Arizona Allspice (26 page)

“Mom, if you can hear me up in heaven, I miss you every day and I hope you can forgive me, too. When you left I was supposed to use those lessons of kindness, respect, and restraint that you raised me with to be the man of the house. I fell and pulled the family down with me. I knew better.
Like you always said, ‘If you know better, then do better.’
Momma, Joey told me you were one of the strongest people he’s ever known. I hope I can find half the strength inside me that you had.”

******

“Let me bring that over for you. You don’t need to maneuver through this field.” I smile up at Elaine as she stands on the steps at her back door with a bag of Doritos and a six pack in her hands. I can’t tell if my breathing is weird because I’d just been running or if I’m being dorky and excited to see her. She’s wearing her well-fitting jeans and a shirt with a vest over it and her glasses on and her hair up in a bun like she’s done for the four and a half years I’ve known her and I’ve never been bored with her wardrobe.
Although, I wouldn’t mind if she let her hair down.
I’ve always wondered how it would frame her face, fall across her cheek,
brush
against her neck.

“Thanks. I thought you guys might be thirsty or something. So…here you go.” She holds the thoughtful provisions out to me.

“We appreciate it, Laney.”  As I take the chips and beer from her hands, my fingers brush against hers. “See you later.” I smile then spin around and start jogging back to the makeshift firing range that Manny and I have set up. A small laugh pops out of my mouth as I head towards Manny, careful to hop over the rocks hidden in the grass. She didn’t correct me for being familiar and using her nickname, Laney, and that makes me feel so
freakin
’ hopeful I contemplate running back towards her.

Then Elaine is standing over me and her hair is down. I must be dreaming. Now I don’t have to wait until she comes out of her shell to see what her hair would look like down. It’s soft, jet black and shiny and it falls past her shoulders. It’s just how I imagined it would be. Yeah, since it is
my
dream it would look the way I want it to. I don’t want Elaine to be sad in this dream. I want her to be happy. She looks scared and she won’t look me in the eye. Please smile at me Dream Elaine.

What kind of lousy dream is this?

“Elaine?” Her eyes meet mine and they are big, brown and watery behind her glasses.

I want to wake up now. I don’t like this.

I hear the all too familiar sound of my mother’s crying. I quickly turn my head to find my mom standing on the right side of my bed. I feel a shooting pain in my head from the motion of turning it, like I’ve been under a jackhammer. I feel her squeezing my hand. I want to wake up now, but I feel my heart trying to beat out of my chest. I
feel
the throbbing ache in my skull, Mom squeezing my hand and crying, so many pairs of eyes on me, a man in a white coat, he’s a doctor, and those are nurses, and this is a hospital bed, I’m awake, I’m in the hospital, there’s something really wrong, Elaine is crying. God…

“Joseph, baby. Just take a deep breath.”

I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I don’t want to see. I don’t want to feel. I hear Elaine’s voice“Joey?”and in a matter of seconds I’ve pushed everything down. I open my eyes to focus on her. I am trying to ignore the fact that my whole body feels foreign to me. Elaine is going to ask me something. She needs me. I can hear it her voice. I’m good at being useful. It’s my one strength. 

“Manny is in jail.”  

He’s been arrested? What for? He’s Mahatma Gandhi compared to a lot of guys. He doesn’t look for trouble. Trouble must have come to him. Maybe Raul came back to start something because Manny told Elaine what he’d said.

“Raul showed up didn’t he?”

“Well, yes.”

I should have mopped the floor with him at that convenience store.

“Joey, I wanted to know if you would give the police your statement. If you told them this was an accident, Manny could come home,” her voice shakes.

“Of course I will.” Her wet eyes widen a little before she gives me a big smile. Why is she shocked? Did she really think that I’m so mean I wouldn’t help get her brother out of jail? I hope she doesn’t think that now. Even though my head is killing me and I feel woozy, I want to sit up, but my arms start trembling when I try to. They’re trembling so badly I can’t push my upper body up from the bed. I give up and lay back down. My leg muscles feel stiff and painful. I’m itching to stretch them out but I’m too tired to do more than shift them around under the covers.

“You’re okay? You can move your legs and your arms?” Mom says excitedly.

I nod.
“A little.
I just feel tired, Mom.” She surprises me with happy wet kisses all over my cheek and then kisses my hand on top of that. I’m worried at how ecstatic she is over the fact I can move my arms and legsWhat happened to me
?
and embarrassed over her display of affection. I glance at Elaine who gives me a shy smile, then at the doctor and nurses who simply stare, and then bring my attention back to my mother. “Mom,” I complain.

“Just because your girlfriend’s standing here, now you’re ashamed of your Momma’s kisses?”

“Girlfriend?”
Elaine looks just as shocked at my mom as I am. I feel my cheeks get hot. “Mom, don’t say that. You’re embarrassing
her
now.”

“Hey, I should be the one angry with you. Don’t you know that I love you and you can tell me anything? I thought you told me everything,” she says sad-eyed.

“I do, Mom. You know I always try to talk to you first.” I squeeze her hand.

“You’ve been dating this young lady for months and didn’t utter a word to me about it Joey. Why?”

Is she crazy or am I? And Elaine isn’t protesting. She’s quietly chewing on her bottom lip and looking down at her hands.

“Maybe you don’t remember. The doctor said that could happen.”

