Back to Yesterday (20 page)

~ Fleurie

Chasing All the Stars

I
had stood outside Sophie’s house and listened to her cries from her opened window.

They drifted like leaves caught on a breeze and landed at my feet.

If only I could pick her tears up and hold them like jewels. If only she could feel me and see me cradle them in the palm of my hand while I whispered…
I’m so sorry, Sophie. Please let me explain.

I wanted to spill my heart out to her, bare it all, and I would have given anything for her to have heard me.

The front door opened and my eyes were immediately drawn to the figure stepping out onto the front porch. “I figured you would be out here.” Mr. McCormick said. “Come have a seat.” He pointed to the rocker next to his. “Tell me what happened.”

I hung my head low and walked up the porch steps, all the while feeling the burn of her father’s eyes. I was sure he would hate me too once I told him I couldn’t keep my promise. He listened attentively, never interrupting, and nodded when he understood. I explained it all, leaving nothing out. I pleaded my case like a man guilty of a crime, though contrite for what he had done. I didn’t make excuses, only telling the truth while Mr. McCormick regarded me with quiet observation.

I felt like a man standing before a judge, awaiting my fate.

After I finished saying everything I needed to say, five minutes went by without a word between us. I had hope when I first sat down, but that hope was now in triage and Mr. McCormick held the tourniquet that could keep it alive.

When another minute went by, hope began to bleed out and I actually felt dizzy. I wondered if losing Sophie would literally kill me.

I already felt half dead.

“Sophie told me about Tank,” Mr. McCormick said, his eyes softening around the edges. “I meant to say something sooner, but I didn’t know what to say. I’m sorry, son. I’m really sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you.”

“I understand you were friends with his brother as well.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Wanna talk about it?”

I released a pent up breath and leaned forward, scrubbing my right hand across my mouth. I shook my head and stared off into the distance. “If I hadn’t taken flak that day…if I hadn’t had to turn around and head back to base…if I hadn’t abandoned them…” I abruptly stood and walked to the other side of the porch. Needing to escape. Wanting to flee before my emotions could catch up to me.

A hand pressed down on my shoulder and squeezed. “Then your friend would still be alive?”

“Yes,” I said through gritted teeth.

“You don’t know that for sure.”

I closed my eyes and inhaled the crisp cool air. “Maybe. But I’ll always wonder
what if
.”

Mr. McCormick didn’t let go of my shoulder. He pulled me towards him and wrapped his arms around me. “What was his name?”

“Wi…” I swallowed, trying to keep my emotions under control and my hands at my sides. “William.”

“William,” he repeated softly, as though he was paying his respects. I bit the inside of my lip to keep the ache from slipping out.

I missed him.

I missed them both.

So…
damn
…much.

“I get it, Charlie,” Mr. McCormick said. “I get it.”

I said nothing. I was too busy trying not to crack.

Then he added, “I’ll talk to Sophie. I’ll make her understand. Okay? I’ll make her understand.”

My hands left my side and I reciprocated her father’s hug. “Thank you,” I said, feeling hope coming back to life. “Thank you.”

T
here was a gentle knock on my bedroom door and then it opened. “Sophie,” my dad said softly. “Charlie was just here.”

I sat on the side of my bed facing the wall, my back to him, clutching my old doll that I found buried in the bottom drawer of my dresser. I never threw it out. I’m not sure why because the memories it evoked whenever I looked at it were never good ones.

Holding on to it, and without looking at my father, I said, “He lied to me, Dad.”

The door clicked shut. “Sophie, did you let him explain?”

“He wasn’t interested in explaining if he waited this long to tell me.” I pulled at the doll’s hair and tried straightening out the tangled mess, keeping my hands occupied in order to occupy my brain. And my heart.

“Would you have been okay with him leaving if he’d told you sooner?”

“No,” I said, without any thought at all. “I still would have been upset and angry because he
chose
to leave. At the end of the day, that’s all that rings true.”

My father sat next to me. “Yeah, I suppose that’s how you would see it. Charlie knew you would see it that way too, and that’s why he put off telling you.” My dad reached over and held my hand. “He’s a wreck, Sophie. I’ve never seen a man fall apart quite like that.”

My eyes darted to my father’s. “What do you mean?”

“Everything is not black and white, sweetheart. Some things go deeper than what they seem on the surface. You never let him explain what happened. You automatically assumed the worst of him because of Andrew. And the two situations are not even close to being the same.”

I stood and crossed the room in an angry stride, still clutching the damn doll, feeling the need to escape. “One left and the other is leaving. Seems like the same thing to me.”

“You need to know the truth,” he said.

“About what?”

“About both men.”

“I don’t want–”

“Andrew got tied up with some very bad people, Sophie. After your biological mother died he lost his will to live, even though he had a little girl that needed him. He was leaving you with virtual strangers most of the time so he could go out drinking and gambling. By the time he brought you to us he owed a lot of money to a lot of bad people. Yes, he left you, but…” my dad sighed, “sometimes you have to be cruel in order to be kind. He was doing what was best for you at the time. He knew we would take care of you and we have. Your mother and I hoped that he would get his life straightened out.” Dad laughed with ill-humor. “Although I would be lying if I said I’m not glad he never showed back up.”

My head snapped around and a gigantic knot ballooned inside my throat. “Why would say that? You knew how many nights I cried myself to sleep thinking he stopped loving me, wondering what I could have done differently to make him want to k-keep me.”

“Yeah, but if he came back then I would have been the one crying myself to sleep every night because I would have lost you to someone I never thought deserved you.”

My eyes were swollen, my nose was chafed, and my head pounded, yet nothing hurt worse than my heart. It
ached
.

“Charlie is nothing like Andrew, sweetheart. His
volunteering
to go back to war is a technicality. The truth is, men like Charlie don’t get to make those kinds of choices. They are too valuable to sit on the sidelines, and if Charlie had said no to the task they would have made him go anyway. A good general only lets you
think
it was your decision to make. I should know. I’ve been in Charlie’s shoes.”

“What?”

He stood and casually put his hands inside his front pockets. “I served during WWI. I don’t like to talk about it, so I don’t. But I flew, like Charlie. Maybe that’s why I liked him when you first introduced us. I know where he’s coming from. He and I are a lot alike. So, while I can understand why you would be upset with him sitting on the news of his departure for so long, I can also understand why he did it.” My father walked towards me and put his hands on my shoulders. “I didn’t want Andrew coming back into your life even though I knew it would make you happy, because I knew I could take care of you better than he could. That makes me selfish. Charlie put off telling you news that would hurt you for as long as he did because he knew how you would feel and how it might be the end of your relationship. Yes, maybe he was a little selfish as well to want to hold on to you for as long as he could. We’re all a little selfish, Sophie. We’re all human and we make mistakes. But leaving you was never his choice. And that’s the God’s honest truth.”

I planted my face in my father’s chest and held on because I was so conflicted. “I don’t know what to do. Tell me what to do.”

He was quiet while he stroked my hair. “When you take the time to listen with your heart instead of your ears, it’s amazing what you can learn. And in case you’re wondering, Charlie’s train leaves at seven in the morning. What you do with that information is up to you.” He put something cold and metal in my hands. Keys. “Charlie walked home from here. He left his truck for you. He said he wanted you to have it.”

He kissed the top of my head and headed for the door. “If you love Charlie and you never let him know, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. I never want to see you holding onto regret the way you held on to that doll.”

With that, he closed the door.

In the quiet of my room, I sat on the edge of my bed and took in a long, slow breath, the doll still firmly in my grasp.

Listen with your heart.

I closed my eyes, silenced my mind, and gave my heart permission to be heard.