All or Nothing (21 page)

After dinner, Kaitlin pulled Presley aside away from everyone else and out of earshot. “I just want to thank you again.”

“For what?” Presley said.

“For giving Ben back to me.”

“I don’t think he went anywhere,” Presley said softly.

“Maybe not. Maybe he was just lost.”

Presley was sure Ben still was, but didn’t say anything. He was slowly finding his way, but he wasn’t there yet. She would like to take credit for some of it, only she wasn’t sure it had as much to do with her as everyone thought.

Though it felt good that people believed it did. “Maybe,” she said instead.             

“I don’t know if Ben told you or not. And maybe I shouldn’t say anything.” Kaitlin hesitated and looked across the room at Ben, who was laughing with Alec and Ryan. “But in two weeks it’s the two-year anniversary of Trent’s death. I just wanted to give you a heads up. In case he starts to… act differently.”

She hadn’t realized it was coming up. Ben never said a word. But she was glad Kaitlin did. And she was right, he was still lost, especially if he couldn’t tell her something like that. Even after everything she told him about her life and her family. “Thanks for telling me.”

“There is one more thing,” Kaitlin said, pulling Presley over and whispering. “Trent’s mother is having a memorial in Trent’s hometown. I only know because she actually extended an invitation for it to my parents. They were stunned, but Trent did visit often. Still, they aren’t going to attend, mainly because it’s too short of notice, and they felt Ben would prefer they didn’t.”

“Did Ben say if he was going?”

“Ben hasn’t said a word to my parents about it. And obviously he hasn’t to you either. They didn’t want to bring it up to him and have been nervous about it, to be honest. I think they hoped that I would talk to him since he listens to me. But frankly, I don’t think he would listen to me for this.”

“So you hoped I would talk to him?” Presley guessed.

“Yeah,” Kaitlin said sheepishly.

“I’ll let you know if I find anything out. But only if it’s okay with him for me to tell you,” she clarified.

“I expected no different,” Kaitlin said.

***

“I’m going with you to Trent’s memorial service,” Presley announced out of the blue on the drive home.

“What?” Ben asked, turning his head toward her, seeing the determination in her eyes. “What are you talking about?”

“Kaitlin told me that Patty is having a memorial service for Trent in two weeks. Why haven’t said anything to me about it?”

He shrugged. “There wasn’t anything to say. I’m not sure I’m going.”

She eyed him, not believing him. “You know. So I repeat, why didn’t you tell me about it?” She seemed to be able to see right through him. He didn’t know why he even bothered to cover it up anymore. He had been able to fool everyone else for two years, everyone but her. How she figured him out in the last few months was beyond him. Maybe that was what love was all about?

Instead he asked, “How did Kaitlin know about it?”

“She said your parents were invited. Patty called them a few weeks ago.”

Sighing deeply, Ben wasn’t surprised. Patty thrived on drama, and she would want everyone there so she could bask in it with them. She would want everyone to see her struggle, how her life was over and that she was left all alone in the world.

And she would need other people there to blame them, and for them to tell her she would be okay. Pat her on the back. He was beyond angry that she was dragging his parents into her emotional upheaval. It was bad enough she pulled him in, but his family was off limits.

“I should have guessed.” He turned his head and looked at her again. “Does she know if they’re going?” He didn’t know why his parents didn’t say anything to him about it, so he suspected they weren’t.

“No, they aren’t. They didn’t think you would want them there.”

“They thought right.”

There was at least five minutes of silence and she finally asked, “So when is your flight? I’ll try to get on the same one.”

“You aren’t going.”

“Yes, I am. I’ll just fly out without you and meet you there.”

He ground his teeth. Her stubbornness was shining through again. He tried another approach. “You don’t even know where to go.”

“I’ll ask your mom. She likes me. I bet she would tell me,” she told him with a chuckle and knowing look.

“Shit,” he muttered.

“I heard that,” she said, laughing. Then reached over and grabbed his hand that was sitting on the console between them. “Ben, I want to go.”

“I don’t want you to go.”

“Yes, you do. Why can’t you just say it?”

“Because I don’t want you there, Presley.” He didn’t want her to see any of that. To see how Patty was, to see how Patty piled the guilt and grief on him, barely more than he piled it on himself.

“You need me there, then,” she said, and then he felt her fingers tracing the ring on his right hand and was lost. Turning to look at her, he could only nod, then continued to drive them home in silence.

***

Two weeks later, on a plane bound toward a small town in Alabama, Presley looked over at Ben and asked, “Are you okay?”