“I don’t remember?” I say skeptically. I remember a few months ago very clearly. I might not remember how and why I’m in a hospital bed right now, but I know Elaine is not my girlfriend.
Unfortunately.
How cruel would that be if we’d been dating and I couldn’t remember our first date or our first kiss? “No. I’d remember something like”

“Maybe I can jog his memory, Miss Kinsley.”

Elaine gazes into me. Her brown eyes silently convey she needs my help and unintentionally tell me she’s afraid. What else do you want from me, Elaine? I’ll give you everything. Whoa, what is she doing? She’s moving her face closer to mine. Is she gonna kiss me? I want her to, but my mouth feels disgusting right now. When did she get that scar on her lip?

This is an alternate reality. Nothing makes sense, everyone is similar, but with different hairstyles and scars and she wants to kiss me when she couldn’t stand me before. We were dating for
months
. I can’t remember any of it. I want to remember. She’s leaning over the railing of the bed. Now she’s inches away. She glances at my mouth and my heart races, but then her eyes trail over to the side of my face. Maybe she’ll give me a peck on the cheek. Her face is beside mine, her cheek an inch from mine. I can’t see her eyes anymore, but the side of her neck is near and I can see the sweet brown skin. I can’t think at all when I finally feel her warm breath at my ear. I close my eyes as her voice whispers to me, “I need you to play along. Pretend we’ve been dating. Please. I’ll explain later.”

Happy?
Hurt?  I don’t know which I feel the most. I know I feel both. I guess there’s always some hurt on the way to happiness. I was right. We aren’t dating, but we have to pretend we are. A voice inside me says dreaming or playing pretend would be the only way Elaine would get close to me. Another part of me says this is an opportunity. She needs me for something and this something includes me being her boyfriend for a while, so if I have any common sense at all I shouldn’t complain. I feel cold air at my cheek and open my eyes to see Elaine standing over the bed. She’s nervous waiting for my reaction. I know that if she was sitting down right now her knee would be bouncing up and down like crazy. I know that. But she doesn’t know me. This may be my only chance for her to get to know me. I smile up at her. “Yes. I remember us.”

 She smiles and sighs, relieved. She crosses her arms, rests them on the railing and cradles her chin on them. She just admires me with a smile.
Pretends to admire me.
I lift my hand, which still trembles from the weakness in my bicep, and I move it to wipe away a stray tear but I misjudge where she is somehow and I end up swiping air. Confusion from my error lasts only a moment, as she then grasps my outstretched hand in hers and presses her warm cheek against it. She mouths ‘Thank you’ and I glide the pad of my thumb along her cheek. Her eyes register some surprise at the action and she looks down at the bed shyly. She takes my hand away and places it back down on the bed, because she doesn’t really want me to touch her. She’s pretending.

Who are we pretending for anyways? I glance at my mother and she smiles and pats my hand. I look at the other people posted in my hospital room. The doctor and two nurses are standing off to the side staring at me and it’s getting annoying. I’m suddenly ticked off. Not pretending, I glare at the hippie-looking doctor with the beard and ponytail and finally he speaks.

“Joey, I’m Dr. Rice,” he walks to the side of my bed and I struggle to sit up again. “I know it’s uncomfortable to have us standing around and watching you. I wanted you to be comforted when you woke up. Have a calm talk with people who love you before I got to the serious talk. Joey, you’ve been in a coma for about five days now.”

“A coma?”
I sink back into the bed.

“I see you’d like to sit up. Nurse Jessica, could you adjust the bed for him please? You suffered a trauma to the head and we had to perform surgery to repair some fractured skull. Now, your brain was swelling so we induced a coma in order for you to rest and your metabolism to slow, all this to prevent damage.”

As he mentions all of this I feel my headache get more intense. Nurse Jessica pushes some buttons by my bed and the bed slants forward so I am sitting up. I watch her wink playfully at Elaine and Elaine gives a small wave back to her. They seem to know each other and I wonder if Elaine was around while I was sleeping. Elaine focuses back on what Dr. Rice is saying and I follow.

“So part of me observing you so intently earlier was to watch for any signs of brain damage. You’re speech and language skills seem great. You’re able to move your head from side to side, no stiffness in the neck, and you have been moving your limbs so that’s a good sign, but I do see some things that I’ll need the physiatrist to look at. He’ll go through some exercises and tests with you and we’ll see where you stand. Okay?” I nod in response. “Okay, I’ll leave you here for a moment and call Dr. Norton in.” He smiles a comforting smile and saunters out the door. The nurses check monitors and give some pleasantries and leave as well. Elaine, Mom and I are left in the room. Mom is sitting in the chair by my bed and Elaine is now standing far away at the foot of my bed.

“Miss Kinsley, is it alright if I step outside and make a phone call? I want to let the police know Joey is awake.” My mom nods blankly. “I’ll be back, Joey,” she says without looking at me. Then she walks out and closes the door behind her. Mom gets up from her seat and says, “Now that your girlfriend is gone…May I?” I laugh and nod. She hugs me, gives me a ton of kisses on the cheek and the forehead, and rocks me side to side in her arms happily, calling me her “Baby,” “Sweetie,” and “
Kangy
,” short for kangaroo. She’s the only one who calls me that and I only allow her to call me that during extreme circumstances such as awakening from a coma. A baby kangaroo is called a joey and since I was always high energy and jumping around as a kid she nicknamed me
Kangy
. I don’t like her to call me that because it reminds me of the time before she married Mason, when it was just her and I. Brings up too many memories.