Always in My Heart (16 page)

How had all of them forgotten the cookies? A game of Twister and they had lost their minds.

They’d been having fun. The kind of fun families have together.

Yet they weren’t a family. The thought made Callie’s throat constrict, and she swallowed at the painful lump. She kept telling herself that she wasn’t going to think about the past. She wasn’t going to let herself regret what she couldn’t change. But it was becoming harder and harder. Because sometimes, looking at Nigel with his son and seeing how completely intuitive and fantastic he was at being a father, she couldn’t help but wonder what it would have been like to be with him all these years.

Kwame would have definitely benefited from having his father around, she knew that much.

“Darn it,” Callie muttered as she dumped the hot cookie tray in the sink.

“It’s okay, Mom,” Kwame said, slipping his arms around her waist.

Callie looked at her son, noting not for the first time that he seemed far happier. In the past, he might fuss over burnt cookies, but now he was taking the mishap in stride.

“Do you still have more cookie dough?” Nigel asked.

Callie shook her head. “That was all of it.”

“I can head out to the store, pick up more.”

That was something a husband would offer to do… . “No need,” Callie said. “There’s always tomorrow.”

Kwame left Callie’s side and went to Nigel’s. “I love you, Dad,” he said, out of the blue. “And I love being here with you, and with Mom.”

Callie wanted to caution Kwame to not get his hopes too high, but what could she say? That he shouldn’t feel what he was feeling? Even she was enjoying spending this time as a family.

“I love having you here too, bud,” Nigel said.

Kwame beamed. “Can we play the Xbox now?”

“Sure we can.”

“Awesome!” Kwame bounded out of the kitchen.

Callie blew out a huff of air. “He’s full of energy, I tell you. If I could bottle it, I’d make billions.”

“I think it’s great.”

A beat passed. Then Callie said, “If I didn’t say so before, I want you to know that I appreciate you taking time off of work for Kwame. He’s having a wonderful time with you. And he’s thriving in a way he hasn’t before. He seems far more relaxed, confident and happy.”

“You don’t have to thank me. Spending time with him is important to me, too.”

“I know, but still.”

“He’s a great kid,” Nigel said, a smile touching his lips. “You’ve obviously done a great job raising him, which is where his confidence and happiness come from.” He held her gaze before saying, “I’m glad he’s mine, Callie. And I’m not just saying that. I’m proud to call him my son.”

Emotion washed over Callie, both sweet and bitter. Because the last thing Nigel needed to do was give her a compliment on her parenting, considering she had left him out of his son’s life.

And as she stared at him, she thought again of what her sisters had said. That a love like what she’d shared with Nigel didn’t simply die.

“Thank you,” Callie said softly.

And the bitter feeling ebbed away, replaced by an emotion that felt a lot like love.

Chapter 16

“L
ook at them,” Callie said, gesturing to Kwame and his new friend Nathan as they frolicked in the pool. She and Nigel were sitting at the patio table, keeping watch. “Kwame’s having the time of his life.”

“Marry me.”

Callie jerked her gaze from her son and gaped at Nigel. “W-what?”

“Marry me, Callie.”

Callie simply stared at Nigel, not believing his words. This was coming out of left field. “You want to
marry
me?”

“You said yourself that Kwame is thriving being here with me. And you heard what he said last night—he said he’s happy to have both of his parents in his life. It hit me last night that you could be heading back to Florida at any time, and I have to tell you, I’m not thrilled about the idea that you’ll leave and I’ll get to see Kwame only some of the time. I’ve already missed out on nine years.”

Callie had always hoped that when a man proposed to her, it would be because he was crazy in love with her. But what Nigel was suggesting was a union so that they could give Kwame a traditional family.

Nigel added, “You say you came back to do the right thing. And now that I’ve gotten used to the fact that I’m a father, I can tell that Kwame needs me. You leave and head back to Florida, and who knows how that will affect him? Do you have any idea how much more often young kids out on the street who don’t have fathers get into trouble?”

“I’m very aware of that,” Callie said.

“Kwame’s a great kid,” Nigel continued. “But even great boys get into trouble without positive male role models. He needs me in his life. And I need him.”

What Nigel
wasn’t
saying was making all the difference. He wasn’t telling Callie that he needed
her
.

“I understand that you want to be a permanent part of Kwame’s life, and I won’t keep you from him. But—”

“Don’t deny me. Don’t deny me this, the right to be a father in my son’s life.”

Callie waited. Waited for any indication that his marriage proposal was about her. But he said nothing else.

