aterovis_bleedinghearts.pm6 (28 page)

Bleeding Hearts

should call back later.

A sudden disturbing suspicion shot through my mind. “Todd,” I called as he went to hang up.

“Yeah?” he said.

“I didn’t see you last night. Were you there?”

He was quiet for a moment. “I was upstairs in my room. Costume parties aren’t really my thing.” And he hung up.

I sat staring at the phone until the operator came on and told me that if I wanted to make a call, I needed to please hang up and try again. I hung up for a second then picked up again and called Asher.

Asher wanted me to come right over, but Adam didn’t want me to go anywhere and couldn’t take me anyway, and my car, while having been released from impound, was now at the shop getting the glass replaced. We settled for talking on the phone for several hours. We talked about everything from the beginning till now, all the misunderstandings, the hurt feelings...and our true feelings for each other. As we talked things began to fall into place for me, like seeing a puzzle come together before my eyes. I knew now that it was Asher I truly loved. By the time we hung up, I had my first official boyfriend.

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It was two days before I got my car back and several more before Adam would let me go anywhere except school. Meanwhile, Adam called the police twice a day to check on the case progress, which was minimal. All they would tell him was that they were pretty sure it was someone at the party — Well, duh! I was pretty sure of that, too. Give me a detective badge and get me on the force! — and that they were still examining evidence. They did give us one piece of information that lifted a huge burden from my shoulders; they told Adam that the medical examiner had placed the estimated time of death at or around midnight.

I felt guilty for even still having it in the back of my mind, but I had never been able to completely shake the idea that Asher had something to do with the murders. When I found out about the time of death, I was finally able to put that nagging doubt to rest. I had been with Asher, Kane, and Jake all night except for the brief time I was with Dash, and they were with each other that whole time.

Suddenly, I couldn’t wait any longer to see Asher. Of course, Adam didn’t want me to go anywhere by myself, but it didn’t take too much whining before he agreed to let me drive directly to his house as long as I called as soon as I got there. I was out the door before 242

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he could change his mind.

Marcus answered the door. “Killian, hey! Come on in. Dude, did you hear about Zack? Well, I mean, sure you have. Wasn’t that awful? He died while we were at the party! I mean, we were right there! It could have been any of us!”

“Not really,” I said without thinking. I picked up the phone and called Adam and assured him I was safe and sound at the Davis’s.

“What do you mean?” Marcus asked as soon as I hung up.“Well, just that...if the murderer killed Zack, he must have had a reason. I don’t think it was just a random murder any more than I think Seth was killed in a random mugging.”

“Whoa! Zack was murdered? And you think it was connected to Seth’s murder?”

Oops. I had forgotten that the police hadn’t yet released the information that Zack was murdered; just that he was found dead in the creek. I had already said way too much and didn’t know what I should say now, so I settled for, “Yeah, I do. It just makes sense, you know? I mean, I don’t know that he was killed, I just assumed...” Smooth, real smooth, Killian.

“You know more than you’re saying, don’t you?”

“Hey, is Asher here?” I tried desperately to change the subject.

“He’s upstairs in his room. Have you talked to the police?”

“Something like that,” I called over my shoulder as I loped up the stairs. Marcus went as far as to follow me to the base of the stairs, and for a moment I thought he was going to follow me up, but then he just shrugged and wandered off. I breathed a sigh of relief and walked down the hall to Asher’s door. I stood in front of it for a few seconds before taking a deep breath and knocking.

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I watched in amusement mixed with apprehension as Asher opened the door and his eyes widened in surprise. What if he wasn’t happy to see me? I hadn’t called first or anything.

“Hi,” I said, suddenly shy. This was the first time I had seen Asher since we’d become boyfriends, and I was surprised at how nervous I was. I’d known Asher almost all my life; why should I be nervous?

It wasn’t long before my nerves were calmed, though, as Asher broke into a huge smile and opened the door wider.

“Hi, come on in,” he said softly.

I stepped into the room and he shut the door behind me. As he turned to face me, that strange phenomenon that always seems to happen to me at key moments in my life went into effect — time slowed to a stop. Nothing else existed as I looked into his beautiful blue-gray eyes; it was just Asher and me. It was as if we melted into one another as we embraced in a tender hug. Moving as a single unit, we pulled back slightly only to move back in again — this time for the softest, most gentle love-filled kiss I had ever experienced. In that moment, in that utterly perfect moment that would be burned into my memory for the rest of my life, I knew I had made the right choice. I knew that I was meant to be with Asher, now and forever. He completed me. We stood there with our arms around each other and my head on his shoulder, moving to the silent sounds of music that can only be heard with the heart. The notes of an old song that Mom had listened to over and over when I was little began to float through my mind. Soon, the words followed, and I began to softly sing them:

“Someday, when I am old, and the world is cold, I will feel a glow just thinking of you and the way you look tonight. Oh but you’re lovely, with your smile so warm, and your cheek so soft, there is nothing for me 244

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but to love you just the way you look tonight.”

I was very self-conscious about my voice — not that I couldn’t sing, I’d been told I had a very good voice. In fact, I had been in chorus all the way through middle school, often getting solos. When my voice had changed it had become low and husky, which I now found perfectly suited to the old Billie Holiday ballad.

“With each word your tenderness grows, tearing my fear apart, and that laugh that wrinkles your nose touches my foolish heart. Lovely, never, never change.

Keep that breathless charm; won’t you please arrange it ‘cause I love you just the way you look tonight…”

Asher cut off my serenade with another one of those wonderful, tender kisses. This one quickly escalated to a deeper level of passion. Suddenly, Asher pulled back.

His eyes locked on mine as if he were searching them for something.

“Stay with me tonight,” he said softly.

