All That Remains (2 page)

He chuckles at her inclusion of “the obvious reasons” for sex. “I wasn’t a monk, if that’s what you're asking.”

She clears her throat.

“West, you just finished telling me how much you hated being around the crowd at The Ice Shack and put down the players who used their status to get sex, but you did the same thing?”

“No. No, I didn’t do the same thing.” She raises a brow in silent challenge and West squirms in his seat. “I mean, yeah… I did sleep with my fair share of girls, but most of them were friends I partied with. There were no strings attached, no using my assumed popularity to get into some chick's pants. I could list the girls I’ve been with, and they would all tell you we’re still friends.”

“Friends with benefits, then?”

He shudders with a smile, “Seriously? How are those words coming from your mouth? You’re a doctor.”

“A doctor, West. Not a monk.” She laughs, throwing his phrase back at him.

He laughs with her. Her humor is why he finds it so easy to talk with her. She gets it in a way no other psychologist has in the years he’s been in and out of offices at his dad’s request. She doesn’t look down on him, and she doesn’t tell him he’s too young; she just gets it.

“So what does my sex life have to do with anything?” he asks after a moment.

“I’m curious how you felt about these girls. In this month since you’ve opened up to me, you have not mentioned anyone you cared about. With the exception of Jules, of course.” West watches as she flips through a few sheets on her notepad. “Did you not care for any of the girls you slept with?”

The question makes him feel like a scumbag. As if maybe he is as bad as the guys who use their status as a campus jock to rack up as many notches on their headboards as they can. It doesn’t sit well with him to think anyone would assume he is another prick looking for easy sex. It was never that way and yet, maybe it was.

“Honestly, I slept with the chicks I was friends with. The ones who knew there would be nothing between us when it was over. I didn’t do relationships. I tried once with Carley, and that was good enough. When we broke up, I decided attachments weren't for me.”

Dr. Steel’s tongue clucks again. “Until Jules.”

“Yep.”

“All right. Tell me the story. Why Jules Blacklin?”

Why, indeed!
he ponders, sinking down into the chair and stretching his legs out. “I saw her standing there that night and I fell for her. It was instant. I was gone before I opened my mouth. I’d known her most of my life; I’d watched her, knew she was with another guy even… but that night when she sat at that table and I looked up… it was over for me.”

“You fell for her before the tornado hit?”

“Yeah. In all honesty, I fell for her in the seventh grade. Maybe even before that. But when I kissed her that first time, I turned into a dumb pre-teen boy with a major hard-on and I had no idea what to do. Then my mom took a turn for the worse, and I dropped everything. Like we discussed.”

“And five years later, you’re finally sitting across from the girl you fell for once and what?” she prods lightly.

Reminiscing the last year has been a favorite, and most hated, pastime of his. So many things with Jules were perfect and worth the memories, and then there are the things he’d rather forget; the sights, sounds, and smells of the wreck that could have killed her. The very wreck that tore them apart.

“And I gave her crap and fell in love.” He smiles.

“You saved her life.” Dr. Steel points out unnecessarily.

“And she saved mine.”

She taps her pen cap to her lips once and nods. “Why do you think that? Who knows what would have happened that night?”

West shifts in his chair, looking towards the window as he gathers his thoughts. “I’m not talking about the tornado. I’m talking about life. I mean… yea, there's a chance that if I hadn’t bumped into her that night I might have run and been fine. Or I could have run and been like some of the others who weren’t lucky enough to make it. But, I’m talking about how she saved me from myself. She pulled me out of my shell.”

“That’s a lot of responsibility to place on another’s shoulders. From what I understand, you did the same for her.”

West jerks back at that. “What do you mean? Did you talk to her?”

She shakes her head, pursing her lips. “No.”

“Then, how do you… why, why would you bring her up? Who told you that?”

“West, it is my job to know all the ins and outs of what has happened in your life so I can help you. You know I’ve spoken to your brothers and father about that time. Now tell me, do you think that’s a fair assessment? You both used the other to lean on?”

