Baby Comes First (17 page)

It’s not right to read someone else’s
letters, she told herself sternly. These were his private
thoughts.

But he was her husband.

I’ll only look at a few, she decided, and
glanced through the pile. There were valentines, birthday and
anniversary cards, and letters. Dozens of letters. One letter was
written on hotel stationery. “I’m in the middle of a trial, and all
I can think of is – how soon can I get out of here and back home to
you?”

From a valentine: “It’s been five years and I
love you as much as ever.”

Love.
Luke said love was nothing more
than hormones and infatuation.

He had lied.

All these letters were evidence that he loved
Gloria in a way he didn’t love her.

Maybe he still loved her. Both Luke and his
sister Margaret had made it sound as if the marriage had not been a
happy one, but Hannah didn’t know what to believe any more.

She cried for a few minutes, then dried her
tears, and put all his letters and cards back in the hat box.

She waited until Luke had come home, and
eaten dinner, before telling him, “We need to talk.”

“That sounds ominous.”

“It is, rather.” She asked him to sit with
her in the living room.

He followed her into the living room and sat
on the couch. “What’s the problem?” He frowned. “Is something wrong
with Rachel?”

“No.”

He looked relieved. “Did you fire the
contractor?”

Painters had begun working in the den earlier
that week. They had primed the walls and started with the first
coat of Peaceful glade. The furniture and floors were covered with
cloths. “No. The remodeling is going well.”

“Then what is it? I hope it isn’t something
complicated, because I’m flying out of town tomorrow.”

“I know.” He was heading out to New Mexico
for the last minute preparations before his trial began Monday
morning. She handed him Gloria’s hat box. “I found these today, and
thought you should have them.”

He lifted the lid and looked at the contents,
obviously surprised. “I didn’t know she’d saved these,” he said
quietly.

Hannah waited, watching his reaction.

He looked at one card, opened it, read the
message and frowned. Was he remembering the time he’d given her the
card, and re-living the pain of her death?

“Maybe I should let you look at these by
yourself,” she said awkwardly, rising to her feet. The last thing
she wanted was to watch him relive his first marriage. She would
let him have his privacy.

“No,” he said quickly, catching her hand and
bringing her back to the couch. “It doesn’t matter. I hadn’t
realized that I’d written so many, but over the years, they must
have added up, and it looks like she saved every one.”

Hannah tried to keep her voice steady. “Was
Gloria a sentimental person?”

“Not particularly. She was an orderly one.
She had a place for everything and wanted everything in its
place.”

“And you loved her.”

“Yes.”

That word seemed to hang in the air like an
invisible wall between them. Hannah bit her lip. She chose her
words carefully. “Before, when you talked about your marriage, you
said you weren’t happy together.”

“We weren’t. I loved her, but it wasn’t
enough. I did everything I could think of, but I couldn’t make
Gloria happy.”

She’d wanted Luke to open up, to share his
feeling, and it was too late now to change her mind. No matter how
much his revelations pained her, she had to go forward. “Did she
love you?”

He shrugged. “I’m not certain. She said she
did -- at least in the beginning. Perhaps she loved me as much as
she was capable of. She wasn’t a particularly loving person. She
was too intense, restlessly searching for something, anything that
would make her life perfect. The perfect dress, the perfect house,
the perfect baby. At one point, she must have thought I would make
the perfect husband, but I failed her.”

She could hear the pain in his voice.

He continued, “Perhaps some of her mood
swings were caused by the brain tumor, but for whatever reason, she
wasn’t a happy person.”

“And she broke your heart,” she guessed.

He nodded, still looking at the letters. “She
killed it, piece by piece.”

Hannah wondered, was there anything left in
his heart for her?

He added, “When we were unable to get
pregnant, I knew she was unhappy, but I thought it was a phase we
were going through, and that in time, things would get better.
Maybe we could adopt, but she didn’t like that idea. Then one day I
happened to read one of her older emails and discovered that she
had an affair years before.”

Hannah drew her breath in sharply. “Oh
no.”

