An Ever Fixéd Mark (9 page)

“Enjoy your afternoon off,” Dr. Chiang left
the office.

Lizzie watched the door close and reached
for her phone. She found Eric’s number and pressed send.

*****

Lizzie gazed through the large windows at
the view of the Charles. She always thought the image of Boston
from across the river was breathtaking, even at three in the
morning when her breath had already been vigorously spent. She
wondered if they should have closed the blinds… not that anyone was
looking across the river to see what was happening on the fifteenth
floor.

She wanted to leave, even though she felt
badly that Eric splurged on a hotel room when they could have
easily gone back to either apartment. It was a nice variation to
their routine, but not enough to quiet her mind enough to allow
sleep. Not enough comfort to make her want to stay beside him.

He was sleeping. The room was silent except
for the faded echo of a car horn. The view was… the evening was
worth it to have that view of the city in the darkness of pre-dawn.
She couldn’t feel the stiffness of her ankle anymore. It wasn’t a
bad evening. It wasn’t an awkward morning. It just wasn’t… it
wasn’t… it wasn’t what she wanted. It wasn’t Ben.

She stared at the silver waters reflecting
the street lamps and lights of the boats along the river. She
watched the boats, some in shadow. Some were lit by a lantern. She
saw the ferry move across the river. Then she saw him, standing at
the edge of the water. His feet were in the marshes. She walked
towards him, knowing she would get her feet wet. She saw the russet
hair and waited for him to turn around and look at her with the
green eyes. She reached out to touch his shoulder and when he
turned around he laughed. Nobody laughed at her jokes. Not even
Jack. Jack leaned forward over his lunch tray and rolled his eyes
at her lame punch line. Sara smiled politely, but she could tell
she wanted to roll her eyes at Ben. Lizzie was annoyed. Annoyed
that Sara could determine what was funny at their table. Then why
was Ben laughing at her joke? He was always nice to her. Nice so
she would convince Sara to give him a second look. Convince her to
let him take her to the prom. Then he would give her a corsage of
lilies. Lilies. Lilies were Lizzie’s flower. Not Sara’s.

Lizzie opened her eyes. The sun reflected
off the blue river straight into her pupils. She rolled away from
the window and let the images of her dream collect before falling
away from her memory. Was it a memory? Sitting across from Ben in
the cafeteria as he laughed at a joke Sara didn’t think was funny.
To impress her so that she would convince Sara to go to the prom
with him. Or was she just wishing he was he trying to impress
her?

She tried to hold onto the images of her
dream as she turned onto her back and saw Eric’s smiling eyes.
“Good morning.”

“Morning,” she wished the sound of her voice
didn’t break the spell of her dream.

“I have a surgery this morning,” he
grinned.

“Okay,” she shut her eyes to try to bring
back the Springs’ cafeteria.

“
I’m off tonight. How
about dinner?’

She opened her lids to the attention of his
dark eyes. It was a genuine invitation. Not a spontaneous drink.
Not the impulse to stay at a hotel. Or maybe the hotel was part of
it? Had he been waiting to ask this question for a while and
planned out the detail? “Eric, I…”

He sat up and took her hand so she would do
the same. “What if we take a couple steps back and just go on a
date?”

“I don’t…”

“We can still… we can still end up in the
same place. I just thought maybe we could make this a little more
serious.”

“No,” she was surprised the answer came so
bluntly from her lips. She was too tired to control herself.

“I like being with you, Lizzie,” she watched
him curl his dark hand around her pale fingers.

“I don’t want to date,” she couldn’t buffer
herself.

“But don’t you want to… I mean you’re 33.
Don’t you want a family?”

She retracted her hand. “That’s not what
this was about, Eric.”

“It could be.”

“I’m not good enough for you,” she shut her
eyes. “I’m a bad… I would be a bad girlfriend.”

“Not if you let yourself … let’s just try
it.”

“I’m sorry Eric. I’m sorry if I led you on.
I… I…” she stopped the temptation to be completely honest with a
look at his eyes. He really liked her. For a few seconds she let
herself imagine the possibility. She could be one of the doctors’
wives for whom Andrew wanted to cater. “I’m flattered. But I don’t…
I think we should stop seeing one another.”

