Arizona Allspice (25 page)

My world really shattered when Miss
Marna
passed away. My first thought was Mr. Roberts had done something to her and I was very prepared to do something to him in return. But, it wasn’t him. It was me. The way I treated her…I put extra stress on her. She was desperate for me to keep her secret and I just led her to believe I would tell her kids. I wasn’t going to. I wanted Miss
Marna
to finally ask me to help her get out of the situation. Instead, she wanted me to help her stay in it. I was upset. I ignored the notes she left outside my window. I watched her crying. I saw her begging. I did nothing. No wonder her heart couldn’t take it. It felt like mine couldn’t take it anymore either. When I learned the news of her passing, the earth stood still and all my hope evaporated into the atmosphere.

I couldn’t get out of my bed the day of the funeral so my mom, of course, was worried. I tried to tell Mom the whole story starting from the first year, but I wasn’t really in my right mind. I could only articulate bits and pieces of it. After crying with me for a moment, she recommended I stay away from Elaine and the rest of Miss
Marna’s
family. It wasn’t healthy that I was blaming myself, she said. She was right. I wasn’t healthy. My mind wasn’t right. Something had broken. I asked for it to happen, didn’t I? I wanted her kids to know about their father, right? They knew now, and they would know forever that their dad was sick and their mother was dead.

 I should have shut my mouth. Just like the rent thing that happened, I should have minded my own damn business. When I was able, I visited Miss
Marna’s
grave and I gave her my word that I would stay out of her family’s life. Thinking back, I started sabotaging myself.  When I got a job at
PiCo
, the way I was destroying their property was a repeated request to be fired. I sabotaged the wins of
Las
Chupasangres
and the friendship I had with my teammates. Guess I didn’t want to feel like my life was going along any better than Elaine’s and Manny’s. They weren’t going off to college either and they were the only two people in town other than Mario who had the merit.

Finally, Year Five, the year I’m at now. Five years is a long ride. At the beginning of this year I had been bounced around to five different departments at the factory. After a particularly big meltdown involving a blowtorch I was placed on a probation period working on the Pony Express. I was in charge of getting the letters and packages from the postal services and getting them to their rightful departments at
PiCo
. I was doing well. Soccer was going well, except for when we played the
Tormentas
. They were always just a little bit better than our team, I reasoned. It had nothing to do with me hating Raul with a passion for still dating Elaine for two years and counting. No, because I’d completely and successfully erased those feelings when Miss
Marna
passed away. Sure I did.

Suddenly, one night I had a dream. It is a rare occurrence that I remember any of my dreams when I wake up. I don’t think I can call it a dream. It changed everything. It was a message. Everything was so vivid and felt so real. I was at a funeral. They were lowering the casket into the earth and I was standing amongst the crowd of mourners. Dreaming about Miss
Marna’s
funeral wasn’t a nightmare in itself. For me it was a subconscious release. There was so much guilt over why I missed her actual funeral. In the dream I wore a new black suit and new black shoes and I could honor her respectfully. Someone’s arm was hooked in mine and they were giving it a sympathetic squeeze. I couldn’t take my teary eyes away from the casket. As the closed casket lowered further I saw the name on the marble headstone:
Elaine Frankie Roberts
.  

The wind was knocked out of me. My insides quivered. It felt like my legs were going to give out and I would fall to my knees, but that person beside me gripped my arm and pulled up when I started to dip and I was able to stand firm. My eyes were clenched tight as I tried to gain control of my grief. I wondered if I was the one that killed her. “Joey, don’t you blame yourself. Do you hear me?” It was hard to hear the person’s voice above the pulsing in my ears.  I knew it was a woman’s voice. My mom, I figured. “Look at me,” she asked. I wiped at my eyes and blinked them open. I turned my head to see that Miss
Marna
was the one comforting me. “I’m sorry,” I managed to tell to her. She smiled sadly up at me. “You loved my baby didn’t you?” I nodded. “Then take good care of her.”

I looked into her brown eyes and I was reminded of Elaine’s eyes. Sorrow started flooding over me and I glanced back at the coffin lowering and the inscription on the grave marker.
Marna
Elaine Roberts
, it now read
.
I gaped at it confused. Then I felt the grip on my arm tighten.  I glance over and it is Elaine, crying and hanging on to me. It’s really Miss
Marna’s
funeral and Elaine needs me and I’m right there for her. Tears are streaming down her face as she looks up at me and she’s still beautiful. Her eyes are brown jewels and her lips are achingly soft. I take Elaine’s warm hand and remove it from my arm so that I can hug her to me. She buries her face into my neck and grips the sides of my jacket with her hands and I hold her close like I always wanted to. I woke up from that dream with the warm sensation of her against me lingering. I got to work that morning in a daze and delivered the mail as usual to all the departments.

