All or Nothing (19 page)

Ben looked over at the man holding the gun, waving it around the ER. Even from a distance, Ben could tell he was high on something. He didn’t need the man to be yelling for someone to get him a fix. There was no reasoning with an addict to begin with, least of all one whose eyes were currently as large as saucers and dilated. Crazy, the man was looking and acting wildly crazy and extremely unstable.

After securing the perimeter and ushering everyone out of range, Ben inched forward, his hands in the air, and showing no signs of nervousness.

He needed to try to reach the guy, though he suspected it might be a lost cause. What he didn’t want to do was use force if he didn’t need to. There were still too many people around and the police hadn’t arrived yet. “What’s your name?” Ben asked calmly.

“What the fuck do you care? Just have one of those nurses get me some Oxi and I’ll get out of here,” he said, twisting and turning around, the gun moving unsteadily in his trembling hand.

“I really don’t care what your name is. Just trying to have a conversation. And I can do that without knowing your name.”

“Move back.” The man turned and pointed his gun at Ben. “I’ve used this before and it doesn’t bother me to use it again.”

Ben wasn’t so sure about that. He could see the safety was still on the gun, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t change at any moment. So for the time being he was staying calm and trying to get through to the addict. “Just put your gun down and let’s talk. No reason to use foul language,” Ben said, adding a grin to his calm face, slipping back into his interrogation days and trying to throw the man off as to what was really going on in his head.

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing,” Ben said, the smile gone from his face, changing his features up. “Like I said, just trying to have a conversation. Why don’t you have a seat over there by the window?”

“Why, so you can have a sniper get me? I don’t think so. I’ll stay right where I am. I want you to take your gun off right now. Lay it on the ground and slide it over here.”

“I think you’ve been watching too many crime shows. There are no snipers here,” he said, humor in his eyes, making no attempt to remove his own gun.

“Take your gun off now!”

“Don’t get trigger happy there, John.” Ben removed his gun from his shoulder strap.” I’m going to call you, John. Is that okay?”

“My name’s not John,” he snarled.

“Well, unless you tell me your name, it’s going to be John. So, John, let’s try to come to a compromise here.”

“Stop calling me John! My name’s Paul.”

That was easier than Ben thought. “Okay, Paul. Let’s compromise.” Ben had his gun in one hand, the other up in the air. He had been ever so slowly inching his way closer to Paul, who hadn’t seemed to notice the gap closing. “I took my gun off like you asked, and I’m going to lay it down on the ground. Now I want you to do something for me.”

“No compromise. You’re in no position. Slide your gun over to me right now.”

Ben used his foot and slid the gun away from Paul, in the opposite direction. “Oops, sorry, bad aim.”

He knew it would agitate Paul, but there was a reason for it. Paul didn’t need two guns and now he wouldn’t be able to notice Ben moving in closer, not with the gun out of the picture, and no reference point.

Unfortunately that was also when Paul realized the safety was still on his gun and quickly rectified that.

Ben never let on that he noticed or blinked an eye, just calmly continued on with his conversation. The police had arrived and now had their weapons aimed at Paul.

“Paul, you are outnumbered here. Just put your gun down and no one gets hurt.” Ben realized there was no way he could get to his ankle holster, not before Paul could get a shot off, at least, so that option was out.

Of course with as high as Paul was and the shaking of his hand, he would probably miss, but Ben couldn’t take that chance, not with so many other people around.

“Tell everyone to leave right now.”

“They aren’t going to leave when you have a gun pointed at me. But you should listen to me, and do what I say.”

A nurse, who obviously hadn’t been told what was going on, came in through a side door and was grabbed by Paul before she knew what happened. In the blink of an eye, the whole thing turned into a hostage situation.

Ben could have handled the situation one on one. He had it under control, but now he had to think fast. A hostage turned the tables on it.

With his arm around the nurse’s neck and the gun at her head, Paul started issuing demands. “Get me the damn drugs now, or I put a bullet in her brain. I mean it, I’ll do it.”

At this point, Ben was afraid Paul might do it. Maybe not even on purpose, but his hand was shaking and his eyes were darting all over the room. Whatever he was on, he was crashing down hard from it, making him even more unpredictable. “Listen, Paul, you are only making matters worse for yourself right now.”

Ben was about ten feet away at this point and inching in more with his eyes locked on the nurse, whose face was turning red. “Paul, you’re going to have to loosen the grip on your hostage right there. You’re choking her.”

“I don’t care. If you don’t give me what I want, she’ll have a bullet in her head anyway.”

“Please,” the nurse begged. “Let me go.”

Ben took a breath and stared right at the nurse, praying she remembered all the training he had been doing with the staff for situations just like this. He continued to engage Paul but never took his eyes off the nurse. “Paul, you’re cutting her air off right now. You need to loosen up on her throat.”

