Arizona Allspice (28 page)

But we’re not together anymore. And there’s a good reason for that. Still, I miss him. I hear the telephone ring. I ignore it and let Uncle Frank pick it up. I’m too busy feeling sorry for myself and making the characters in my writings
suffer
my pain. When Miss Kinsley told me that Joey didn’t want to see me it dug up the familiar roots of rejection. The seed was planted the summer before my first year of high school. My friendsMarisol,
Ariella
, Deniseand Manny’s good friendsJesse and Claudestarted feeling the pressure to meet the high school standards and be accepted by the popular cliques. We’d go out to Tucson to the mall and the things my friends used to think were “cute” were now “lame”. “Oh
my gosh
, Elaine! Those are hideous! Are you
trying
to look like a nerd? Do you
want
to embarrass yourself?” I bought those glasses anyway. I thought it was cool that a person could express themselves by wearing eyeglasses even if they have good eyesight.

It became imperative that any signs we were ever in middle school be destroyed. We needed to deny we were fourteen-years-old. Fourteen was a disease that only “maturity” could cure. It was their life’s goal to hit the high school parties and get the older guy by any means necessary.  It was nauseating and superficial and for a minute I tried to do as the Romans do. I borrowed some heels from Denise, a top from Marisol, and a skirt from
Ariella
. I followed them to the party. I was introduced. “Elaine, this is Richie’s party,” “Elaine, this is beer,” “Elaine, this is how you roll a joint,” “Elaine, touching is part of dancing. Grow up,” “Elaine, Richie likes what he sees!” “Richie, this is Elaine. Elaine, Richie. You two have fun!” Richie, a senior at Lorenzo High, had his fun with me in the walk-in closet of an upstairs bedroom.

He kissed me, he yanked my halter top down, I struggled, he felt me up, I bit the side of his face, he backhanded me, I gave him a black eye with the toe of a workman’s boot I found on the floor of the closet and ran the hell out of there.

Richie had seen how stupid and weak I was when I walked into his house that night wobbling in my high heels. It was written all over my face, so he took advantage of me. I was ashamed. I couldn’t tell my family. I tried to tell my friends.
Ariella
, Marisol, and Denise all shook their heads solemnly. “You shouldn’t have teased him.” By the end of the summer they noticed I wasn’t around anymore. I started wearing my glasses. It told people I was smart, so don’t mess with me. I started wearing boots like Uncle Frank does. It let everyone know I’m not afraid to stomp you, so don’t mess with me. I picked a look I liked and stuck to it. It said I won’t be changed or manipulated, so don’t try. High school started and the three of them had the nerve to be mad at me. The rent rumors started and they got angrier, all except for some Village Kids who walked up to me and said, “I hear your father is going to kick all the Mexicans out of their trailers and build luxury homes.” I glared at them until they scurried away.

One day I went to the restroom and came back to my English class to find my purse had been emptied of money and some pages were ripped out of my notebook like confetti. There was snickering as realization crossed my face. The bell rang and the students walked pass as I stared down at my violated belongings. “Payback is a bitch.” I looked up, but no one met my eyes. I swear it was Marisol’s voice. She and Denise were in my class. If they hadn’t done it, they did nothing to stop it. I held my tongue and transferred to another English class.
Ariella
really was pregnant and I didn’t believe it.
Ariella
left. She never contacted me. I figured she didn’t want to be contacted. Joey, the angel that he was, stopped the neighborhood kids from harassing Manny and me. My brother somehow found it in himself to forgive them and he made friends with Claude and Jesse and everyone else again. I just couldn’t. The rejection had burrowed, grown roots and sprouted thorns like a cactus plant.

“Elaine?” Uncle Frank calls from outside my bedroom door. “I need to talk to you. Amelia just called.”

I rush to the door and pull it open. “What did she say?”

“Joey came home today and he’s asking for you.”

******

 “I can’t.” The wind chimes hanging outside Miss Kinsley’s home whistle admonishingly. I shift my weight in the wooden chair as we sit in the living room. Joey’s mom puts a finger to her lips. She sighs.

“Last night I learned that even though his father was never there, Joey’s father is there in his blood. Sometimes Joey is just like Richard, trying so hard not to need anyone. That scares me and I think I can’t do anything about it. I still try. I never let him push me entirely away. Elaine, he doesn’t hate you.”

My head pops up and I sit up in my chair. She smiles at me.

“I know there’s always some doubt when it comes to love. He was trying to hide from you last night because he doesn’t think you’ll accept him as he is now. But he wants to see you today. I’m pleading with you to do this for me. I don’t know anyone else to turn to for this. You’re his girlfriend. If you’re frightened about the whole situation, love will help you do what you think you can’t do.”

I’m on the verge of confessing. I’m so tired of lying to her. I don’t love her son. I know what love feels like. I was in love with Raul. Love isn’t like how she’s describing it. It’s not supposed to change you and try to mold you into the perfection the other person thinks you should be and it shouldn’t force you to do things you just can’t do. Love is supposed to be acceptance for who you are. I’m not really dating her son. I shouldn’t be the one to do Miss Kinsley this favor. I owe it to Manny, though. He would do whatever he could for Joey and Miss Kinsley if he wasn’t locked up. I owe it to Joey as well. I wish he would give a statement to the police to help Manny out, but if he doesn’t want to that’s his decision. He has a right to be upset. The fight caused him irreparable damage. I thought he was okay last night at the hospital. He’s not. There’s still work to do. “I’ll do it, Miss Kinsley.”

