B007Q6XJAO EBOK (35 page)

150 “Cad” Cooper: Quoted in Selina Hastings, “A Dedicated Hedonist Duff Cooper Was the Consummate Diplomat—Except in His Love Life, Says Selina Hastings,”
Sunday Telegraph
(London), October 2, 2005.

150 Hip dating instructors: Mystery,
Mystery Method
, 97, 96.

150 “love is a form of flattery”: William Gass, “Throw the Emptiness out of Your Arms: Rilke’s Doctrine of Nonpossessive Love,” in Solomon and Higgins, eds.,
Philosophy of (Erotic) Love
, 453.

150 “Thy other self”: John Milton,
Paradise Lost
(London: Bensley, 1802), vol. 2, book 8, lines 450–451, 55.

151 When Lucy arrives: Megan Chance,
An Inconvenient Wife
(New York: Grand Central, 2005), 64.

151 course of her treatment: Ibid., 109.

151 “I understand you”: Ibid., 156.

151 Desperate to be: Ibid., 233.

151 say erotic philosophers: Barthes,
Lover’s Discourse
, 228, 226; Solomon,
About Love
, 24, passim., especially the “Intimacy” chapter, 272–283; Robert Sternberg, for whom “intimacy” is one of the three essential components of love, “Triangulating Love,” in Robert J. Sternberg and Michael L. Barnes, eds.,
The Psychology of Love
(New Haven, CT: Yale University Press, 1988), 120; and John R. Haule,
Divine Madness: Archetypes of Romantic Love
(Boston: Shambhala, 1990), 42–61.

151 While both sexes crave ego fusion: Hormonally, desire generates the release of vasopressin in men and oxytocin, “the love hormone,” in women, which triggers intimacy and connection. See Liebowitz,
Chemistry of Love
, 116.

152 complain of inadequate intimacy: Meston and Buss,
Why Women Have Sex
, 51. Surveys continually document this. Women’s rise in infidelity, according to a
Newsweek
study, is caused in part by parallel lives “instead of intersecting ones.” Lorraine Ali and Lisa Miller, “The Secret Lives of Wives,”
Newsweek
, July 12, 2004. See, too, Nancy Friday,
Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women’s Sexual Fantasies
(New York: Pocket Books, 1991), 50.

152 Diamond believes: Cited in Bergner, “What Do Women Want?”

152 Even in the womb: See Brizendine,
Female Brain
, 37, 67–70, passim; and Natalie Angier,
Woman: An Intimate Geography
(New York: Anchor Books, 1999), 330–348.

152 man who acknowledges that need: Rafford Pyke, “What Women Like in Men (1901),” in Susan Ostrov Weisser, ed.,
Women and Romance
(New York: New York University Press, 2001), 48.

152 Egyptian myth: “Isis and Osiris,” in Diane Wolkstein, ed.,
The First Love Stories: From Isis and Osiris to Tristan and Iseult
(New York: HarperPerennial, 1991), 14.

152 Kali, the Hindu energy: “Shiva and Sati” in ibid., 79.

152 Becoming “one”: Walter F. Otto,
Dionysus: Myth and Cult
, trans. Robert B. Palmer (Bloomington: Indiana University Press, 1965), 123.

152 women of fairy tales and myth: Haule,
Divine Madness
, 51.

152 “red, bald, and short-sighted”: Quoted in “Frederick II,” GluedIdeas.com, http://gluedideas.com/Encyclopedia-Britannica-Volume-9-Part-2-Extraction-Gambrinus/Frederick-Ii.html (accessed August 21, 2011).

153 “They were one person”: Johann Wolfgang von Goethe,
Elective Affinities
, trans. R. J. Hollingale (1809; New York: Penguin, 1971), 286.

153 “Nelly, I am Heathcliffe”: Emily Brontë,
Wuthering Heights
, ed. Pauline Nestor (1847; New York: Penguin, 1995), 82.

153 “or the impression of it”: Claire Messud,
The Emperor’s Children
(New York: Vintage, 2006), 10.

153 “into the heads of women”: James Collins,
Beginners’ Greek
(New York: Little, Brown, 2008), 64.

153 “The human heart”: Ibid., 111.

153 “can read her mind!”: Christie Ridgway,
Unravel Me
(New York: Berkley, 2008), 221.

153 Botts argues: Amber Botts, “Cavewoman Impulses: The Jungian Shadow Archetype in Popular Romance Fiction,” in Anne K. Kaler and Rosemary E. Johnson-Kurek, eds.,
Romantic Conventions
(Bowling Green, OH: Bowling Green State University Popular Press, 1999), 62–74.

153 “You’re not really”: Jane Green,
Mr. Maybe
(New York: Broadway Books, 1999), 19.

154 “you’ve got your other half”: Ibid., 298.

154 “I would do anything”: Paul to Meg, TV Megasite, “As the World Turns Transcript 3/27/08,” http://tvmegasite.net/transcripts/atwt/main/2008transcripts.html (accessed May 15, 2012).

