Always Know What to Say - Easy Ways to Approach and Talk to Anyone (4 page)

You've done the most difficult part; you have started a conversation and you have got some response from the person you are talking to. That is not the end of the need for questions within the conversation though. A conversation needs to be a bit like a tennis match, where exchanges go to and fro like the tennis ball in a rally.

You need questions to keep a conversation going. Questions help to progress the conversation and allow you to find out more about someone; they make it possible to gain understanding. And questions work well to bring in quiet people, to keep a lively conversation flowing and to include everyone.

Questions to Progress a Conversation:

These questions help the conversation along by relating to what you have been talking about and taking it to a greater depth. The question should be easy to answer, include everyone and not cause offense to anyone. Some examples would be:

If talking about sport:

1. What did you think of their last game?

This is particularly useful when you have established a mutual liking for a sport with the person that you are talking to. Perhaps you have even discovered that you both support the same team.

2. What do you think of their chances of winning this season?

Again, this is great if you like the same sports and at least know which team(s) you are talking about.

3. Have you got membership of a club or a gym?

This shouldn't seem like you are suggesting they need one, but if you have discovered a mutual interest in keeping fit or saunas or something like that, you may find you belong to the same health club; or perhaps if you don't you could progress the friendship by taking up a club membership together so that you will meet regularly doing something you both enjoy.

4. What sports do you like to take part in as well as watch?

This question is useful because you react quite differently to sports as a participant rather than simply a spectator.

If talking about pets:

1. Have you ever entered a pet show?

This is useful if the person you are talking to seems particularly proud of their dog, cat , etc. You can then go on to chat about the experience of participating in these shows or preparing the pet for it. It may even lead to some humorous stories along the way.

2. Why did you choose that particular breed?

People will love the chance to reveal the wonders of their particular chosen breed of pet.

3. Was your pet easy to train?

Again, this can lead to funny stories if you find that they have trained their pet in some way; it could be as simple as house-training; it doesn't have to involve elaborate circus tricks.

If talking about fashion:

1. Have you got a favorite perfume that you tend to buy?

2. What's your favorite clothes store?

3. Which celebrity's fashion style do you like?

4. Have you got a favorite item of clothing
that makes you feel really good when you wear it?

Fashion works well as a topic for women especially. It can lead on to talk of celebrities and/or embarrassing fashion mistakes. It should be lighthearted and you may also find out you like the same celebrities which can lead on to a discussion of their art form or sport.

Talking about children:

People love to talk about their children. You'll find this an easy one if you discover the other person has children.

1. What hobbies do they have?

2. Do they get on well with each other?

3. Which school do they go to?

Talking about food:

None of us can live without food and for most of us it is a real pleasure which will remind you of happy times.

1. What is your favorite meal?

2. Do you have a favorite restaurant?

3. What style of cooking do you like the most?

4. Do you have any favorite recipes?

You will see that some of these questions are closed questions which, strictly speaking, could be answered with a one word 'yes' or 'no' answer; but realistically, because the topics are easy and because they are subjects about which people are likely to have an opinion about, they are likely to relax and say much more than one word.

Questions to Include Quiet People
:

To draw a quiet person into a conversation you need to show some sensitivity; they may not like much attention drawn to them; they may not, however, speak, unless you address them directly by name, so that is a useful technique. Make the question an easy one to answer, such as 'You saw that movie too, didn't you? What did you think of it?'

Don't put people under pressure to answer but if you use an appropriate question and leave a pause for them to answer, more often than not, they'll answer. Good questions follow on from the topic being discussed and allow a person to give a simple answer based on their personal opinion, rather than requiring them to possess any particular knowledge.

Do you have good listening skills? Listening happens to be a key strength of good communicators. If you want to develop good listening skills, there are some steps you have to follow:

1. It would help if you feel empathy
for the other party when you are listening.

You will be able to absorb what the other person is saying better if you have empathy because the content will be close to your heart.

2. Empathy is also important because
if you have empathy, you will be able to form an association between the knowledge you value in your head and the content of the message of the other person.

Look for the deeper meaning people express behind the words they use and you`ll find commonality in values, opinions and outlook.

3. Avoid judging the delivery
of the message and the person delivering the message, if possible.

This allows you to focus on the content of the message rather than on the style of delivery.

4. You can rely on some techniques
to improve your level of comprehension of a spoken message.

For example, you can ask the other person to repeat his message or certain parts of it. Then you can rephrase the message content in your own words and ask the other party if what you understood is correct.

5. Maintain an active body state.

If you are alert, it will be easier to fight any distractions that would prevent you from comprehending the message.

6. Aim to get as much detail
as you can from the person about the message.

This means asking intelligent and pertinent questions. Then restate the message in your own words so you can determine how much you absorbed and understood.

