Arizona Allspice (43 page)

 I hadn’t remembered because I was wrapped up in the fact that Elaine had read about my undying feelings for her and she couldn’t care less. There was more in my journal than just poems. I wrote about Elaine’s father hurting her mother. Elaine was never supposed to know about that. I promised she wouldn’t ever know. And the way I ignored her mother days before she passed away, she must have read about it in the journal. There’s the rent thing, too. Elaine read about how I opened my big mouth and started the whole town ganging up on her and her family…but she was still there. She took me to my
appointments,
she hung out with me, stood up for me, even though she knew about all of that. I quickly shuffle the torn pages around so that they are tucked neatly against the binding of the book and slide it between the mattresses of my bed like I always did.

 In the bathroom mirror I notice the black streaks of mascara on the sleeve of my white shirt. I’m a walking handkerchief and confessional. Good thing I have my mom to unload some of it onto. Otherwise I’d go crazy. Speaking of Mom, I would really like to confront her when she gets home. What was she thinking, giving Elaine my journal? As the cool water flows over my body in the shower, I think about Elaine not having someone to unload her worries onto. Manny isn’t calling her. Mr. Roberts isn’t here physically and he’s not always there mentally. Her mom is gone. She has her uncle, but he has been out of the loop for years and might not know the back stories. So, Raul had been good for something. He could listen to her. Raul is now out of the picture, too. That leaves me, the guy who called her callous and unattractive because she doesn’t love him back.
Maybe she never will, Joey.
When I had that dream and Miss
Marna
told me to take care of Elaine, it wasn’t permission to have her hand in marriage. All she said was take care of her daughter and that can be done from afar.

Out of the shower, dry and dressed, I run my fingers through my hair. It’s grown a lot, not back to its original length, but it is definitely curly again. The curls gently grasp at my fingers when I comb them through and I feel happy about that. Mom walks in the door right before I pick up the phone to make some emergency calls.

“Some walk,” I say sarcastically.

She smirks as she walks into my bedroom and sits on the edge of my bed. “You could say that.” She pats the space beside her. “We need to talk, don’t we?”

I’m the one who was supposed to initiate this conversation! I sigh and walk away from my mirror to sit beside her on my bed.

“You and Elaine had a fight?”

“Yes and it’s your fault. Why in the world would you give Elaine my journal to read? There is stuff in there she was never supposed to know about, Mom.”

“You’re right. It’s my fault. I wasn’t thinking clearly at the time. You were in the hospital, in a coma, and I was emotional. I missed you so much. I missed your voice and all I and your girlfriend had of you was that journal. I’m sorry if I embarrassed you.”

Of course, I can’t stay angry with my mom for long. I accept her apology with a nod and try to figure out if I should tell her that Elaine and I aren’t dating and never were. I decide that it was Elaine’s lie so Elaine can tell my mother herself.

“It’s not your fault, Mom. I’m just really frustrated and I don’t know where to direct it. I can’t seem to get too mad at Elaine even though she was a total Ice Queen today out of nowhere. We were good and then this. I’ve never seen her so…blank. She just had nothing to say about it. She made me look like I was overreacting! She did everything to push me away, like she wanted me out of her life from the beginning but didn’t want to feel guilty when she made a break for it. No, she turned it around so that
I
would be the one responsible for us, um, breaking up.” I pause, aware of the pressure building up in my chest. I fall back onto my bed. “She thinks I’m expendable.”

“No, Joey. Today when she came back to her house after the argument she looked dazed and, I don’t know, lost. “

“Really?
Did you talk to her?” I grab a pillow and tuck it under my head to get more comfortable.

“No. She wanted to be alone in her room for a while. Trust me, Joey. She cares. It was all over her face. I’ve always seen it in her eyes.”

I almost snort in disbelief. There wasn’t any emotion in her eyes today, except fear when I invaded her personal space and then disgust as she flipped me off. “I was about to send some hounds to come sniff you out.”

“You worry too much.”

“You saw Elaine while you were
walkin
’ around?”

“I was at her house already when she came in. Frank and I were talking.”

I squint up at the ceiling. It was around three when Elaine and I had our fight.

“You were at her house this afternoon?”

“Yes and I just came from there,” she says with a funny smile. She keeps playing with a strand of her curly red hair, too.

I stare at her for a minute and then I hoist myself upright with my elbows. I think I know what she’s about to saybut that’s impossible. We look at each other and her smile gets wider and tears form in her eyes. “Mom, what’s going on?” I ask concerned. She takes my hand in hers and exhales deeply.

 “Baby, I’m in love.”

“What?” I say
,
shocked even though I knew deep inside what was coming.

“I’m in love with Frank
Merjoy
.”

I pull my hand away from her. “No you’re not.”

“I know I am.” She wipes at her wet eyes.