He runs his palm over his face, scrubbing at his tired eyes as the memories come back to him.

I’ll be your strength,
he’d offered her at the vigil when she didn’t know how she’d get through everything.
You were my anchor,
he’d told her at the cornfield as he explained how he was able to stay so calm when they were trapped in the Grier house.

“Yeah,” he admits on a shaky breath. “We did lean on each other. We were both so scared and broken separately, but it was as if we were whole when we were together.”

“That is a lot to weight to put on a brand new love. Do you think perhaps the stress of going through the tornado propelled you two into your relationship? Your father says you jumped into things with her pretty quickly.”

“My dad worries about everything I do. Our relationship was quick, yes. We were pushed together by something crazy and scary and life changing, but that's not all there was between us. We were real. One hundred and twenty percent real, Dr. Steel. If you can’t accept that, then I’m done now.” West’s hands go up defensively before he shrugs and crosses them over his chest. There were naysayers from day one when it came to their relationship. Everyone wanted to say it was a fling, a passing phase. Jules' parents worried she was rebounding from Stuart Daniels, and West’s friends thought he was after a hot piece of action.

Dr. Steel looks up from her notes and taps the tip of the pen lightly on the paper. “I believe you, West. If it hadn’t meant anything to you, you wouldn’t be here. You walked away from her the same way you you walked away from football after your mother died. As I explained to you before, you get scared, you blame yourself, and you punish yourself. You love deeply and you don’t forgive yourself for the things that aren’t your fault. You hurt yourself thinking you’re doing the right thing, but in the end you lose out on all the good. You lose out on having the life you deserve. And then, bitterness and anger are all that remains.”

Three

West

Anger and bitterness are all that remain.

West is lying across the small dorm-like bed in his room, thinking about Dr. Steel’s comments, when a knock sounds at the door.

“Yeah?” he calls out.

A black head of hair peeks in as Dani’s long fingers wrap around the frame and push the door open. “You done with your exit interview?” she asks, slipping her willowy frame through the small crack and falling onto the bed next to him.

If it weren’t for her advice four weeks ago, he would have left Crestdale already. He would have gone back to Tyler, found Jules, and begged her for her understanding. Then, he would have probably run away and lost her again at the first sign of trouble.

“Yeah. I’m a free man.”

Dani laughs lightly and West rolls to his side to stare at his new friend. He recalls the first day he met her, walking into his first group meeting a month ago. She’d challenged everything he said about why he was at Crestdale, even before he knew her name. She’d boldly shared her external scars with him that day, and as the weeks passed, she’d shared her internal ones, as well. Her story made his look like a fairy tale, yet she never criticized him for his weakness. He would miss her more than he thought possible.

“You’re going to go straight to her, aren’t you?” Dani asks.

“Am I that obvious?”

“You’re that in love. You’re that full of regret,” she points out, kicking his leg with the toe of her sneaker.

“Dr. Steel says I should stay away from her.” West shakes his head and sits up, sliding back to lean up against the wall. “Like this is some twelve step program and seeing her will make me relapse.”

“What do you think?”

“I think -” He stops. “I’m scared as hell of what she thinks of me. What if she hates me? What if she sees me and walks away? What if she believes what everyone else does?”

Dani sits up with a deep sigh and rests her back against the wall next to West.

“So, I ask again, what do you think?”

From the moment he walked away from Jules, after an argument with her family following the wreck and the proceeding legal issues, people had been trying to insinuate that what Jules and he had was nothing more than a fling. They made it seem as if their relationship was brought on by their shared grief and the traumatic events that occurred the night of the tornado. His family attributed the fact that he never dealt with the death of his mother properly to his feelings for Jules. Psychiatrists insinuated post-traumatic stress.

“I don’t know anymore.”

“B. S.”

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t give me your lame wishy-washy answers, West Rutledge. I’ve been there. Done that. Remember?”

