Annie's Truth (Touch of Grace) (29 page)

Y
OU CAN TELL
me, Augustus. It’s been tough on all of us.” Hanna’s soft voice floated down the hall. Annie stepped slowly and then came to a stop when she heard her brother’s response.

“Eli says we shouldn’t talk about it.”

Annie heard the shuffle of his boots on the wood floor. She didn’t dare move, chancing the floor to creek.

“All right, then. I’ll tell you how I feel.”

Annie leaned to the side past the crack in the door to see Augustus shake his head. “Only if it’s good.”

It was strange how Hanna had changed to the opposite as before. It couldn’t all be about John for her to behave this way. As much as Hanna had hurt her, Annie still couldn’t accept that things would stay this way between them.

“Annie’s changed since she was
sod
, in the world. It’s full of deceitful things out there.”

Annie heard the bed springs squeak and pictured Hanna sitting next to Augustus giving him her distorted picture of what Annie had been through. Hanna couldn’t know if she’d changed; how could she without breaking her own personal bann that she alone had set between them? Even though she spoke when no one else was around, she apparently was adamant about rules now. Maybe she liked the roles reversed.

“Annie wouldn’t do them.” Augustus’s voice convicted her. He still saw Annie the way she was.

“When you get out there, you do and say things you never thought you would. It corrupts you. Remember that if someone shuns her.”

“Bishop didn’t say we had to.”

“He didn’t tell us not to either. Listen to your heart, Gus.”

It was so silent, Annie thought she’d been discovered, and her blood went cold. She decided to make herself known. “Hanna, can I speak with you?” she asked, walking to the door.

“Annie.” Augustus opened the door wide and walked up to her, giving her a fine hug. “Can we talk to you now?”

Hanna stared at Augustus as if he were now the enemy. “Gus, you go play.”

Augustus turned to Hanna. “Are you gonna talk to her?” He looked back to Annie. “She wants to talk to you.”

Hanna gave him a shove. “Go on, now.”

He stood in front of Annie.

She touched his shoulder. “This is something you don’t need to worry about, Augustus. I’ll be fine.”

Augustus half smiled and ran down the hall. “Walk,” Hanna yelled after him.

His boots clomped down the stairs, so loud in Annie’s ears it hurt. She waited for Hanna to speak.

“I don’t feel comfortable talking with you yet, Annie.”

“Then it’s personal, not the law.”

“In my opinion, Zeke said what should be done. And Omar is still deciding. So jah, I guess it’s a personal decision at this point.”

“Why were you okay with my leaving before I left?”

Hanna dropped her arms. “A lot has happened since then. It was not acceptable for you to leave without permission. You knew you were breaking the laws when you left. Did you really think all would be forgotten? Why? Just because you’re Annie Beiler? When it comes to the law, there is no exception.”

“You participated in
rumspringa
.” Annie hoped to humble Hanna by remembering that she had experienced things that the outside world does—more so than Annie had in the many weeks she’d been gone.

Hanna had been one to take full advantage of the freedom the order gave the teenagers before baptism, one of which is a party held in one of the teenagers’ barns to socialize. But there was always more—alcohol, driving, and couples alone together. Others left the community for a while, and sometimes they didn’t come back.

Hanna would come to Annie, who was usually with John, and confess her experiences to her. Most times it was a situation she’d gotten herself into with a boy—any boy—to earn his affection.

“How can you compare the two? Our parents all know and condone
rumspringa
. They don’t condone living out of the community.”

“This won’t get us anywhere, Hanna, and it isn’t what I wanted to talk with you about.” Even Hanna’s eyes were different. Or maybe it was just the way she looked at Annie. “I want to know that when this is over, we can be sisters again.”

Hanna grunted. “We’re still sisters.”

“Not like we were. I want that back again, Hanna.”

“Can you accept John and me together and still be close to me?”

A pain went through Annie’s chest. Who was this person in front of her? She knew her only choice was to be patient, to wait for her sister to get over the time away from each other. “This isn’t about John. It’s about us.”

Hanna let out a forced laugh. “Everything’s about John. And that I have taken on the responsibilities of the oldest child in this house—a duty you deserted.”

Annie heaved a sigh. “I didn’t leave anyone any duties or relationships.” She lifted her palms up. “Why is this about everyone else? Don’t you want to know about my birth mother?”

Hanna squinted. “You’re so hurtful. Your mamm is downstairs in the kitchen. Not out there.” She pointed to the nearest window. “Don’t you see what you’ve done to her…to us?”

Whether her words were true or not, Annie couldn’t bear hearing them. As she looked into the eyes of the one with whom she used to share her soul, Annie wanted to scream or cry, wishing that person were still there.

She turned and walked down the stairs, hearing again a conversation she didn’t feel comfortable listening to. It was in the way they talked, as if they knew their words were lethal but were compelled to say them anyway.

Annie watched Mamm wash potatoes in the sink as Samuel crunched on a sugar cookie. “Why do people still act funny?” he questioned.

