An Ever Fixéd Mark (6 page)

“I bet you missed us,” Lizzie tried not to
make her observation of Ben obvious.

“Of course I did. I missed the food. What
did you make this year?”

“Something healthy. I missed the guitar
playing at the end of the night,” Lizzie laughed. “Hey – when is
the next gig, Jack?”

“We have some shows coming up in the spring.
I hope you’ll come to one or two.”

“I’ve been known to do such things on
occasion,” Lizzie felt someone’s eyes on her. She turned from Jack
and met Ben’s gray green eyes. He paused for a second and looked
away.

“Hey – is that Ben Cottingham?”

Lizzie hoped the blush wasn’t too obvious in
her cheeks. Fortunately, it was cold and the indoor heat had
already made her a little ruddy. “It was.”

“Do you think he still has a thing for
Sara?”

“Who knows?”

“Was he at the reunion?”

“Yes.”

“I’m surprised. I mean… I always thought he
would be the sort to leave this town and never look back.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I don’t know. He was smart. I bet he made a
small fortune.”

“He went to MIT. And he has his own computer
company.”

“Really?” Jack looked curiously.

“At least that’s what he says on
Facebook.”

“Oh yeah…” Jack nodded.

“Sara,” Lizzie said abruptly, realizing the
line had already reached the greeting family. “I am so sorry.”

“It was such a surprise,” Sara clung to her
embrace. “He was so alive at Christmas.”

Lizzie stepped back and offered a friendly
smile. “I will always have happy memories of him,” she kissed
Sara’s cheek and looked to Jack.

“Jack,” Sara leaned into his embrace.

“Jen sends her sympathies,” Jack explained
his wife’s absence as Lizzie moved through the line of Sara’s
siblings and mother. It was always weird trying to say the right
thing, when nothing was ever right to say… especially when she was
really impatient to go outside and see if Ben was still there.

She opened the door of the church and saw
him standing on the bottom step. “Hi Lizzie,” he said in a tone
that dashed her hope to the pit of her stomach. It wasn’t just
sobriety that reflected the occasion. It was the sobriety that
proved the reason he hadn’t called her back. The reason he didn’t
say goodbye the morning after.

“Hi Ben,” she forced a small smile.

“Good to see you,” he didn’t meet her eyes
as Jack followed through the door.

“Ben!” Jack nodded his greeting. “So there’s
no cemetery because he’s cremated, right?”

“Yeah,” Lizzie nodded, still looking at Ben.
She recognized the contours of his muscle, even under his winter
coat. He had strong shoulders.

“
Are we going back to the
house? Lizzie, what about you?”

“Yeah, for a little bit,” Lizzie didn’t move
her eyes from Ben to look at Jack.

“I’ve got to head back to Boston. Good to
see you,” he repeated and disappeared into the mass of cars. Lizzie
heaved a great sigh, glad the sad occasion didn’t make her
disappointment look obvious.

*****

“
I thought you worked on
Saturdays,” Jack finished his plate from the buffet of casseroles
and sandwiches.

“I took the day off,” Lizzie glanced over
the crowd of heads in the living room, hoping to catch Sara’s
eye.

“Don’t you get sick of giving the same tour
every week?”

“I only do it twice a month,” Lizzie looked
back at Jack. “I like it. I work with one of my best friends… and
the house is kind of creepy at this time of year.”

“Ever see any ghosts?”

“I wouldn’t call them ghosts,” Lizzie
softened her voice, uncertain if the topic of ghosts was
appropriate at a funeral reception. “Just some odd energy… if you
believe that sort of thing.”

“Are you sure you aren’t drinking on the
job, Lizzie?”

“I’m pretty sure,” Lizzie shook her head at
him. “Most of the time anyway.”

“One of these days I’ll come check it out.
Jen wants to see it. She likes old houses.”

“Well, you live in one,” Lizzie took a bite
from her plate as a book on the shelf by her side caught her eye.
“Oh my goodness! Is that our yearbook?”

“I have a copy of that somewhere,” Jack said
with half interest as Lizzie pulled it off the shelf. She flipped
through the first pages coated with signatures and sentimental
messages and stopped at the aerial class photo.

“It’s difficult to tell who anyone is from
that perspective.”