Ben hoped he was getting through to the nurse, giving off as many hints as he could, short of coming out and telling her what to do.

A loud commotion sounded by the officers, but Ben never looked over, never took his eyes off Paul or the hostage.

“Stop moving!” Paul screamed and pointed the gun at Ben.

“What are you talking about? I’m standing right here.”

Paul seemed confused, and started to look around some more, keeping the gun pointed at Ben. He would rather have it pointed at him than the hostage anyway.

“Ben,” he heard, followed by a gasp but never turned his head. Shit, Presley. How the hell did she get down here and past everyone?

When Paul turned and looked, Ben mouthed to the nurse what to do. She finally understood and nodded her head. He had only needed that split-second distraction, too bad it had to come in the form of Presley. Because now Ben’s patience was wearing thin when the next words out of Paul’s mouth were. “Is that your girlfriend?”

Ben never looked over, never blinked. “No. Just another nurse. Paul, loosen up your hold on your hostage. You’re cutting off her air.”

“Maybe I should switch hostages. That one over there seems pretty upset right now. She’s a lot hotter, too.”

That’s it.
More than enough time had passed. “Listen, Paul. Remember how I said the officers wouldn’t lower their weapons? All I have to do is tell them to fire right now. Is that what you want?” Ben said, his eyes turning deadly, enough so that Paul paused and looked at the hostage nervously.

“I don’t believe you. They wouldn’t shoot a hostage.”

“Maybe they would, maybe they wouldn’t. Do you want to take that chance?”

“What, do you think I’m stupid? They won’t do it.”

Ben thought Paul was more than stupid, but he kept that to himself. Especially since Ben was only about five feet away from Paul right now and he still didn’t seem to understand how it was happening. One more foot, that was all he needed, and the right timing from the hostage.

“Like I said, do you want to take that chance?”

Paul’s head was moving around, and back to where Presley had come in. Ben had refused to look at her or to be distracted. “Loosen your hold, Paul. Your hostage is going to pass out if you don’t.”

And just like that, the nurse went limp in Paul’s arms, pretending to faint, as she had been taught. A second later Ben lunged, knocking the gun out of Paul’s hand, hearing the break of the bone, only a moment before he slammed Paul’s head into the wall, knocking him unconscious. The police rushed forward and cuffed Paul. The nurse sat up on the floor shaking, but unharmed as Ben moved toward Presley. “What the
hell
were you thinking?”

She burst into tears and reached for him, so he pulled her forward into his arms, her body shaking uncontrollably. “He had a gun pointed at you.”

Ben never wanted to go there with anyone in his life before. Ever. But it was unavoidable right now. “It’s not the first time I’ve had a gun pointed at me, Presley.” She sobbed even louder, probably not the wisest thing for him to say, but it was the truth. “I had it under control the entire time. There was no reason for you to be worried.”

He pulled her head back, saw the tears rolling down her cheeks, her face bone white and knew she was going down for the count.

***             

“Come on, Presley. Open your eyes,” she heard Ben say. “That’s it, come on, open them up.” Slowly blinking them open, she saw Ben standing over her looking both concerned and amused.

One minute she had been watching the gun pointed at him, the next the sound of a broken bone and the man’s head hitting the wall, then Ben yelling at her and that was it. She didn’t remember anything else. “Where am I?”

“You’re on a bed in the ER.”

“What?” she shrieked and went to sit up, only he put a hand on her shoulder and held her down.

“Relax. You just passed out.”

She pushed his hand aside and sat up slowly, running her hands over him and checking him for any injuries. He looked okay, better than okay actually. Was even grinning at her, but she saw what he was trying to hide behind his grin and she wasn’t buying any of it. “Where is everyone?”

“What do you mean?”

She looked around and saw the curtains closed. For the moment they were alone, despite all the noises of the ER going on around them. “The police and everyone.”

“They’ve got Paul under watch while the doctors tend to his injuries.”

“I can’t believe you did that,” she said remembering how fast he moved, the broken bone, and knocking the man out.

He didn’t answer her, only looked at her, concerned. “Feeling better? I expected better from a nurse than to pass out over a broken wrist and head injury,” he said, adding a raise of his eyebrow.

“Stop it. Stop right this minute. Stop trying to hide everything behind a smile.”

His grin faded, replaced by annoyance. “What would you rather I show you? How pissed off I am that you interfered? That you could have gotten hurt? That you could have distracted me from doing my job and caused someone else to get hurt?”

She looked away, shamefaced, but refused to give in. “He had a gun pointed at you,” she said hiccupping, feeling the blood drain from her face again. She needed to lie back down, fearing she was going to pass out again.

“What is going on? Why do you keep passing out when you say that, or looking like you are going to pass out?”

