
looks on, helpless
.

QUEEN:
Hurrah! Free shot!

The
KNAVE
hits his hedgehog towards the fourth hoop
.

Free shot!

COMMENTATOR 2:
And another free shot...

The
QUEEN
calls for as many free shots as it takes for the
KNAVE
to get his hedgehog through the fourth hoop
.

The
KNAVE
pants, showing some fatigue
.

COMMENTATOR 1:
A brilliant run for the Knave, bringing him tantalisingly close to the winner’s post.

KING:
Time Out!

COMMENTATOR 1:
The king calling time out now, giving the players a well-earned rest.

The
KNAVE
goes to sit in a chair and is surrounded by attendants who mop his brow, feed him drinks and generally gee him up
.

COMMENTATOR 2:
While we’re waiting for play to resume, why don’t we read out a few of your birthday messages?

COMMENTATOR 1:
Yes, I’ve a card here saying happy birthday Betsy from all your friends in Wonderland Border Control...

ALICE:
This is stupid – I might as well give up.

HEDGEHOG:
I’m sorry, I’m a sucker for a bit of bread and milk.

ALICE:
If he’s going to play like that, cheating all the time. I can’t beat it. And anyway, everyone wants him to win.

FLAMINGO:
No one beats the Knave of Hearts.

ALICE:
Yeah, I can see why. No one gets a fair run.

COMMENTATOR 1:
And here’s another of your messages, though I’m not sure I quite understand this one.

COMMENTATOR 2:
What does it say?

COMMENTATOR 1:
‘Alice. Alice. Alice. Has anyone seen Alice. I can’t find Alice. I’ve looked everywhere. D’you think she’s
run off somewhere? Alice. Alice.’

COMMENTATOR 2:
Seems to be for someone called Alice.

ALICE:
I’m Alice, that’s me.

COMMENTATOR 1:
Sure it makes perfect sense to someone out there.

FLAMINGO:
Who was it from?

HEDGEHOG:
Sounded a bit worried.

ALICE:
My dad – Dad? Mum? I’m here – I’m trying to get back.

If they can send a message, they must be close, mustn’t they? I must be near the end.

OK, guys. Let’s win this so I can get home.

FLAMINGO:
Win this? How can we win this? No-one beats the –

ALICE:
Yeah, you said.

But wouldn’t it be amazing if we did beat him? Why should he get away with it, playing like that? He smacked that poor flamingo’s head really hard.

FLAMINGO:
That was my cousin Harold.

ALICE:
Let’s do it for Harold.

HEDGEHOG:
But how can we do it?

ALICE:
I don’t know, but why don’t we – Give it our best shot. You just have to do the best you can with what you’ve got,
don’t you?

FLAMINGO:
My best shot...

ALICE:
Literally
your best shot. D’you want to be the kind of flamingo that just gives in when things get difficult?

FLAMINGO:
No. No, right, come on then. For Harold.

ALICE:
Roger? Who’s to say you can’t fly if you want to?

HEDGEHOG:
Yes. Yes, you’re right. I’m a champion in the making. Let’s play the game of our lives.

ALICE:
This is so massively cheesy it’s
got
to work.

KING:
Play on!

COMMENTATOR 1:
The King calling for the game to be resumed there.

COMMENTATOR 2:
If you’ve just joined us, the Knave looks to be only one shot away from a resounding victory.

COMMENTATOR 1:
One final consolation shot for the challenger first.

COMMENTATOR 2:
And there she is, flamingo at the ready – what’s that expression on her face, would you say?

COMMENTATOR 1:
If I didn’t know better I’d say it was –

COMMENTATOR 2:
Yes?

COMMENTATOR 1:
I’d say it was
determination
.

ALICE
steels herself and takes the shot
.

By sheer force of will, Roger the Hedgehog goes through the third hoop, through the fourth then turns a corner to hit the winners post. The crowd gasp in amazement
.

COMMENTATOR 2:
That’s it! That’s it! The challenger has won the match!

COMMENTATOR 1:
The Knave of Hearts
and
the laws of physics taking an absolute pasting there. What a game.

COMMENTATOR 2:
Who’d have thought at the beginning of today that by the end of today the world would look as very different as it looks now at the
end of today.

COMMENTATOR 1:
Yes indeed. A new All-Wonderland Croquet champion.

COMMENTATOR 2:
Won it fair and square.

COMMENTATOR 1:
And doesn’t the Knave of Hearts look cross about it.

The
KNAVE
storms off in a huff
.

COMMENTATOR 2:
Yes, he’ll be kicking himself tonight. The challenger now approaching the podium to receive her medal from her majesty the
queen.

COMMENTATOR 1:
A great honour for any citizen of Wonderland.

COMMENTATOR 2:
Seconds away from coming face to face with her majesty.

ALICE:
Hello.

QUEEN:
I beg your pardon.

ALICE:
Hi. I mean, here I am, so –

QUEEN:
Are you addressing me?

ALICE:
Mission accomplished, here I am. Mum.

QUEEN:
Mum?

ALICE:
OK, no, sorry – just you look a lot like my mum, so –

WHITE RABBIT:
The medal, your majesty.

The
WHITE RABBIT
hands the queen the gold winner’s medal
.

ALICE:
Hi.

WHITE RABBIT:
Hello?

The
OFFICIAL
comes over to the
WHITE RABBIT
and whispers in his ear
.

One moment.

The
WHITE RABBIT
steps away to speak to the official in private. The
QUEEN
hangs the medal around
ALICE
’s neck
.

QUEEN:
I wanted the knave to win. He’s my favourite.

ALICE:
Yeah, I’m sorry. But I needed to speak to you. And the Duchess sort of said that the only way I could do that was to play croquet and get
presented to you at the end.

QUEEN:
The Duchess said this? The Duchess?

ALICE:
I’ve done everything I was supposed to do, yeah? So now I’m ready to go back, because I think my dad is kind of worried about where I
am.

QUEEN:
The Duchess!

ALICE:
Look, I’m happy to hand the medal back and give it to the Knave if you want to for some kind of technicality because I want to go home really,
more than I wanted to win at the croquet.

QUEEN:
Give it to me, then.

ALICE
takes the medal off her neck and hands it back to the
QUEEN
.