Awakenings - SF1 (45 page)

"I'm going on a bike ride, Mother," she replied airily as she continued down the stairs.

Her mother continued to stare at her, so Jamie did not even stop to get a bottle of water. She nearly jogged to the front door and grabbed her bike from the open garage and took off.
Ahhh, freedom.

When she finally met up with Ryan she was already a bit tired. She told her friend the bare outline of the conversation with her father, but she elaborated on the two dinners that she had endured and included the low points of her argument with Jack. Ryan listened carefully, but could not really offer much solace.

Ryan had of course had a lively Thanksgiving. "It was exactly like the party for my birthday except we had cranberry sauce and dressing but no cake. I stole Caitlin right at the start and I didn't have to give her up all day," she gleefully related. "You should hurry up and get married so I can play with your kids," she teased.

As soon as those words hit her ears Jamie was struck by a bolt of panic. She realized with perfect acuity that Ryan would not be a part of her future. Jack would never allow Ryan to attend their family dinners and carry their children around the house. Her father would never warmly welcome Ryan into his home. Marrying Jack would necessarily destroy her friendship with Ryan.

"Jamie, what's wrong?" Ryan asked in alarm as she got a look at her friend's face.

"I think I have a cramp in my thigh," she said as she stopped her bike and hopped off. Ryan did the same and bent down to examine the affected part. While Ryan was bent over Jamie did her best to compose her face. She was absolutely not going to share this revelation with her friend. Ryan began to knead the muscles in her thigh while she gazed up at Jamie's face. After a moment she asked, "Is it better now?"

"Much," Jamie replied as she forced a smile. She gazed at her as she worked on the leg for another minute.
I can't lose you Ryan. I am not going to let them take your friendship from me. No matter what!

After they had ridden for a good 10 miles Jamie pled exhaustion so they found a nice grove of trees and sat at a picnic table to rest. Ryan gave her a sly smile as she patted the top of the concrete table and instructed, "Come on. You know you want it."

She hopped up without a second invitation as Ryan removed her shoes so her feet would not slide on the slick painted surface. Those strong hands started at her feet and worked slowly up her leg. By the time she reached her groin Jamie was tingling with sensation. It took her a second but the realization quickly hit her that this was nothing less than pure sexual arousal. She shook her head and reassured herself that it was not odd to become aroused when anyone touched you in such an intimate way. But she knew she had to put a stop to this quickly. "Could you concentrate on my calf where I had the cramp?" she asked in order to keep those hands away from her crotch.

"Umm, the cramp was up here," she said as she trailed her fingers along the inside of her thigh, mere inches from her throbbing vulva.

"Oh, right. Well, I must have a new one because my calf is sore now," she lied weakly.

Ryan set to work on the illusory cramp and after a few minutes Jamie called a halt to the entire endeavor. "Thanks," she said as she sat up and started to put her shoes back on.

"But I didn't get to the sore spot," she complained.

No, and we'll get arrested if you do,
she thought wryly. "Feels fine," she said even though she knew she would feel much better if she let her continue.

Ryan hopped up on the table and sat next to her. "You seem awfully tense. Are things really going that badly for you?"

"Yeah, they really are," she admitted sadly. "I just don't know what to do about Jack."

"Are you sure you still want to see me as much? I just feel so guilty that I seem to be the cause of your problems."

"No, Ryan," she reassured her forcefully. "You are most definitely not the cause of our problems. We have lots more issues than who I see. Just last night we had another fight about sex."

"Ahh, wanna talk about it?" she asked hesitantly.

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable," Jamie replied, hoping that Ryan would insist.

"I'm not uncomfortable talking about sex, Jamie. You've heard me at the talk line. I just don't want to pry where I don't belong. I don't want to embarrass you."

"So you'd really be okay if I wanted to talk about something really personal?"

"Yep. I guarantee you won't shock me. Remember that I have the most hours logged at the Talk Line," she teased.

"I know, I know, but you never talk about really personal things
,
so I guess I feel like you must not want to."

"No, that's not it at all. I just haven't had many issues come up that have been bothering me. I've been sexually involved with women since I was 17
,
remember. I've had a lot of time to work out my issues."

"Is it hard for everyone to work out their issues as a couple?" she asked thoughtfully.

"I've never been with anyone for an extended period where some issues didn't arise," Ryan admitted. "I mean, how could they not? You're never more open and naked emotionally than you are with your sexual partner. All of your dormant issues come bubbling up to the surface when you expose yourself like that."

"I guess that does make sense," she admitted. "I just don't know how to get anywhere on my issue."

"Tell me about it," Ryan said firmly.

"Well, I know I've hinted that we don't get along great sexually."

Ryan nodded her assent, maintaining her neutral glance.

"Well
,
last night I decided that I was tired of being frustrated. So I got a little more aggressive. I asked him to please me first."

"Is that the first time you've done that?"

"Yeah, it is," she admitted with a blush. "I usually just let him do his thing and hope for the best."

"Go on," Ryan urged.

"I thought it went well. He got me there pretty easily when I gave him a few extra pointers," she said as her blush deepened. "But when he actually entered me he just didn't seem very excited. He finally finished, but it took him forever! Normally he just likes to go to sleep but I asked him what the problem was and he was tired enough that he didn't censor himself. He said he didn't enjoy sex as much when I was satisfied first because I wasn't as responsive. He said I move more and act more excited before I've had an orgasm."

Ryan nodded, trying to remain impassive even though she was beginning to get angry with Jack.

"So the bottom line is that he'd rather I was frustrated so he can have a better orgasm!"