And Callie’s heart deflated. Because somewhere along the way, her feelings for Nigel had resurfaced. Oh, it was glaringly clear that they’d never died. She had run to escape them, but being near him again, living with him, she was unable to forget the feelings she’d repressed.

There was a time when Callie would have relished the idea of marrying Nigel. But to know that he was proposing simply because of a sense of duty…could she really marry him?

Callie knew she’d screwed things up, but at the end of the day, when she got married, she wanted it to be because she loved someone and he loved her back.

“I think there’s a way we can work something out,” Callie said. “I never saw myself coming back to Cleveland, but maybe that’s what I have to do. I can apply for job here, get a place—”

“Marriage,” Nigel said, leaving no room for the discussion of anything less.

Callie’s rational brain told her that she owed it to him to seriously consider marriage, given that she’d kept him out of Kwame’s life. But she said, “That’s a big step.”

“Maybe things in my life happened for a reason,” Nigel said, glancing away briefly. “Two years ago, I was supposed to get married. But Angie, my fiancée, got cold feet. She suddenly didn’t want to be tied down. And she was also terrified about the fact that she was marrying a police officer. She was scared that being the wife of a cop meant having to wait by the phone every time I was at work. She told me more than once that she couldn’t deal with getting that dreaded call. So it didn’t work out.”

“You were engaged?” Callie asked, her heart beating a little faster. She didn’t know why she was surprised by that fact. Nigel was a good-looking man, and a great catch. Certainly he could’ve been married by now and the father of other children.

Indeed, that had been a part of Callie’s fear over the years when she had thought of him, wondered if she should let him know that he was a father. In part, she had dismissed the thought because she didn’t want to disrupt the life he might have had with another woman.

“We dated for a year and a half before we got engaged.”

“And she called it off because she was afraid?”

“Seems like a pattern in my life,” Nigel said, giving her a pointed look.

“I just mean…maybe she’ll be back.”

“She won’t be back. She got engaged to someone else six months after we broke up.”

“Oh.” Why did that make Callie feel better?

Though she couldn’t help wondering how deeply Nigel had loved this woman. As much as he had loved her?

“Anyway, I didn’t see at the time that it was a blessing for us to go our separate ways, but now that you’re back, and I’m a father…I think getting married is the right thing to do.”

Right thing to do
…
.
It couldn’t be clearer that his proposal had nothing to do with love.

And here she had foolishly begun to hope, in part because of the definite chemistry she had felt with Nigel, and in part because her sisters had let her know how much Nigel had been crushed by her leaving. Then, all Deanna’s and Natalie’s talk about a love like what she’d had with Nigel never dying… .

Obviously, it
had
died. And Callie knew that she was entirely to blame.

“Callie?” Nigel prompted.

“I don’t know what to say,” Callie said. “All I can tell you is that I’ll think about it.”

* * *

Callie’s rejection of his proposal was all that Nigel could think about later that day. She and Kwame went to visit extended family for a cookout, and Nigel had opted to stay home. He hadn’t been in the mood to make nice with anyone, not when his conversation with Callie had him in a funk.

Nigel could tell that Callie had wanted more of him, more of a proposal, and for that reason, he knew he shouldn’t be unhappy that she hadn’t been jumping up and down with excitement. Nigel had wanted nothing more than a real marriage with Callie—ten years ago. But a lot had changed in ten years.

The one thing that
hadn’t
changed was the fact that he still had feelings for her. That was obvious every time he looked at her, touched her, and God help him, whenever he kissed her. But Nigel couldn’t allow himself to be the same kind of fool he’d been ten years earlier.

It wasn’t that he wanted a marriage to Callie to be in name only forever. He did want to grow to love her again, to trust her again, and be a family in the true sense of the word. But at this point, he couldn’t simply allow her to have his whole heart, not after what she’d done with it the first time around.

The fact that he was even willing to marry her should tell her that on some level he was trying to work toward forgiving her.

He had heard Callie and Kwame as they got home late in the evening, but Nigel had stayed in his room, not wanting to face her. Now, however, just after one in the morning, Nigel found himself getting out of his bed and heading to Kwame’s room to check on him.

His son was sleeping peacefully, the sound of his heavy breathing filling the room. How quickly Nigel had gotten used to living with Kwame and having him be a part of his life. After only a few short weeks, it was clear that he did not want to have to go back to the status quo. He wanted Kwame in his life, and Kwame had totally accepted that.

Kids were amazing that way. They could forgive easily, accept easily. And Kwame had accepted him as his father without any hesitation.

Nigel paused outside Callie’s door. The one downside to their living together was that he often thought about entering her room in the middle of the night and making love to her. And tonight, perhaps because of her rejection, he craved her body against his.

