Back to Life (5 page)

“I’ll be fine, Ty,” I said firmly. “Handle your business. I’ll find something on TV. Maybe Coming to America will be on,” I concluded with a smile.  I sat on the couch and pulled the folded blanket into my lap.

Giving me a relieved smile, Ty informed, “The door in the corner beside the TV is a restroom. The one near the filing cabinet is a closet.” He walked down the short hallway and before he left opened the door to leave, he promised, “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

Hearing the
door shut, I slipped off my sandals and got comfortable across the couch. I unfolded the blanket and covered myself and gazed at the stained glass window.  It was remarkable.  It represented something spiritual. Not just because it was stained glass, but because of the feeling the window evoked.  The window made me feel love and loss. And suddenly, with the absence of Ty, I was overcome with the strength of my emotions. I laid my head on the arm of the couch.  I closed my eyes with the intention of listening to whatever channel the TV was on in an attempt to force the memories away.

Chapter 5
 

I heard him before I felt him. “You’re okay. I got you S
ahara. I got you. You’re okay. Sahara, I’m here,” Ty whispered soothingly, holding me tightly.

My initial reaction was to push him away, embarrassed to be caught
at my most vulnerable state. I tried pushing him away but my arms lacked strength.  I just managed to move my arms enough to cover my face self-consciously.  He continued repeating that it was going to be okay as he stroked my hair. Putting my embarrassment on hold, I relished in the safety of his arms.
Even if what he’s saying is complete bullshit, it feels good to be comforted
, I thought as I focused on my breathing.

Once I had gotten myself together, I
gathered enough strength to push myself out of his muscular arms.  He released me and when I looked in his eyes, I wished I hadn’t.  His chestnut brown eyes were full of concern and sadness. I didn’t see the pity, I expected. Pity would’ve made me mad, giving me the motivation I needed to end whatever it was that was happening between us.  Seeing concern in his eyes made me hurt for all that I’d lost, all that I’d given up. Fresh tears sprung to my eyes and I looked away, wiping at my eyes and cheeks in an attempt to dry my damp face. Ty slid down the couch a bit so I could sit up with my back against the arm of the couch that I was using as a pillow.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know…what to say.”
I apologized quietly. I leaned forward slightly so I could rest my head in my hands, covering my face.

Pulling my hands forward to uncover my face, Ty met my eyes with such sincerity. “You don’t have anything to apologize for Sahara. I-I just want to know what’s wrong.”

Knowing I owed him an explanation, my eyes filled with tears. 
I’ve never actually said the words before. I can’t do this. I can’t. It’s hard enough reliving them in my mind, in my thoughts, in my nightmares. I can’t speak about it out loud.
Biting the inside of my cheek, I kept the tears from falling. I couldn’t continue looking him in his eyes as I responded, “Nothing is wrong. Bad dream maybe.”

Ty drew his eyebrows together, perplexed. “Sahara…
I came in here and you were crying. Hard. I’m worried about you.”  He took a deep breath and continued gently, “If you don’t want to tell me yet, I get it. We’ve only known each other for a day.  But don’t lie to me. I know something is wrong. And it could’ve been a bad dream, but I don’t think it was.” He put his hand on my hand and squeezed. A barely audible “thank you” escaped my trembling lips.

When I felt like I could look at him without coming apart, I gave a slight smile. “Thank you
. For understanding,” I said again, more clearly this time.

“
Of course,” he responded seriously. A few seconds ticked by before I realized we were still holding hands. Heat traveled from his hand to mine, slowly creeping up my body until the entirety of my skin felt flushed. I glanced down at his hand and he must have seen where my eyes landed because he slowly removed his hand. Inexplicably, my hand felt bereft without his.

What am I doing?
I thought to myself guiltily.
This has officially gone way beyond friendly neighbor status. Whatever this is. Whatever this could be. I don’t deserve it. So I need not even entertain it.
Trying to process with my warring emotion and needing something to do with my hands, I folded the blanket. Placing the neatly folded fabric on the back of the couch where it belonged, I avoided eye contact.

I could feel Ty’s eyes on me the entire time.  “Are you okay?” he asked gently.

“No, but I’m dealing,” I answered honestly. “Was it horrible?” I quietly asked in reference to what he had just witnessed.

