aterovis_bleedinghearts.pm6 (15 page)

126

Bleeding Hearts

I was standing in the park by the pond. I could feel more than see the other presence in the shadows that seemed to writhe and dance around me, slowly closing in. I was turning, trying to watch all sides at once, but it was hopeless. Then the shadows seemed to take form, become more solid, and from them stepped a figure.

He was dressed all in black but I couldn’t see his face at first, and then I realized it was because there wasn’t one. Then I knew who it was without being told. It was my attacker, Seth’s murderer. He’d come back to finish off what he’d started.

I wanted to run, but it was as if my feet wouldn’t respond to my brain’s commands. I was frozen where I stood as he slowly came towards me. And then somehow, before I knew it, he was behind me. His arm snaked around my neck and I felt the cold steel of a knife blade cutting into my throat. I felt a trickle of blood run down my collarbone. Then suddenly it was as if whatever spell had me frozen had been broken and I was fighting for all I was worth - kicking, screaming, thrashing. I didn’t want to die.

* * *

My eyes flew open and I sat bolt upright. I was sticky 127

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with sweat and my heart was pounding in my chest so hard that I thought they must be able to hear it in the next county. Everything was dark and I looked around frantically for the attacker. I couldn’t see. Where was he?I felt an arm slide across my shoulders. I cried out and flailed blindly at it. I hit flesh and I heard a startled

“oof” from the darkness.

“Killian, it’s ok! It’s just me, Asher.”

“Asher?” I whispered.

“Yes, I’m right here.”

“It was a dream?” I said shakily, remembering where I was and what had happened.

I felt his arms slide around me again and this time I didn’t fight. “Yeah, I guess so. It must have been a bad one. You woke me up throwing your arms around and kicking and crying like.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, burying my face in his chest.

“Don’t be sorry. It’s okay. It’s not like you can help what you dream. Do you remember what you were dreaming about?”

“Yeah,” I said, “It was Seth’s killer. He was after me and I was fighting. Oh God, it was so horrible.” I squeezed Asher harder.

“I’m here, it’s okay, Killian,” he murmured into my hair, “It was just a dream. Go back to sleep, baby. I’ve got you. You’re safe.”

It took quite a while, but finally my body won out over my fear and sleep overcame me.

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call was coming in loud and clear, and if I didn’t get up soon I’d have an embarrassing problem on my hands.

I tried to slip out of his embrace without waking him, but he just tightened his grip. I tried again with the same results, so I gave up on not waking him.

“Asher.” I said. When he didn’t respond I got a little louder, “Asher!”

“Huh? Wha?” he said sleepily.

“I hafta piss, man,” I told him, “You gotta let me up.”

“Oh yuh, sorry,” he mumbled, letting go and falling immediately back to sleep. Well, that was a bit of information to file away for future use: don’t worry about disturbing Asher’s sleep.

After I went to the bathroom I was wide-awake, so I went ahead and went upstairs for a shower. When I came downstairs after dressing I smelled bacon cooking and knew Adam was up. I padded into the kitchen in my stocking feet and sat down at the table.

“Good morning,” Adam said. He was quite chipper.

I hate morning people.

“Morning,” I said.

“How’d you two make out on the couch?”

“With our lips,” I shot back.

Adam gave me a warning glance and I sighed.

“We made out fine,” I told him, “I had a nightmare, though, and Asher had to wake me up.”

Adam looked at me again, more seriously this time.

“What was it about?”

I sighed, “Scary. It was the killer. He tried to kill me.”

Adam left the stove and came over to sit across from me.“What did he look like? Did you remember anything else?”

“No, I couldn’t see his face again. It was like he didn’t have one. He didn’t speak, either. But I’m pretty sure it was a guy in my dream at least, but that doesn’t really 129

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mean anything, does it?”

“I don’t know. I’m going to call today to find out about counseling,” he said.

I nodded and noticed smoke starting to come from the frying pan on the stove.

“I think the bacon is burning,” I told Adam. He jumped up and dashed over to the stove.