Mamm twisted slightly toward him. “These things take time, Samuel.”

As Annie rounded the corner, she joined Samuel sitting at the table with Thomas. He just smiled. Samuel always smiled because he didn’t like to talk. He listened and took it all in, sometimes talking with Annie, asking her questions about people’s behaviors he didn’t understand.

Annie reached over, stealing one of his cookies, making him grin again. Mamm watched and slowly smiled.

“Are you still in trouble, Annie?” A milk mustache lingered on Thomas’s upper lip, lifting Annie’s spirits. She’d missed this. She glanced at Mamm, who continued to prepare the potatoes as if Annie weren’t there. So Annie would act like she wasn’t when she answered him.

“I think Bishop has shown mercy on me, Thomas.”

“That means he forgives you?” Thomas ran his sleeve across his upper lip.

Annie could feel the swing of his legs under the table, almost kicking her. “It means compassion, kindness.”

Mamm lifted her head to look out the window over the sink. “Thomas, Samuel, finish up and do your evening chores.” She ran the knife blade over the potato skins, dropping the strips in the sink. Each stroke was harder than the next. “Annie, were those words directed toward me?”

“I didn’t mean for them to be.” Annie could hardly breathe. She’d longed for her mamm’s words even more than Hanna’s. Her mamm’s understanding was more important than anyone’s.

“Your leaving changed everything, Annie.” She cut her hand but continued to peel. “Nothing’s as it should be.” A trickle of blood trailed down the side of the sink. “Your dawdi is gone. Mammi’s alone, wants no visitors. Your daed has become even more silent than before, what with you and his daed gone.”

Annie became distracted with the cut, staring at the red line streaming into the drain. “Do you think my leaving would have prevented those things?”

“Maybe, but one thing I know is John wouldn’t be with Hanna. She’s made a terrible mess of things with David. Now I wonder if my daughters will marry at all. It’s not as it should be.”

“You can’t blame me for all of those things. And does anyone care what I went through?”

Mamm finally turned to see her. “It was your choice to leave. Not ours.”

Annie shook her head. “I didn’t break the
ordung,
and even if I did, it’s our traditions, not a set of rules.”

Mamm’s eyes glazed. “You found her?”

“Jah.”

“Was she who you thought she would be?” Mamm’s glassy eyes stared aimlessly into Annie’s.

Annie bent her head to look away from her mamm’s haunting eyes. “She was nothing like I thought she would be.” This being true to her, Annie knew it would be interpreted differently to her Mamm. She chose to let this be, for both their sakes.

Mamm placed a blood-stained potato on the counter and took another. Annie couldn’t watch any longer and walked to the sink, taking the knife from her. She stared at her mamm. Mamm dropped her hands as Annie cleaned the vegetables and counter. She held a towel to Mamm’s cut in silence. There would be no mercy from Mamm—not yet.

 
Chapter Thirty-Two
 

T
HE NEXT FEW
days were spent tending to the chores. Physical labor was the only thing that helped Annie push the worries away. It was a little better with her family, all but Hanna and Mamm. Others addressed her as usual, but she also heard whispers when she turned her back.

Annie wiped the cow’s teats with a newspaper in preparation for milking and then held the suction cups to each. The machine ran on a generator. The hum and slush of the milk being pulled through the cups then letting up created a familiar and comforting rhythm.

The reassuring melody ended at the sight of Hanna. She made her way through the line of Guernsey cattle. She had taken advantage of Annie’s eagerness to do the chores that Hanna used to do, claiming she’d done them for Annie during her absence. “When you’re finished, why don’t you come with me to singing?”

Annie looked into those stunning blue eyes and knew better. “I won’t be done in time to get ready.” She went back to the front of the line, taking off the equipment she had just attached to the last heifer.

“You look fine.”

Annie paused, leery of Hanna’s motives, but wondering whether it was wise to refuse the gesture. Hanna was talking to her and making the effort. If she was up to something, it would be her burden to bear.

“Jah, I’ll go.”

Hanna smiled. Annie thought it was a victory smile but then realized she was mocking her. “I haven’t heard you speak much Deitsch since you’ve been home. Did they squelch that out of you, too?”

“What do you mean
too
?”

“Your place here is gone, as well.”

Annie hadn’t wanted to punch anyone ever before. But right there and then her desire to do so was great.
Gott forgive me.

“I know you don’t like to hear the truth, but we are to gently rebuke one another.”

“Gently, jah.” Annie held her ground, tired of Hanna’s ways.

“I’ll gather the others. Then I will be ready to go.”

As Hanna turned away, Annie realized who she reminded her of. Essie. But now she felt she might appreciate Essie more.

John drove up in his buggy with David next to him. Hanna all but skipped out to the buggy and greeted them, then moved in behind into the jump seat. Annie felt awkward going with the two men Hanna had her eyes on.

Who is with whom?