aterovis_bleedinghearts.pm6 (16 page)

Bleeding Hearts

anymore than I did when I started. Then I found an article that seemed to be an unbiased balance of both views that made more sense to me than anything I had read so far. It was long and I was deeply immersed in it when I heard Adam calling me to come eat dinner with him and Steve. I hadn’t even heard them come in. I quickly book-marked the site and sent Kane a short e-mail telling him to feel free to call me.

After dinner, Adam, Steve and I were sitting around the table just chatting, talking about the day. I told them about what had happened with Zack and Jesse, and Asher’s reaction.

“Asher’s reaction is normal,” Steve said when I’d finished, “especially if he’s still uncertain about what he wants. I admit it sounds like he may know more than he is saying, but we can’t know what, and it’s useless to speculate. What concerns me more is Zack and Jesse.

Something is going to have to be done about those boys.

This is serious. It can’t be allowed to continue. Someone is going to get hurt worse than a black eye.”

“Maybe they already have,” Adam said softly.

“You think they might have been involved in Seth’s murder?” Steve asked him sharply.

“Maybe, and if not they probably know more than they are saying,” Adam said.

Steve looked over to me, “Have you talked to anyone at school yet?”

“No, I’m not sure where to start and I was kinda waiting until things returned to normal,” I told him.

He nodded. “Smart thinking. As for what to say, you’ll have to play that by ear. Just be very careful. It sounds like Zack and Jesse are dangerous and now they know that you’re gay, they may be more so.”

“Speaking of being gay,” I started, “I’ve been wondering why people are gay. I mean, why am I gay? Was I born this way? I’ve read some articles, but what do 137

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you think?”

“Well,” Adam said, “I don’t know if anyone knows for sure. It’s actually something Steve and I have argued about.” Steve nodded. “I believe you are born gay; that it’s genetic. I mean, just look at me and Seth.” And possibly Kane, I thought, but didn’t say. “Steve thinks it’s more a matter of environment. If you’ve been reading articles then I’m sure you’ve heard both sides and I don’t need to go into a lot of detail. I think we can discard the choice theory. I don’t know anyone who chose to be gay.”

“I sure didn’t,” I agreed, “I read an article this afternoon, or started it at least, that suggested that it’s a mix-ture of both genes and environment. It made a lot of sense to me.”

“I’d like to read that if you still know where it is,”

Steve said.

“Me too,” Adam agreed.

“Sure, I book-marked it,” I told them, “C’mon, I can show it to you now.”

We all went up to my room and I signed on and went to the site. We all read it together and discussed it as we went. In the end we agreed that, while no one could be sure, this theory was as good as any other.

I stayed up late waiting for Kane’s call, but it never came. I slept fitfully that night, worrying about Kane.

Was he okay? He had sounded like it was urgent that he talk to me. I hoped nothing was wrong. In my head I knew that he probably just didn’t manage to get to the phone, but that didn’t stop me from worrying.

I finally dozed off after tossing and turning for what seemed like hours. I don’t know how long I was asleep before the attacker was there. I don’t even know how long he was there before I noticed him. Suddenly there he was, on the edge of my consciousness, as if he were taunting me. As I became more aware of him he grew 138

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in clarity, although he still didn’t have a face. He didn’t attack me this time. He just stood there and stared at me. I don’t know how to explain how I knew he was staring at me since I couldn’t see his eyes; I just knew he was. Somehow his staring was worse than an actual attack, like I knew he was saying he could have me whenever he wanted me. He began to fade back into the shadows and I woke suddenly, my heart pounding, feeling quite unsettled. There was no Asher to help me get back to sleep this time.

I didn’t sleep much after that; I was afraid he’d come back. As a result I was tired and cranky at breakfast, and my bad mood continued throughout the rest of the weekend. I stayed in my room a lot since Asher was still avoiding me and I wasn’t very good company anyway. I didn’t hear any more from Kane and I continued to fret about that as well. At least it helped distract me from the whole Asher thing.

Finally Monday rolled around and it was back to school. I was still thinking about Kane and Asher and found it hard to concentrate in class.