He smiled bitterly. “Yes. I hadn’t seen the
signs. She’d fooled me completely. They say that the person who
cares the least controls a relationship, and it’s true.”

Was that what was going to happen with them?
Since Luke didn’t love her, would he be the one in control?

Luke continued, “From the emails, it looked
like she loved him more than she loved me, but I don’t know what
she actually felt.”

Rejected by his father and betrayed by his
wife
. No wonder he didn’t believe in love. Hannah asked, “If
she did love him, why didn’t she ask for a divorce?”

“I made more money that he did.”

Hannah’s heart ached for him. “So what did
you do?”

“I confronted her, and she was angry. She
didn’t want to talk about it, and I wondered what other secrets
she’d been hiding.”

“Other men?”

“I don’t know. I suggested we go to
counseling to rebuild our relationship, but then she became
ill.”

And instead of divorcing her and letting her
die alone, he had stayed with her. Doing his duty, as he saw it.
Hannah didn’t think she’d realized the depths of his resolve until
today.

He carefully put the lid back on the hat box.
“Thank you for showing these to me, but I don’t need to keep them.
You can throw them out.”

“If you want to get rid of them, you’re going
to have to do it yourself.” Her words came out sharper than she
intended. “Sorry.”

His eyes darkened as he looked at her
closely. “You’re upset, and it’s not just about the cards.”

“That’s right. I’m worried about us, and
where we’re headed. I don’t want to have a miserable marriage.”

“But we won’t,” he said, taking her hands in
his. “We’re doing well. At least I thought we were. Is there
something you haven’t told me?”

Hannah’s heart seemed to beat in her throat.
“For the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking that you didn’t know
how to love, but the truth is, you don’t want to love again. You
don’t want to love me.”

“No, I don’t. Love is hell,” he said flatly.
“It’s better to avoid it all together. That way, neither one of us
gets hurt.”

Hannah shook her head. “It’s too late for
that. Whether you like it or not, I love you.”

She could tell he didn’t want to hear the
words. He said, “Give yourself time. You’ll get over it.”

She couldn’t believe what she was hearing.
She pulled her hands away. “I don’t want to get over it. It’s not
like having the flu.”

“But it can be a sickness. People in love
want too much, they feel too much. They’re bound to be
disappointed, and then love dies. Isn’t it better to avoid all the
melodrama and enjoy a friendly partnership?”

“You’re saying I should be happy with what we
have.”

“Precisely. We’re good together.”

“How long will that last if you keep me at a
distance?”

He leaned forward and kissed her. “I don’t
want to keep you at a distance.”

Her lips clung to his, then she pulled
herself away. “Stop it. You are deliberately trying to distract
me.”

“That was the general idea.”

His smile was very tempting, but she refused
to give in. “I can understand why you are hesitant to love again,
but I’m not Gloria.”

“I know. And I’m grateful for that. I like
you, Hannah. I like being with you.”

It was not enough. “Without your love -- what
kind of a marriage will we have?”

“The kind we both agreed to.”

He was right. She had agreed to his
contractual terms, but secretly, she had always wanted more.
“Without love, I’m nothing more than a housekeeper, a nanny,–” She
looked him straight in the eye. “A mistress.”

“That’s nonsense. You’re my wife.”

She could tell by his rising voice that she’d
annoyed him. “You say love is hell, but I disagree. Love is
wonderful. It’s what most people want more than anything else. But
love is also a choice. It starts out small, a gift, a miracle
between two people. I think we have the beginnings of it right now,
whether you acknowledge or not. But it’s like a plant. It needs
nourishment to grow larger and stronger. But if you ignore it, put
it away in a closet, it will die. Not that the love couldn’t have
grown into something wonderful, but it didn’t because you chose to
let it die. That’s what’s happening now. You refuse to accept my
love.”

For a moment, there was silence as he
considered what she was saying. Finally he said, “You make it sound
so serious, as if there’s no hope for us. That’s not rational.
We’re happier than most married people I know.”

