Read Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women and Couples Online
Authors: Jack Morin Ph.d.
Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women and Couples (26 page)
Keep in mind that past negative experiences with anal sex or sex in general, such as feeling forced, manipulated, or pressured, can easily create a self-protective barrier of tense muscles and fearful emotions that must be understood and approached with great sensitivity and patience. Unfortunately, these kinds of negative experiences are all too common. I encourage partners to discuss their past experiences with anal touch-positive and negative-so they can approach this experience with a deeper level of understanding.
Your partner will be more willing to participate if it's clear that both of you have something to gain. Your partner's reticence is likely to soften if you express willingness to discuss or experiment with something he or she has been wanting. For example, Laura convinced her lover to try non-intercourseoriented sensual touching-with the possibility of anal touch-by suggesting that this might help her feel more at ease giving him the oral stimulation he'd been craving for a long time. Another couple agreed to try a total body massage one night in exchange for going out dancing the next.
If your partner hasn't done any anal exploration privately, he or she may fear that you'll want to touch his or her anus as well. Not surprisingly, this fear is especially common among men in heterosexual relationships. Depending on how you feel, you can offer assurances that one-way anal touching is acceptable. This is difficult for couples who feel that every sexual or sensual activity must always be reciprocal. It's also quite possible that you may be open to receiving anal touching from a partner, but not yet ready to touch your partner in the same way; make your limits clear.
It's never to late to suggest that you and your partner read all or part of this book together or separately. If your partner's open to the idea, this can be an effective way of fully engaging him or her in the process, promoting mutual comfort and understanding, and leveling the playing field between you.
EXPERIENCE
START BY making two explicit agreements with your chosen partner: (1) that you'll spend time together exchanging pleasurable touch all over your bodies including your anus (and, if desired, your partner's anus as well), and (2) that you will not have anal intercourse during this encounter, no matter how tempting it may be.
Start with a bath or shower, together or separately. Inserting your own finger into your anus with a little lube will help you feel extra clean. Those who are especially concerned about cleanliness may wish to give themselves an anal douche (see Chapter 7), but this isn't really necessary for the kind of finger touching you'll be exploring. Find a comfortable place-not necessarily the bedroom-in which to take turns pleasuring each other. When you're being touched, don't do anything. Just lie back and enjoy it. See if you can focus all your attention on yourself. Likewise, when you're the toucher, focus all of your attention on what that experience is like. When touching, make no attempt to read your partner's mind. Assume that what you're doing is fine unless you hear otherwise or, if in doubt, ask directly.
If you've agreed that anal touch will be reciprocated, decide who will receive first. Make an explicit agreement that each will ask the other to stop before anything becomes annoying or uncomfortable. When you're thoroughly relaxed, find a comfortable position in which the receiver's anus can be explored visually and tactilely. It works well for receivers to lie on their backs or fronts with touchers sitting or kneeling between their spread legs. At an appropriate moment, the toucher can apply extra lubricant to a finger and also to the receiver's anus. Note: if it will contribute to either partner's comfort, a latex glove can be used with a water-based lubricant.
As both of you breathe deeply, the toucher can gently massage the anal opening and then, if there's a positive response, slowly slide a finger into the anal canal and lower rectum, using only a slight pressure. Once inside, it's best to let the finger rest there for a few moments before beginning slow and sensuous movements. Use the other hand to stroke the inner thighs, bunsanywhere that can easily be reached. Male receivers may want their prostates massaged and, if so, should guide the toucher with groans and words. The prostate is a few inches in and can be stimulated through the front of the rectal wall (in the direction of the genitals). The toucher's longest finger is usually best for prostate stimulation.
If the receiver is having an enjoyable time, the toucher may want to prolong the experience with a medley of strokes and caresses. How does the receiver respond to a feather-light touch around the anal opening? Is there a change in response with a deeper or faster touch? Does sliding in a finger ever so slightly and then slowly removing it incite the recipient to beg for more?
Many receivers will find this sensuous attention quite arousing, in which case the toucher may supplement anal-rectal caresses with genital massage, using one hand for each area. Applying a bit more oil to the genitals may be a welcome addition. Sometimes this combination of manual genital and anal stimulation can be overwhelming; in other instances it's a recipe for ecstasy. Another combination that some receivers enjoy immensely is simultaneous oral-genital and anal stimulation. Keep in mind that some receivers will become aroused only intermittently or not at all, and may prefer not to have their genitals stimulated during anal play. But this doesn't mean they're not feeling good. When in doubt, just ask.
All of these suggestions are merely options to consider and to discuss beforehand and afterwards. Adopt a slow-paced, experimental approach, with as few expectations as possible. And avoid the pitfall of frantically trying to do it all; there'll be plenty of other opportunities in the future. When something feels particularly good, savor it.
If being the receiver leads you into a state of high arousal and orgasm, allow the waves of pleasure to ripple through your entire body. Whatever you do, don't make having an orgasm into a necessity, a chore, or a symbol of success or failure.
