All The Little Moments (35 page)

“Lane—”

“No. Don’t
do this.”

“Lane. I’m sorry.” Anna clenched her jaw. “I need to get
them back.”

“You will. You will!” Lane was almost wild eyed. “Anna, you said the lawyer thought it
sounded good.”

“He did.” She licked her lips, which were suddenly dry. “But, what about later? The other hearing? I… What about if I do get
them back?”

“Then that’s a
good thing.”

“But then, the other hearing. Proving I should
have them.”

“What?”

There were no words to explain it. She could barely explain it to herself. “I think this was too soon, for the kids. For me, with the kids. I need to focus, on them.”

Mouth open, as if she couldn’t believe what she was hearing, Lane shook her
head again.

“Lane...I think—”

“You can’t even say it,”
Lane flared.

With a deep breath, Anna closed her eyes and took another. Before she wasn’t able to say it, she let the words spill quickly. “I think we need to stop seeing
each other.”

Opening her eyes, Anna wished she hadn’t. Lane’s lips were pursed, tears tracked down her cheeks unchecked. “Anna...” She whispered it, her voice cracking over
the word.

How had she managed to say it? “Lane…you, you are so amazing. But I just—with the kids, I’m
so confused...”

Lane shook her head. “No. No. Don’t do that, Anna. Don’t tell me I’m amazing after
ending this.”

“The kids.”

Lane shut
her mouth.

Both were at a loss, with no idea how to
fix it.

Anna’s phone buzzed on the wood of her desk, and they both glanced to it. Anna picked it
up. Kym.

Red or white? Hell, I’ll bring both. See you
at six.

Clenching her jaw, Anna looked back
to Lane.

“Do you mean
this, Anna?”

Anna, despite herself, said, “I do.” She swallowed hard. “I have to get them back. I have to focus,
on that.”

Swiping angrily at her cheeks, Lane nodded. “Then you need to walk out of here, because I can’t walk away
from you.”

The order was almost too much. Anna’s urge to close the gap between them and kiss Lane waged war with her stubborn thought that this was what was best. With sheer determination, she grabbed her phone, slid it into her pocket, pulled her bag onto her shoulder and walked forward. When she was next to Lane, shoulders touching, facing opposite ways, Anna paused. Lane’s scent washed over her, and her eyes closed briefly as she selfishly enjoyed it. She turned her head to look at her
in profile.

“Lane.” Her voice was
a whisper.

Lane turned her head, and Anna almost didn’t leave as she took in the utterly broken look on her face. Anna’s voice cracked. “I am so,
so sorry.”

The tears on Lane’s cheeks belied her single, perfunctory nod. Anna finally broke eye contact, finger barely stroking the back of Lane’s hand before she stepped forward, pulled open the door and walked out. She let a slow breath out from between her lips as she let the door shut behind her, walking away from the sob she heard come from the
other side.

Her fingers shook, and she gave up trying to do up the buttons on
her jacket.

It wasn’t until she reached her car that the sob in her own throat burst out. In the empty car park, hand on her door handle, she squatted slowly to her knees, forehead falling against the
cool metal.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

“Okay. So. Recap, Anna. The
lawyer’s went as well as it could; you still don’t know for sure, but he’s optimistic.” At Anna’s nod, Kym continued, leaning back on the couch and lifting her feet up onto the coffee table. “The kids are okay, we had that confirmed today. You will find out tomorrow if you can see them, but for now,
they’re okay.”

Anna nodded again, staring at the empty wine bottle next to
Kym’s feet.

“Hayley was pleasant on the phone, but nothing happened to stress
you out.”

Another nod.

“And we’ve finished a bottle of wine, and you have just finished telling
me this.”

Anna nodded a third time, this time taking a sip of
her wine.

“Right. So what
the fuck?”

Surprised out of her stare, Anna blinked owlishly at
Kym. “What?”

“Exactly—what? Things are shit, they’re really, really shit, and they took the kids. I’m not disputing that at all. But why do you look ten times more messed up than this morning? Not that that’s not okay, you can lose your shit. But I thought the stunt with the book last night was you
doing that.”

“It was.”

“All right. So why? Why the red eyes when you opened the door? Why did I have to prod you to talk? Why are you clutching your wine glass like a lifeline? And why do you smell like cigarettes?” Kym sat back up. “And
where
 
is Lane? All she did all morning was ask me if I thought it was a good idea if she messaged you, and if I thought you were okay, and did I think she could fake the Ebola virus to get out of work?
So—what happened?”

