Are We Live? (3 page)
Authors: Marion Appleby
When you’re in a tense situation, sometimes your brain goes into anxiety mode:
What if my hand does that funny, flappy thing? What if my leg won’t stop jigging up and down? Oh, God, OH, GOD, what if I fart?
Make no mistake – this is not idle paranoia. People really do fart on live television. And throw up. And sometimes they even wee. But that’s mostly the animals.
Two things it’s best not to combine: copious amounts of alcohol and live television. It will only end in disaster.
‘[While] doing a piece to camera on the Greek island where
Shirley Valentine
was filmed …we grabbed a bottle of retsina as a prop and off we went. The only problem was that each take was spoiled by something …But each time I had already taken a slug of retsina needed for the shot. Eventually, it was just me cocking up. I had to be helped off the beach.’
Former
GMTV
breakfast show host Penny Smith
on the perils of drinking on camera
‘If it weren’t for the fact that the TV set and refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn’t get any exercise at all.’
COMEDIAN
JOEY
ADAMS
Reality TV show
The Club
– in which three celebrities were each given control of a bar in a London club – aired in the UK in 2003 for just six weeks. In that short time it still provided us with one of TV’s most uncomfortable moments: a clearly drunk veteran glamour model Samantha Fox (who also happened to be dressed up as a vampire) vehemently denying her state of intoxication during a live interview with her on-screen employee Steve.
Wide-eyed and slurring her words, Fox’s defence to the accusation that she was drunk was that she’s an actress playing the part of a drunk – ‘I don’t need to be drunk to be like this. I’m like this at nine a clock in the morning!’ Just a few moments later she called Steve ‘an arsehole’ and claimed, ‘I don’t even drink.’ Her clearly incensed employee then proclaimed, ‘[You] lying cow …I’ve served you drinks!’ Despite Steve’s trump card, Fox still managed to grab the last word to Steve: ‘It’s a shame about your little knob, innit?’
The myths of live broadcast debunked
Erik Hartman, the host of a Flemish daytime talk show, was once unable to continue interviewing his guests due to a massive fit of the giggles during a discussion on ‘medical mistakes’. Hartman’s laughing fit appeared to have been provoked by two vocally challenged guests: the first of whom had an incredibly high-pitched voice caused by a recent, botched tonsillectomy; the second of whom sported a low, robotic voice due to his use of an electronic speech device that had been fitted after a laryngectomy.
However, despite over 10 million hits on YouTube and an outing on
The Tonight Show with Jay Leno
, the chat show was in fact faked. The sketch had been created for satirical sketch show
In De Gloria
, and the corpsing talk show host was actually played by comedian and actor Tom Van Dyck.
Everything could be going smoothly – the autocue’s working perfectly, the guests have been a dream …but then the uncontrollable happens: your wardrobe malfunctions.
‘Time has convinced me of one thing: television is for appearing on, not looking at.’
NOËL
COWARD
Former hosts of ITV’s flagship daytime television show
This Morning
, Richard Madeley and Judy Finnigan, managed an amazing wardrobe fail in 2000 when they collected the award for Most Popular Daytime Programme at the National Television Awards.
The problem began when Judy ascended the podium with her dress half-mast, leaving her well-upholstered breasts on show. Taking their statuettes from presenter Les Dennis, the couple turned to face the front, whereupon a full view of Finnigan’s bra was finally exposed, to mounting cries from the audience. Sadly, Madeley mistook the hoots and squeals for requests for him to perform his (substandard) Ali G impression. It makes for an unbearable watch.
Here’s how it went down:
Richard:
No, I’m not doing it, I’m not doing it.
Judy:
[Adjusting her jacket – she’s clearly feeling a bit chilly, but doesn’t yet realize why.] The real one’s [Ali G] here!
[Audience roars, at which point someone races up to the podium to adjust Judy’s top. Both she and Richard then realize their mistake.]
Judy:
Ohhhh!
Richard:
It’s OK, they’ll cut it out! They’ll never show it!
Judy:
It’s live!
Rapper Nicki Minaj suffered an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction while performing live on
Good Morning America.
During a lively performance of her latest single, Minaj accidentally exposed her left nipple. Despite the recording’s five-second delay, Nicki’s bits were broadcast to the entire nation. Oops!
Sex, sex, sex: it makes the world go round. Even live TV can’t seem to get enough of it!
Male anchor:
And we’ve the latest on the Labour MP thrown out of Parliament after fiddling her erection expenses. [Notices female anchor staring at him.] Did I say erection? I did, didn’t I?
BBC
Look North
