All The Little Moments (14 page)

“I don’t kiss girls in bathrooms unless
I’m single.”

“Good
to know.”

Anna drew in a shuddering breath, and Lane pulled her forward. Resigning herself to the sensation, Anna buried her face in the warmth of Lane’s neck. Strong arms wrapped around her, and Anna unravelled. The sob that forced its way out of her chest was painful, as if she was parting from something. The tears came hard and fast, finally, soaking Lane’s jacket under
her cheek.

“I’m sorry.” Anna rasped the words against soft skin, hands clinging
to Lane.

Lane’s hands came up into her hair, pulling Anna tighter against her.
“I’m not.”

CHAPTER NINE

Anna Foster didn’t like to
lose control.

Growing up with a father who favoured discipline and a firm word and a mother who was loving but always bowed to her husband, Anna and her brother had been the strong ones. She liked to be the one who fixed things and people, the one who held it together while everything crumbled. It was what she knew how to do. She had held Ella and Toby as their little worlds flipped. She had held her mother while she sobbed and asked questions Anna just didn’t have the answers to. She had nodded to her dad stoically, chin up and lips pursed, instead of breaking into pieces and collapsing in a heap. Needing someone was not something
Anna did.

But Lane’s arms around her felt incredible, and letting go enough to cry was like bursting out of the water and getting air for the first time in far too long. She didn’t know how long they had stood on the sidewalk, only that eventually, Lane had murmured something, and they had started walking down the street. Arm firmly around Lane, Anna had leant her head on the taller woman’s shoulder, and the tears had just kept falling. She’d definitely opened
a floodgate.

After a short taxi ride, Anna was directed into a building that looked incredibly out of place in the modern area. They made their way inside and up the elevator to Lane’s floor, where she fluidly opened the second door on the right and ushered
Anna inside.

Curiously, Anna stared around the room while Lane took their jackets and dropped them over
the couch.

Turning on the spot, Lane gave her a bemused look. “Tears on your cheek, yet
you’re smirking?”

“Nice place.”

“Nice
place, but...?”

Her smirk strengthened, though her cheeks were still wet. “It’s incredibly…vintage.”

“Uh—I like
old stuff?”

“You’re so…sleek, and put together. I imagined you in a shiny,
modern apartment.”

Lane sat on the back of the couch, crossing her arms. “Well, I grew up with parents who treasured anything that had been owned by at least two other people before them. My father loved carpentry, and my mother liked anything my dad
fixed up.”

Glancing around again, Anna tried to ignore the slight shake in her fingers. “In retrospect, this suits you far more
than modern.”

Lane raised an eyebrow
playfully. “Mhm.”

The emotions that lingered just below the surface made being playful impossible, and fresh tears spilled down
Anna’s cheeks.

The second Lane stood, staring at her with concerned eyes, Anna shook her head, stepping back and crossing her arms across
her chest.

“Anna.” Lane’s voice was almost
a whisper.

“I…I’m sorry.” Her own voice
was hoarse.

“Please, stop
saying that.”

This time, when Lane stepped toward her, Anna didn’t match it with one step back but let her close the gap. Anna buried her head into Lane’s neck again, hands pinned between them as she fisted the cloth of Lane’s shirt. “I can’t s-stop, now that I’ve started. I don’t even feel like crying, now. It just
won’t stop.”

Lips against Anna’s ear, Lane asked, “Is this the first time
you’ve cried?”

A nod was all Anna could manage
to answer.

Lane’s grip tightened. “Then you’re definitely banned from the
sorry
word.” After a few minutes of quiet rocking, Lane finally broke the silence. “Now. Do you want to keep hugging it out or would you like to sit and stare at a movie? Or sit and talk and I can ignore the tears? Or…whatever you want
to do?”

Forehead still pressing against Lane’s shoulder, Anna drew in a shuddering breath. “Sit and talk and ignore
the tears.”

“Okay. Wine? I know we’ve had a few, but wine fits
most situations.”

“Wine, yes.”

“Right, you, sit.” A gentle push nudged Anna towards the couch and she went
without resisting.