“Nothing. Just give me a second. I need to get back to my shift.”

“No. You aren’t going back to work. I already called up and told them. I’m taking you home once you can stand. Someone is coming down with your stuff right now.”

“I’m fine, Ben,” she argued. “I just need a minute.”

“You aren’t fine. There is more going on than you’re telling me, and we’re going to get to the bottom of it. But not until we get you home.” Allison walked in with Presley’s things and handed them over to Ben. “Here, get your jacket on and let’s go. We will deal with your car tomorrow.”

“You can’t just leave, can you? Don’t you have to follow up with what happened? Let me go back to work,” she told him.

“Yes, I can just leave. Yes, I have to follow up. I will tomorrow. And, no, you can’t go back to work. Any more questions? Are you going to stand and walk out of here, or am I going to have to carry you?”

There was a look in his eyes she had never witnessed before. One she wished she would never see again. He wasn’t budging, she knew. And she knew he would indeed carry her out of there if she didn’t get up on her own. “Let’s go home.”

“Let’s go, in the house,” he ordered her, holding Presley’s arm and guiding her in.

“I’m not a child. You can let go,” she said, frustrated.

He held his tongue. It wasn’t the time to berate her. There was more going on, and he was going to find out, even if he had to push her further than she was willing to go. “Then stop acting like one.”

“Excuse me?” she said, whirling around on him after she hung up her jacket.

At the moment he would rather have her angry than upset. Maybe that was the best route to take. “I said, stop acting like a child and do what you’re told.”

She stopped and stared at him. In a flash, the anger was gone, replaced by tears and misery, and his heart broke. Things weren’t going at all the way he had hoped, but he couldn’t stop now. He was going to have to just continue and change the course as needed. “Come here, babe,” he said, pulling her in. “Just let it out.”

And she did, for a good few minutes, cried until the tears wouldn’t fall, and was hiccupping on his shoulder while he rubbed his hand up and down her back. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what is coming over me.”

“Delayed reaction. It happens.” He stepped back and led her to the couch. Sitting down, leaning against the corner and pulling her between his legs, he tugged her face against his chest, resting his chin on the top of her head. “Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in your head right now. You won’t be able to move on until you do.”

“I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know why I reacted that way.”

“Yes, you do. Take a few deep breaths. Don’t think, just say the first thing that comes to your mind,” he told her gently, soothing her as best he could.

“I thought you were going to be shot. All those guns,” she said in a rush, her breathing increasing again. He looked down, saw her face was white as a ghost and was glad she was reclining in his arms, because she looked like she was going to pass out again.

“Close your eyes, Presley. Deep breaths, in and out. Don’t pass out on me again. I’ve got you.”

A few minutes later, her breathing was nice and level again, and her eyes fluttered open. “Thanks. I should be nursing you right now, not the other way around,” she said lighthearted.

There was no humor to it though, and there wouldn’t be when Ben was done. Because she wasn’t even close to telling him what was going on, he knew. Ignoring her comment, he asked another question. “Tell me about your fear of guns, Presley. Don’t say it’s nothing. I know better than anyone, and tonight just proved it. So tell me where it comes from.”

Her breathing increased again, and she started to shake, but he kept running his hands up and down her back, trying to calm her as best he could.

“I never told you much about my childhood… ” she started to say and then stopped.

“No. And I haven’t asked. But I would like to know.” Somehow he knew all along this was related, and however she got to the point of telling him, he would let her go at her own pace.

“I was a mistake.” He stilled, but before he could say anything, she continued on. “I know that because my mother told me plenty enough times. She and my father only wanted one child. Chad. And they loved him more than anything else in the world. More than each other at times.”

She stopped and wiped away a few tears that had slipped out of her eyes. “My father never came right out and told me I was a mistake, but he never denied it either. He was nicer about it, but I knew.”

Ben didn’t know what to say to that. He couldn’t even imagine someone not wanting her. Not wanting their own child at all, but especially someone as wonderful, loving and caring as Presley.

“Chad wanted me though. He and I were close. I was always a tomboy as a kid,” she said with a faint chuckle. “I guess it’s because I wanted to be more like him, hoping maybe my parents would love me like they did him. Or at least pay attention to me. But it never happened.”

He ran his hand across her cheek. “I’m sure they loved you in their own way.”

“No, they didn’t. And I knew it. Or maybe they did, but it wasn’t the way I needed or wanted. I accepted it and moved on. After a while I didn’t care to be honest. I had Chad, and we were a team, until…”

“Until he died,” Ben finished for her.

“Yeah. Until he died.” She stopped, then pushed her head up and looked at him. “I was supposed to be with them that day. I wanted to be, and thought they were going to let me go, but in the end my father said he wanted a boys’ day out. And I wasn’t one of the boys.”