Ryan guessed it was her turn so she jumped in. "What about pleasing you after he has an orgasm?"

"No, I don't think so. I'm usually too sensitive right afterward and his hand just causes too much friction. He tries, but either his fingers are too big or he just doesn't know how to be gentle enough. I get all tense and that just makes him do it harder which is the worst response."

"I've got another suggestion," she said quickly. "What about touching yourself while he's inside? I know the equipment isn't the same but when a woman has her fingers inside me I have to have some stimulation on my clitoris to reach orgasm."

Jamie wasn't sure why but the thought of Ryan on her back with a woman's fingers in her was enough to make her pass out. And just hearing her say 'my clitoris' made her pulse throb. She fought with herself to stay focused on her issues with Jack but the image kept flying through her mind. "I guess I can try that too," she finally agreed. "But I don't really enjoy the penetration all that much so I'm not sure I could get there."

"Um...what about oral sex after he's finished?"

"You're serious, right? He would rather poke his eye out than do that after intercourse. I offered that suggestion once and he acted like I was insane!"

"Too messy?"

"Yeah. But it's his mess!" she said defensively.

"Remind me to count my blessings again today," she teased. She ducked Jamie's swat as she continued in a more serious vein, "What about mutual oral sex?"

"Umm do you mean...?"

"Yeah. Could you give him a blow job while he goes down on you before you have intercourse?" she asked neutrally.

All of a sudden Jamie regretted having brought this entire topic up. She squirmed on the table top for a moment before she said, "I can't do that."

"You can't do what?" Ryan asked gently, sensing Jamie's growing discomfort.

"I can't give him a blow job," she said as the deep pink flush infused her cheeks. "I don't know why but it makes me sick to my stomach."

Now Ryan was stumped. She felt that oral sex was one of the most glorious experiences ever devised and she had a hard time understanding why Jamie would be so opposed to it. "Have you tried it?" she finally asked.

"Yes. I've tried it," she admitted softly. "But he kept hitting that thing in the back of my throat and I truly almost threw up in his lap."

"Uvula," Ryan helpfully supplied.

"Pardon?"

"That thing in the back of your throat is your uvula," she said. To herself she thought,
Any idiot would know not to shove his dick so far down your throat as to make you gag
, but she said, "It sounds like he got a little carried away. Maybe you should try it again but make sure you control how deep he goes. If you stayed on top of him you have a better chance of controlling things."

"I guess I have to try it again," she conceded, but she looked so glum that Ryan felt sorry for her.

"You're going to be with him for a very long time," she reminded her. "You don't have to have all of your sexual issues worked out before you get married but if you close the door to a lot of experiences I'm afraid you'll never try to open the door again."

Jamie pursed her lips and nodded her head slowly. "I know I need to be more open, Ryan. But part of me is just selfish. I know Jack doesn't like to use his mouth on me and I'm unwilling to get over my fears if he isn't willing to do the same. I'm afraid it'll just be me pleasing him without him trying to please me."

"Jamie," she said gently. "Please don't take this as criticism but it puzzles me that you seem to begrudge doing things to please him. I mean, I've never been with a man but if men turned me on I think I'd be playing with their penises all day long. Like when I'm with a woman," she said softly as her voice became gentler and rather sensual. "It's her breasts and her vulva that turn me on. I just can't keep my hands off them," she laughed gently. "Don't you feel that way about his penis?"

Oh God, why did you have to say that!
she screamed to herself as her mind locked on the image of Ryan's hands on her breasts. "Um, well...no, I don't think like that about his penis," she admitted. She placed her hands behind herself and leaned back on her locked arms. "I've never thought about it this way, Ryan," she had to admit. "But I don't think of his penis as a toy for both of us to play with. It seems more like the little dictator," she admitted with a wry laugh.

"Huh?"

"Our sex life is all about his penis," she revealed. "When he's hard he wants to have intercourse. It's really simple for him. He comes inside me and within a few minutes he's satisfied. But it doesn't work like that for me," she explained. "I mean..." She looked at Ryan for a moment and tried to translate her frustration to fit Ryan's sexual orientation. "Remember those dildoes we saw at 'Good Vibrations?"

"Yes, I have a working knowledge of those," she said with an impish look.

Jamie gave her a playful swat and continued. "How would you like it if you were dating someone for a long while and every time she pulled that dildo out you were supposed to be turned on just by looking at it?"

"Umm...just by looking at it?"

"Yeah. And most mornings you felt it jabbing you in the back and you knew that she just wanted you to turn over so she could put it in you?" Now Jamie was getting into the topic and the words just flew from her lips. "And every time you made any serious romantic gesture the dildo popped up again. If you kissed her with any passion or rubbed your hand on her thigh, the dildo would come out and you'd be on your back with it inside you."

"Umm, no other foreplay?" Ryan asked weakly.

"Sometimes," Jamie admitted. "But the dildo is where all the focus is. Your partner gets almost all of their satisfaction from putting that dildo inside of you, no matter how turned on you are. And once she's thrust it in you enough she pulls it out and looks at you with an expectant smile and asks, 'Did you come?' "

Ryan nodded her head briefly and gave the obvious answer. "I'd take the damn dildo and throw it away," she admitted. "I wouldn't allow her to use sex toys on me if she couldn't be more connected to my body."

"That's just how I feel sometimes," she admitted. "I don't agree with Lorena Bobbit's tactics but I have empathy for her," she said with a chuckle. "His penis just dictates everything, Ryan. And when he has an orgasm he seems to lose all motivation to continue to please me. I mean, he makes the gesture, but I can tell he wants me to cuddle him and let him go to sleep."