“No, not burnt, but it’ll be crispy. Go get Asher up so by the time he gets out of the shower breakfast should be ready.”

I went into the living room where Asher was still asleep on the couch. I gently shook his shoulder while I called his name. When that didn’t work, a rather mean idea popped into my head. Of course, I loved it. I started tickling him.

He sat up so suddenly that his head smacked into mine, and while he fell off the couch I fell backwards.

“Dammit, Killian!” he whined with his hand on his forehead, “Why’d you have to go and do that?”

“I thought it would be funny,” I responded; hand on my nose. “Is it bleeding?”

“No, and I think it lost something in the translation, cuz it sure wasn’t funny.”

That started me giggling and soon we were both lying on the floor laughing. Finally I got control of myself and told him that he needed to hurry up and get his shower.

The rest of the day flew by. School was pretty uneventful. Things finally seemed to be falling back into their same old patterns and I was relieved. I was tired of the whole special treatment scene.

I was walking down the hall after the last bell when suddenly a person appeared on either side of me and grabbed my arms. It was Zack and Jesse. I struggled but they lifted me off my feet and swept me down a side hall and into an empty classroom. They set me 130

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down and spun me around to face them.

“What was that about?” I demanded.

“We need to have a little talk,” Zack said threateningly.

“I’m sick of our ‘little talks.’ I’m leaving,” I tried to push past them, but they shoved me back roughly. I was starting to get a little scared.

“We know what you and Asher were doing on the beach last night,” Jesse growled.

“What?” I gasped.

“Someone saw you, dumbass,” Zack taunted, jabbing me in the ribs for effect. “So now we know for sure that you’re a faggot and we know Asher is too.”

“Yeah, and you’re both going down,” Jesse piped up,

“We don’t want no fags at our school.”

“How very enlightened of you, Jesse,” I said, my anger building by the second, “but guess what? I’m not going anywhere. Yeah, you’re right. I am gay. And I’m not gonna be ashamed of that. But guess what else?

That’s none of your business. You can’t intimidate me or scare me.”

“Well we can beat the crap outta you,” Jesse said as he took a menacing step towards me.

I took a step back and glanced over my shoulder.

There was only the one door to this room, and Zack and Jesse were between it and me. My mind was racing almost as fast as my heart. Zack and Jesse began closing in on me. My foot shot out, catching Jesse by surprise and nailing him in the balls. He screamed like a girl and collapsed to the floor as Zack launched himself at me. I tried to jump out of the way, but he caught my shoulder and I spun as I fell. We ended up in a pile on the floor when the light came on.

“What’s going on in here?” a voice demanded.

I sat up, disentangling myself from Zack. It was Mr.

Doukas, my physical science teacher from last year.

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“Nothing, we were just messing around,” I told him.

“Well, mess around somewhere else. Get going before I escort you to the office.” I could tell he didn’t believe me. He cast a suspicious look at Jesse, who was struggling to get up, obviously still in pain. He was looking a little ill.

“Are you feeling alright, Mr. O’Donnell?” Mr. Doukas asked him.

“Not really,” he answered truthfully.

I grabbed my backpack that I had dropped when Zack tackled me and started out of the room.

“We’ll talk later,” Zack called after me meaningfully.

“We’ll see,” I called back.

I searched all over for Asher, but I couldn’t find him anywhere and no one I talked to had seen him, so I drove straight to his house. Mrs. Davis answered the door and said Asher was in his room and for me to go right in.

I tapped on the door and I heard his muffled voice tell me to come in. I opened the door and couldn’t help but gasp. He was lying on the bed with the worst black eye I’ve ever seen, and his lip was busted and swollen.

“Oh my God,” I said, rushing to his side, “What happened?”

“Zack and Jesse happened,” he spoke carefully because of his lip.

“Oh geez,” I whimpered hugging him tightly. “They tried to get me after school, but I fought back and luck-ily Mr. Doukas came in before things got ugly. I didn’t squeal.”