154 “The desire for intimacy”: Martha Nochimson,
No End to Her: Soap Opera and the Female Subject
(Berkeley: University of California Press, 1992), 127.

154 “like two wheels”:
Complete K
ā
ma S
ū
tra
, 76.

154 advocate of up-close seduction: Ovid,
Art of Love
, 140.

154 Stendhal adjured men: Stendhal,
Love
, trans. Gilbert Sale and Suzanne Sale (New York: Penguin, 1975), 104–108.

154 concept of spiritual union: For a summary of this yearning, see Norman O. Brown,
Life against Death: The Psychoanalytical Meaning of History
(Middleton, CT: Wesleyan University Press, 1959), 43, 40–53.

154 unrelieved togetherness can also depress: See Esther Perel,
Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic
(New York: HarperCollins, 2006), 24, where she concludes from her work that “emotional intimacy is often accompanied by decreased sexual desire.”

155 engineers of intimacy: John Lahr describes Frank Sinatra as an “engineer of intimacy” in
Sinatra: The Artist and Man
(New York: Random House, 1997), 22.

155 “the kiss that unites”: Judith Summers,
Casanova’s Women: The Great Seducer and the Women He Loved
(New York: Bloomsbury, 2006), 14.

155 With the castrato Bellino: Lydia Flem,
Casanova: The Man Who Really Loved Women
, trans. Catherine Temerson (New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1997), 101.

155 “absolutely loved him”: Quoted in Nick Salvatore,
Singing in a Strange Land: C. L. Franklin: The Black Church and the Transformation of America
(New York: Little, Brown, 2005), 205.

155 “his uncanny ability”: Quoted in ibid., 157, 209.

155 “old guy”: Quoted in John D. Gartner,
In Search of Bill Clinton: A Psychological Biography
(New York: St. Martin’s Press, 2008), 308.

155 Sheehy observes: Gail Sheehy,
Hillary’s Choice
(New York: Ballantine Books, 2000), 99.

155 “he makes you feel”: Quoted in Gartner,
In Search of Bill Clinton
, 304.

155 “crawl into your soul”: Quoted in ibid., 99.

156 Many inamoratas have stayed close: See ibid., 44; Sheehy,
Hillary’s Choice
, 186–188; and Joe Klein,
The Natural: The Misunderstood Presidency of Bill Clinton
(New York: Broadway Books, 2002), 115.

156 But he made the exploration: Dr. C. George Boeree, “Personality Theories: Carl Jung: 1875–1961,” webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/jung.html (accessed May 29, 2009). See Sara Corbett, who asserts that “Carl Jung founded the field of analytical psychology,” in “The Holy Grail of the Unconscious,”
New York Times Magazine
, September 16, 2009.

156 “a great lover”: Quoted in Ronald Hayman,
A Life of Jung
(New York: W. W. Norton, 1999), 147.

156 In therapy, patients projected: C. G. Jung,
The Psychology of Transference
(Bollingen Series, vol. 16), trans. R. F. C. Hull (Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press, 1966), 14.

156 Jung’s manner invited intimacy: Irving Wallace et al.,
The Intimate Sex Lives of Famous People
(New York: Delacorte Press, 1981), 428.

156 Through a revolutionary regimen: Person,
Dreams of Love
, 251.

157 “Jungfrauen”: This is a comic pun on the German word for “virgin.”

157 “What would you expect”: Quoted in Deidre Bair,
Jung: A Biography
(New York: Little, Brown, 2003), 248.

157 “like the two poles”: Boeree, “Personality Theories: Carl Jung.”

157 “story of [his] life”: “Jung on Freud,” excerpt from
Memories, Dreams, Reflections
by C. G. Jung, ed. Aniela Jaffe, in
Atlantic Monthly
, November 1962, 47, 48.

157 coaches caution men: Paul Janka, ebook, “Attraction Formula—Step-by-Step Secrets to Meeting Women,” 2008, 30; and Paul Janka, email, “Lose My Number,” March 18, 2009.

CHAPTER 5: LOCKING IN LOVE

159 “Love consists almost”: Honoré de Balzac,
The Physiology of Marriage: Petty Troubles of Married Life
, ed. J. Walker McSpadden (Philadelphia: Avil, 1901), 195.

160 “Give me ten minutes”: Attributed, perhaps apocryphally, to Voltaire, en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Talk:Voltaire (accessed July 22, 2010).

160 “Women”: Wilkie Collins,
The Woman in White
(New York: New American Library, 1985), 259.

161 Women have a larger communication center: See Louann Brizendine,
The Female Brain
(New York: Broadway Books, 2006), 36, 131.

161 emotional-linguistic parts: See ibid., 127–128, 38.

