Are We Live? (7 page)

The pair originally called the actor to interview him for their show, but, when he failed to answer, Ross decided instead to tell Sachs’s machine that Brand had ‘fucked [his] granddaughter’. Brand followed with the equally regrettable, ‘It was consensual and she wasn’t menstrual.’ Silly, silly boys.

‘Actives’ is an industry term for radio listeners who contact shows to request songs, participate in debates, or just to have a chat with the DJ. But perhaps it’s time to coin a new phrase, ‘bad actives’, to describe a DJ’s worst nightmare – the uncontrollable, mad or really stupid guest.

This caller to an Australian radio station – that was running a competition to win a motorbike to celebrate the release of a new AC/DC album – wasn’t the sharpest tool in the box.

DJ #1:
  Hello. What’s your name?

Caller:
  Mark!

DJ #1:
  Now, listen, Mark, do you like AC/DC?

Mark:
  Yeeeees.

DJ #1:
  And, do you have a motorcycle licence?

Mark:
  No. But I’ll get one if I win it! I’m gonna win it.

DJ #1:
  Good, good. I like that confidence. Well, look, I have to ask you a question before I put your name in the draw.

Mark:
  OK …

DJ #1:
  Mark, spell ‘AC/DC’.

Mark:
  AD …AC.

DJ #1:
  Um, I’m going to ask you again. How do you spell ‘AC/DC’?

Mark:
  A …D …AC!

DJ #1:
  Mark, I’ll kill you in a minute.

DJ #2:
  Mark. One more time. How do you spell ‘AC/DC’?

[Silence.]

DJ #1:
  SPELL ‘AC/DC’!

Mark:
  How to spell …A …D …D …C?

[Sound of giggling.]

Mark:
  A …AD …A …I’m getting this all wrong!

DJ #1:
  Mark, you’re getting it
seriously
wrong. JUST SPELL ‘AC/DC’!

Mark:
  AD/DC!

DJ #1:
  AAAAAAARGH, YOU IDIOT, IT’S AC/DC!

Mark:
  AD/DC.

DJ #1:
  LOOK. A …C …D …C. Just. Say. That.

Mark:
  AC/DC.

DJ #1 & 2:
  YEEEEEAAAASSSS!

DJ #1:
  Mark, it wasn’t that hard!

DJ #2:
  OK, Mark, we’re gonna give you a copy of your favourite AC/DC album. Do you have a favourite album?

Mark:
  Uhhhh, anything by AD/DC is good.

[Sound of DJs in fits of giggles.]

Mark:
  Oh, I’ll get it right one of these days!

Triple M Radio, Australia

In September 2011, irate radio listener Jonathan from Swansea called in to talkSPORT to tell late-night DJ Matt Forde exactly what he – and, according to his estimates, 99 per cent of the station’s listeners – thought of him.

During a seven-minute rant, Jonathan accused Matt of the following:

  ‘You are a talentless liar, a shameless sycophantic sell-out with a jelly spine and a mush mind.’

  ‘You even lied about being mugged just to gain sympathy.’

  ‘You hate Western civilization.’

  ‘
You’re
the reason why we had the [UK summer 2011] riots.’

Matt held his own and, amidst hysterical giggles, managed to muster the following golden comeback: ‘Jonathan, you’ve swallowed the Internet!’

During a phone-in to discuss the issue of obesity, Radio 2’s Jeremy Vine unwittingly pitched size-eighteen Alison against straight-talking Steve. After Jeremy asked, ‘Is it time to stigmatize being fat?’ the following exchange took place:

Steve:
  It’s galling when people are travelling on low-cost airlines and you’re in a queue with an enormously obese person who, God forbid, you’re sitting next to.

Alison:
  I cannot believe that I’m hearing this.

Steve:
  You don’t want to hear it because you’re overweight and you’re selfish.

April 2011’s Royal Wedding extravaganza between handsome Prince William and bonny Catherine Middleton drew in crowds from across the globe …apart from poor Melvin from Milton Keynes. He wasn’t very happy about the nuptials. Not very happy at all.

During a call to Jonathan Vernon-Smith’s show on the UK’s Three Counties Radio, Melvin professed the following:

  ‘I feel like I wanna kill myself. I am so sick of it. I mean, what is the point?’

  ‘It’s going to be like the night of the living dead. All the zombie-like creatures coming out, going, “OoooooOOOOoo! Lovely Royal Wedding!”’

As if to hammer home his dissatisfaction, Melvin finished with, ‘Royal Wedding, Royal Wedding, ROYAL WEDDING. I tell you, I’m bloody FED UP!’ before hanging up.