“Oh.”

“I really should get to work,” Lizzie left
the bed clumsily and went quickly to the bathroom.

She took a shower and didn’t fuss too much
when putting her clothes back on. She wasn’t eager to impress
anyone with her appearance at the hospital. It was going to just be
a day she had to get through. She left the bathroom and saw Eric
sitting in a chair by the window, looking at the Charles River. He
turned to her, the invitation still hopeful in his eyes.

“
I’m sorry,” Lizzie
grabbed her bag and coat. “I’m really sorry, Eric,” she said a
final time and walked out the door.

Chapter Eight

Lizzie looked at her watch in between sips
of water. She resisted the letdown as she emptied the bottle and
tossed it in the recycle bin. She walked a few yards and turned
back to where she was waiting.

“Lizzie!” Meg shouted through the crowd of
spectators and runners.

Lizzie shut her eyes and breathed out
relief. “Hey.”

“Congratulations!” Meg hugged her, forcing
Lizzie to put pressure on her exhausted ankle.

“Did you just get here?” Lizzie tried not to
let the pain make her voice too sour.

“Kinda. Well, it took me forever to find a
parking spot. And even then, it’s a couple blocks from here,” Meg
offered sheepishly as she handed Lizzie another water bottle and
her bag. “I should have left the house earlier.”

“It’s all right,” Lizzie prepared to start
the walk back towards the car.

“You made better time than you thought?” Meg
tried to deflect the culpability.

“
Ten minute miles,” Lizzie
breathed out. “Not bad considering my ankle.”

“Your ankle is okay?” Meg frowned.

“It’s all right. It will be fine when we get
back to the car.”

“Why don’t you go sit over on that bench? I
can bring the car around. It just might take a few minutes to get
around the road that’s still blocked off for the finish line.”

Lizzie nodded, willing to be a wimp and
indulge her ankle. She ignored the instinct to limp. Her legs
pulled through six ten minute miles. Not bad. There would be
friends and dinner to make her forget the resurgence of swelling.
She rubbed the sweat off her forehead, breathing in deep. She
lifted her glance towards the bench and saw the gray green eyes
looking at her. She quickly changed her direction towards him and
felt the stiffness of her ankle melt away with the eagerness of her
steps. He looked the same, his freckles still obvious under his
eyes. “Ben, what a surprise,” Lizzie concentrated on a
determination to be kind.

“
I saw your Facebook
status and thought I would witness you overcome your injury,” he
smiled graciously.

“Oh,” Lizzie was startled by his answer, not
sure if it was because he paid attention to her update, or because
he was checking on her ankle six weeks later.

“You did it. Even with a slight
malfunction,” he smiled, making her forget everything that upset
her in the months since the reunion.

“It’s still not perfect,” she concentrated
her pressure on her right foot so her pain wouldn’t give her away.
“But better.”

“Well, congrats,” he touched her arm. “I
imagine you… well done, Elizabeth.”

“
Um, listen, we’re heading
back to my place for spaghetti and drinks. Just a small group of
friends. You wanna come? It should be fun. My friend Davis is
always entertaining,” Lizzie offered. “I still owe you for giving
me a ride home.”

“
You don’t owe me. I was
glad to help you,” he paused and shifted to a smile. It wasn’t a
real smile. “Thanks for the invitation. I would like… but I don’t
think I will be able to.”

“Oh,” she felt the pain creep back into her
memory.

“Maybe some other time,” he nodded as
Lizzie’s bag started ringing. Ben looked at the satchel dangling
from the clutches of her hand. She couldn’t ignore it. She looked
for the phone and saw Andrew’s name come up. Ben nodded as he
touched her shoulder again and walked away.

Lizzie let out a sigh and flipped open her
phone. “Hi,” her eyes followed Ben until he faded amongst the crowd
of runners and spectators and water bottles.

“Lizzie,” Andrew’s voice was foreboding of
disappointment. “You’re done?”

“I’m waiting for Meg to bring the car,” she
sighed, looking towards the bench that was now occupied.

“Congratulations,” he lacked enthusiasm.

“What’s up?”

“Davis is sick,” Andrew sighed. “He hasn’t
been able to eat all day. I would leave him but he … well, you know
how he gets.”