“Maybe you’re happy, but I’m not.”

He leaned forward. “Why can’t we talk about
this later, after my trial, when we’ll have more time together?
I’ll take a vacation, and we can go someplace warm.”

“You think a vacation will change my mind,
make me accept the status quo?”

“No, but I think you’re over-reacting. You’re
upset and you’re not thinking clearly. This isn’t like you.”

She took a deep breath. “I’m afraid that if
you don’t return my love, I’ll grow to hate you, like you grew to
hate Gloria.”

He frowned. “I don’t hate Gloria. At times I
thought I did, but not now.”

“Now that she’s dead and you don’t have to
deal with her any more. You can box up your feelings like those
cards.” She pointed to the hat box.

“You’re not making sense.”

“I think I’m making sense for the first time
in long time. I love you, Luke, but I’m not going to keep lying to
myself, thinking you’re going to change -- that one day you’re
going to appreciate me.”

“I do appreciate you.”

But not the way he’d appreciated Gloria.
Hannah looked away, unable to meet his gaze. “Maybe it’s better to
make a clean break now, and try to salvage what we can.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’ll move out.”

He was silent for a moment, and she knew her
statement had stunned him.

Tell me to stay
, she thought,
searching his face for a glimmer of emotion.
Take me in your
arms. Tell me you can’t live without me.

He didn’t move. When he spoke, his words were
flat, emotionless. “What about Rachel?”

Remember Hannah
, a
s far as Luke is
concerned, Rachel is more important than you are.
“We’ll work
that out.”

“Do you want a divorce?”

“I don’t know. That depends on you.”

He sighed and ran his fingers through his
hair. “I don’t have time for games, Hannah. My trial starts Monday.
I’m flying out to New Mexico tomorrow.”

She’d picked the wrong time to try to talk to
him. He was pre-occupied with work. If she pushed too hard, he’d
let her go without a fight. “Do what you need to do,” she said
finally. “I won’t keep you.”

His eyes darkened. “Promise me you’ll be here
when I get back.”

“I can’t promise that.”

CHAPTER TWELVE

Getting on the airplane the next day was the
hardest thing Luke Jamison had ever done. Hannah had woken early,
making sure she was there, sitting at the table while he ate
breakfast. She dressed Rachel in a cute jumper and let him kiss
them both good bye. “Have a good trip,” she said politely.

He had no idea what she was thinking.

Would they be gone when he came back? He
couldn’t let himself dwell on it. He had a trial to win, and once
that was over, he’d do what he could to change Hannah’s mind, to
convince her to stay with him, to honor the commitments she’d
made.

As he waited with his legal team to board the
plane, he wished he’d never written a single letter to Gloria, or
that he’d thrown them out, or that Hannah had never found them.

But he was a realist. He couldn’t change the
past. He had to deal with the here and now.

The boarding clerk took his electronic
boarding pass and he walked up to the airplane.

He sat and fastened his seatbelt. He stared
out the window at the runway. He didn’t understand why the letters
had upset Hannah so much. Was she jealous of Gloria? That was
ridiculous. He and Gloria had been miserable most of their time
together.

Hannah wanted him to love her.

What was he supposed to do – lie?

Luke was determined that this time around,
he’d be completely honest, but maybe she didn’t want honesty. He’d
thought he’d found the ideal woman: calm and rational with a sense
of humor. Sexy, too. And now, he felt as if all his assumptions had
blown up in his face.

Maybe I should go back, he thought as the
airplane sped down the runway and lurched as it lifted off the
ground.

It was too late. He had a job to do. He’d
talk to Hannah later, once he’d figured out what to say. Until
then, he’d hope that she’d somehow come to her senses.

“Would you like something to drink?” the
flight attendant asked.

He shook his head. “No.”

#

Christine saw Hannah’s car parked in front of
her old house and came over to investigate. “How are you doing?”
she asked, then frowned as she saw the suitcases in the living
room.

“I’ve left Luke,” Hannah announced, then
burst into tears.