“It just made me sad. You seemed so hurt,” Ty’s voice held so much tenderness in
it.  I let his words repeat in my head. 
He just witnessed something I’ve never allowed anyone to see. Something I moved away from any and everything remotely familiar to me in order to keep people from seeing. And I’ve known this man for less than 24 hours and I’ve exposed all of that to him
, I thought as I rubbed my temples.
Why is this happening?

Ty stood up and then
extended his hand toward me.  Without any hesitation, I took his hand and he helped me to my bare feet. We were standing mere inches apart with our hands still lightly touching.  I felt the same heat radiating through my body, stemming from where our hands connected.  I looked up into his brown eyes and my breath hitched.  His hands slowly ran up my arm from my palms to my shoulders causing goose bumps along the way. He pulled me into him. And he just hugged me.

I felt years of
pent up guilt, heartache, and pain well up as I buried my head in his chest. I wrapped my arms around his torso and clutched to him like my life depended on it. I kept the tears at bay, not wanted to deal with the onslaught of emotions. I felt one of his hands gently stroking my back while the other cradled my head. I hadn’t felt that safe in a long time.
I want this
, the thought surprising me. There’s this undeniable pull that I feel around Ty.
If I go there with him, it won’t be like it was with Jacob or Reese or Terrell. It was only physical with them. There’s something here. If I let this happen, there won’t be any turning back. I don’t think I’m ready for that. I’m scared. I’m scared of what it will open up in me. Of what it will do to me. Of how he will look at me if he knew what I had done. That settles it. I let my guard down once and that was my mistake. I won’t do it again.
I opened my mouth to tell Ty that my staying at Jimmy’s longer than I intended was a mistake and that I should go. But his voice was the first to break through the silence of the room.

“I’m sorry I left you alone,” Ty said softly.

I pulled my head off of his chest to look at him, “What? You have nothing to be sorry for.” I searched his sad eyes trying to figure out what happened.
Oh my God, what did I say in my sleep?

“I checked on you after the me
eting with the restaurant staff. The meeting took a little longer than I anticipated so I wanted to make sure you were okay.  You were sleeping and I didn’t want to wake you. I went to the lounge and dealt with things there. That took a lot longer than I anticipated. So I didn’t get back in here until everyone had emptied out of the building a little while ago. When I walked back in here, I heard you. You sounded like you were in pain. I just feel like I should’ve been here. I’m sorry I left you alone Sahara.”

My mind was racing
:
I don’t want him to feel as though this is his fault. But in order for him to know that this was not a result of me being left alone, I’ll have to disclose my past.
I looked into his eyes and pleaded, “Please don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t you…at all. You’re great. This night has been great. I just…have trouble sleeping.” I stammered.  He hugged me tighter.

A few silent minutes pass before Ty
kissed the top of my head and pulled away from me. “Let’s get you home. It’s really late.” I looked at the clock; it was 3:12am.

“Wow, it is late,”
I said as I slipped into my shoes. Grabbing my handbag, I stood and walked toward the door. Ty reached around me to open it and I walked out.  The building was completely silent. Our footsteps echoed in the welcome room.  Ty locked up and we walked to one of the three single car garage ports on the side of the building.  The garage door slid open to showcase a dark blue Mercedes Benz.

“Nice car,” I whistled
appreciatively.

“Thanks,” Ty smiled
as we climbed in the vehicle. “My grandfather kind of forced my hand. Don’t get me wrong, I love this car. But I was also quite fond of my 2008 Dodge Charger.” The engine purred alive when he started the car.

“So how did you
r grandfather force your hand?” I asked curiously.

Pulling out of the garage and heading
toward Libby Lofts, he explained, “He believed in rewarding hard work. After Motive, my Boston restaurant, became well established. My grandfather was on me to treat myself to a big purchase. I picked him up for a drive here one weekend last year and the entire 6 and ½ hour drive, he went in on my car—it pulls to the right, it has too many miles on it,” Ty laughed.

I stared at his profile while he drove. His eyes were
so bright as he reminisced about his grandfather.  He looked genuinely happy. “So I promised him that when I moved to Richland I would buy a new car. And I don’t break promises.” A look I couldn’t read passed over his face. The rest of the ride was quiet as we were in our own thoughts. Oddly enough, the trigger for my nightmares didn’t cross my mind. Instead, I thought about the concept of happiness.