“Sure,” he said simply and continued to leaf through the magazine in front of him.

“How are you doing without your gun on?”

He looked over at her sharply, obviously surprised by her question. “What do you mean?”

“Well, you couldn’t take it on the plane. Right?” He nodded, so she continued. “And I know it’s been a part of you for a long time. I was just wondering how it feels not having it on, or having it with you this weekend.”

Angling his head at her, he grinned, a secret behind his eyes, then said, “I don’t wear it all the time anymore.”

Taken back, she asked, “You don’t?” She hadn’t noticed him not wearing it. Well, that was wrong. He never wore it in the house now. Not at all. He came in her door and stored it in her bedroom. Even at his own house, the minute he got home he put it away. She thought it was for her, but maybe it wasn’t.

“No. Just at work, and out and about. But most of the time I leave it in one of our bedrooms or my SUV.”

“Like when?”

“At my parents two weeks ago. I had it in the glove compartment the entire time. My mother didn’t even ask to see it, or she would have known,” he said, laughing a little.

Presley bet his mom knew and that was why she didn’t ask, but she kept that to herself. “So are you really okay without it?”

He traced a finger along her leg, almost pacifying her like a child. “Presley, I’ve never needed it on me. It was just a habit, one that was hard to break. But it’s good. I won’t completely stop. For one, I can’t in my job, and second, I like having one with me at the very least.”

Smiling, she leaned over and gave him a kiss. She didn’t believe that he hadn’t needed it, but she let him go. If he felt like he was good, then she was more than good. She was great, and he was showing signs of being great too.

They sat there quietly for a while, then Ben reached over, took her chin in his hand and asked, “Are you sure? There is still time to back out. You can stay at the hotel if you want.”

“I’m sure,” she said. “I haven’t been needed in a long time, and I’ve missed it.” It was the truth. All those years of her mom needing her to care for her, to do everything, to be the parent and never a child, Presley had felt suffocated. She did those things, though, in hopes that her mom would love her. Love her as much as she had Chad. But it never happened.

No, all that happened was that her mother became dependent on her and never learned to depend on herself. Why should Nicole do anything for herself, if she knew Presley would do it?

But this was different. This was what she had wanted all her life. Someone she could depend on, someone who would depend on her. Helping each other through the hard times in life. Being there for each other through it all.

So even though Ben gave her a doubting look when she said she missed being needed, it was the truth. Him needing her made her feel loved. Just because he hadn’t said those three magical words to her yet, didn’t mean she didn’t feel it, didn’t mean he didn’t feel it. It just meant they were both afraid to say it.

Ben pulled the rental car to a stop outside of the cemetery. Trent hadn’t come from a very big town, and the cemetery was just another reminder of that.

There were only about twenty people milling around, looking close to his age, most likely friends of Trent’s from school. He had a feeling Patty wasn’t well liked and rubbed most people the wrong way. Those in attendance were probably there in Trent’s memory and had nothing to do with Patty.

Trent deserved better.

He let out a big sigh, turned off the car and sat there for a minute. Looking over at Presley, he saw the concern written on her face and he hated every bit of it. Unfortunately, there wasn’t anything he could do about it. She was worried about him, but she was keeping it to herself. Deep down he was glad she had pushed to come along with him. He didn’t want to be here, not one bit, but having her by his side would help, even if only a little.

“We can stay here as long as you like. It doesn’t look like many people have arrived yet.” She stopped and looked at her watch. “There is still ten minutes or so left.”

“No, I’m good. We can go. Better to get it over with,” he said grimly.

Typically he would be in uniform for a memorial service, but Patty was doing this on her own. It wasn’t a military memorial, and she wouldn’t have wanted to see Ben in uniform, he knew. It would bring up even more anger, frustration and tears. More than he could deal with, or wanted to.

The two of them made their way to the small gathering, with Patty turning in shock. He hadn’t told her he was coming. She had called a few times, but he never committed. He wasn’t lying when he told Presley he hadn’t decided, but deep down he knew he would end up here. Only because Trent warranted it.

Patty rushed forward, looking older than her fifty-two years. She’d had Trent young, and always looked much younger when he saw her, but she had aged. She looked frail, and skinnier than he remembered. Paler than he remembered, but the tears and the misery were still etched in every wrinkle she bore, piling on the guilt even deeper. “Ben,” she said on a sob. “I knew you would come. I knew you wouldn’t let me down.”