“You’ve known this dude for two weeks! You’ve gotta be kidding me, Mom! Come on!”

“I know what I’m feeling,
Kangy
. I know what I’m doing. Why do you think I can give you and Elaine such good advice? It’s ‘cause I’ve been doing some observational research for six long years and I would like to put some of that knowledge to use now,” she chuckles.

I stand up from the bed. “This isn’t funny, Mom.”
I pace the floor and rub at my neck.
My skin there keeps getting hotter and hotter. “I don’t trust him.”

“You don’t know him.”

“And you do?”

“I knew this would be hard for you to take. Joey, I need to be loved, too. I want someone to be with me, to stick around when you leave.”

“What are you talking about? I’m not,” I clear my throat, “I’m not leaving.”

 “You don’t have to stay, Joey. Do you know that? I know you are more than this dusty trailer park town can hold. I never wanted you to feel like you couldn’t have your freedom.”

“Look, I don’t think you fully
comprehend
what you’re doing and I can’t listen to any more of this.” I leave the house and go back out into the night air buzzing with insects in flight. I don’t have a destination in mind. I just keep going.

******

I hear the doorbell sound from my bedroom. It must be a friend of Uncle Frank’s or maybe Miss Amelia. My uncle has a more active social life than I do.

“Elaine!”

It’s for me? I pop up from my bed. What if it’s Joey? I straighten out my wrinkled t-shirt and pajama shorts.

“I think you might have a friend again,” Uncle Frank smiles as he walks away from the front door which he left ajar. I can’t contain my smile. There is so much I want to tell him. I walk carefully to the front door and open it to see Marisol standing on my front porch. I have to stick my foot inside the doorway so that I don’t immediately slam the door in her face. She is the very last person I want to see, but I’m trying to be more open-minded. No more making my negative expectations come true. Any other day, I would expect Marisol to narrow her hazel eyes at me in that feline way that is her trademark. I force my mind to anticipate having a lovely conversation with an old friend. It seems to work. She gives me a tentative smile. “Can I come in? The Kissing Bugs are crazy out here,” she says.

Wordlessly, I open the door for her. A flashback of my front door plastered with those “Save Joey” flyers hits me.
You’ve gotta move on, Elaine
.

Marisol is a
mexicana
with a strong nose, beautiful skin, jet black hair with perfect curls and soulful eyes. I’ve always been slightly jealous of her appearance. Her beauty is much more subtle than Denise’s, much more appreciated. I wonder if Marisol knows that. I take a deep breath.

“Is something wrong?”

She clears her throat. “I found out today that Raul took his brother and left town last night.” She glances down at the floor.

“Yeah.”

“Raul had been making little plans with me about moving away, but I didn’t take him seriously. I didn’t know how serious it was in his house.”

I chew on my bottom lip nervously. “Are there rumors going around?” I don’t want the whole neighborhood to know Raul’s secret.

“No, no. I talked to his idiot mother and figured it out. Once she told me Joey helped them run away I knew something wasn’t right in that house. Um, Raul never told me he was leaving.”

“Oh.” The sadness in her eyes surprises me. “I’m sorry.”  

“I’m sorry about the way he and I…You know? It was stupid of us.”

I shake my head not knowing what to say. She is a self-claimed tough broad, but she’s standing in front of me vulnerable, trying to apologize for having slept with my ex-boyfriend.

“I didn’t know it before he left, but I really liked him,” her voice breaks. “He needed someone and I didn’t even realize it. I want to thank you and Joey for
lookin
’ out for him. That’s all.” Marisol turns to leave.

“Wait,” I stop her. “Can I get you something to drink?”

“Um…sure.”
Her eyes sparkle with appreciation and nervousness. I get us settled in the dining room and we talk for a long time. Though it was awkward at times when our conversation brushed against old wounds, she leaves my house and I felt hopeful that things might turn around. Not long after she leaves, my cell phone starts ringing. I follow the sound to the bathroom where I’d left it on the counter. I pick it up and see Joey’s name on the screen. Immediately, my heart starts racing.  I’m not sure I’ll know the right thing to say, but if I don’t pick up he might think I’m ignoring him. I have to answer.

“Hello?”

“You knew about my mom and your uncle, didn’t you?”

My stomach does a flip. I plop down onto the toilet seat because I feel light headed. I wasn’t expecting there to be yet another issue I needed to work out with him. My knee bounces up and down. “Yes. I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to be upset.”

******

“I have every right to be upset!” I say loudly into my cell phone that is now held together with Scotch tape. “I don’t need some washed up, gray-haired bachelor dragging my mother into his midlife crisis!”

“My uncle isn’t that kind of man. Why do you think you’re eating out of a brand new, stainless steel refrigerator these days? He is extremely giving and he really cares about her. I promise.”