Dani would know
.
She’s been in and out of treatment facilities all over for years, dealing with her own demons. She never fails to call him out on it, using the easy answer to get out of a tough question. Resigning himself to telling Dani the truth, he typically holds back, even from Dr. Steel, West edges off the bed and opens the lid of a nearby box. His room is half packed; his dad will arrive in the morning to bring him home for a few days before moving him to the house he will be sharing with Carson and Mindy closer to his new school. He pulls out a thick manila envelope and hands it to Dani. The name ‘Jules’ is scratched across it in black.

“I wrote to her,” he explains when her wide eyes register the weight of the envelope. “Every night. Sometimes twice a day. I wrote her songs, letters, and rambling explanations of what I was doing here. I told her about you, about the trees in the courtyard, the posters in the counseling room. So much crap, I’m almost embarrassed by it. Almost… but not.”

“Because you love her.”

He nods. “Because I love her.”

Dani bites her top lip and her eyes shine as she turns the envelope in her hands.

“I have a favor to ask of you?” West picks up a book at the foot of the bed and drops it into the box as he speaks. “Will you hold onto those for me?”

“The letters! Why? You should give them to her. Mail them. This would show her where your heart lies, West. You could prove to her you did it all for her.”

“I want to win her back. I don’t want to show her all of that pain if I don’t have too. I want to get myself together, get started at school, and then go after her. Start fresh.”

“Do you doubt her feelings for you?”

He doesn’t waver. “Surprisingly, no.”

“I envy you,” Dani admits as she sets the letters next to her on the bed.

“Ha! You envy me? How many times have you called me out on my crap in the past few weeks? What is it you envy, exactly?”

“All of it. You’ve never faltered when it comes to how you feel about Jules. Not really. You’ve tried to throw a bunch of ‘I don’t know’ and ‘what if it wasn’t real’ crap at me, but we both know that’s exactly what it was. Crap. You’re in love with her, and you’ve made it clear that you believe she was in love you. Most days I’m still struggling to believe I deserve to live, I envy you for knowing it.”

“Dani.” West tries not to speak too harshly as he pushes her legs over and sits on the edge of the bed. He doesn’t fully understand her struggle, but he doesn’t need to.

“Sorry.” She shrugs.

“You know what? If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be here. You’re going to figure it out, too.” He stops when her knee bumps into his back. Her turns around and sees the frown that has formed upon her face.

“Why don’t I help you finish packing before we go down to dinner?” she asks, changing the subject.

They make quick work on the few things he keeps in his room and walk to dinner in silence. They sit at a round table in the cafeteria for the last time and complain about the lack of seasoning on the chicken, as usual. Dani picks at her roll, tearing small bites off and chewing them slowly as West studies her. She's too thin. Too fragile. He wonders how she's going to handle things after he leaves. He worries about her in the same way he would Mindy, or the sister he's never had.

They walk around the courtyard, under the shade of the large trees, and she grills him on football and his new school. She asks him what classes he might take first in the fall and about the new car he wants to buy.

They finally return to his room before lights out so she can grab his envelope of letters and Dani cracks, pulling West close.

“Win her back and live happily ever after for me. Okay?” she murmurs, her forehead pressing against his chest. It’s the closest physical contact they’ve ever shared. Her head leans on him and her hands grasp the sides of his shirt desperately. He rubs her thin upper arms slowly.

“You can come to our wedding,” he teases, frowning to himself when she shakes her head. “Dani, I’ll call you with my new number the moment I have it. I promise. We can talk every day if you want. My leaving doesn’t mean we can’t stay in touch.”

“You don’t have to-”

West moves her a step back. “I want to. I’m probably gonna need your help, too. You know I’m a screw up when it comes to love.”

“You’re not anymore. You know what you want now. Only now you need to go and get it,” she insists with a winsome smile.

She leaves a few minutes later with his letters in her hand, and he falls onto his bed for his last night at Crestdale. Dani's right. As he falls asleep, he can't help but smile at the realization that he's no longer scared to find Jules and win her back. Two months. He'll take July and August to train and prepare for football, get his feet back under him, and then he'll contact Jules.