He didn’t correct her. He came for Trent. “It’s good to see you, Patty.” He leaned in and gave her a kiss on the cheek, then turned and introduced Presley.

He was totally unprepared for Patty’s look of contempt, mixed with anger, but forced any reaction from his face. Lacing his fingers through Presley’s, he walked closer to the tombstone. He hadn’t been here since they buried Trent two years ago, and the feelings of remorse, regret and bitterness inside now were no less than they were then. If possible, they might even be stronger.

“Now that Ben is here,” Patty told the priest, “you can begin.”

He wondered how long she would have waited if he didn’t show up, but then realized she probably knew he would come.

He had declined her offer to stay at the house when she called the first three times. The next three calls he stressed he wasn’t sure he could make it, but if he did it would only be for a day or so and he would find a hotel. There was no way in hell he was staying at her house. He wouldn’t subject Presley to that, and he sure the hell wouldn’t subject himself to that again.

During the brief ceremony he pushed his mind to another place. A place of happiness, and better times, times he didn’t mind remembering. Then he looked down at his ring and fought back the surging emotions and pain. An enteral pain that felt like it would never dissolve, or even diminish a little. A spike through the heart, bleeding nonstop until there was nothing.

Through it all, Presley held his hand, squeezing it reassuringly when she sensed he needed it, and he was grateful, because she was spot on almost every single time.

At one point, he glanced over and saw a tear in her eye, but he fought his from falling, along with many of the others in attendance. Patty, true to her nature, was openly sobbing, forcing the priest to speak above her.

All too soon, but not soon enough, it was over. Many walked up and said their goodbyes once again, offering support and kind memories of Trent, then slowly left. Ben stayed back, waited until everyone was gone, and then approached Patty. She hurled herself into his arms and wept even harder, forcing him to wrap his arms around her to hold her up, while looking at Presley completely lost.

She stayed in his arms for minutes, sobbing and crying, asking, “Why me? Why did he have to leave me?” until Ben thought he was going to snap. She never once said, “Why did it happen to
him
.
He
was too young to die.” No, nothing like that. It was all how it affected her, in typical Patty fashion.

It crossed his mind that Trent might actually have laughed at the situation if he were witnessing it. And that thought did cause his lips to twitch, but he quickly wiped them away with Presley eying him questioningly.

“Please come to dinner, Ben. It’s early yet, and we haven’t had time to visit.”

“Presley and I have an early flight in the morning. We were just going to grab a bite to eat and go back to the hotel. We had to leave pretty early this morning,” he tried to explain.

“Nonsense. I have plenty of food at the house. I had hoped some of Trent’s friends would have come over after, but they all had plans,” she said sarcastically. Ben would bet the only plans they had were to
not
go to her house.

Feeling hopeless and failing to come up with another excuse, he looked at Presley, caught her nod, then accepted.

***

Presley had never seen someone lose control as much as Patty had in the last several hours. She had seen children—not adults, but children—die. And the parents of those children never fell apart as badly as Patty was acting, two years later on top of it.

She knew how much it hurt to see someone you love die. To see a child die, to watch a child die, yet she always managed to pull it together and save her breakdown for when she was alone. Everyone hurt, and everyone suffered when one person fell apart as horribly as Patty. Patty didn’t seem to realize how uncomfortable she was making everyone around her.

Least of all Ben. She could see he was holding it together. Barely. He hadn’t wanted to come over after the brief ceremony, she knew. But he did it anyway. She held his right hand during the ceremony, mainly to prevent him from twisting his ring, like he always did when he was anxious. Rather when she felt his urge to do it, she squeezed his hand tighter, hoping he would realize she was there for him.

Walking back toward the living room after throwing her plate away and washing her hands, she overheard Patty. “Ben, why did he have to leave me?”

“I don’t know, Patty. Sometimes there aren’t any answers to questions.”

“But he knew I couldn’t be alone. You were supposed to watch out for him,” Patty said, crying again.

Presley fought to keep the gasp from escaping and rushing forward to defend him, but she stayed back, mostly frozen in disbelief over what Patty had just said.

Ben looked worn out and defeated. “I tried, Patty. You know I did.”

“You didn’t try hard enough. If you did, then he would be here right now. Not you, but him. And he would be here with
his
girlfriend. Not you with yours.” Her tears were rolling down her face, to the point where she was wailing at him, borderline yelling.

“It’s your fault, Ben. You promised me.” Patty slammed her hand to her chest. “I made you promise me years ago to watch out for him. You broke that promise.”