We pulled into the
Libby Lofts parking deck and the Mercedes Benz eased into a parking spot.

“Thank you.
For the ride. And for everything,” I said as we climbed out of the car.

“Thank you for extending your night with me,” Ty responded with a smile.

Walking through the parking deck entrance, we passed security and made our way to the elevators.  Ty yawned and stretched as we stood waiting for the elevator car to arrive. I gave Ty a sleepy smile, “Tired huh?”

“Just a little,” he returned my smile. The elevator arrived and we climbed in. He hi
t the 9 button and turned to me. “Which floor?”

“Nine
,” I said, turning to face him.

“We live on the same floor?” he said incredulously, eyes widened.

I laughed at his shocked expression. The elevator dinged and the chrome doors opened. We stepped out and eyed each other comically as we tried to figure out where the other lived. Walking past 9B, we reached 9E at the end of the hall.

“This is me,” Ty opened the door and flipped on the li
ght.  His loft looked very similar to mine, just bigger.  He had the original white walls and hickory hardwood flooring. His couch and love seat were a chocolate brown and cream checkered design.  The two oversized chairs had the same design.  He had a wooden book case with two boxes full of books in front of it. The large window had cream drapes drawn.  His kitchen mimicked my kitchen—except it looked completely void of food.  A huge box with the words fragile and photographs on it sat against an empty wall.

“This is nice. Had I known the end units were bigger, I would’
ve jumped on this when it became available for purchase,” I joked while standing near the entryway. 

Laughing, Ty said, “Is that so?” Walking to the kitchen, he looked over his shoulder and asked, “Can I offer you something to drink? I don’t have much in the fridge
, but I have water and juice.”

“No
, thank you,” I said. Seeing in his refrigerator as he opened the door, I continued, “You definitely need to go to the store, Ty. You don’t even have anything in there for breakfast!” I exclaimed good naturedly.

Turning back
toward me with his bottled water, he tried not to smile. “Well then it looks like we need to get breakfast.”

He sat his bottle down on the counter and walked back over to me.  I remained rooted in my spot—scared to move and also scared not to. Once he stood right in front of me, we engaged in staring match. I broke first—laughing and looking away. Ty quickly followed suit and laughed right along with me. When the laughter died down, we were even closer than we were when we started.  My heart rate picked up and I felt a pull deep in my belly.
I wonder how his lips would feel on me,
I thought, unexpectedly. It was shocking how my body responded to Ty.
If I don’t leave now…No, I need to leave now.

“I should go,” I whispered as my eyes flitted between his eyes and his mouth
.
The energy between us was electric and I battled the impulse to get closer to him.

“You don’t have to,” he whispered back, taking a step closer.

“Yes I do,” I replied begrudgingly, still gazing at him.

He gave me his sexy smile and kissed my forehead in response. 
My skin tingled where his lips made contact with my skin. “Well, at least let me walk you to your door.”

Grabbing his keys, we walked the short distance up the hall to my place.  I opened my door tentatively.
Even though he wasn’t the first man to enter my loft, he was the first one whose opinion mattered. “This is me,” I said and cut on the lights. 

He whistled as he walked in and slowly turned in a circle. “Wow… I like what you’ve done with this Sahara.” His eyes seemed to take in every detail of the loft. Glancing at me, he said “This actually
looks like you. Smart, beautiful, stylish, intriguing.”

I beamed at him. I don’t know why his compliment touched me the way that it did, but it affected me in a big way.
“Thank you,” I smiled shyly.

He looked at me with his penetrating gaze. His sleepy eyes looked concerned. “Are you okay to stay here alone?” He shook his head at my raised eyebrow
s. “Not like that, Sahara. This isn’t a play to get you in bed.  I just… I don’t want you to go through whatever it was that happened at my office again. I’m exhausted but I won’t sleep at all if I think you’re not going to be okay. If you need me, if you want me to, I could stay on the couch. All you have to do is say the word.” The kindness of his candor arrested me and that alone tempted me to say yes.
And his body…dear God
, I thought as I stared at the sexy man in front of me.
But I can’t. I have to say no. No. No. No. No.
I tried to convince myself, fighting every urge in my body to say yes.