Alice (12 page)

GRYPHON:
Bit smarter then.

MOCK TURTLE:
There were strings of twinkling lights.

GRYPHON:
I saw the Mock Turtle from across a crowded dance floor.

MOCK TURTLE:
The Cuttlefish Rumba!

GRYPHON:
Just something in the turn of her wrist, the extension of her arm, and that were it, that were me – gone!

ALICE:
And did you see him, too?

MOCK TURTLE:
He danced as if he had wings.

GRYPHON:
I was thinner back then.

MOCK TURTLE:
All I wanted was for him to come and introduce himself.

GRYPHON:
I waited for the Anchovy Quickstep.

MOCK TURTLE:
And that were it, that were me – gone!

GRYPHON:
We’ve hardly been apart since.

MOCK TURTLE:
Quickstepping all over Wonderland. But it’s all gone now!

GRYPHON:
No love, no no no – remember our song?

MOCK TURTLE:
Of course I do.

GRYPHON:
Why don’t you sing it for her?

ALICE:
No, it’s OK, I’m sure I can just imagine –

MOCK TURTLE:
If she doesn’t want to hear it –

The
GRYPHON
raises his eyebrows at
ALICE
.

ALICE:
No, please. I’d love to.

GRYPHON:
There you go love.

Just after we danced together for the first time, we were sitting over a delicious bowl of pea soup, the fairy lights all twinkling – and she started, ever so softly, to
sing:

MOCK TURTLE:
(Sings.)

Beautiful Soup, so rich and green,

Waiting in a hot tureen!

Who for such dainties would not stoop?

Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!

Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!

ALICE:
It’s a song about soup.

GRYPHON:
She sang it at our wedding, too.

MOCK TURTLE:

Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!

Beau-ootiful Soo-oop!

Soo-oop of the e-e-evening,

Beautiful, beautiful Soup!

By the end of the song, the
MOCK TURTLE
is standing up.

GRYPHON:
Beautiful, my love. Int it?

ALICE:
It’s the best song about soup I’ve ever heard.

The
MOCK TURTLE
sits down again.

MOCK TURTLE:
It were a long time ago.

GRYPHON:
We were champions, weren’t we, love?

MOCK TURTLE:
Till I lost it.

The
GRYPHON
goes behind the sofa and pulls out a number of trophies which he hands to the
MOCK TURTLE
, who hands them to
ALICE
.

GRYPHON:
Tuna Samba, Salmon Cha Cha Cha.

ALICE:
Lost what?

MOCK TURTLE:
My confidence. Left it in a dressing room once, came back couldn’t find it anywhere and that was the end of it all.

GRYPHON:
That’s when she took to wearing that thing.

Look love, Lobster Quadrille...

ALICE:
What’s a Lobster Quadrille?

GRYPHON:
The Lobster Quadrille is a stately and beautiful dance.

MOCK TURTLE:
It is very beautiful. I shall never dance it again.

ALICE:
How d’you know?

MOCK TURTLE:
I’m in constant pain. My back.

ALICE:
Is that maybe because you’ve got a tin bath strapped to you?

MOCK TURTLE:
Sorry?

ALICE:
Well that’s got to be heavy, hasn’t it? Maybe that’s what’s making your back hurt.

MOCK TURTLE:
What does she mean?

ALICE:
I mean why have you got a big tin bath strapped to you?

MOCK TURTLE:
I need it for support.

ALICE:
It’s not much support if it’s making you fall over all the time.

MOCK TURTLE:
I’m very delicate – I need protecting.

ALICE:
From what?

MOCK TURTLE:
World’s full of sharp things and germs and things that want to hurt you –

The
MOCK TURTLE
looks at the
GRYPHON
.

This is making me very upset.

ALICE:
I mean what if it’s
you
that’s holding you back – what if it’s just that funny fake shell you’re wearing? You
might find your confidence again if you took that thing off.

GRYPHON:
Now it’s not her fault she’s –

ALICE:
Why d’you let her get away with it? What if she could have been dancing all this time? All this time you’ve wasted feeling sorry for
yourselves.

The
GRYPHON
stops, nods.

MOCK TURTLE:
Why aren’t you looking after me?

GRYPHON:
You know, she might have a point, love.

ALICE:
Maybe getting a bit of exercise would make you feel better.

GRYPHON:
Bit of fresh air through your lungs.

MOCK TURTLE:
My poor lungs!

The
GRYPHON
comes close to the
MOCK TURTLE
.

GRYPHON:
Wouldn’t being able to dance again be nicer than anything? Nicer even than being poorly and being looked after? Remember what it used to
feel like?

Why don’t we try taking’t shell off, eh? See how it feels.

MOCK TURTLE:
But what if I take it off and something bad happens?

GRYPHON:
If we’re together, it doesn’t matter if something bad happens.

This girl needs us to teach her the Lobster Quadrille –

ALICE:
Oh god do I have to dance?

GRYPHON:
(To Alice.)
Please?

ALICE:
Yeah, OK.

GRYPHON:
You see? Are we going to let her learn it off someone substandard?

MOCK TURTLE:
No, you’re right, love.

GRYPHON:
Can I unstrap it, then?

MOCK TURTLE:
Yes. Gently.

The
GRYPHON
looks to
ALICE
for help, and together they undo the straps tying the bath to the
MOCK
TURTLE
’s back.

GRYPHON:
Just this last one... There.

ALICE:
Can you stand up?

They help her stand up, but she nearly overbalances.