The next day I went to work, and as I was sorting the mail I came across a large envelope addressed to Manny from Pasadena, California; from California Institute of Technology. I am smart enough to put two and two together. Manny was still interested in Caltech and he wanted to keep it a secret. Otherwise he’d have his mail come to the house. A dangerous idea began to form.

For a few days I struggled with my idea. If I went to Manny with it, then wasn’t that breaking my promise to Miss
Marna
?
The one about minding my business and staying out of her family’s life?
But there is no such thing as coincidences. Using every scrap of courage I could find I talked to Manny on his lunch break. The whole time I was talking I was thinking I shouldn’t be doing
this,
something bad will come of this. But the dream…So I asked him, “What’s Elaine’s middle name?” He told me it was Frankie, after her uncle, and I almost hugged the guy. How could my own mind possibly make Elaine’s accurate full name appear on the headstone in my dream when I hadn’t known her middle name before? It was no
dream,
it was a message straight from Miss
Marna
. It was permission. I kept the dream to myself as Manny and I came to an arrangement and actually became good friends in the process. We would work together and complete our supreme task by August. We didn’t have any longer than that.

 It’s May now. The August deadline is three months away. Both of us are feeling the pressure. That’s why we argue so much. We’re just always trying to twist one another’s head on straight and encourage each other. I told Manny I was curious to know what Elaine was writing now-a-days. The next thing I knew he was sneaking Elaine’s journal to me. I fear for his life and mine if she ever finds out.  I love every little story she writes, every little blurb, and knew my favorite lines by heart. Lines like, “The crowd cheered proudly, but he cried bloodied tears knowing the stained axe had ricocheted to cut away his innocence,” and
“Who can love you, if your horror is your own freckled marrow?”
and “The meanest souls were angriest with themselves.” It felt likethis is so sappylike Elaine had her hand right over my heart as she was writing and penned my heartbeat onto the page. Mostly she wrote fantasy which is a genre I would normally walk right past in a bookstore. Her writing cured me of that aversion.

I learned some interesting facts talking to Manny. Sometimes he told me more than he should have. For instance, the fact that Elaine is still a virgin sort of slipped out of his mouth one day. I just saw Elaine as more perfect and I was a tad less disgusted with Raul. Don’t get me wrong. I was
spittin
’ mad when our team lost to his, but I committed significantly less misconduct during the game once I knew that. Easing up on Raul only lasted a week or so because then I found out he’d said he wanted to marry her! No way would she leave him if she truly thought they were getting married! That’s what almost every girl wants: A wedding day. Then I found out he hadn’t become some upstanding gentleman defending Elaine’s honor. He was
cheating
on her and she was
allowing
it! I made it my duty to bruise the guy’s shins whenever possible.

Manny had my back, Elaine despised me, and Raul was with her: The good, the bad, and the ugly.

I roll all the way over in bed, onto my stomach, and rest my chin onto my fist.

I never thought Elaine would leave Raul in time. My wish has come true. Now what? I need to remind myself of why I was fighting, why I need to stay focused and not
trip
myself up. I reach out my hand and click on the lamp, then pull out my journal from between my mattresses. I find a pen lying around, scribble the date on the next available page and write my first poem in two years. It said all the things I hope to say to her one day.

5/21/2011

So many little things about you

They add up to one big thing

That pushes the smile out from behind my heart.

Used to be that big thing about you

Made me feel small, like

My offering would never be enough

For a girl like you, as beautiful as you.

And that my problems I tried to make little

Would always be too big of a thing

To burden you with.
Day after day

I tried not to think of him with you.

I held a lot back, trying to do the right thing

By letting
him
reveal himself to you.

It’s crazy, trying hard not to disappoint you

Knowing you misunderstand and even

Despise me anyways. All because

I’m holding out for the day when I say it all to you,

And you can look back and see
I
always,

Will always, think of you first.

So many times I tried to forget you and never could.

At last I see why I never quite gave up.

Yesterday you saw the truth and left that person

Who hurt
you.
Damn him, I knew he would.

I can step in now, I have another chance.

So you can learn all the little things about me

And maybe you’d love them like I love you

And I’d never have to hide anything

because
my heart would be so full

Nothing could hide behind it.

******

“God in heaven, you are light, you are love, and you are forgiveness. I am unable to forgive myself so I ask for
Your
mercy. I’m not asking
You
to spare me any punishment. Let
Your
will be done. I pray that
You
have mercy on my family. May Joey have good health and my dad and my sister be kept safe in
Your
arms, God. They need
You
more than I do. They are living every day in the face of my consequences while I sit here sheltered from the sight of the pain I’ve caused, from their disappointed faces, from the sight of Joey laying in a hospital bed, from the hurt in his mother’s eyes. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. I want to change it so badly. I want to go back and change it, but all I can do is pray. Give peace to my fitful mind.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.