I was getting some stuff out my locker in between first and second periods when Gillian Sheridan appeared at my side and leaned her back against the locker next to mine.

“Hi, Killian,” she said. Gillian, or Gilly as everyone called her, was the girl who had been after me forever.

She was in my first-period class this semester, and except for that one incident when she cornered me in the hall, I hadn’t talked to her all that much this year. If I had to say one way or the other, I guess I would say that Gilly was cool, I just wasn’t interested in her like that. She was about the same height as me with long straight white-blonde hair, light blue eyes, and just a hint of freckles across her nose. I suppose she was very pretty, although I’d never really noticed before. I had 139

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always just thought of her as a pest.

“Hi, Gilly,” I said with my head as far in the locker as I could get it without stepping inside.

“Uh, can I talk to you?”

“Sure.”

“I mean without your head stuck in the locker.”

I reluctantly withdrew my head, shut the locker, and looked at her. She looked worried, or maybe just concerned.

“Are you okay, Killian?” she asked.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“You seem distracted in class this morning and, well...I’ve heard some stuff.”

Now she had my full attention. “Like what?”

“Just...stuff,” she said lamely.

The bell rang and she pushed away from the locker.

“Maybe we can talk later,” she said.

“What lunch shift are you on?” I asked her. She was on a different shift, but she said she thought she could meet me at mine. We agreed and went our separate ways.

I waited for Gilly in the cafeteria, and once she got there we settled into a table away from the main crowds.

“So what is this stuff you’ve been hearing about me?”

I said as soon as we’d sat down.

“Well, you know I don’t believe any of it, but...um...Zack and Jesse are saying that you are...um...gay,” she said awkwardly.

I thought for a minute, then decided it was best to be honest. I was sick and tired of lying, to myself and to others. I took a deep breath.

“They are telling the truth for once,” I said quickly and looked down at my sandwich, which I had yet to touch.

She didn’t say anything for so long that finally I had to look up. She was looking at me with a curious ex-140

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pression on her face. I was relieved to see curiosity instead of hatred or revulsion, but this had me almost as worried.

“Is that why you’d never go out with me?” she asked finally.

I nodded, “I guess so.”

“Well, at least I don’t feel like a total loser now,” she said and started to giggle.

I smiled at her a little, although I was still nervous.

“Killian, don’t look so worried. You look like you’re gonna puke. I won’t tell anybody. If you wanna keep it quiet I’ll even pretend to date you. It would be the closest I’ll ever get to the real thing.”

I laughed with her this time.

“I don’t know about that, Gilly,” I said. Then it occurred to me that it might be beneficial when I started asking questions to have an in with some of the popular crowds. I liked Gilly well enough. Maybe I should take her up on her offer. “Can I think about it?” I asked.

“Of course,” she said, “here, I’ll give you my number. Maybe we can go get dinner or something one night this week and talk about it.” She scribbled her number on a sheet of paper and handed it over to me. “Call me later tonight if you want.”

I thanked her and she ran off to get back to class. I sat and nibbled on my sandwich while I thought about her offer. It didn’t seem to bother her at all that I was gay. I knew she had a reputation for being nice to everyone and just a good girl in general. As far as I knew, she’d only dated a few guys for very short periods of time. I would talk to Adam tonight and see what he thought about the idea of me “dating” her.

The rest of the day passed quickly and I didn’t see any opportunities to talk to anyone about Seth. I wanted it to be natural when I did, so natural that they wouldn’t think enough of it to mention it to the wrong person. I 141

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saw Zack and Jesse once and ducked into a classroom to avoid them. I got some funny stares, but I didn’t care as long as I didn’t have to deal with the dynamic duo.

I waited till after dinner to bring up the subject of Gilly with Adam. When I’d finished telling him he thought for a minute.

“If you are sure she knows what she’s asking, then maybe it would be a good idea, at least until you are ready to come out to everyone. Just be careful to be very up-front with her. Sometimes girls think they can change you if they are just given a chance. Gillian sounds like a very nice girl, though. She’d be a good friend if nothing else.”

After we’d cleaned up the dishes I checked my mail.

