An Ever Fixéd Mark (7 page)

Chapter Six

Lizzie saw Alec’s car parked on the street
in front of the house. She decided to leave her bag in the stair
hall and settle on the couch without going upstairs. It was well
after noon, but she knew that might not matter with Meg and her on
and off again boyfriend. She was tired and all too happy to lose
the heels she put back on her feet before leaving the South End.
She arranged the pillows to support her neck comfortably and found
something on the television from which she could easily fade away
as her lack of sleep enveloped her.

She was too tired to relax into her
subconscious. She numbly watched the romantic comedy on the
television while her mind toyed with the idea of sitting up to
organize the books Meg left on the coffee table. Her eyes were
heavy, making the images on the television blur. She vaguely
understood the storyline… college friends who separated over the
years and then found each other as well as the unspoken attraction
that hadn’t disappeared in the years of separation… or something
like that. She let her eyes close and saw a warm orange settle into
view. She felt herself falling backwards, but then opened her eyes
to finish watching the movie. It turned out the guy had a thing for
her best friend all along. Not the girl. Lizzie didn’t really like
the movie all that much. She wanted the story to be different and
decided to stop watching the television. She got off the couch and
went into the dining room, where her friends were standing around a
table full of food. They were laughing and talking. Davis turned
around and pulled Lizzie into the circle. She saw Ben immediately
across the table. He smiled at her. She didn’t want to look at him,
annoyed by his cold reception at the funeral. He offered her a
glass of wine and said, “I’m sorry.” The other people in the room
seemed to fade away. He took her hand and led her out of the room
into the hallway. Only it wasn’t her hallway. It was a big old
house… was she at work? Was a tour about to come through? They
couldn’t be found talking. Lizzie pulled his hand out of the
hallway into the living room, where a different movie was on the
television. Meg was sitting on the couch with Alec asking Lizzie to
get out of the way. She was watching vampire films for research.
Lizzie sat herself in the chair and started watching, remembering
that she was once in a vampire film and played a girl who was
killed by a vampire. She remembered that Ben was there with her,
but when she looked up…

Lizzie felt a sudden jolt to her body and
woke harshly to a rock song blaring on a car commercial. “Hey
sleepyhead,” Meg set a glass of water on the coffee table.

“Hey,” Lizzie sat herself up groggily.
Darkness settled into the room. “What time is it?”

“Five-thirty,” Meg picked a couple books off
the table. “When did you get home?”

“Noon,” Lizzie took up the glass that Meg
left on the table.

“You’re still in your dress,” Meg
smirked.

“Yeah… well…” Lizzie didn’t have the
alacrity to offer a snappy reply. “Where’s Alec?’

“He went home an hour ago,” Meg sat in the
black chair by the fireplace.

“Oh,” Lizzie set down her glass.

“So the gala was a success?”

“It was,” Lizzie paused, knowing the detail
for which Meg was waiting. “There was a good turnout.”

“Any surgical interns?”

“He didn’t come to the gala,” Lizzie took a
sip of her water. “But he picked me up after I shut down the
reception table.”

“You’ve been seeing him a lot lately.”

“I’m not in a relationship with Eric,”
Lizzie said very purposefully.

“So … you don’t like him?”

“He’s attractive… I like him. I like being
with him… for a little while, at least.”

“Just a little while?”

“I don’t think he’s boyfriend material,
Meg.”

“Yeah… but he likes you.”

Lizzie didn’t want to say what was really on
her mind. That she was still obsessing about her former high school
classmate, who didn’t have any interest in talking to her
whatsoever and only visited her dreams. She couldn’t admit that …
even to Meg. Because even to Meg, it seemed foolish and deluded.
And a little too close to her preoccupation with Will. It was
easier to explain that she had no interest in Eric beyond a couple
nights a week than any element of truth relative to her heart.

“I’m not going to stop seeing him… I guess…”
Lizzie was starting to wonder if Eric was taking things more
seriously than she was. She had seen him more in the month since
her fifteen minutes on the back deck with Mike. It kept her out of
trouble and occupied her thoughts. But she didn’t want it to be
real.