7. It helps if you are genuinely interested
in the other person and the message.

If you are bored (both with the person and the message), it will definitely show both in your body language and your replies. If you are not interested in either the person or the message, etiquette dictates that you excuse yourself politely and go somewhere else so that you will not waste your time or the time of the other person.

8. Ever heard the phrase 'one touch
is equal to a thousand words'?

Well, basically what that means is, your body language can convey a lot of meaning. Study the body language of the other person so you can get the nonverbal cues he is sending. He might be irritable, sad, happy, or angry. All these emotions are subtly conveyed by his body language, not just by a spoken message.

9. To keep the conversational ball rolling
, make an effort to ask the other party what his point of view or opinions are.

Not only is this polite, you might learn something valuable in the process.

10. You should also let the other person
know what your own perspective or opinions are.

Aim to make these specific rather than couch them in broad terms so that the other party knows exactly where you stand. This will reduce instances of miscommunication.

11. If the other person has offended you
somehow, be vocal about your displeasure but do not get angry.

Control your emotions so that the situation does not worsen.

12. Maintain an objective stance
regarding your reactions and the consequences of the actions of the other person.

This means being able to take a step back and view the situation from an objective point of view.

13. Do not try to own
the conversation by dominating the flow and ignoring attempts by the other person to be heard.

Try to dominate the other person and you will find you will get fewer and fewer people who want to talk to you.

14. If the other party uses emotion-laden words
, sieve through the message without reacting automatically to the emotion.

This will help defuse a potentially volatile situation.

15. Follow-up any resolution to the situation.

If you and the other party have agreed on something, schedule a second or even third meeting to smooth out any remaining rough spots.

These tips are just some of the ways to bolster your listening skills. Test these ideas and you will see the big difference they can make.

When we first meet new people, we all feel a little awkward and self-conscious until we feel that we understand the other person a little. Until we can do that, we can't work out what people think of us and that often leaves us in an uncomfortable position of uncertainty.

The key to getting comfortable again and to understanding other people, is to read the other person's key body language signals; believe it or not, this is possible even from the very first few seconds when you meet that new person.

1. Eye contact is very important
in communication, especially with new people.

Good use of eye contact, which does not avoid others, does not stare and does not linger on certain parts of the other's anatomy inappropriately, is a crucial part of getting to understand new people.

Appropriate eye contact shows respect and it shows that you are interested in interacting with the other person.

How much eye contact to make differs between cultures but if you read the other person's body signals correctly you will see how much eye contact to make by matching their degree of eye contact.

2. Posture says a lot
about a person's personality and mood.

Slouching shoulders and a curved spine, as well as helping someone to develop round shoulders over time, says that they are depressed, down, and lacking confidence in themselves. That kind of posture can become a self-fulfilling prophecy as it soon begins to affect a person's mood negatively.

3. The tilt of a person's head
betrays their mood too.

A head which is balanced both horizontally and vertically on the neck oozes confidence and self-esteem. You will find yourself more inclined to listen to a person who has this kind of posture when speaking.

When they want to speak or make a particular point, the authoritative, confident person will usually lean their head forward just a little bit, but without encroaching too much on the personal space of their listener.

If they tilt their head to one side while you're talking, you can be assured that they are listening to you attentively and that they will be likely to give you time to speak and say what you have to say.

Of course, this position can change, and it should. No one position should be maintained for too long as that will seem unnatural and can be off-putting to the other person.

If someone stays in one position and doesn't speak for a long time, check: have they fallen asleep! That is the impression you would probably be left with!

4. The placement of a person's arms
says a lot about their personality and mood. Wild gesticulations will imply over-excitement or even aggression.

You will feel most comfortable when you can see that the person you are speaking too is feeling comfortable too; therefore, look for arms that are held naturally at the sides of the body. They may also be held behind the back.

Either posture implies an open personality, a person who is feeling confident and who is ready to face challenges.

If you upset or offend someone, watch out for their arms being crossed over their chest defensively. That's a real giveaway that they are feeling hurt.

5. Legs tell you a lot
about the person you're speaking with, even when you have just met them.

It's quite difficult to get your legs to do exactly what you want them to do, so they say a lot about a person's innermost feelings, even when they are trying very hard to hide them. Leg swinging and rolling of the foot at the ankle, or especially foot tapping, shows that a person is feeling irritated or impatient. The faster the movement, the worse their mood!

6. You will probably be able
to sense right away if someone is deliberately angling their body away from you, even if you don't consciously process that thought.

People tend to sit angled towards and even leaning towards, people they like. This may not happen when you first meet someone, as they may wait a little while to gauge what you are like, but if they start to position themselves in your direction and lean in closer to you, then the chances are that they are beginning to like you.

So, even if you don't know a person well, you can read their body language and adapt your communication with them accordingly.