“No worries. I don’t think I’m good company
right now anyway,” Lizzie took the patience out of her answer.

“What happened, lovely?”

“Just my ankle flaring up,” she looked
towards the road, hoping Meg would appear soon.

“Maybe tomorrow?”

“Plans with Nora.”

“Well, some time this week. I will cook you
a fabulous dinner.”

“Yeah, sure,” Lizzie said quickly seeing
Meg’s red Focus. “Meg’s here. Talk to you later.”

“Call me tonight if you need to bitch.”

“Tell Davis I hope he feels better,” Lizzie
closed her phone and walked to meet Meg’s car.

“I would have pulled up closer,” Meg said as
Lizzie put on her seatbelt.

“Andrew just called to cancel,” Lizzie
explained before Meg could question her sour mood and infer any
other cause.

“That’s too bad.”

“So I guess it’s just us,” Lizzie leaned her
head back and closed her lids. All she could see was the gray green
eyes.

“Alec called.”

“Mm?”

“He wants to go to a movie.”

“Well, we can eat early.”

“The movie is at five-thirty. So… well,
seeing that we’re having dinner with Nora tomorrow…”

“I’ll just go home and take a shower.”

“Sorry Lizzie,” Meg sighed. Lizzie didn’t
answer. She just kept her eyes closed to dry the tears before they
had a chance to escape.

*****

Lizzie didn’t know if the quiet of the
apartment was a blessing or a curse. She wasn’t doing much to take
the pressure off her ankle. She lingered an extra ten minutes under
the steam of her shower. Then she cooked her small bowl of
spaghetti. She went for sauce in a jar and frozen meatballs. Not
the fancier version she planned with Andrew… but it refueled her
weary limbs. She cleaned up the kitchen and was contemplating one
of Meg’s DVDs when the doorbell rang.

She felt the swollen joint as she walked
down the steps and had to pause before reaching for the door. She
forgot the irritation and almost lost her breath completely when
she saw Ben on the other side of the door with a bottle of wine. “I
hope it’s not too late to change my mind,” he smiled.

“Well,” somehow she laughed. “Actually my
friends were sick. And Meg went out with her boyfriend. So… there’s
no dinner.”

She breathed out, hoping he didn’t think she
made up the dinner story to lure him back to her apartment. But he
came to her apartment. He remembered where she lived. He changed
his mind. “We can still have wine,” he offered, not lifting his
gray green eyes. Lizzie realized she was in jeans and a t-shirt.
Her hair was still wet from her shower. She was barefoot and
didn’t… well, she was more attractive than the last two times he
saw her – sweaty and muddy after a run.

“Come on up,” she turned around and went
back up the stairs.

Lizzie let herself pause in the doorway with
the two wine glasses and bottle to take in the reality of the
moment. He stood by the mantelpiece of their inactive fireplace. He
was in her living room. He accepted her invitation. He came to see
her at the end of her race. He came because he thought she wanted
that. She felt giddy and unreal… and suddenly very foolish and
guilty for letting herself doubt.

He sensed her presence and turned to her
frozen stance. He took the glasses from her hand and paused. “Is
everything all right? How’s the ankle?”

“
It’s been better,” she
smiled and set the Malbec on the coffee table. Lizzie sat in front
of the table and silently filled the two glasses. She offered him
one and took a large sip from her own.

“Where is your roommate?” he disturbed the
silence without taking a sip from his glass.

“I have two roommates,” Lizzie explained.
“Jackie – the one you met – is visiting her sister this weekend. My
other roommate, Meg, is the one who went to the movies with her
boyfriend.”

“It’s a nice apartment,” he looked around
the room and settled on the couch beside her. Lizzie was glad she
cleaned in anticipation of guests. She managed to hide away all of
Meg’s vampire novels and washed all the dirty wine glasses.

“Yeah,” Lizzie nodded. “There’s a lot of
space for three people. I like the fact we have two floors. I
really like the spiral staircase.”

“That is a nice touch,” Ben agreed. “It’s
always been the three of you?”

“Well, originally it was Meg, myself, and
our friend Nora. We all worked together at an historic village
during college and decided to get an apartment together.”

“One of your other museums?”