“Maybe you’ve got the right idea, Lizzie. No
attachment. Just love the ones you know will never love you back.
That way you don’t tease yourself with hope for something you won’t
get in return,” Meg picked up one of her books and pursed her
lips.

“Alec?”

“Mm,” she nodded, still focused on the
book.

“Why are you with him again?

“Because when it’s good, he makes me… I feel
at ease with him. We can talk about anything and everything. I feel
comfortable in my skin when I am with him. He makes my skin feel
real good…” Meg smiled to herself. “But when I’m not in his
company, the spell wears off and he’s…”

“Meg,” Lizzie didn’t know what to say. She
wasn’t qualified to give any relationship advice. Especially when
her moral barometer was closer to Alec’s than decency.

“I bet Eric made you feel good last night –
even if it wasn’t about your heart,” Meg still stared at her
book.

“He did,” Lizzie admitted quietly.

“Yeah,” Meg hesitated and set the book back
on the table. “You know it’s Valentine’s Day today.”

“I suppose it is,” Lizzie groaned and leaned
back against the pillows.

“I forgot about that,” Meg sighed.
Apparently, Alec had forgotten, too.

*****

Lizzie had a Saturday off from the Fulton
House and chose to make use of the milder March weather with a
lengthy run. She decided to train for another race. A local 10K. It
wasn’t a marathon, but something with which to occupy her time… and
thoughts. Thoughts that tempted her after helping Nora address
wedding invitations. Tempted her to remember feelings to which she
didn’t want to pay attention – wanting someone to take to Nora’s
wedding, that someone would look at her with as much appreciation
for her company as her transfigured body, and the yearning to have
someone beside her when she woke up in the morning. She didn’t want
to think about those things… especially when there were signs that
Eric was interested in something more than a drink and his
apartment.

She figured she would try a new route to
challenge her muscles and provide enough distance to gauge her time
for the 10K. She took the train across the river so she could run
the Cambridge side of the Charles. She walked to the end of the
Longfellow Bridge and started her run towards Harvard Square,
losing her concentration to the beat of her music.

The song ended and changed to an 80’s song.
It reminded her of the reunion and took her out of her focus on the
next benchmark. Why? Oh why… couldn’t she let it go? It had been
two months since she saw him at the funeral. He wasn’t interested
in talking to her. Why was she so interested in talking to him?
Why? What was there to Ben Cottingham beyond some thrilling
gymnastics after dancing to 80’s songs for one night in November?
What was it about him that made him latch into her memory and ache
for realization?

He was attractive… but not in an obvious
way. His russet hair and freckles weren’t more impressive than…
well than Eric’s dark curls and chiseled jaw. Eric was a runner.
Ben had strong shoulders. Eric was a doctor. Ben was an
entrepreneur with technical genius. Maybe he lacked the skill with
people that he had with machines… but Lizzie thought his
conversation was compelling to keep her talking. For a couple
hours, with the lubrication of much wine. Eric liked… what did he
like? Other than her? He didn’t go to museums or have interest in
history. He didn’t know that any part of Massachusetts existed
outside of 128. Eric knew her and was interested in her. Ben only
had an interest after Sara turned him away. But no matter the point
of observation, both were attentive to her physically… and neither
were part of her emotionally. Only one might want to change that.
But it was the other with whom she wanted to explore it.

Why didn’t she want Eric? Why the hell did
she want Ben?

She was just being stupid. Eric was a real
opportunity. And Ben… well… she couldn’t really write him off as a
failure. She failed to talk to him, too. Didn’t she? Not that it
would have mattered… not that it would have mattered if she ever
spoke up to Will. He never wanted her. Ben didn’t want her. But
Lizzie was different when Will was in the picture. Now she was …
running up and down the Charles. She still wasn’t at her ideal
weight, but she was pretty close. She looked good in a red dress
and a black dress… and out of those dresses.

Lizzie felt the surge of endorphins as she
saw a crowd of runners approach from the opposite direction. She
leapt off the paved path and started running along the damp grass.
She increased her speed and let the high empty her brain of all
that stress. She was ready to run all the way back to Newton.