Strangely exhausted, Anna flopped on the couch, unwinding her scarf and throwing it on top of her jacket. Wiping her cheeks, she took in another quiet, shuddering breath. She didn’t know what was wrong
with her.

Lane manoeuvred easily, pulling out a bottle of red and two glasses. She held the red up. “Do you drink red at all? I don’t have
any white.”

“I do.” Anna’s nod was accompanied by a soft,
watery smile.

After pouring them both a glass, Lane sat down next to her, mimicking Anna’s pose. They both took a sip of wine. Lane leant her elbow on the back of the couch and rested her head in her hand, looking imploringly at Anna. “How have you
not cried?”

Anna took another sip and tried to ignore the stinging way her eyes still watered. “I don’t know. I had to…my mum, she needed me. And then the kids. And then Hayley. And then I, it was like I’d stopped it so much that I couldn’t, even if I felt like I
wanted to.”

Shifting forward ever so slightly so that their knees touched, Lane put her wine down on the coffee table. She rested one hand hesitantly on Anna’s knee. “Were you close? With
your brother?”

Anna closed her eyes as if bracing herself. She nodded as she opened them slowly. “We
were. Very.”

Lane’s furrowed brow caused tears to spill over Anna’s eyes once more. She was grateful it happened without sobs, without the catching of breath. Lane didn’t move forward to comfort her, obviously honouring Anna’s instructions to ignore
the tears.

“Were you always close? Because me and my sisters fought constantly as kids. It wasn’t until we were out of high school that we started to
get along.”

“You
have sisters?”

“Yeah, two. My older sister and I get along great, but my younger sister and I argue like you wouldn’t believe. We’re too different—she’s a good
person, though.”

“I can’t imagine her being related to you and
not being.”

“I could be a
horrible person.”

Anna laughed, the noise loosening the restricted feeling in her chest. “We may not know each other very well, but I know you’re not a horrible
person, Lane.”

“So you grew up close? I don’t know if there are a lot of brothers and sisters that can say they did that and stayed
that way.”

“Jake and I…” She just wanted to be able to say his name without it making her stomach ache. “We were just, close. We moved a couple of times, and it just made us closer. We got along well, there was barely a year between us. We were kind
of inseparable.”

“Who
was older?”

“He was. Though people used to assume we
were twins.”

Lane’s hand traced patterns on Anna’s knee, but her eyes were solely focused on Anna’s face as they talked. Wine glass balanced on her thigh, Anna relaxed sideways into
the couch.

“Did he like being a
big brother?”

The question was like a punch in the gut. Despite that, Anna softened as she pondered her answer. “He did, I think. Even though we were close in age, he was protective. He punched a guy when I was sixteen for calling me
a dyke.”

“Some guy
did that?”

“Yeah. Jake heard him, grabbed his shoulder, spun him around, and clocked him in
the chin.”

Lane smirked. “I shouldn’t condone violence, but
that’s awesome.”

“Yeah, it was. Later, I told him I was one. He just said to tell him something he
didn’t know.”

“He
sounds awesome.”

“He
really was.”

“Were you close to
his wife?”

Anna glanced down. “Yeah. Sally and I got on like a house on fire. I met her when I was twenty-one, and we bonded over a mutual love of white wine and torturing Jake.” She smiled softly. “They were so in love, those two. There was no…hesitancy? No
ifs
, or
maybes
. They were just
so solid.”

“That’s
really nice.”

“It was. Jake got drunk one night after their third date and called to tell me he was going to
marry her.”

“Third date? That’s the
sex date.”

“I’m fairly certain their first was the
sex date.”

“Go Jake.” Lane sounded genuinely impressed. “Sounds like the Fosters have a way with
the ladies.”

Anna laughed again, the sound less like a choking noise, almost bordering on genuine. “I don’t know about that. But he was certain about Sally. Even while he was deployed, they
were fine.”

“He was in
the army?”

“Air Force. Over in Iraq. When Sally fell pregnant with Toby, he moved into administration. There was a near miss with an air strike, he was lucky. He told me once that he didn’t…” Anna paused and looked down at her wine, “he didn’t want to leave his kids without
their dad.”