I stood there for a long time. Too long I guess, because before I could say anything I saw the fear and uncertainty flicker through his eyes.

“Killian?” he asked with fear in his voice.

“Asher, I want to. I want to so bad.”

“Then what’s stopping you?” he asked, pulling me closer and running his hands up my back under my shirt.

“I can’t,” I felt his hands freeze on my back and I rushed on, “Asher, I want to do this right. More than anything, I want this to work. I don’t want to miss anything along the way; I don’t want to skip any steps. I don’t want to do anything that would ruin what we have.”

His arms dropped and he took a few steps back, away from me. Pain was written all over his face and I knew that I had goofed once again. Why couldn’t I ever get anything right?

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“So...let me see if I’ve got this right,” Asher said slowly, on the verge of tears, “you are saying that sleeping with me would ruin our relationship?”

“Asher, that’s not what I meant...well, actually, in a way it is, but not in the way you mean.”

“Please explain it to me, then,” he pleaded in a desperate voice.

“I used to think that love was this unstoppable force and that it just picked you up and took you along with it, like a fast-moving river or a tidal wave...but now I know that what I thought was love was just lust. Real love develops over time, more like how a tiny trickle of water from a spring carves a canyon over time. Adam has helped me to see how important sex is; it’s a beautiful and powerful thing, and Asher, I do want to share that with you. But I want it to be right. I want it to be perfect. I don’t want to rush into something this important, something that has such a huge potential to change everything.” I closed the distance between us again.

“Asher, I realized something when we talked on the phone the other night and it was confirmed so strongly just now when I was in your arms...I love you — I love you, Asher!”

Tears spilled over and ran down his cheeks, but he just ignored them. He reached out a trembling hand and touched me softly on the cheek, just for a second and then it was gone, almost leaving me wondering if it had even happened.

“Killian, I’ve loved you for years. I was so jealous when I saw you with Seth. I wanted so badly to tell you how I felt, but I was scared. And then when you got hurt and I thought I might lose you...I was terrified.

When I finally told you I thought everything would be perfect, but nothing went right. I was still scared at first and then there was Gilly. When you said that she was just a cover I thought that maybe I still had a chance but 246

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then I heard you talking to Jake and it was like I had lost you again. And now after all that...here you are, standing here telling me you love me. I want so much to believe that — to believe that you do love me — but I’m scared of losing you again. Maybe tomorrow it’ll be someone else, maybe Jake again or that guy Dash or someone new. Maybe I’m not enough for you. Killian, I love you with all my heart. When I’m with you, it’s the happiest I ever feel, and when I’m not with you it’s like a part of me is missing. You’re all I ever think about.

But as much as I love you I don’t think I could take getting dumped on again. Why am I never enough for you?”

I reached out and gently wiped the tears from his soft cheeks.

“Because I was stupid and confused; I didn’t see what was right in front of my eyes. I won’t be gone tomorrow or the day after that, the day after that, or ever again.

There won’t be anyone else. What I’m trying to say is...you are enough. You are all I want — now and forever. You complete me.”

Asher let out a muffled sob as he collapsed into my arms. I felt my knees buckle as well. I felt physically drained, as if I’d run a marathon. I steered us over to his bed and lowered us onto it. We wrapped ourselves around each other and I held him until he fell asleep.

Once I was sure he was in a deep enough sleep, I slipped out from under him and with a soft kiss on the lips, I left him for the night. I had a lot on my mind on the drive home.

* * *

Nothing else seemed to matter or if it did, it was only in 247

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the abstract, as if everything was far removed from us.

Oh, I kept up with the developments on Seth and Zack’s murders, but that was about it. And even though the police were now taking both killings very seriously, those developments seemed to be few and far between.

They insisted that they were still examining the evidence and that they were confident that they would find the killer.

Jake hadn’t talked to me much since I’d told him about Asher and me. After a lot of talking and consideration, Asher and I decided to come out at school. We didn’t make a big production or really change how we acted, but we told our close friends and let the word spread from there. For the most part, no one really seemed to care. In fact, several people who I would have never expected to had gone out of their way to let us know that they supported us. Gilly was still pretending I didn’t exist, but two of her closest friends made a point of showing that they were behind Asher and me 100%.

Not that everything was a fairy tale — no pun intended.

There were still a few jerks that would make crude comments under their breath every time one of us walked by, and more than a few incidents of name calling, but as Adam said, what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger. And as time went on and it became obvious that our supporters outnumbered our detractors, those incidents became more and more infrequent.

All in all, I felt worse for Jesse than for Asher and me.

I had seen him a few times wondering through the halls, looking as if he was lost. I felt myself actually feeling sorry for him. I know Zack was the real brains behind their dynamic duo — what little brains there were —

and I was sure that Jesse must have really been missing him. I didn’t let myself dwell on it too much, though; after all, he had made my life a living hell and had beaten the crap out of Asher. And besides, I had more impor-248

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tant things to worry about, like how much I loved Asher...and seeing my mom again.

Thanksgiving was only a week away, and I was beginning to get very excited. Mom was planning on coming down for a big Thanksgiving feast that Adam and Steve had been planning for weeks already. Besides those of us who lived in the house and Mom, we were also expecting a few other couples who didn’t have families or whose families were either too far away or not exactly welcoming.

It was the Saturday before Thanksgiving and after much begging and nagging, Adam had finally agreed to let Asher and me drive to Rehoboth Beach and do a little early Christmas shopping. The outlets there have all the best stores: Gap, Old Navy, Pacific Sunwear, and hundreds more. The only stipulation was that we had to be home before dark.

We had a great day of goofing off and we even did a little shopping. We would have made it home in plenty of time, too, if Asher hadn’t suddenly had one of his brainstorm ideas.