Arizona Allspice (56 page)

“How have you been?” Joey’s voice startles me.

How have I been since we split up?
Miserable.
Empty.

“This morning I was really nervous, but now I’m happy,” I smile as best I can, trying to hide how awkward I feel. He nods. “How have you been?” I ask him.

“I’m doing okay, considering the circumstances.”

Yes, the circumstances. I nod. “I heard you’re back on the field,” I say.

He smiles wide. “As soon as Gerard gave me the green light, I raced home. I had the whole field to myself.”

“You should’ve called. I would’ve come to the field.”

“I know.” He stares into my eyes. “Can I still get a congratulatory hug?” He smirks.

I chuckle. He has always been needy for hugs. “Sure,” I say nervously. I allow him to put his arms around me. I can’t describe how it felt to have his hands pressed against my bare skin, to inhale his warm, familiar scent and to know that in his heart he didn’t hate me. I stop breathing when he whispers in my ear, “It could feel like this, always.” Joey steps away and his cheeks are a little rosy. He chews on his lip as he looks at me. I swallow.  “See you later,” he says and walks away. I stand there, dumbfounded and weak in the knees, until Marisol grabs my arm and I snap out of it. I spend the next three hours bouncing from friend to friend, eating here and there, and being the proud twin sister on Manny’s arm.

My feet are aching horribly from the three inch heels on my boots. I grab some finger sandwiches from the buffet table and sit down at an empty table. I rest my feet up on the seat of another chair and watch everybody dancing. Mr. Jeremy paid for a DJ as well. I laugh to myself when I see Jacob dancing embarrassingly bad with Marisol and Tia. I don’t know if he’s drunk or just has no rhythm. Neither girl looks impressed. The DJ puts on a slower song, some kind of disco-infused Spanish ballad. It’s not a slow jam. I can still bob my head to it. Out of nowhere, Joey appears in front of me.

“Would you like to dance?” He smiles confidently.

I slide my feet off the chair and sit up straight. He holds out his hand to me. I discard my little sandwich, dust off my hands and place my hand in his. I notice one of my black hair ties around his wrist and smile. He pulls me up from my seat. We walk side by side, holding hands, to the dance floor. Slow and close, we dance together. I study the faint freckles he has and his red curls spilling onto his forehead. I study the beautiful shape of his mouth. I rest my face in the crook of his neck and begin to cry. Memories start flooding over me, good memories of him and I. Joey holds me closer, tighter, and lets my tears soak his shirt. I’m crying because I know I love him and yet the fear inside of me won’t allow myself to be his. This is torture. It’s killing me.

“Please don’t cry,” Joey whispers, begging. “You look so beautiful tonight,” he breathes. His lips find my temple and then they linger on my cheek. When he replaces his soft warm lips with his cheek pressed against mine, I almost whimper at the loss.

 I stop crying and relax. I get comfortable with his arm around me and his hand in my hair. As I lift my face from Joey’s neck to reposition it, I peek over his shoulder and see Manny talking and laughing with a guy almost a foot taller than him. The person’s back is to me. He’s wearing a basketball jersey and even though his skin is much lighter than mine, the texture of his wavy hair is just like mine before I straighten it. They bump fists and I get a good look at the guy’s face as he surveys the dance floor. Every muscle in my body freezes.
It’s Richie
. My hand clutches Joey’s shirt and I hide my face against his chest, hoping I can’t be seen. Suddenly, my skin starts to crawl where Joey is touching me.
Why did I dress this way? I look like a slut.
I arch my back away from his hands and step away from him.

“You okay?”

I keep glancing at the other side of the room to make sure Richie can’t spot me. “Uh…I’m gonna go to the restroom. Okay?”

“Okay,” he says, sad that I’m leaving him.

He holds on to my hand as I try to walk away. “I’ll be right back,” I say, feeling guilty. He lets my fingers slip from his hand and I sneak through the crowd to the women’s restroom. I’m surprised to see that Denise is inside, crying at the sink before I could do so myself.

“Denise?”

“Hey,” she sniffles.

“What happened?” For a second I thought she might be hiding from Richie too.

“I took Manny for granted. Now he wants nothing to do with me.”

I walk over to her and rub her back. “I’m sorry.” I look at us in the mirror.

“Don’t be,” she says. “It’s my fault. I kept pushing him away. He used to give me all these compliments and say all these good things. He must have been crazy, right? That’s what I thought. But isn’t that what you want from someone who loves you?
For them to see the beauty and potential in you that you can’t even see?”
She stares into her own eyes in the mirror.
“Stupid me.
I always want the ones that don’t care about me. I even tried to be with Joey,” she laughs. My heart jumps. “It was obvious he wasn’t interested.
El Fuego
burns for you. Aren’t you lucky?” She smiles at me through her tears. I wipe my own tears from my face. “I’m sorry our friendship ended the way it did,” she says.

