Back to Life (6 page)

Walking closer to him, I began, “Thank you
, but that won’t be necessary. I appreciate the offer though.  Please don’t worry. I will be fine. I want you to get your rest. We are coming up on being up for 24 hours. You had a lot going on today with your opening…” I trailed off as I got lost in his eyes.

Sighing, Ty took
his cell phone out of his pocket. “What’s your number?” I gave it to him and he called my phone. “If you need me, if you can’t sleep, anything, just call me,” Ty said as he slipped his phone back into his pocket.

“I told you I’ll be fine. Stop worrying,” I gave him a smile.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” His face looked hopeful. I nodded in response. 

Ty wrapped me in a hug and gave me a
nother forehead kiss before leaving out of my front door to go back to 9E. Once he was gone, I stood frozen for a minute, still feeling the warmth of his body wrapped around mine and the lingering sensation of his lips on my skin. I felt something happening to me, in me and I wasn’t sure what to make of it.  On one hand I felt like whatever it was I was getting from being around Ty was exactly what I needed. On the other hand, after what I’ve done, I felt like I didn’t deserve to feel happiness ever again.

De
ciding to cool my body temperature down, I showered and then climbed into bed.  Exhaustion taking over, I knew I needed music to stay asleep for an extended period of time.  Grabbing my phone, I started to play my “Goodnight” playlist when I saw I had a text message from Ty.

Tyree Barker: Thank you
 

Sahara Lee: For what?

Tyree Barker: For spending my grand opening with me. It was an unexpected surprise. I liked it. I like you.

Sahara Lee: I liked it as well.
And as for you…

Tyree Barker
: ???????????????????

Sahara Lee: You are a game changer. Goodnight
.

I smiled and put my phone on the ch
arger and hit play on the cued up playlist. It had been at least ten years since I went to bed with a smile on my face. Pulling the covers up, I felt the contentment ooze through me and then slowly dissipate as sleep settled in on me.
What will tomorrow bring
? I pondered before slipping into sleep.

Chapter 6
 

Gasping for air, I sat up immediately and went through my breathing exercises.
Inhale 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… Exhale 5, 4, 3, 2, 1,
I thought as I focused on catching my breath.  I wiped the tears from my eyes and waited until my heart beat slowed to a normal, steady pace. I grabbed my phone and saw that it was already noon. 
Well at least I got 7 hours of sleep before it happened,
I thought as I rolled out of bed and walked into my bathroom.

After getting ready for the day,
I assessed myself in the mirror. I looked good in dark blue skinny jeans and an oversized yellow off the shoulder T-shirt with green paint splotches all over it.  Holding my yellow Manolo Blahnik heels in one hand and a matching yellow handbag in the other, I walked down the steps and sat on the couch.  Flipping the TV on and finding a music channel, I looked at the phone again and reread my most recent text message exchange that transpired after I got out of the shower.

Tyree Barker:
How was your night? I just woke up. Lunch at The Diner?

Sahara Lee: Sounds good. What time?

Tyree Barker: 1?

Sahara Lee: I’ll be ready

A
s a random 90s love song played through the TV speakers, I thought about the lyrics and scrolled up and reread the text messages from before bed. 
I can’t believe I told him that he was a game changer,
I groaned to myself. 
I know I was tired if I typed that! Every rule I have in place is specifically to not let this happen. And not only am I letting it happen, I’m openly acknowledging it to him. Ugh! I should’ve stopped while I was ahead.
I shook my head and put my phone down. 

I closed my eyes and let the realization that the feelings Ty awakened yesterday didn’t disappear overnight.  With fresh eyes, I
recognized that I would have to put forth effort to not allow whatever was developing with Ty to go any further. 
I can’t allow myself to get close to him. I have to let it go! Ugh! Why did I have to go to gym…and Jimmy’s yesterday? Why did he have to look at me like that…and wrap his arms around me…and smell so good…and look like that?
An unintentional smile played on my lips at the thought.
Who am I kidding? That was the most fun I’ve had in forever. But that doesn’t change the facts. I have to fight my desire to be around him, near him, on him. It would never work. Not after what I’ve done. I can’t. I just can’t. Besides, if he knew everything, he wouldn’t want whatever this is anyway. So really, it’s in both of our best interests if I don’t let whatever these feelings are cloud my judgment,
I rationalized.

My phone rang and I picked it up without bothering to look at it, assuming it was Ty letting me know he was on his way
down the hall.

“Hello?” I said, still preoccupied by the feelings that Ty had awakened
.