She landed her foot and slid on a patch of
mud. Before she realized what was happening, she fell on the
ground, with her right foot going in the opposite direction from
the rest of her leg. She looked up quickly, tears filling her eyes.
She felt stupid. So stupid. How many people saw her land on her
ass? She looked and saw that everyone was walking, running, or
cycling in an opposite direction from a view of her. She saw the
cars pass on Memorial Drive and caught one driver looking at
her.

The pain shot up her calf. She needed to get
herself up. There was a bench a few feet away. She managed to pull
herself up with her arms and good leg and limp over to the bench.
She took out her earphones and shut her eyes, hoping that it would
stop her from babbling like a baby. Why hadn’t she brought her
phone? She was at least a mile from the train. Probably two at this
point. She could hail a taxi… if one passed by on the street. She
didn’t think she could stand that long. She didn’t bring any cash.
Just her Charlie card.

Her ankle really really hurt. It was
probably just a sprain. She hoped. She tried to lift it to get a
better look, but started to cry again as it smarted more. She set
it down and took in a deep breath as a pair of walkers went by. She
hated to be helpless. To look helpless. To not be able to take care
of herself. She could do it. She just didn’t know how…

“Elizabeth,” a voice came behind her and
numbed her completely.

“Ben.”

“Are you okay?”

She was pretty sure her cheeks were already
rosy from the exercise, but now they were flaming. “I…” she tried
to think of a way to argue that she would be fine, but the tears
were still wet on her cheeks. “I think I sprained my ankle.”

He sat in front of her and lifted up her
muddy shoe. How did he know which one to look at? He unlaced her
sneaker and removed her sock. She felt his warm fingers against the
throbbing joint. “I don’t think it’s broken,” he looked up at her,
revealing his gray green eyes she found so charming and
unforgettable. “You would be howling right now if it were.”

“Good,” Lizzie said succinctly. “What are
you doing here?”

“I live a few blocks down the road,” he
stood up slowly, still holding her sock and muddy sneaker.

“Oh,” Lizzie felt suddenly very embarrassed,
taking her sock and putting it into the sneaker. Would he think she
decided to stalk him? “I thought I’d go for a run along the
river.”

“Yes,” he was looking at the river. “Did you
drive here?”

“No, I took the train,” Lizzie looked down
and decided to forsake her pride. “Can you – could you get me back
to the train station?”

“I’ll give you a ride home,” he looked at
her and smiled. “Unless you want to go to the emergency room?”

Lizzie shook her head. With her luck, she
would end up having Eric examine her. Maybe this was her karma for
avoiding her running partner. “You’re sure it’s not broken?”

“I’m sure,” Ben smiled. “Do you mind sitting
here while I get the car?”

“Yeah, of course,” Lizzie bit her lip to
stop the ridiculous tears she felt like letting out. She wasn’t
sure if it was the pain, the embarrassment, or the torture of being
in his company.

She watched him walk away and disappear
somewhere across Memorial Drive. She was happy to see him and
excited that he wasn’t just going to disappear. He was helping her…
coming to her rescue… like some dopey fairy tale. Lizzie got
annoyed with her thinking and grounded herself. Maybe it was a
fortunate coincidence. Maybe it was an opportunity… an opportunity
for her to say something to him.

She watched the runners go by and avoid the
muddy patch into which she so blindly slipped. Her ankle still
hurt. She tried not to think of it as she rehearsed ways of
entreating Ben to seeing her again. Expressing her gratitude for
his assistance and offering to buy him a drink – or dinner. Or…
what did he like to do anyway?

“Hey,” his voice called her back to the
present. “Let me give you a hand.”

Lizzie didn’t speak and allowed Ben to pull
her off the bench. He draped her left arm around him and guided her
to his Prius, parked illegally on Memorial Drive. Luckily it was a
Saturday and not rush hour. Even so, there were a lot of angry
drivers irritated by his position. Ben didn’t seem to mind and took
his time easing her into the passenger seat. Soon enough he was
beside her and starting the ignition.