There was an e-mail from Kane. It just briefly said that he was sorry he couldn’t call me last week but he was still trying and that things were still bad between him and his mother. I felt so bad for him. He seemed so much younger than 15; I felt like I should protect him, but I wasn’t sure from what, or how, or what I could do. I had enough problems of my own.

After I got off the computer, I decided to call Gilly and see if we were on the same wavelength. A man answered and called Gilly to the phone.

“Hi, Gilly. It’s Killian.”

“Hey! I’m glad you called,” she said, and she sounded like she meant it.

“I was thinking about what you said today, about us pretending to date? Are you sure you want to do that?

I mean, that’s not really fair to you.”

“Hey, don’t worry about me. I offered didn’t I? Look, I’ve been thinking a lot about it. When I offered it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment thing, but now that I’ve thought about it, I still want to do it. I’m not really into any of the guys at school right now, so it’s not like I’ll be missing out on anyone. If something changes, we 142

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officially break up. No biggie. I want to be your friend and this is something I can do to help you out.”

“That means a lot to me, Gilly,” I said, “I don’t know why you are being so nice to me. I’ve never done anything for you. Doesn’t it bother you that I’m gay?”

“Okay, look, you don’t have to do anything for me, Killian. I’m not asking for anything, just your friendship. I’m not one of those Kleenex people who use you and then throw you away. And no, it doesn’t bother me that you are gay. I have an Uncle Rick who is gay so I know you’re not some sort of pervert or anything.”

“What’s up with everybody having an Uncle Rick?”

I asked.

“Huh?” was Gilly’s confused response.

“Asher has a gay Uncle Rick too,” I told her before I thought better of it. I immediately regretted revealing Asher’s personal information, but it was too late now.

Gilly started laughing. “What’s so funny?” I asked.

“Asher’s Uncle Rick and my Uncle Rick is the same person. Asher’s my cousin. I thought you knew that.

His dad and my mom are brother and sister.”

“I had no clue.”

“Oh, well, we have a huge family. Besides my mom, Uncle Alex and Uncle Rick, there’s also Aunt Judy. And that’s just my aunts and uncles, not even counting all the cousins. Aunt Judy, by the way, is a little nutty. She thinks she’s some sort of psychic or something. She says we have gypsy blood in our veins. Don’t I look like a gypsy?” She started giggling again.

I heard a kid’s voice in the background saying, “No, you look like Jar Jar Binks,” followed by childish giggles.

“Who was that?” I asked.

“My little brother, Jamie,” she said, “He’s a huge Star Wars fan. Anakin Skywalker is his hero.”

“I didn’t know you had any brothers.”

“I have three. My older brother Todd is a senior, Jacob, 143

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or Jake, as everybody calls him, is fourteen, and Jamie is five.”

“Wow. I didn’t know that. I’m an only child.”

“Yeah, I know. There’re a lot of things you don’t know about me. I have the advantage since I’ve been obsessed with you for years. Why don’t you come over for dinner tomorrow after school so you can meet my family?

If you’re gonna be my pretend boyfriend then you need to know them.”

“Okay, I’ll check with Adam but I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“Who’s Adam?”

“Adam is Seth’s dad. I live with him now. My dad kicked me out when he found out I was gay.”

“Oh, Killian. That’s horrible. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not as big a deal as it sounds. I hated him anyway. I like living with Adam. He’s cool. He’s more like my dad than my dad. I miss my mom, though.”

“She stayed?”

“Yeah, she’s afraid of him.”

“Well, he is pretty influential around here.”

“Yeah.”

“Hey, Gill, I need to use the phone, time’s up,” I heard another voice say, this time a deeper male voice, though not the one who had answered the phone.

“Okay, Todd, hang on,” Gilly’s voice was a bit muffled, so she must have put her hand over the mouth-piece, then she came back again, “Hey I have to go; Todd wants to use the phone. So you’ll come over tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I’ll try anyway.”

“Okay, I’ll see you in school tomorrow. Buhbye.”

“’Bye.”

I lay back on the bed and thought for a while about what had just happened. It seemed I had gone from dating Asher (however short-lived it had been) to dating his cousin...who was a girl. Curiouser and curiouser.