“I’m sorry, too.” We talk some more and help one another fix our ruined makeup. Denise leaves the bathroom first. I stay behind and try to come up with a plan. I want to spend more time with Joey, but I cannot be in the same room as that pervert Richie. I decide to sneak through the crowd again and get Joey to leave the party and go somewhere else with me. I leave the bathroom and slowly walk up the hall towards the party room. When I get to the end of the hall and peek around the corner, first I see Denise chatting up Mr. Jimenez, our current park manager. I shake my head. The man is at least 20 years older than her and in no way attractive. Then I see Joey and Richie standing by the beverage table. I watch Joey laugh at something Richie says and my stomach ties into a painful knot. I feel as though I’ll faint. I need fresh air. I go down the hall and find a door that leads to the parlor’s kitchen. I go through the kitchen’s back door and I’m outside.  I pull my boots off and walk barefoot to the parking lot. When I see my truck, I run to it. I have to leave. I can’t bear to go back to the party.  

******

I let go of her hand and she walks away. I watch her hips sway as she heads in the direction of the restrooms. The warm sensation of her body against mine lingers. Holding her was surreal. My mind and my body are buzzing. It was just like in my dream. I want to tell her about the dream, but it’s not the right time. I’m restless as soon as she leaves. I go to the food tables, but I don’t have the appetite for any of it. I get a drink of water instead. I keep my eyes in the direction of the hallway as I drink, looking out for Elaine to come back. I chuckle at myself. All she had to do was wear a hot outfit and I forgot all about my sorrows.

“What up, Kinsley?”

I turn my head to see Richie smiling at me. The dude is
always
smiling. I nod at him, pretending not to see his hand held out, and look back at the dance floor. I’ve never liked Richie. He says the most twisted things with that same crooked grin on his face. I haven’t seen the guy in at least a year, and the last time was by accident. I guess free food brings every creature out of its hole.

“So, I seen you dancing with Elaine,” Richie continues because he can’t take a hint and go away. “You
hittin
’ that?” he asks.

I flash him my most sincere ‘Why don’t you shrivel up and die?’ glare ever. “That’s none of your business,” I say bluntly. He continues to smile at me.

“I’ve never seen her look so sexy. She usually dresses like a dike. She’s fine when she wants to be, but watch out dude. She’s a tease.
Defiant as hell, too.”

I look at Richie and burst out laughing. If I don’t laugh this off, he’ll be on his way to a hospital soon and I don’t want to ruin Manny’s party. “Dude, honestly…go screw yourself,” I scowl and walk away from the stupid surprised look on his face.

Why do girls take so long in the bathroom?

******

As soon as I got home, Joey sent me a text message: “
Wher’d
u go? I
cant
find u.” I stare at his message trying to think of a good excuse for leaving. If I tell him I’m sick, he’ll most likely show up at my house to comfort me.

“I left.
Bad cramps.
That time of the month.
Sry
.”
I cringe as I hit send.

“K. Wish u
were
here.”

Thoroughly embarrassed, I changed and got into bed. I guess it was less embarrassing than the truth. Manny got home a little after 2 A.M. I know because I was still awake. I couldn’t sleep.

“Hey, Laney.
Why’d you leave early?” He asks when he sees me on the living room couch.

I shrug.

“You
wanna
sit out back with me for a while?” He asks.

We plop down in two lawn chairs in the backyard. He pulls a lighter from his pocket and lights a citronella candle to keep the mosquitoes away. Then he pulls a cigarette from his pocket and lights it. I make no comment on his new smoking habit. I don’t want to start an argument when he just came home. I watch him turn his head and exhale the smoke out of his mouth so that it won’t blow into my face. He looks so much like Daddy as he smokes. “Denise tried to flirt with me tonight. Can you believe that?”

“You two used to flirt with each other all the time.”

“Well, I’ve changed.”

I nod my head. It sounds like he won’t be a doormat any longer.

“I had to pry her arms from around me. It was pathetic,” he wrinkles his nose. “Then I see her talking to Mr. Jimenez. She needs help and I won’t be the one to give it to her. Not anymore, but enough about me. How are you doing?”

“I’ve changed, too. I still need some help though. I’m still trying to understand why I sabotage everything.”

“You mean with Joey?”

“Mostly.”

“There’s this quote that goes ‘We mortal fools are not satisfied to be right, unless we can prove others to be quite wrong’.” He pauses to take a drag on his cigarette. “You haven’t proven him wrong no matter how hard you’ve tried.”

I take a deep breath to stop my urge to cry. “You know what tomorrow is?” I ask.

He clears his throat.
“Yeah.”

Tomorrow is June 3
^rd
; the first anniversary of the day Mom was taken from us. “What should we do?” I ask Manny.

“Remember her and live life the way she taught us. The same thing we should do every day.”

Maybe being the older twin by 43 seconds really did make him smarter and wiser than me, a fact my brother has teased me with since we were old enough to talk.

I start thinking about the way Mom lived her life. She lived for her family. She loved with her entire heart. She loved Manny and I so much, she wouldn’t let us be the victims of Dad’s episodes. She loved Daddy so much she let him take his anger out on her. Was it an unhealthy love? I want my Dad home with me, even if he is unstable. If he hit me, I would forgive him. I would never let Joey physically take his anger out on me. Then again, I’m sure Mom didn’t think she would ever let Daddy hit her either. Auntie Amelia didn’t plan to be in an abusive relationship. Is that what love does to you? Maybe that’s why I’m so afraid.