Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women and Couples (30 page)

It's perfectly all right for you to stimulate your own genitals with fingers or a vibrator to help increase your arousal. In certain positions, especially side-byside, your partner can easily reach around and stroke your genitals while he's inside of you-but only if you both want that.

Either of you may stop at any time according to your agreement. Enjoy other erotic activities together, perhaps returning to intercourse later. When your partner withdraws his penis, he should hold the rim of the condom so it doesn't slip off. If you're using the Reality pouch, he can grasp the outer ring and remove the pouch with his penis, unless he might be re-entering later, in which case he can leave it in place, if possible. If you're a woman and you desire vaginal intercourse after anal intercourse, use another condom.

If this first attempt doesn't work as well as you'd hoped, accept any feelings of disappointment or frustration. It's important, however, that you don't give up on pleasuring each other. Quitting prematurely may leave a lingering feeling of failure, which may intensify your misgivings about trying again in the future. Acknowledge and appreciate the positive aspects of the experience such as: you enjoyed being in one or more positions for anal intercourse, it felt nice for a little while, you liked one or more of the positions before intercourse, or the anal touching felt good.

When anal intercourse becomes comfortable in one position, you'll probably be able to try other positions without difficulty. If, however, you find that some positions consistently don't work for you, don't be shy about letting that be known.

RESPONSE

THE SUCCESS of this approach depends on your willingness to be clear and direct in asking for what you want. Those who have the most trouble doing this often believe that nobody could possibly be interested in taking the time to truly listen and understand. Jerry lamented, "I don't think it's fair to ask my partner to go through this whole rigmarole just for me. Aren't I asking for an awful lot?" Jerry obviously felt that he wasn't worth any special time and consideration. Yet he'd tried a more rapid approach and found it didn't allow him sufficient time to relax and feel safe. He was convinced he had very few, if any, options.

Although Jerry initially denied it, he also felt a great deal of resentment toward his partner, who he perceived as impatient and judgmental. It took him several weeks to admit to his anger and how tense it was making him. Eventually he began taking more responsibility for his predicament, especially the fact that he was denying himself the attention he wanted because of his unwillingness to ask for and receive it. Jerry's doubts about his self-worth were quite persistent and didn't go away overnight. But as he took halting steps toward expressing his desires and concerns to his partner, he discoveredmuch to his surprise-that his partner actually wanted to be helpful, but wasn't sure how.

SENSATIONS. There are just a few sensations involved in anal intercourse that you haven't experienced before. You've already stimulated your anal opening many times, and also experienced the feel of your finger and soft objects inside your rectum. If a partner has inserted a butt plug into your rectum, you're familiar with what it's like for somebody else to control the movement, pressure and angle of entry-guided, of course, by your words and nonverbal cues. You're also acquainted with the sensations that occur during and after rectal stimulation.

One new sensation is the greater body contact with your partner that's usually an aspect of intercourse. Perhaps the body heat and weight turns you on. But it may also feel confining and make you uneasy. If so, you'll initially want to select a position that minimizes full body contact. Many people find that sitting over their partners gives them more control over motions, angles, and depth of penetration, and thus reduces sensations of being pinned down. Others report that the weight of a partner's body is highly arousing and makes them feel more secure and free. Some prefer to lie on their backs with their legs lifted up so that they can gaze into the eyes of their partner. Others, in contrast, find this position to be awkward and uncomfortable.

PREFERENCES. Becoming aware of your position preferences and assertively asking for them is extremely important. Many men and women find out that the primary reason for uncomfortable anal intercourse is that they feel obligated to do it in a particular way. For example, once Rose accepted that she didn't have to receive intercourse on her back, which she found "unaesthetic and humiliating," she was tremendously relieved. She enjoyed intercourse without any trouble in a side-by-side position. Incidentally, she also recognized that she disliked the "missionary position" for vaginal intercourse. She had gone along with this for years because she thought it was "natural." After several weeks of assertively refusing to accept this position, she could enjoy it occasionally as long as she wasn't obligated.

Other possible new sensations are those associated with the particular kind of pelvic thrusting used by your partner. Some men like to thrust quite vigorously during intercourse, and you may like this too-or not. It may be frightening or irritating. Maybe you'd rather start out slowly and pick up the pace somewhat as you get more turned on-or not. Tell your partner exactly how it is for you.

Talking openly about such matters often reveals surprises. For instance, some say that their partners automatically start thrusting vigorously and deeply. But when they talk about it, they're amazed to discover that neither of them derives maximum pleasure from such intense movements. Instead, their partners believe it's expected of them; their actions are based on pre-existing notions about anal intercourse rather than their own desires. Depictions of intercourse in porn, by the way, shape many people's ideas about what is expected.

Some people also get confused about the "proper" amount of time to engage in anal intercourse. Concerns about timing are very common manifestations of sexual performance anxiety. For instance, men often enter sex therapy feeling that they ejaculate "too fast" or "too slow" during vaginal or anal intercourse. When asked what makes them feel this way, the answer is usually founded on expectations that the partners have never even discussed. One man may consider fifteen minutes of stimulation prior to ejaculating to be "premature," while another feels that he should hurry up.