“It’s about getting everyone in the photo,
Jack,” Lizzie looked for herself at the bottom of the crowd. Jack
was behind her, wearing his infamous leather jacket. Sara was on
top of Ben’s shoulders. Lizzie couldn’t have sat on anyone’s
shoulders. It was long before marathon days.

Jack turned the pages with more interest
than his initial response to her discovery. He stopped at a candid
of a science lab. “Wow, Lizzie you look good. I mean now. I know
this is probably going to be tacky – because I’m your cousin… and a
bit of an idiot. But, geez, I think half these girls would kill to
improve so much since high school the way you did.”

“Thanks, I guess,” Lizzie was used to the
awkward uncertain compliments.

“But I did think you were pretty then,
too.”

Lizzie couldn’t restrain the laugh. “It’s
okay, cuz. I understand what you are trying to say.”

“And there’s Sara and Ben,” Jack looked at
the opposite page. “He left pretty fast today. Surprised he didn’t
stop in for a little ambrosia.”

“He’s kind of a health freak.”

“Was that on his Facebook, too?”

Lizzie looked up at Jack. “No, something he
said at the reunion.”

“I saw him checking you out, Lizzie. I think
you scared him away.”

“Stop,” Lizzie looked down at the photo of
him with Sara. She recognized the same muscular contours she
discovered that night. How was she so oblivious 15 years ago?

“I forgot I left that here,” Sara’s voice
caused Lizzie to look back up. “I brought it with me during the
reunion so I could look people up if I met someone I couldn’t
remember.”

Lizzie offered a moderate smile. “How are
you doing?”

“I just want to have this baby,” Sara took
the seat that Jack offered. “I don’t feel like I can grieve until I
give birth.” Sara took the book out of Lizzie’s relaxed palms. “Oh
my God! Look at the hair in this picture. Why did we ever think
spiral perms were a good idea? Ben looks the same. Well his hair
isn’t as long. But he still looks 25. Ben didn’t come back, did
he?”

“No, he said he had to go back to Boston,”
Jack offered.

“It was nice of him to come,” Sara sighed
and looked some more at the yearbook. “Oh, look at you, Jack.
Whatever happened to your leather jacket?”

“I still have it,” he smiled proudly.

“No way,” Sara gleamed. “Does Jen let you
wear it?”

“I’m not that skinny, Sara,” he shook his
head. “Not anymore.”

“You wore that thing to the prom,” Sara
laughed and skipped ahead a couple pages. “Did you see those
pictures? See, look, there you are in your leather jacket.”

Jack took the book back and looked at the
picture. “You look stylin in your mermaid dress, Sara,” he
retorted. “What did you wear, Lizzie?”

“I didn’t go to the prom,” she shook her
head.

“She protested, remember?” Sara rolled her
eyes.

“I just didn’t have someone special to take
me,” Lizzie sighed. She actually didn’t miss having that memory.
Especially when she spent half of her working day planning parties
like the prom to raise money for health care.

“Really? I could have sworn you were in my
limo,” Jack gave the book back to Sara.

“No, that was Melissa Benson,” Sara said
softly.

“Oh,” Jack nodded and then remembered. “Oh
yeah…”

“She went as Kyle Granger’s date, don’t you
remember?”

“Why was I in a limo with Kyle Granger?”

“I don’t know,” Sara shrugged. “Probably
because the Bensons were your neighbors.”

“Oh… yeah. He was dating Melissa … but she
was a year older than us, wasn’t she?”

“Yeah,” Lizzie sighed, wondering if she
should bring up Melissa’s fate at a funeral. It didn’t seem
appropriate, when Melissa never had one.

“They never found a body,” Sara said what
Lizzie wouldn’t. “I can’t imagine facing that as a parent.”

“
Or as a teenager,” Lizzie
muttered. She remembered a conversation she overheard when someone
described Melissa as a thinner version of Elizabeth Watson. Lizzie
wasn’t ever sure if that was what the person actually said, but it
did creep her out sixteen years ago.

“She was in my astronomy class,” Jack took a
cracker from Lizzie’s plate. “You were, too, Lizzie. Do you
remember her?”

“She was the best in that class,” Lizzie
answered absently. “Sort of a teacher’s pet.”

“So were you,” Jack tried to smile.

“Hey,” Sara sat up quickly. “She’s
kicking.”

Lizzie turned to look at Sara with a genuine
smile. Sara grabbed Lizzie’s hand and placed it on her stomach.
Lizzie felt the foot press against her palm. “Wow,” she beamed.