Swallowing, Anna finally said it: “I-I, uh, broke up
with Lane.”

Kym’s mouth fell open slightly, and she stared at Anna, who simply looked back. Her mouth closed, then opened again. Finally she spoke.
“You what?”

Anna didn’t want to repeat it. Tears were pricking her eyes, and she really didn’t want to lose it again. She looked back to the
wine bottle.

“Okay.” The word dragged out, as if Kym wasn’t sure where to go with that information. “Okay.” She approached the next question like she would approach a wild bear. “Do you mind me
asking why?”

The wine glass trembled in Anna’s hand and she tried to avoid Kym’s wide, sympathetic eyes. She heard the rustling of Kym leaning forward, then felt a hand resting on
her forearm.

“I have to get those kids back.” Anna’s breath came out slow and shaky, as she finally allowed her gaze to fall upon
Kym again.

All Kym did was
watch her.

“I do, Kym. I have to.” Her voice was hoarse. “And Lane is just,
 
fuck.
” A tear fell down Anna’s cheek, and she wiped it away with a forceful stroke of her hand. “Lane is just, amazing. She is patient and kind and loves the kids, and I think she loves me. I had to
end it.”

“Why? Why did you have to
end it?”

“Did you not hear the explanation of why Cathy filed the charges? If I hadn’t been in a relationship, if I was more focused on the kids, this may not
have happened.”

Letting go of Anna’s arm, Kym grabbed the second bottle of wine and poured them both another glass. “Anna, you are so focused on those kids. You’re allowed to date, too. All parents are allowed
to date.”

“I know that! It’s just…It was too soon, after everything. I’m all for parents dating. I in no way believe parents’ lives should end just because they
have kids.”

“Okay, good.”

“But it was clearly too soon. Everything has still been so raw. And if,
 
if,
 
I get them back at the
temporary hearing—”

“You will.”

“
If 
I do, what’s to secure me getting them at the final hearing? Cathy has petitioned the court for custody as well. With this on my record, it may fuck it all up. If I’m having some frivolous relationship, appearing like I’m putting my own needs over the kids, why wouldn’t they give them to stable, married Cathy who wants them?” Anna could feel the flush on her cheeks as she looked at Kym, begging for
an answer.

“I can see where you’re coming from.” Kym spoke slowly. “But, it’s not a frivolous relationship,
is it?”

“No.”

“What’s wrong with two kids seeing their caregiver in a solid, meaningful relationship?”

“Kym, you’re missing the point. It’s too soon, it’s messed the guardianship up. My brother, he wanted those kids with
 
me
. And now they’re in foster care.” She looked at Kym. “They’re in
 
foster
 
care and I just, God, I
miss them.”

Putting her glass down, Kym pulled Anna against her, and Anna let herself be wrapped up in the comfort of
her friend.

“I know you
do, sweetie.”

“And I
miss Lane.”

Kym sighed. “This is
 
so
 
fucked up.”

“It
really is.”

“So, I kind of wish Cathy would burst through the door and see this. Then you’ll really be labelled a
giant ho.”

This time, her laugh was genuine, the sound bubbling out of her. “She’s probably parked in the bushes with a zoom lens. Come the hearing, she’ll put in photos as evidence.” Anna sat up, wiping her eyes and topping up her glass again, along
with Kym’s.

“She will. Because you know, you lesbians, you’re all sleeping
with everyone.”

Anna managed a watery smile. “Oh, yeah. The cafeteria lady, the chick in the grocery store, everyone.” Clutching her glass, Anna gave a weak wiggle of her eyebrows. “Even
 
you
 
apparently.”

“Oh, you would be so lucky.” She reciprocated, wriggling her brows up and down lecherously, but Anna’s smile didn’t
last long.

“This is not
fair, Kym.”

Both of them looked around the living room, which was filled with Ella’s DVDs, Toby’s blocks, their toys scattered everywhere. A room the both of them, Lane, and the kids had all half lived in the last
several weeks.

Kym sighed. “It’s
really not.”

Waking up at eight with a sore head and a heavy heart, Anna called her boss on Monday morning to explain what had happened with
the kids.

He sounded more outraged and shocked than she’d expected. McDermott told her to take the day if she needed, to let him know when the trial would be, when she’d need to see the lawyer, and he’d have her covered. He told her that he’d testify until he was blue in the face that Anna had only taken the job on the condition that she be able to be home in the evenings and on weekends when able, especially the first year, when they were all still adjusting. He said he had her work-hour statistics and that he’d compare her time spent at work
to others.