161 When women connect: Ibid., 37.

161 In poll after poll: Laurence Roy Stains and Stefan Bechtel,
What Women Want: What Every Man Needs to Know about Sex, Romance, Passion, and Pleasure
(New York: Ballantine, 2000), 149; Fiona M. Wilson,
Organizational Behaviour and Gender
(Hants, UK: Ashgate, 2003), 179; John Townsend,
What Women Want—What Men Want
(New York: Oxford University Press, 1998), 11–13; and Cindy M. Meston and David M. Buss,
Why Women Have Sex: Women Reveal the Truth about Their Sex Lives, from Adventure to Revenge (and Everything in Between)
(New York: St. Martin’s Griffin, 2009), 134.

161 Silence is the number-one gripe: Stains and Bechtel,
What Women Want
, 149; and Deborah Tannen,
You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation
(New York: Ballantine Books, 1990), 81.

161 Studies suggest: For a sample, see Deborah Tannen, “Sex, Lies, and Conversation; Why Is It So Hard for Men and Women to Talk to Each Other?”
Washington Post
, June 24, 1990, www9.georgetown.edu/faculty/tannend/sexlies.htm (accessed November 19, 2011); and Lorraine Ali and Lisa Miller, “The Secret Lives of Wives,”
Newsweek
, July 12, 2004. See especially John Gottman,
Why Marriages Succeed or Fail . . . And How You Can Make Yours Last
(New York: Fireside Books/Simon & Schuster, 1994), where he predicts with 91 percent accuracy who will get divorced based on problematic communication.

161 Sociolinguists attribute the problem: See Tannen’s seminal
You Just Don’t Understand
, 42, passim. Professor of developmental psychopathology Simon Baron-Cohen contends that the male brain is hardwired for tunnel vision—building systems and negotiating status via conversation—not for empathy and intimacy. See the discussion in Sabine Durant, “Are Men Boring?”
Intelligent Life
, June 11, 2008, www.moreintelligentlife.com/story/are-men-boring.

161 “to be in a relationship”: Maureen Dowd,
Are Men Necessary? When Sexes Collide
(New York: Berkley Books/Penguin, 2006), 47.

161 In and out of bed: Lionel Shriver,
The Post-Birthday World
(New York: HarperPerennial, 2007), 6.

162 In Elin Hilderbrand’s: Elin Hilderbrand,
A Summer Affair
(New York: Little, Brown, 2008), 233, 177, 234.

162 The Irish Ogma: Gertrude Jobes,
Dictionary of Mythology, Folklore and Symbols
(New York: Scarecrow Press, 1961), 1,200, 761.

162 “clever speech”: Quoted in Euripides,
The Bacchae, Classical Myths
, trans. Herbert M. Howe, ed. Barry B. Powell (Englewood, NJ: Prentice Hall, 1995), 263.

162 “sweet and persuasive”: Quoted in Adam, “Gorgias + Derrida = Seductive Communication,” New Media and the Futures of Writing, March 21, 2011, http://fow.jamesjbrownjr.net/2011/03/gorgias-derrida-seductive-communication//.

162 “Verbal courtship”: Geoffrey Miller,
The Mating Mind: How Sexual Choice Shaped the Evolution of Human Nature
(New York: Anchor Books/Random House, 2001), 351.

162 Language itself: Norman O. Brown,
Life against Death: The Psychoanalytic Meaning of History
(Middletown, CT: Wesleyan University Press, 1959), 69. See Dr. C. George Boeree, “The Origins of Language,” http://webspace.ship.edu/cgboer/langorigins.html (accessed May 15, 2012); Jean Baudrillard, who analyzes the “primitive seduction of language,” in
Seduction
, trans. Brian Singer (New York: St. Martin’s Press, 1990), 54; and Timothy Taylor,
The Prehistory of Sex
(New York: Bantam, 1996), 48–49.

163 mark of “mating intelligence”: Glenn Geher, Geoffrey Miller, and Jeremy Murphy, “Mating Intelligence: Toward an Evolutionarily Informed Construct,” in Glenn Geher and Geoffrey Miller, eds.,
Mating Intelligence: Sex, Relationships, and the Mind’s Reproductive System
(New York: Psychology Press, Taylor and Frances Group, 2007), 20.

163 “Women are conquered”: Ovid,
The Art of Love
, trans. Rolfe Humphries (Bloomington: Indiana University Press, 1957), 119.

163 European, Arabic, and Indian love literature: Andreas Capellanus,
The Art of Courtly Love
, trans. John Jay Parry (New York: Columbia University Press, 1960), 195. The Arabian
Perfumed Garden
places a large emphasis on verbal courtship, maintaining that “a woman can always be made rampant by words of love.” Shaykh Nefzawi,
The Perfumed Garden
, trans. Sir Richard F. Burton (New York: Putnam, 1964), 85. The Indian
K
ā
ma S
ū
tra
is still more emphatic on the need for men to master seductive speech: a man who even suffers “a certain contempt, has success with women if he is a good talker.”
The Complete K
ā
ma S
ū
tra
, trans. Alain Daniélou (Rochester, VT: Park Street Press, 1994), 56.