“Sahara
!” Emily seemed caught off guard.  She seemed to regain her composure as she continued, “Um, I was just going to leave you a message. How are you? I’ve been worried about you since we got off the phone yesterday.”

Momentarily startled by Emily’s voice, I didn’t speak. Emily must have thought the line disconnected because she repeated my name as a question, “Sahara?”

“Yeah, I’m here,” I said nervously, clearing my throat. “Hi Emily. I’m fine.  How are you?” My voice came out strained but polite.

“I’m okay,” she responded shortly.  I could tell she wanted to talk to me but didn’t know how
to approach me anymore.  Because of my decision to not talk about it, she stopped trying a long time ago. “Sahara, I know the hearing brings back a lot of memories you’ve made damn sure stay under wraps,” she began cautiously.

I opened my mouth to interrupt her and end the call, but her next sentence stopped me in my tracks.

“But I think this hearing might be a good thing,” Emily declared with a quiet rush. “Going through this hearing may help you to live your life. Because you never faced any of it. You just left and never faced it. And you should because you—”

“Emily I have to go,” I interrupted quickly, silencing her mid-sentence.
My eyes welled up with tears and I fought with everything in me to keep them at bay. But the hurt in her voice shattered me and I was not able to stop the onslaught of tears.

“I miss my best friend,” Emily’s voice broke.

I miss you too Emily,
I thought sadly. Finding my voice, I cried, “I’m sorry Emily. For everything. I’m so so sorry. I’ll be at the hearing, but I can’t talk now.” And I hung up the phone, letting the sob take over my body.

The knock at the door startled me
.  I scrambled to the blue bathroom and splashed cold water on my face.  I dried it and stared at my reflection. The only evidence that I’d been crying were my eyes. My eyes were slightly pink and watery. 
Maybe he won’t notice
, I thought before yelling, “I’ll be right there!”

Rotating my head slowly in a circle to loosen the tense muscles in my neck, I walked to the door and pe
eked out the peep hole.  Standing across the hall, Ty leaned against the wall wearing dark denim jeans, a crisp white polo and white sneakers. Ty radiated a casual sexiness. Yes, his jeans fit well and yes, his shirt showed off his muscular arms and chest. But it wasn’t what he had on; it was just him and how he carried himself. 

He
oozed of power and raw magnetism.  His shoulder was against the doorjamb and his phone was in his hand. Being sure to keep my head tilted downward to shield my crying eyes; I opened the door and peered at him through my lashes.  He looked up at me and his smile temporarily rendered me useless. I didn’t move as his eyes grazed my body in a way that heated me to my core. I’d never felt as sexy as I did when he looked at me like that.  He was the first to break the trance.  He put his phone in his pocket as he took the three steps to reach my doorway.  His presence forced my head upward and once our eyes locked, everything I felt earlier—all the resistance and reasons why I should not pursue this, whatever this is—evaporated immediately.

“Hi,” I murmured, gripping the door handle so that I didn’t lose my balance.

“Hi,” he whispered back. He reached up and cupped my face. His expression changed from wonder to worry in an instant. “You’ve been crying?”

Not wanting to lie but also not trusting my voice,
I nodded. And instantly he enveloped me in his arms and just held me.  And I knew that in a little more than 24 hours, this man had swooped into my life and upended everything.  My body and soul betrayed what I knew to be for the best when I stood in his presence. 
I can tell myself all the reasons why this won’t work. But then I get around him and it feels different.  I don’t know what’s going on, but I do know that right now, all I want is to stay in his arms for as long as it takes to take the pain away,
I thought as I nuzzled into his chest.

“What’
s going on baby girl?” Ty gave me on last squeeze before pulling away just enough to look at my face.

I paused letting the name he called me wash over me. 
Baby girl,
I pondered as my heart skipped a beat.  “I, um, just got off the phone with an old friend from my past. It conjured up old memories. I’m—I’m okay,” I stammered, showing off my perfect smile.

I could tell he knew I was leaving something out.
Ty looked at me for a long time not saying anything. He just rubbed my arms up and down and studied me. Feeling self-conscious, I diverted my eyes and focused my energy on the wet spot on his chest where a few tears escaped onto his shirt. I focused on that one spot until he broke the silence. “How did you sleep?” he asked quietly.

“I slept okay,” I responded, purposely leaving out that I woke up with the makings of a panic attack.
A minute passed and the silence surrounded us as we stood near the door.  He slowly stopped his descent up and down my arms, leaving my skin in desperate need of his touch. Stealing a glance at him, I couldn’t read his expression.