Slightly impressed, she said she was calling child protective services that morning, and, if she was able to see the kids, she would take the day, but, if she couldn’t, she would come in after for the distraction. She also let him know that Scott Matthews would be in touch about a character reference and that she was incredibly grateful he had
her back.

The second she hung up and had nothing to occupy her thoughts, a heaviness settled
over her.

She wanted to call Lane. She just wanted to talk
to her.

But she couldn’t talk to Lane, because she had broken up with her. The silent house was enough to remind her of why. But, God, she needed more of a reminder, because, right now, she wanted Lane. Resolved not to dwell on that feeling, Anna stood up out of bed, grabbed her phone, and pulled a
hoodie on.

The house was too still, too quiet. She wanted to feel Toby’s chubby little toddler arms wrap around her neck as she lifted him out of his cot. She wanted to hear Ella recount her day, sharing details that were so big and important when you were six and-a-half. Anna wanted to yell for Ella to not run down the stairs, or to have to deal with one of Toby’s tantrums, or to try and pry Ella back into the world when she
looked lost.

She just wanted the kids back in
the house.

After wrestling so hard with the idea of having them in her life, now she was up for the biggest fight of her life to get them back. Anna needed to remind herself of that when her stomach felt hollow at the knowledge that she’d ended the relationship of
her dreams.

Lane’s words
—
then you need to walk out of here, because I can’t walk away from you
—
just needed to stop playing around and around in
her head.

In the kitchen, Anna started the coffee machine and quickly downed a glass of water with some aspirin. She winced at the smell of nicotine on her fingers. She was really not doing a good job of appearing like a healthy, well-put-together person who deserved to raise her brother’s children. Leaning against the kitchen bench while the smell of coffee started to waft around her, Anna scrolled through her contacts until she found Lorna’s office number and
hit
send
.

When it rang to a voicemail service informing her that the office opened at nine, Anna slammed her phone onto the bench and glared at it. She was going to go insane without answers soon. If she could just see them, reassure Ella, cuddle Toby, she’d be calmer. She’d be able to focus on
the trial.

For a moment, Anna considered calling Scott to find out if he had a date for the trial yet. Frustration bit at her when she remembered it was early and he also wouldn’t be in. Plus, he’d said he’d be in contact that evening with the information. She couldn’t just keep calling everyone every
ten minutes.

She poured a coffee, grabbed her phone and went to sit outside on the back porch step, purposely leaving her
cigarettes inside.

She felt hopeless. There was nothing she could do to speed this process up. Grabbing her phone, she dialled Lorna again, just in case she was in. It went to voicemail, and Anna left a short message to say she’d appreciate it if Lorna could get back to her as soon
as possible.

The chilly morning air made her shiver as her coffee steamed on
the step.

It really was
too quiet.

God, what if she didn’t get
them back?

Her phone rang, and Anna almost dropped it in her haste to answer. “Hello?”

“Hi, sweetie.”

“Oh.
Mum, hey.”

“Expecting Lorna?”

“I just tried calling; they don’t open
until nine.”

“Oh.” Sandra sounded as disappointed as Anna felt. “I was calling for an update. I know we only spoke yesterday evening,
but, well...”

“I get it. I’ll let you know as soon as I
know anything.”

They chatted briefly, Anna avoiding any questions about Lane, not wanting to tell her mother just yet. After hanging up, Anna took long sips of her coffee and waited. At ten to nine, she called Lorna again, left another voicemail. Anna almost hoped they’d annoy the woman. Let them question her commitment to
the kids.

At six to nine, she called again and left another
brief message.

At nine, she called and
hung up.

At six past nine, her phone rang, and, this time, she actually did drop her coffee mug in the rush to answer
it. “Hello?”

“Anna. Hi,
it’s Lorna.”

“Hi, I’ve been trying to
reach you.”

The woman’s voice was almost amused. “I know, I got
your messages.”

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be, it’s fine. First things first, I spoke to the foster family with Toby and Ella on the way to work this morning, and they’re
doing fine.”

Anna felt the breath knocked out of her. The relief she felt each time someone told her that, even if she didn’t get to see them herself, was palpable. “Good.” Her voice cracked. “Ella can go quiet. And not eat sometimes. And Toby, he just gets a little clingy—” She
broke off.

“They’re being well looked after, Anna. I am sorry about this.” Lorna’s voice
was soft.

“Can I
see them?”

There was silence for a minute and Anna’s
stomach dropped.

“I’m sorry, Anna. You won’t be able to see them today. There’s a lot of protocol in setting this up. And, uh, I may not be able to get you in to see them
at all.”