But Nigel continued back to his own room. He wasn’t stupid. The more he engaged in physical intimacy with Callie, the more he lost his heart to her. And he wouldn’t give his heart to her again…not yet. Because despite what his heart and body might feel for her, he had no idea if she had resolved her deep-seated issues from years ago that had caused her to run in the first place.

Nigel had just crawled back under his covers when he heard a soft knock at his door. Callie? It had to be her, not Kwame.

At one in the morning, what could she want? Had she heard him outside her door?

Nigel got up from the bed, crossed the room to the door and opened it. Callie stood there, looking up at him with a vulnerable expression. She was wearing an oversized T-shirt and nothing else. Nigel’s gaze couldn’t help wandering to her bare legs.

A part of him wanted to take her in his arms and never let her go. He couldn’t deny that ever since she had come back into his life, some of what he felt for her in the past had come back full force.

“Yes?” he said.

Callie’s eyes wandered over his body, over his bare chest and to his thighs. Dressed for bed, he was wearing only boxers.

Her gaze left him feeling hot and bothered.

“I was thinking about what you said,” Callie said. “That we should get married.”

* * *

She had thought all evening about his suggestion. That was how she saw it, because she didn’t consider it a proposal. She was willing to atone for her sins in the most sincere way, and if that meant that she had to uproot her life to make it up to Nigel, she would.

“I agree with you,” Callie went on. “It’s in Kwame’s best interest to be able to spend quality time with you, to have you in his life on more than a part-time basis.”

“Good.”

Callie’s eyes swept over Nigel again. Damn, he was looking especially tempting. Standing there wearing only his boxers, all she could think about was when they’d made love…and that she wanted to do it again.

“I—I came here to talk a bit more about your suggestion.”

“At one-twenty in the morning?”

She nodded, though that wasn’t entirely true. She had heard him in the hallway, and ever since yesterday when he’d straddled her as he’d tickled her, Callie had been aroused, ready to make love to him. But his marriage proposal had thrown her for a loop, and she had come to his room to tell Nigel that if he didn’t want to marry her for the right reasons, she couldn’t go through with it.

Instead, all she could think about right now was getting naked.

“Are you saying you’ve made your decision?” Nigel asked her.

So dispassionate,
Callie thought. Did he feel nothing for her? Was there nothing inside him that remembered the fire they generated when they got together? And not just the physical fire. That was a given. But the fierce emotional connection they’d shared.

Suddenly, she had to know. She had to know if what they had shared before still existed for him.

She had fallen into bed with him, but that had been a moment of need. She’d been vulnerable when she had run off in the rain, and Nigel had reacted instinctively. The same way he had in the past. Protecting her.

Tonight, she wanted to see if there was still something between them beyond the physical. She had definitely felt a growing emotional connection ever since the first time they’d made love after all those years. Not only had Nigel made love to her with the kind of passion that made her believe he had to care, he had gone out of his way to look into her mother’s disappearance. Surely he still cared for her.

Callie wanted to believe that Nigel cared, but the truth was that men were different than women. They could have sex without any emotion.

“Callie?” Nigel said.

“Tell me you feel nothing for me,” she found herself saying.

Nigel’s eyes widened in surprise. She took a step toward him, closing the distance between them. She placed her hands on his naked chest, and felt that familiar physical charge. His strong pecs, those washboard abs—he was a magnificent specimen. He always had been.

“What are you doing?”

“You say you want to marry me. In name only? Or more than that?”

She didn’t allow him to answer. Instead, she slid her arms and hands up his chest and around his neck. She had taken her sling off two days ago, ready to be done with it, and it felt good to press her body against Nigel’s without restrictions.

She tipped herself onto her toes and leaned into him. Her need to taste this man once more was overpowering. She was aware that Nigel’s lips parted, and she took the opportunity to put her mouth on his.

She sighed with pleasure as he enveloped her completely. This was real. For her, these feelings had never died. Her feelings for Nigel were as intense as before. Her body and his body together equaled magic.

His lips began to respond, mating with hers in a dance as old as time. And when his hands gently framed her face—oh, how his touch thrilled her—she purred into his mouth.

He groaned and deepened the kiss, delving his tongue into her mouth with broad strokes. It swept over hers, eliciting even more delicious sensations within her. The kiss picked up speed, becoming more urgent with each passing second. She wanted this more than she had wanted anything.

She dragged her fingernails down his back, knowing that she was being perhaps a little too rough but not able to stop herself. She would physically embed herself with him, meld their bodies together for all time if she could. Nigel had always made her feel complete in a way that she had never felt since.