“I’m glad you weren’t with them, Presley. If you were, I may never have gotten to know you.” And love you, but he kept that part to himself. She needed to finish and that would only distract her.

“The first words out of my mother’s mouth were ‘why couldn’t it have been you?’ I was stunned. I was eleven years old, and I just found out my brother—my best friend—had died, not to mention my father. Even though he and I weren’t close, he was still my father and I loved him. And my mother said that to me.”

Unbelievable, and nothing Ben could have ever fathomed any parent telling their child. He was speechless. There was nothing he could even say that would make a difference, so he kept his mouth closed.

Presley pushed on through his silence. “It only got worse. They had to medicate her to get her through the services. My aunt—my father’s sister—came in from out of town and took care of everything. I never really knew her, had only met her a few times, but she was nice enough. She came in and took care of all the arrangements and such, but she didn’t do much for me. She didn’t have any kids and I could tell she didn’t know how to handle me. I was quiet and didn’t want to talk to anyone. I really just wanted my mother… who wanted nothing to do with me. I felt somehow she was blaming me for it all.”

“Presley, you weren’t to blame. How could it be your fault? How could you even think she blamed you for their deaths?”

“I was eleven, Ben. Lots of crazy things go through your mind at eleven. But there was no one there for me to talk to, for me to tell what I was feeling. Eventually I talked to some school counselors and they made me realize that. And it helped, but everything at home just fell apart.”

She shifted her body and snuggled in on his chest some more. “My mother couldn’t handle being alone. Being left with me. So she started to drink to get through. At first it was a few glasses at night—to help her sleep, she said. But little by little it turned into a few when she got home from work, then she needed a glass before work, to take the edge off.”

“Her illness… she was an alcoholic?” he asked, but he knew the answer.

“Yeah. It’s an illness, don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. She was a functioning one, which isn’t much different. She held down a job. She worked for a small insurance company, and the owner kept her on. I think he felt bad for her—and felt bad for me. He was nice, always sent over gifts at Christmas and for my birthday. He said he did it for all his employees, but I didn’t really believe him. I think he wanted me to have something.” She ran her hands up and down his arm, almost like she needed the contact. “Anyway, we weren’t poor. There was a life insurance policy from my father, and her job, but she just didn’t… care for me. When I was old enough, I just took over everything. I paid all the bills, cleaned the house, and cooked. I did it all. If I didn’t, it didn’t get done.”

“So you were the mother and she was the child?”

“Pretty much. You asked me once why I became a nurse and I said it seemed like the thing to do. That’s why. I had been taking care of my mom for years.”

Even though she was a child herself, but he kept those words to himself also.

“It wasn’t just the household things I took care of. She fell a lot, so I cleaned her up the best I could. She would pass out and throw up in her sleep. All those things that drunks do.”

He didn’t like where this was going, not at all. “Did she choke on her vomit and you found her that way?” he asked, but hated doing so.

“No. That isn’t what happened at all. It would have been better if that was the case, but it wasn’t.”

Presley paused and stayed quiet for a moment, and he let her. He didn’t like the feeling of the shoe getting ready to drop, but he knew it was going to. This all started out with her fear of guns.

“A few weeks after my eighteenth birthday, I came home from school. I was in college, the nursing program at the community college. Her car was in the driveway, but I didn’t really think it was so strange. It wasn’t the first time I’d come home from school and she was there. Usually drinking, or passed out, but again, no surprise.”

Ben laced his fingers through hers, felt how clammy they were and realized she was struggling again. Her breathing was choppy, and her eyes were closed, but she kept pushing on. He knew she needed to, but a part of him wanted to tell her to stop, that she didn’t need to go on, that he didn’t want to know.

“When I walked in the door she was lying on the couch. There was blood everywhere—on the couch, on the floor, probably not as much as I think, looking back, but it was a lot to me. It was a shock. I froze and stared at her body. I knew she was dead, knew she took her own life. I shouldn’t have even been surprised by it, she had been selfish for years.”

Running his hand up and down her back, he tried to comfort her as best he could but realized there wasn’t much he could do. She had come this far, and the tears were just running down her face and soaking his shirt.

“She left a note. It said ‘Presley, you’re an adult now. You don’t need me. I can’t live without them. There has been a hole in my heart from the day they died, what is one more?’ She shot herself in the chest, Ben. A bullet right through her heart. Everything she did was dramatic, even her death. But she was wrong. I had been an adult since the day my father and brother died. I stopped needing her years before, when she stopped being a mother.”

Stunned and shaken, Ben could only stay there on the couch, staring at the wall. Never in a million years did he expect to hear what she just said to him. And he didn’t know where to go from here. He only knew that he could never leave her. He never wanted to leave her.

She had to be the strongest, most beautiful, caring person in the world, and he was saddened and amazed that no one saw it or wanted her but him.