Arizona Allspice (40 page)

“Thanks,” she says gently. She looks down at her shoes, then turns and returns to her truck.

“Thanks,” I breathe as I watch her truck rumble away.

ELEVEN

I hadn’t meant to pull the trigger. In the heat of the moment I pulled it twice. Maybe he got what he deserved, but I took that justice into my own hands.
My soiled hands.
I’ve physically abused the girl I care so much about. I’ve shot a man and gladly watched him bleed. I attacked my stepfather and I would have been glad to watch him take his last breath. All these things I am capable of.

Does she know by now how I feel about her? After the stupid thing I said in the car about her choosing Raul over me, maybe she figured it out. Or after the disgusting things I said to her on the phone, maybe she won’t ever imagine love as a possibility.

******

 “Hey!” I beam and wrap my arms snuggly around Joey’s torso. I pull away and he looks at me stunned. “You ready to go?” I ask. He runs a hand over his lengthening red hair and nods. I had expected at least a smile back, but he remains pensive as we get into the truck. “Joey? Are you okay? I’ve never met a person who frowns when I hug ‘
em
.” I get a quick smile out of him. No verbal response. My loud thoughts fill the uncomfortable silence of the trip to Canyon Outpatient. Was he embarrassed about what he’d said to me last night in retaliation? Was he hurt because he’d watched the farewell kiss shared between Raul and me? He was so selfless last night. He shouldn’t feel guilty, ashamed or unworthy.

“Whatever you’re thinking, about me or about you, I want you to know that you’re wrong,” I blurt out before he walks into Mr. Gerard’s therapy room. He shakes his head, never lifting his eyes to look at me, and opens his mouth to speak, but I won’t allow him to protest. “Whatever you’re worried about, the thought is not warranted.” Guarded, he lifts his chin and meets my eyes. His pink lips move slightly into an incalculable expression. Maybe he’s amused because I’m totally misinterpreting him. “Last night, I couldn’t have done it without you. I owe you,” I add.

“For what?”

I study his furrowed brow. My own expression mimics his. “That
was
you outside Raul’s house last night, wasn’t it? You’re acting as if it was somebody else that saved me from that monster. You saved me, Joey. That means a lot to me. Apparently that wasn’t such a big deal for you. I don’t know, I guess you do that kind of thing all the time and you’re used to it by now.” I shrug. “Maybe I’m just another case like all the other girls.” Joey’s jaw clenches but his eyes soften. “But that doesn’t make it meaningless. Not for me, and it shouldn’t mean so little to you. You should be proud of yourself. You should be…good to yourself.”

Joey rubs his mouth with his fingers. His hand falls from his face. “I don’t know how to do that.”

“I have a suggestion.” I smile conspiratorially.

“What?” he asks with a slow smile.

“Ice cream.”

******

 “This Thursday is visiting day at the county jail.” A spoon laden with strawberry cheesecake ice cream passes her lips into her waiting mouth. She pulls the spoon out clean and swallows the cold dessert. “It’s the only time anyone will get to see him while he’s in jail and they’ll only allow two visitors. Can you believe that?”

I shake my head. I cannot imagine how hard it is for Manny to be isolated, away from his family. “How is he handling all of this? Does he seem okay?” I take a mouthful of my own chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

Elaine looks down into her half empty carton. “He hasn’t called.”

Then my mother walks into the house. “Hey
ya’ll
!”

“Hi, Miss Amelia.”

“You’re home early,” I say. She walks over to our dining room table, the family table that seats only two, where Elaine and I are seated.

“You know Mr.
Bartolo
and his wife just added a baby boy to their family. Well, the baby’s running a high fever and Mrs.
Bartolo
rushed him to see a doctor. Mr.
Bartolo
closed the shop to go with her and make sure his little boy is okay. I could have run the shop myself, all the years I’ve worked there, but his shop is his baby, too. He won’t let it out of his sight.”

“Mr.
Bartolo
is sexist, Mom. That’s why he won’t let you fill in for him.”

“No he’s not,” she dismisses. “He’s just really protective of the things that he loves. Sound familiar?” she smiles knowingly. I narrow my eyes at her for only a second and then have to laugh because she’s right, as always. I talked to her this morning about the confrontation I had last night with Raul’s father. I left out the part about disrespecting Elaine prior to that. My mother and I glance at Elaine. She gives us each a fleeting smile and returns to playing with her melting ice cream. “I think I’ll take advantage of this small vacation I’ve been given. I’m gonna go for a walk. How about you guys?”

“I think Laney and I will just chill here and finish our ice creams.” Elaine nods in agreement. “In fact, Elaine was just asking to taste some of mine.” I smirk. Elaine smiles shyly, playing along. “
Here.
” Her eyes widen as I scoop ice cream onto my spoon and hold it inches away from her mouth.

“No, that’s okay. I’m fine.” Elaine insists.

“Laney, I saw the way you were eyeing this chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.” I push the spoon closer to her pursed lips.