Ben stood up and took a few steps to the front door, opened it, then paused, and turned around. “I’m sorry. I wish I could go back in time and change things, but I can’t.”

Then he walked out the door, slamming it behind him to the sounds of Patty screaming, “Don’t leave me, too. Please don’t leave me, Ben.” She rushed to the door and yanked it open. Presley walked all the way into the room to see Ben nowhere to be found.

Patty shut the door and turned to see Presley standing there. “You need to go get him. Go get him back for me. Make him come back to me. He is all I have left of Trent. Go do it now,” she demanded, urgently.

Shaking her head adamantly, Presley said, “No. I’m not going to make him come back here. Not if you’re going to say those things to him again.”

“What are you talking about?”

Patty couldn’t be this naive, but apparently she was, and it disgusted Presley. “You can’t blame Ben. It’s not his fault your son died. Do you know, not once have you asked how Ben is handling things. Not once have you noticed how hard it is on
him
. They were best friends, as close to brothers as they could be, and yet you continue to rant and rave and blame him for something he had no control over.”

Patty drew herself up straight. “You have no idea what you are talking about, young lady. Ben was supposed to watch out for Trent. He promised me. I can’t be alone and Ben knew that. So did Trent, but Trent didn’t care. He was selfish and went into the Navy anyway. But I told him if he went he had to come home to me.”

“Sometimes things are beyond our control,” Presley said, not really seeing Patty, but rather her own mother. The words she wished she could have said years ago started to flow out of her mouth, angry and terse. “It’s not always all about you. There are other people in this world that are hurting too. Other people who need support and a shoulder to lean on. Not everyone can be strong for
you
. Sometimes you need to give a little to get something back,” she yelled.

Presley stopped her rant, picked up her purse next to the couch, and walked to the door. Opening it, she turned back. “I think you’ve been the selfish one all along, not your son and definitely not Ben.” Then she slammed the door.

Noticing the car still in the driveway, she figured he couldn’t have gotten far, and took off in a brisk walk toward the cemetery that was only a few blocks away.

Rounding the corner, she saw Ben sitting under a tree off to the side of Trent’s tombstone, his back to the trunk, knees drawn up, forearms casually resting on them. Her heart ached for him, for the pain he had suffered the last two years, the grief he hadn’t been able to let out, and the guilt piled on him just minutes ago.

She was about fifteen feet away when she heard him say, “How did you find me?” She hated that he heard her coming. Even from a distance with the wind blowing, there was no way he could have seen her. She came from behind him and he never even looked her way.

“I took a guess.” She walked up and sat next to him under the tree. “Are you okay?”

“You heard?”

“How could I not? She was yelling loud enough.”

He turned his head, his eyes giving off every bit of emotion he had been fighting, then looked down at his hands and started turning the ring around his finger without saying a word.

“It’s okay to cry, Ben.” She had a feeling he hadn’t shed one tear, not one in the two years since Trent’s death. She had shed plenty over the years. Even if they were in private, she still cried.

Shaking his head, he replied, “It won’t change anything. It won’t bring him back.”

“No. But it would help you let go a little. You can’t keep it all bottled up.”

“I have no problem letting go,” he said wearily.

“How’s that? No way I’ve seen,” she contradicted him.

“I run. I lift weights.” He looked her way and smiled grimly. “You seem happy enough with the results of the way I’m dealing.” Obviously trying to make her smile, commenting on how much she appreciated his body. But it wasn’t the thing to say to her at the moment. She was sick and tired of him trying to cover up everything, trying to make people think he was okay. She knew better.

Anger that she didn’t know she could feel toward him burst through. “She has no right to blame you. Don’t listen to her, Ben. It’s not your fault,” she implored him.

“You don’t know anything about it,” he said, looking off in the distance.

“Then tell me,” she demanded.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t need to relive it. And you don’t need to hear it.”

She shoved at his shoulder. That got his attention. “You
do
need to relive it. If you don’t, it will never get better. You saw me, Ben. You saw what happened to me. That was
years
of not talking about it. Years of not letting go. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.”

“Presley, you’re pushing me right now. And that’s not a good thing,” he said in warning, slowly enunciating each word.

His eyes had taken on a look she had never seen before. Cold, so cold and downright… deadly. But her emotions were running too high to heed his warning. She shoved him again, both hands to his chest this time. “It can’t always be what you want, Ben. It can’t always be all about me and nothing about you. You pushed and you shoved and you forced me to say things I never wanted to say. To feel things I never wanted to feel. You didn’t let me back down. I’m not
letting
you back down, either.”