“Sahara…” Ty implored softly.

“I slept okay.
Went to bed fine. Woke up upset,” I informed him as nonchalantly as possible. My insides twisted to admit it, but not because I didn’t want to tell him the truth.  They twisted because I didn’t want to open that part of my life up.

He pulled me in
to his arms again and kissed the top of my head in response. “Thank you for telling me. Whatever is going on in that pretty little head of yours, I know you don’t want to talk about it. But when you’re ready, I’m here baby girl.”

There was nothing I could think to say that would sufficiently express what I was feeling. So I reached up to touch the
stubble on his face indicating that he did not shave.  I pulled his face toward me and I planted a light kiss on his cheek.  His musky cologne danced in my nostrils as I wrapped him in a tight hug.
I love the smell of him,
I thought unintentionally.

“Thank you,” I smiled at him, pulling back so that I could gaze into his eyes.
He is gorgeous,
I mused as I memorized every feature of his face.

“A game changer huh?” he smiled back at me, his eyes dancing.

A laugh escaped my lips and I backed away from him, covering my face with my hands. “Can we please go to lunch now?”

The Diner was a small café that served breakfast all day a couple of blocks from Libby Lofts.  After we were seated at a booth near the window, our waitress sauntered over to the table.  With only eyes for my lunch companion, she proceeded to flirt her
way through the specials… and out of a tip from me.

“What would you like handsome
?” she said in a Marilyn Monroe-ish voice.

“What would you like Sahara?”
Ty asked me. “You can have whatever you’d like,” he smiled as if he were holding in a laugh
.

Seemingly not fazed by the brush off, she continued to bat her eyes at him while asking me what I wanted.

“
I’ll have an onions and pepper omelet with a side of bacon. Orange juice to drink,” I handed her my menu.

“And you handsome? What would you like?”

“The same,” Ty said in a flat tone.  He handed her his menu, giving her a disinterested look.

Once we placed our orders, I rolled my eyes at her retreating back as she went back to the counter. Ty caught it and laughed.

“She was doing the most, Ty,” I commented, shaking my head.
I’m not jealous… I’m annoyed at her disrespectfulness. I’m not jealous though,
I silently tried to convince myself.

“Yeah, she was,” he agreed and shook his own head. “But let’s not waste time talking about her.
I want to get to know you. And you look beautiful by the way,” Just as the words left his mouth, the waitress placed our drinks on the table. Without a second glance, she turned on her heels and walked away.

“Thank you. You don’t look so bad yourself handsome,” I said in my best imitation of the waitress. We laughed.

Acknowledging the elephant in the room, I braced my hands against the table and began, “I’ve been through a lot and I don’t know if or when I’m going to be able to talk about it.”

Looking out the window for a second and then back to him, I continued, “But I do thank you for being there for me.
Twice now. I never let anyone see me like that and I appreciate you not making me feel uncomfortable about it. But…”
Now comes the hard part. I like him and I don’t want to lose the feeling he gives me. But I can’t do this.  I ruin lives and he’s been so sweet and kind to me. I don’t want to ruin his life too.  We need to walk away. And then I can get back to my lonely, lonely life,
I sighed.

“But…” I couldn’t get it out.  My heart stated to race as I looked in his eyes.  I knew what I needed to do, but it was harder to walk away than it should’ve been.  I swallowed hard.

Ty put his hands on top of mine and squeezed before he started, “Sahara, you don’t have to thank me for being here for you. I want to be. Since our run in at the gym, you’ve been on my mind nonstop. There’s something about you. If you want…”

The waitress returned with our food so Ty released my hands so the plates could be put in front of us. 
When she asked us if we needed anything else, her bored tone no longer had the Marilyn Monroe sexiness to it. I smirked.

Bowing my head, I prayed over my food. When I looked up, I saw Ty doing the same. I picked up my fork to begin eating when he continued his earlier thought, “If it makes you feel more comfortable, I could even the score.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.  My eyebrows drew together in confusion. I put the fork back down on my plate.

“Well,
I could tell you something personal about me. Something not many people know.”

“
Yeah, okay,” I nodded.

“
Not many people know about my family life.  My parents drowned in a freak accident a few years after I was born,” Ty stated bluntly.

I let out a rush of air, “I’m sorry to hear that, Ty. That’s horrible.”
I understand how you feel,
I thought and wanted to say but couldn’t bring myself to actually say it.