Likewise, those receiving anal intercourse show a wide variation in their desires and expectations-which often don't coincide-about timing. Some may enjoy receiving intercourse for only a few minutes, but tolerate much more, believing that they must continue "to the bitter end," as one client put it. Others want it for as long as possible. Rarely is either partner as rigid about timing as the other thinks. Occasionally, of course, either one may actually have rigid preferences. But it's certainly not unusual for partners to participate together in activities that each feels are expected, yet which neither is particularly enjoying.

People sometimes wonder what they ought be doing while receiving anal intercourse. Should you move around? If so, how much? Or should you lie perfectly still, acting as a passive receptacle? Here, too, preferences vary widely. Some prefer to be still during intercourse and concentrate all of their attention on the sensations; too much movement is a distraction. Others like to thrust their pelvises wildly and are actually far more animated than the inserter. These people, of course, are drawn to positions that allow maximum freedom of movement-usually side-by-side, on top, or doggie style.

Experiment with different ways of receiving intercourse, paying attention to what you actually like rather than what you're supposed to like. It also helps if you can transcend stereotypes about what constitutes passive and active roles, focusing instead on what brings pleasure to you both. Keep in mind that you will be genuinely receptive to your partner only to the extent that you're having a good time. The most pleasurable sexual experiences occur when neither partner feels compelled to do anything that he or she doesn't want to do. These are pleasure-oriented, playful encounters. Performance-oriented encounters, fraught with expectations and the prospect of failure, tend to be more work than fun.

A good example of this principle involves the use of voluntary muscle contractions during anal intercourse. Some people have heard or read about using rhythmic contractions to "milk" their partner's penis (vaginal contractions can have a similar effect). Consequently, men and women sometimes feel that they must be proficient at this in order to be adequate receivers. Actually, those who don't worry about these fine points appear to enjoy themselves a lot more than those who struggle to be perfect. Remember, anal contractions occur naturally as part of arousal and orgasm. Once you're comfortable receiving, you can then experiment with deliberately contracting your anal muscles in rhythm with your own or your partner's thrusts; this may enhance your own or his pleasure.

ORGASM. People often wonder if they should be able reach a climax while receiving intercourse. Masters and Johnson (1979) observed five gay male couples and seven straight ones having anal intercourse in the laboratory; each couple did it on two separate occasions. Women receivers reached orgasm on 11 of 14 occasions (including three instances of multiple orgasm). On the other hand, during 10 instances of male-male intercourse, only two of the receivers reached orgasm, and they were masturbating themselves at the same time.

Although I haven't made laboratory observations, I have gathered hundreds of self-reports from clients. These point to a similar trend: women are more likely than men to have orgasms from anal intercourse. Women in general seem to be more flexible in their orgasmic responses; some are even able to climax simply by fantasizing ("thinking off"). Some say that since men enjoy the advantage of prostate and penile bulb stimulation during anal intercourse, they ought to be orgasmic. However, earlier in this book we saw how women have just as many sources of pleasure anally.

The fact is that what feels good isn't necessarily what gets you off. In actual practice, most of my clients who orgasm from anal penetration, regardless of their gender, say that they combine intercourse with more direct clitoral or penile stimulation. I've also noticed that those who regularly include anal stimulation in their private masturbation sessions tend to be a bit more orgasmic during anal intercourse with a partner, but not necessarily. Not everyone feels a need to reach an orgasm during anal intercourse, although some believe this is expected.

Some receivers expressed disappointment when they couldn't exactly feel an ejaculation inside them, even if no condom was used. Because the rectal nerves respond mostly to pressure, and because so many other sensations are going on simultaneously, ejaculation will be felt subtly, if at all. A few people do report incredible rectal sensitivity. But in the vast majority of cases, the perception of ejaculation is probably fantasized in conjunction with other, more dramatic, signs of orgasm. Of course, if you're using a condom, you definitely won't feel your partner ejaculate, although you may be highly aroused by all the other signs that your partner is coming.

CONCERNS OF INSERTERS. Inserters in anal intercourse, especially men, have their own special concerns. Sometimes these concerns are ignored as attention is focused on the needs and feelings of the receiver. Even men who have actively pushed for anal intercourse may be considerably less than comfortable when the opportunity presents itself. Many inserters feel on the spot, not only pressured to get and maintain an erection, but also saddled with total responsibility for the success of the encounter. Sometimes the inserter feels so pressured that he'll try to avoid intercourse at the very moment when the receiver is eager to try. Some lose interest in sex altogether or try to shift the attention to other activities besides anal sex.

It helps a lot if the fears of the inserter can be sensitively discussed. But this may be easier said than done, since most men hate to acknowledge even the possibility of erection problems. In addition, if anal intercourse has previously been a point of contention, some inserters will feel a lingering resentmenta major enemy of cooperative communication. Non-defensive listening, compassionate understanding, and simple reassurances are the best anyone can offer to an anxious or resentful inserter.

UNEXPECTED EMOTIONS. It's also possible that one or both partners may secretly feel guilty about their past difficulties with anal intercourse. Tim, who consistently lost his erection whenever he attempted intercourse, finally realized, "I've nagged Bill about letting me fuck him for so long I just can't believe he really wants it now, even though he says he does. I can see how I made things really miserable for him." Not everyone is as honest as Tim. Frequently one partner doggedly clings to a blaming attitude toward the other. More often than not, this is a defensive cover-up for guilt or insecurity. The need for honest discussion is obvious here, but starting a productive one requires tact and courage.