“Maybe you should’ve. They aren’t gonna give up that easy, you know.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, sitting up.

“They’ll be back. And probably with back-up.”

“We were careless last night, weren’t we?” I said softly.

“Yeah, we were. I’m sorry,” he said.

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“Hey, what’s done is done. Now we have to live with the consequences, but there’s no sense in beating ourselves up over it. Zack and Jesse will take care of that for us.” I added with a grin. I continued seriously, “At least we have each other to talk to and lean on as we go through this. Seth didn’t have anyone.”

“Killian, I don’t know if I want to go through this. I don’t know if I can. Maybe it’s too late, but maybe not.

I mean if I can convince Zack and Jesse not to tell anyone, maybe I can save my reputation. I don’t want to end up dead like Seth.”

I stood up. “Okay, wait a minute. First of all, are you saying that your reputation is more important than us?

And what do you mean end up dead like Seth? Do you think it was Jesse and Zack?”

He looked away. “I don’t know,” he mumbled.

“Asher, if you know something you have to tell someone,” I told him, urgency creeping into my voice.

“I don’t know anything,” he said again, rolling over with his back towards me. “Maybe you should go, Killian. I’m not feeling so great.”

“Asher,” I pleaded, “If you know something, please tell me. It could help catch Seth’s killer.”

“I told you, I don’t know anything,” he shouted.

“Please, just go.”

I stood there for a second while he started sniffling, then I turned and left. I was so confused. What was wrong with Asher? Did he know something he wasn’t saying? Or was he just having the same kinds of doubts and fears I was? It definitely seemed he wasn’t ready to be outed.

I drove right home and went in to find a note from Adam saying that he’d be home soon and that Steve was coming with him. They would bring dinner home with them. I went up to what had become my room and decided to log on to AOL and see if Kane had e-133

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mailed me.

To my surprise there were several from him just since the day before. The first one simply said that they were back and the ride had been horrible. The second one was a bit longer. He thanked me again for being there for him and he said that he felt very close to me. He also said that he and his mother had had a huge fight.

“I just want to get out of here,” he wrote.

The last letter, though, was the real shocker. It had come just before I signed on.

“Dear Killian,

I’m still fighting with Mom. We’ve hardly spoken since I called her a liar at dinner tonight. I’m so confused about everything. Why would she lie to me?

Why does she hate Dad so much? Just because he’s gay? But that doesn’t make any sense. He’s still the same as he used to be. I just wish I could live with you guys. Maybe I can. My friend Chad said he got to choose what parent he wanted to live with when his parents got di-vorced. He said I can go to court and fight if Mom won’t let me.

“Killian, I want to talk to you about something. If I can sneak out tonight after Mom’s asleep, is it okay if I call you? I need to know how you know if you are gay or not. I wonder if maybe I am too. It’s genetic, right? And Dad and 134

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Seth were. And I liked being held by you. I don’t know. I’m just so confused.

“I’ll call you tonight.

“Love, Kane.”

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I sat stunned in front of my computer. I couldn’t believe what I had just read, so I read it again, but the words hadn’t changed since the last time. Kane thought he might be gay. My heart was racing at the very thought, but what about Asher? He was so unsure about what he wanted; I didn’t even know where I stood with him.

Of course, Kane hadn’t said he was interested in me, actually, just that he might be gay and he liked being held by me. That didn’t mean much, really. I had to be careful to not influence his decision. It had to be completely his own; he had to be sure that he was gay.

It occurred to me that I didn’t really know that much about why people are gay. I’d accepted the fact that I was and never wondered what made me that way. I didn’t have any clue what to tell Kane if he asked me that. I minimized Kane’s letter and typed in my favorite search engine, Google.com. After reading several articles I found that each one I read seemed to contra-dict the one before. None of them seemed to agree. One suggested that it was genetic, another that it was environmental, nature vs. nurture, on and on. They all seemed biased and stated their case as if they were absolutely right and everyone else was wrong. It was all very confusing and after half an hour I didn’t know 136