MOCK TURTLE:
Aaahh –

GRYPHON:
Hold on to me.

She regains her balance.

MOCK TURTLE:
Yes. Yes. There we are.

GRYPHON:
(To Alice.)
Now the Lobster Quadrille starts like this –

The
MOCK TURTLE
suddenly wails.

MOCK TURTLE:
No no no, wait wait –

GRYPHON:
Oh my love, come on –

MOCK TURTLE:
No, I mean. I’m not properly dressed.

The
MOCK TURTLE
takes off her grubby housecoat to reveal a fabulous ballgown underneath.

ALICE:
Wow.

MOCK TURTLE:
Now I’m ready.

GRYPHON:
Don’t you look a picture?

(To Alice.)
Now take my hand and I’ll take the Mock Turtle’s hand and we go like this – step, step-step

Good, and again – step, step-step

MOCK TURTLE:
Fingers, darling. Think lobster.

The
MOCK TURTLE
demonstrates a hand position vaguely reminiscent of a lobster claw.

GRYPHON:
Step, step-step. Step, step-step. And then the words go –

“Will you walk a little faster?” said a whiting to a snail,

“There’s a porpoise close behind us, and he’s treading on my tail.

See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance!

They are waiting on the shingle – will you come and join the dance?

Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, will you join the dance?

Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you join the dance?

MOCK TURTLE:
Got the hang of it?

ALICE:
I think so.

GRYPHON:
And faster for the second verse:

“You can really have no notion how delightful it will be

When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea!”

But the snail replied “Too far, too far!” and gave a look askance –

Said he thanked the whiting kindly but he would not join the dance.

Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, will you join the dance?

Will you, won’t you, will you, won’t you, won’t you join the dance?

MOCK TURTLE:
And then all the lobsters join in!

The beach is filled with dancing lobsters. The
GRYPHON
and
MOCK TURTLE
lead the dance expertly, enthused by each
others’ talent.

The dance gets faster and faster and
ALICE
struggles to keep up.

As the dance ends,
ALICE
tries to get her breath back. She laughs as the
MOCK TURTLE
and
GRYPHON
dance away from her, followed by the lobsters.

ALICE
marks through the steps she’s learned, dancing on her own.

ALICE:
And one two three LOBSTER one two three PRAWN one two three CUTTLEFISH

Strictly Come Lobster. Brilliant. One two three PRAWN.

No, that’s not right – one two three PRAWN gosh it’s difficult.

She stops, thinking. Realises something.

Completely inappropriate. COMPLETELY inappropriate.

God, if my mum saw me dancing. That is totally. That is not OK. What, Joe’s dead and I’m dancing around? Idiot. God, Alice, what were you thinking?

She hears a noise approaching – the shouts of excited small children – and looks to see where the sound is coming from.

Two boys in prep school uniform (shorts, blazers and peaked caps) cycle in on small tricycles. One has a tiny guitar strapped to his back, the other an accordion.
They’re shouting their own version of ‘Cock-a-doodle-doo’.

DUM/DEE:
Tweedle-eedle-

DUM:
DUM!

DUM/DEE:
Tweedle-eedle-

DEE:
DEE!

DUM/DEE:
Tweedle-eedle-...

They both stop and look around them as if they’ve lost something.

Then they see
ALICE
.

DUM:
Look! A lady!

They cycle towards her and start going round her in circles.

DEE:
Look how fast I can go!

DUM:
Look how fast I can go!

DEE:
I can do a clap while I’m going, look –

He lifts his hands from the handlebars and claps, then puts them back very quickly.

DUM:
And we can do this, look –

They cycle towards each other, doing a high 5 as they pass each other.

BOTH:
Woo-hoo!

DEE:
And I can do a wheelie – I’m going to do one now.

He cycles to a corner, pointing diagonally towards
ALICE
.

Watch, right, watch.

He cycles towards her, then lifts the front wheel of his tricycle about 3 inches off the ground.

Woo! Look, woo!

DUM:
‘Mazin.

DEE
stops and looks at
ALICE
.

DEE:
Clap then!

ALICE
claps.

ALICE:
Yes, very good, well done.

They get off their tricycles (with a big movement, as if dismounting from a Harley Davidson) and high 5 each other again, then turn their attention back to
ALICE
.

DUM:
Watch this, right – I’m going to do my dance. Watch my dance.

DUM
does a sort-of hip-hop dance.

Check this out, right.

DEE:
Them is some killer moves!

Don’t laugh at him.

ALICE:
I’m not.

DUM:
And then I go like this –

And then it finishes like this.

And then you clap.

ALICE:
Brilliant.

ALICE
claps. The boys high 5 each other.

DEE:
Let’s show her the other one.

DUM:
Is she ready for it, though?

DEE:
D’you want to see the coolest thing you’ve ever seen?

DUM:
I don’t think she could handle it.

ALICE:
I probably could.

DEE:
OK, but don’t have a seizure or anything.

ALICE:
I won’t.

DUM:
You might.

DEE:
Ladies and Gentlemen: the Human Pyramid!

They go down on their hands and knees next to each other.

DUM:
Ta dah!

DEE:
Clap then.

ALICE:
That’s a pyramid, is it?

DUM:
What?

DEE:
Course it’s a pyramid.

ALICE:
It’s just you two kneeling down next to each other. Shouldn’t there be another person on the top?

The boys look at each other, realising.

DUM:
Oh.

DEE:
Oh yeah.

DUM:
Doesn’t do without Doo, does it?

DEE:
No can Doo.

ALICE:
Pardon?