When the time seems right, take a languid break before trading places, perhaps washing up with soap and water or baby wipes and then holding and kissing each other for a while. Be sure to check in on how you're both feeling thus far. If only one partner has chosen to receive anal stimulation, offering the toucher another kind of sensuous or erotic pampering is a fitting expression of gratitude.
MAKING REQUESTS. Later, or perhaps on another occasion, take turns pleasuring each other in the same way, only this time agree that the person being touched will direct the action by making requests. The receiver begins by making a simple request such as, "I'd like you to massage my feet." Stick with what is requested until you get another message, such as, "A little harder faster (or softer and slower) please," or "Include my legs now." Even though you'll probably feel a little silly at first, there's no better way to learn about each other's preferences.
A crucial aspect of effective sensual and sexual communication is the ability to speak up when something hurts, tickles, or is unpleasant in some other way. Isn't it ironic that during activities intended primarily for pleasure, so many of us "grin and bear it" to protect our partners' feelings? Yet the vast majority of my clients say they'd like to know the truth-as long as it's delivered diplomatically.
You can expand the value of this exercise considerably if you mutually agree to practice giving and receiving "negative" feedback. Sometimes this begins with a direct statement such as, "Honey, that doesn't feel good." But don't stop there. Your comments will be much more easily accepted if you emphasize what would feel good or what already has been feeling terrific. Saying "I really like it when you..." is an excellent way to get your point across. Try it and you'll appreciate how much graceful skill is involved-and why repeated practice is a necessity.
TAKING BREAKS. Pause frequently during your activities. Maybe you'll just want to sit or lie together quietly or have an intimate chat. When someone requests a break, the session isn't necessarily over. Discovering this can help to replace a cookbook approach to sex with more spontaneous rhythms. When you stretch things out and make room for breaks, sexual arousal will almost certainly fluctuate. A man's erection may come and go, just as a woman's lubrication may ebb and flow. These changes are natural and don't reflect a lack of interest. Even if your erotic interest does wane, you can still enjoy yourselves; notice what it's like to give and to receive touch when you're not particularly aroused.
COPING WITH ANXIETY. If at any point you feel anxious, uneasy, or self conscious, these steps can help you relax: (1) tell your partner how you feel, (2) stop what you're doing, and (3) do something else that you can enjoy with complete comfort, or ask for whatever reassurances you need to continue what you're already doing. Lying quietly together and taking deep breaths in unison is an excellent way to relax. After restoring a sense of calm and security, decide whether you'd prefer to continue with anal touch or wait until another time.
RESPONSE
FOR MOST of my clients, this kind of communicative, non-goal-oriented encounter is a landmark in the development of their capacity to share anal pleasure with another. Those who have never before included their anuses in erotic play are usually able to do so comfortably once they agree to take it slowly and let expectations dissolve. Those who've unsuccessfully tried anal sex in the past may worry that anal stimulation might lead to intercourse and another "failure." The explicit agreement not to have intercourse sets the stage for a new kind of anal experience, completely free of pressures to perform.
Nancy, in therapy with her lover Tom, explained, "We've been together for three years now, and this is the first time we've agreed it's okay to touch each other's butts and talk about it without me feeling nagged and without Tom feeling guilty for raising the subject. What an exciting reliefl" Then Tom added, "I realize I've never really explored Nancy's vagina that much either. I guess we've done a lot of groping in the dark. And usually I'm trying so hard to get her turned on or make her come. I didn't work so hard at it this time, but I think we got hotter than ever. I sure did. But we didn't have to-I guess that's the difference." And Nancy nodded.
Reports like this are common, but only part of the picture. Steve's experience was just as positive but in a different way: "It seems like most of you guys [in the group] had a good time with this but I didn't. When my lover touched my ass I went up the wall. He said, `What's the matter?' and I said, `Nothing.' Of course, that was a bunch of crap and we both knew it. He said, `Look, I thought we were going to be honest.' So I told him I hated it. It was really hard to say that but he calmly replied, `So what else do you want to do?' That was three weeks ago and it was only last night that I let him touch my ass and it felt pretty good. I never knew I was so squeamish about it."
At first Steve thought that everything had to go like clockwork or else he had failed. Soon he came to understand that it's impossible to fail if you grant yourself permission to be completely yourself. Go ahead and be anxious, angry, bored-anything. If you communicate these feelings and go on from there, you've been true to yourself and real to your partner. I've talked with very few people for whom anal stimulation, or any sexual activity for that matter, is always pleasurable. If you expect this, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
Many people report that what feels good is quite different from what they had imagined. For instance, people often assume that an in-and-out motion of a vibrator or finger will be the best because of its similarity to intercourse. Actually, quite a number of people report that a gentle circular motion around the anal opening is much more pleasurable. This is understandable, because the highest concentration of nerve endings are near the anal opening. But anal pleasure involves so much more than nerve endings and techniques; it's the total response of an individual to a unique set of circumstances.