Fingers tightening on Anna’s knee again, Lane
stayed silent.

Without looking up, Anna continued. “I wonder so many things, Lane. If he had stayed in Iraq, would they both be okay? If they had taken his stupid SUV instead of Sally’s tiny work car, would they
have survived?”

“It’s normal to do that. But being in the job you are, you know there’s no
point wondering.”

Finally dragging her eyes from her wine, Anna blinked back tears. “I know. But I can’t help it. He was so brave in Iraq. Jake survived a war, and then a drunk asshole wiped two of the most amazing people off the earth, and left two
kids orphans.”

The ticking of a clock from the mantle was overly loud as Lane seemed to not know what to say. Finally, she said, “Life’s shit. And
unfair, sometimes.”

“It is.”

“Those two kids, though? They’re lucky, they have you. It’s a shit situation, but they
have you.”

Anna swallowed heavily, eyes dropping
again. “Yeah.”

“What
is it?”

Sitting straighter, Anna closed in on herself slightly as she cradled her wine glass. “This is a crap
first date.”

Lane looked affronted. “This is
 
not 
a date. My kind of date will knock your socks off and have you throwing yourself
at me.”

In spite of herself, Anna smiled. “I believe that. Well, this is a crap first
proper conversation.”

“Shut up, Anna. There’s nothing crap about this. I’ve wanted to get to know you since you tried to kill me with a
shopping trolley.”

“Well, I’m learning you’re an exaggerator. Almost killed
you? Please.”

“Close enough. Now, don’t avoid it. What was that a minute ago? Those kids are so lucky you’re in
their lives.”

Running her fingertip around the rim of her glass was easier than responding to that. But Lane seemed determined to make
her talk.

“I didn’t want to do it.” Saying it out loud made the guilt swell up fiercely in her stomach. “I never wanted kids. Let alone someone else’s.” Her cheeks burned and Anna stared at
her fingers.

“So?”

Anna’s head whipped up. “What do you mean, so? I didn’t want to do it. I liked my life the way it was. Even now, there are days—most days—where I just want to open the door and run as far away as I can. Those kids deserve someone who wants them; they
deserve parents.”

“Anna, so what if you didn’t want to do it? You still did it. You dropped your entire life, sacrificed your girlfriend and moved cities to look after your brother’s kids. So what if you didn’t want kids? Or if you wanted to say no, at first? Look at what you’re doing, now. I just have to watch Ella for a minute to see she dotes
on you.”

Cheeks still burning, Anna stared at Lane. “Sometimes I want to run. Sometimes I’m lying there, in bed, after putting on mountains of washing of tiny children clothing, after running around after dinner and bath time. I think about how Ella barely speaks and is obviously so broken for someone so little, and how Toby is starting to forget. I think of how Ella sits on the couch and stares at the wall, not the TV. And I think about how I want my life back. It’s so selfish, but I just want my life back. I lie there and I feel like I’m going
to explode.”

“That would be the lack
of sex.”

Anna choked on a gulp of wine.
“Excuse me?”

“The need to explode? There are things you can do
about that.”

The snort that Anna gave was not attractive. “Way to ruin a
serious moment.”

“Look, of course you feel like that. You’re grieving, you’re in a new city, you’ve been dumped, and you’ve gained two kids. You’re allowed to have some feelings about that. You can be angry and resentful and hate it if you need to.” Lane tucked her fingers under Anna’s chin, tugging her head up so Anna was forced to look her in the eye. “You can feel all that. It’s allowed. But it’s what you’re doing that matters. And those kids? You love them, and you’re there for them. Even though it wasn’t what you wanted. How you feel, I’m ninety percent certain every parent on earth has felt, so I think you’re allowed to feel
it, too.”

Moving closer, Anna’s eyes fluttered closed at the last minute as she pressed her lips to Lane’s. She pulled back slightly, breath mingled between them. “You’re some kind of amazing, Lane Bishop, you
know that?”

Lane rolled her eyes. “Like you’ve implied, you barely
know me.”

“I’d
like to.”

“You would?”