She gets up and hugs me and I know exactly how Joey felt when he was younger. She hugs you and you just feel guiltier.

“His room is the door on the right.”

My heart is pounding when I knock on his door. I clear my throat. “It’s me. Elaine.” My voice sounds so small.

“Come in,” his deeper male voice beckons. I turn the doorknob and push the door open. I watch my feet step from the wood floor onto the green carpet in his room and I watch the door swing back into the frame as I close it. I raise my eyes. He’s sitting in bed, chewing a huge mouthful of
Cap’n
Crunch cereal. Both cheeks are filled to capacity. I can’t help it. I laugh. He tries to chew and laugh and balance the bowl in his lap and ends up choking on some cereal. I laugh harder. He somehow avoids spewing cereal everywhere, stops choking, swallows, and laughs with me, his blue eyes bright and a little wet from choking.

“Are you okay?” I laugh.

His smile wavers. He nods.

Stupid, stupid, stupid choice of words.
I watch him carefully place his cereal bowl next to four orange pill bottles on his night table. He’s wearing a yellow and green Brazil soccer t-shirt and the rest of him is under his red plaid blanket. I decide to tell him and leave before I say something else that’s insensitive. “I just wanted you to know that, since your mom will be at work, I’ll be picking you up tomorrow afternoon to take you to the therapy center around twelve.” His eyes leave mine. He sits silently in his bed. “See you tomorrow.” I grab the doorknob.

“I wanted to talk to you, actually.”

I stop. I didn’t even let him speak yet. He’s the one that asked for me to come over. He must think I’m stupid, the way I’m running away.

“You can sit down.”

I glance around. There’s no chair in his room.

“Sorry. The only seat I’ve got in here is my bed,” he shrugs. I groan on the inside. I want to sit all the way at the foot of the bed, but I know that would seem rude. I take a seat on the edge of the bed, near the middle, on Joey’s right side. As he speaks, I concentrate on not shaking the bed with my nervous habit of wiggling my leg.

“Elaine, I’m curious to know why exactly my mother thinks we’re dating.”

“I see you want to get right to the point.” I grip my knee and mentally threaten it to stop bouncing around. “The day you were taken to St. Mary’s I didn’t know if you were…alive. I was afraid to ask your mother because I figured she was mad at my brother, so I asked Dr. Rice. I lied and told him I was your girlfriend. He took pity on me and told me your condition.”

He nods. “Okay. So, Dr. Rice told my mom?”

“Nope.
I went and lied a second time. I was scared. Your mom threatened to call the cops if I came back to your hospital room,” Joey’s jaw drops, “and I was like, ‘But Miss Kinsley, I love your son!’” Joey’s smile makes me swallow. “I know. It was stupid. I lied to butter her up so I could keep visiting you.”

“I can’t believe you did that for me.”

 I frown at his smile. I did it more for my brother than anything.

 “And I can’t believe my mom said that. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I feel so bad about lying to your mom. She’s actually very nice. I don’t know how I’ll tell her.”

“Who says we have to tell her?”

“I can’t keep lying to her, Joey. I almost broke down and confessed not even five minutes ago.”

“She can’t take that kind of news right now. I know her. I really think we should just play along until she’s stable enough to hear it.”

“Good idea,” I say remembering how upset she was that day at the hospital. Joey is quiet. I watch as he parts his lips a few times to say something but can’t get it out. Eventually, he seems to find the right words.

“Elaine, I want to apologize to you and your family for what I did.”

“Um, for what?”

“For starting the fight with Manny.
Now Manny is in jail for this stupid accident that happened to me, and your dad, he got taken away. Elaine, I’m so sorry. I swear I’ll give the police a statement today. I should have done it sooner, but last night I was…trying to deal with it all.”

I look away from the sincerity in his eyes. Joey truly thinks this was his fault. For the first time in this ordeal I am so damn angry with my brother for what he did to Joey. I massage both my temples as I stare at the pill bottles sitting on his night stand. “You didn’t start the fight, Joey. Manny did. He found out you were dating Denise.” I sit and wait for Joey’s temper to rear its head. The silence grows and grows.

“I’m definitely not dating Denise. Besides, I’m a faithful guy. I wouldn’t cheat on you like that,” he jokes. I can’t bring myself to laugh. “I guess my statement to the police will be a little different then.” I peer over at him from behind the hand at my temple. “But most of it will stay the same: It was an accident and I want my best friend to come home.”

Why hadn’t I noticed what a beautiful person he was before? “I knew you would,” I smile. There’s surprise in his eyes. I’ve never seen the forgiving person that he is because I’m judgmental. I’m cold. I’m hurtful. I’m a cactus flower, not worth the pain to pick. I don’t understand what he ever saw in me.

His eyes travel over my face and my stomach flutters. “Why’d you put your hair back up?” I glide a hand over my hair and shrug. “I liked it down,” he adds. My hand comes down from my hair and absentmindedly I press my folded fingers to my mouth. His eyes follow my hand to my lips and he exhales. My whole body suddenly feels like a hot tuning fork, vibrating with a sultry energy originating deep within my bones. I can’t help but study his pink mouth in turn. Bubble gum; soft and pink and sweet…