“Elaine,” Mom encourages, “after the episode you and I had, I think it’s wrong for you to be shy around me instead of vice versa.” She gives Elaine a wink. What episode are they talking about?  Surprisingly Elaine gives in and eats the ice cream from my spoon. I am mesmerized as she innocently licks her full lips clean. Elaine was right. Ice cream is good for me.

“See you guys later,” my Mom heads for the door.

“
Oww
!”
I exclaim. My mother turns and gives me a worried look.
“Umm,
brainfreeze
?”
I smile and grimace. She chuckles and continues to the door.

“Enjoy your walk, Miss Amelia,” Elaine calls out happily as my mom walks out the door.

“You think you’re so clever, kicking me under the table,” I glare half-heartedly.

“Next time it won’t be your leg that I kick.” I watch her finish off the dessert with a pleased smile on her face and her shoulders held back. Her black hair is up in the usual bun, but during the drive from therapy the wind had teased some wispy strands around her face. It’s wild yet endearing. Lately she’s taken to wearing vests without a shirt underneath. Her shoulders, her collarbone, some of her chest are exposed to me. She looks up at meher eyes are a dark yet vivid brownand her pleased smile drops from her face.

“Excuse me. I need to go, um, to the bathroom,” Elaine sits up from her chair and retreats to the bathroom down the hall. My melted ice cream is a disappointing liquid swirl of tan and brown with sunken chocolate chips.

Am I suddenly transparent? After all these years,
is she truly
aware of me wanting
her? Never will I forget that afternoon; it was my first day home from the hospital, only a week ago, that Elaine sat next to me and a natural, fervid, and raw emotion scorched between us in a simple glance. I wish we could feel that again, but it only happened because I had caught her off guard, a rare occurrence. I think she noticed the way I was looking at her just now. Did she see that as purely sexual? Did I come off like some hungry, salivating wolf?
Dammit
.

******

The way he was looking at me jarred me so much I had to leave his presence for a moment. I sit down on the edge of the bathtub. The cool temperature of the fiberglass tub begins to seep up through my jeans to chill the back of my legs. I rest my bare face in my hot handsI’m not sure when I completely stopped wearing my glassesand close my eyes. I
hate
knowing. If I didn’t know his true feelings, then I could enjoy his friendship without feeling guilty. I massage at my uneasy stomach as it flutters, disturbed. I love the times when I forget, when I see him as just Joey Kinsley, this friend of my brother that I am getting to know and really like. He’s funny and caring and strong. Then it all slips away when I recognize the longing and hope in his eyes and I know it’s going to fall apart one day. I just don’t know when.

******

 Elaine walks back into the dining room just as I begin clearing it of our ice cream cartons, napkins, and spoons. “Would you like a glass of water?”

“Yes. Thanks,” she smiles.

I dump the cartons and napkins into the trash bin in the kitchen, toss the spoons into the sink and fill two glasses with water and lots of ice. “My throat feels like it’s coated with sugar.” I take a gulp from my glass. She chuckles lightly and drinks from her glass. Once again we are seated at the dinner table. “I’m really annoyed with Manny right now. He should have called you,” I say as I glance up from my drink.

“I haven’t let myself think about it much,” she replies, “because I know my mind won’t be able to formulate a good enough excuse for him not keeping in touch.”

“I feel weird saying this because you and Manny are best friends. You’re twins, you should be able to speak to each other telepathically,” I smile as she smiles, “but I have some insight into him that you don’t have.”

 
“Oh really?”

I take a moment to find the right words. I know that her brother will want to tell her his true plans on his own terms, at the right time, so I don’t want to totally reveal his secret. “Manny had been talking to me for a while about the opportunities you and he could have outside of Cadence. He’s painfully aware of you two having different paths to take and he gets really apprehensive about not being near you. He told me he was scared if you two ever separated both of you would drift apart or forget about each other, the same way his memories about Miss
Marna
, I mean your mom, fades a little every day and it’s harder and harder to hold onto them. Maybe it’s a test. You know?
Like,
maybe he’s testing the bond by keeping his distance to see if anything between you two changes by the time he comes home.”

Her fingers gently smooth back the flyaway strands of her hair as she sighs disapprovingly. After a tired shake of her head, she actually pouts
.
“That’s so
stupid
,” she whines. Charmed by her vulnerability and her pouting, I laugh. A smile peeks through and then leaves her lips again.

“I guess I’ll just have to wait until Thursday to talk with him. He told me before the accident about his wild idea to move to California. I absolutely, whole-heartedly refused to move up there and let Dad go into some mental health place where he wouldn’t be well taken care of. It happened anyway.” I watch her fall silent. I take a drink from my glass of water and allow her to think. “It surprised me that Manny was so restless. He hid that from me. I thought he enjoyed working at
PiCo
and that everything was okay.”

“He does like working there.  It’s just too small of a world for him because he knows what he really wants to do.”

“Do you like working at the factory, Joey?”

Her question makes me uncomfortable for some reason. “Um, I, I like it just fine. The people there are like a part of my family. They’ve given me so many chances and believed in me. It was a good place for me. No serious complaints.”