“I’ve decided to name her Josie – short for
Josephine. After Dad,” Sara sighed.

“He’d like that,” Lizzie remembered why they
were there in that room, in Sara’s company. She removed the
yearbook from Sara’s lap and put it aside, deciding the visits to
Springs nostalgia were no longer necessary.

*****

“
Thanks, Lizzie,” Jen
smiled as she came back into the living room.

“We read two books,” Lizzie picked up the
beer she left on the side table when she brought three year old
Isabel up to bed.

“I bet she wanted two more,” Jen
grinned.

Lizzie sat uneasily on the edge of the sofa
as Jen shifted back to the conversation between Jack and his band
mates. Lizzie was glad she accepted their offer for dinner, but
felt awkward in the group of Jack’s friends. Especially when the
drummer, Mike, kept looking at her. She knew it was because she
went with him to his car one night after a gig. Now he had a
girlfriend.

“Hey Lizzie, didn’t a friend of yours play
at a place in Central Square?” Jack brought her focus back to the
conversation.

“Yeah,” she muttered not sure how Will still
qualified as her friend.

“Maybe his band could play with ours.”

“You’re not really going to start doing gigs
in Cambridge,” Jen shook her head with a glance at the bass
player’s wife.

“Why not?”

“Because it’s a lot of work and a lot more
time you won’t be here,” Jen explained lightly, but Lizzie knew her
intention was not very light-hearted. Lizzie took the final swallow
of beer and decided to leave the room to get another.

Instead of returning to her uncomfortable
seat, she went through the dining room onto the back deck. The
January air was cool, but clean. There was a half foot of snow
blanketing their backyard, chopped up with children’s footprints.
The air was quiet, the eerie calm of Coldbrook that always startled
her at first, but eventually calmed her.

“Hey,” Mike slid the door shut.

“Hey,” Lizzie was conscious of her smile.
She wasn’t going to try to be inviting. Not that he wasn’t
attractive. He was. She always thought so. Even in high school. But
she was wary of musicians. And… she had to remind herself… he had a
girlfriend.

“Couples,” he leaned on the railing beside
her.

“I’m sure Amy would agree with Jen,” Lizzie
put the name out to remind him.

“She’s not here,” there was a knowing look
as he took a sip of beer.

Lizzie turned away to look at the snowy
backyard. “Hey, didn’t you used to hang out with Oliver
Cottingham?” Lizzie asked suddenly as the memory entered her
mind.

“Kinda,” Mike shrugged with disinterest.
“Why?”

“His brother was at the funeral today.”

“Yeah, he was part of your little group. I
remember that. It was because of Ben that I found out about Jack’s
band,” Mike turned his lean around, bringing himself closer to
Lizzie’s side. She appreciated the warmth, but not the
intimacy.

“Do you keep in touch with him?”

“With Oliver?” he laughed over another
swallow. “Naw, he moved to California or something. We just hung
out on occasion. Once the band started, we didn’t have much in
common. It’s nice Ben showed up. He had a thing for your friend,
didn’t he?”

“Yeah,” Lizzie’s heart sank. Why was she
having a conversation about the Cottinghams? Not like Mike the
drummer would know anything about Ben now. Or why he had to leave
to go back to Boston. Or why he would actually want to talk to
Lizzie after their night together.

Mike wanted to talk to her. Maybe not talk.
She felt his hand touch her lower back. He wasn’t put off by the
awkwardness of seeing her again after a hasty fuck in the back seat
of his Mazda. She didn’t want to think about Ben anymore. She
didn’t want to think about stupid guitar players who married
someone else. She peered through the glass doors into the dark
dining room. The living room wasn’t visible from that angle. She
looked back at Mike and decided to forget about Amy. Screw it. She
let him kiss her and slide his hand over her breast. She grabbed
his hand and pulled him towards the back wall of the house. She
kept kissing him as she reached for the button of his jeans. He
reached under her skirt and pulled her tights towards her
knees.

She drank the rest of her beer after he went
back in the house. She took in the cold air, knowing its reaction
against her skin would qualify the blood in her cheeks. She shut
her eyes and let the sting of guilt creep in as her pulse returned
to normal. She preferred the guilt hovering in her brain over the
disappointment that Ben walked away and didn’t want to see her.