Back To You (36 page)

“I realized that the answers to those questions are that you did, you do, and you will.  We have been denying this for so long now that I don’t know how to break the cycle unless I just flat out come clean.  I have loved you from the moment you touched me in Monopoly’s.  I have yearned to have you touch me.  And I have been so afraid of telling you how I really feel that I have let this go on too long.”

Jack started to speak.

“Please, don’t speak.  Let me finish.  The reason that we have never found true happiness with anyone else is because we have denied fate and have been punished for it.  Maybe it wasn’t good timing.  Maybe we were supposed to live out our insane lives."  And at that moment I knew that there was just one thing I had to say.  I    finally had clarity that I had not had in over twenty years of loving this man.  I knew that no matter what magic we had, I had to know the truth.  It might hurt.  I knew that I had meant something to him.  Our love didn't die.  But it had felt one-sided for years.  I couldn't live with that, no matter how much I loved him.  I had to know that he truly felt the same way I did.

"But you never once fought for me.  You never begged me to come back to you!  Never even ASKED.   Who knows what would have happened if you had! BECAUSE EACH AND EVERY TIME I WOULD HAVE COME RUNNING BACK TO YOU!"  I sighed.  He stared at me wide-eyed and speec
hless.  "What I know is that we belong together.  You have hurt me so much with your stupid pride, and yet I still want to be in your arms.  I don’t know how well we would get along.  Who knows how anyone gets along?  But I do know that our lives have brought us back together again and again for some reason.  We can’t deny that anymore.  I have tried to forget you, to move on, but I can’t.”

“Suzy...”

“Jack, I don’t care how many girlfriends you’ve had.  I don’t care how many times I was stupid and tried to love the wrong man.  I don’t care because I love you more than any one of them.  I always have.  And I always will, whether you like it or not.  You kept pushing me away.  You are an idiot Jack for letting me go.  And I am an idiot for not standing up to you and making you stay by my side.  You and I both know that you feel exactly the same way about me.  Your life will never be happy, YOU will never be happy until you admit at least that to yourself.”

I was crying.  I knew people
must have been staring or listening, but I didn’t care.  I refused to allow the memories of the past haunt me anymore.

“You let me go Jack.  But I will never let you go.  I will ne
ver forget the way you smelled after we had made love or how the gold in your eyes shined in candlelight.  I will never forget the way it feels to have you hold me when you don’t have your defenses up or how I feel when I hear ‘Lady in Red’ or ‘She’s Got A Way’ on the radio.”

I sighed, emotions spent except for the raging hole that was eating away at me even after all of these years.  I stood there, head bowed, staring at the ground through my tears.  And still, Jack said nothing, did nothing.  I did the only thing I knew how to do next.  I turned and began wal
king away from him.  I had no idea where to go, but I couldn’t stand there any longer while he searched for something to say.

As I began to walk, I whispered, “You know you love me just as much.  You just haven’t admitted it to yourself.”

I walked.  After a few steps I held my head high and walked with purpose.  I wondered how on earth I was going to tell him about Rose.  I needed time to think.

*****

Jack stood there, unable to move.  He didn’t need to.  It felt like the world was moving around him.  Everything Suzy said came at him like a hurricane, knocking him off balance, making him feel sick and scared all at the same time.  But then, he pushed past that scared feeling and realized that she was absolutely right.  He didn’t want to go on like this.  He was tired of being bitter and angry.  He knew that he was bitter because of himself.  Yes, he was the fool indeed.  He knew what he had to do.

*****

I walked for a while.  I had no real destination except back to the hotel when I got tired of walking in bare feet.  Where else could I go?  I felt the hot tears streaming down my face.  He didn't say anything.  Didn't run after me.  I needed time to clear my head.  The early morning air was sweet with honeysuckle, just like it should be in May.  When I reached the hotel, the sun was beginning to lighten the sky.  Instead of going up to my room, I just sat on a short brick wall just outside of the lobby with my eyes closed.  There was a freedom to having poured out my soul like that.  Sadness too, but freedom from not holding in my feelings because I was afraid he didn’t feel the same way.  I decided to enjoy the remainder of the sunrise before I went to my room.  I wanted him to be there beside me so badly that I could even smell him.

“You are wrong.”

Startled, I almost fell off the wall.  He had the nerve to laugh at me.

“Wha...”

“Now it is my turn to talk you stubborn woman.”

I sat back down.  And he sat next to me.

“Wrong because I love you more.”  He held my hand.  “I can’t deny it anymore.  I knew when we dated in high school that what we had was way bigger than either of us could handle.  I knew that when you went back to college that you had dreams bigger than anything I could imagine, and that I would be in the way.  And then, for just one moment I was hopeful that the timing was right.  But Alexis happened and I hesitated and before I knew it you were gone.  I had to move on.  I had to pretend every time I thought of you that I was okay, that I had been able to move on.  You were right, I have been lying to myself all these years.  Thinking I could replace you.  No one was ever good enough.  Then you called me to wish me a happy birthday after so many years had passed. I figured you were out of my life for good.  That really screwed me up, you know.  I was almost happy being the single guy unable to make a romance work.  I had convinced myself that being alone was my lot in life.  And then I heard your voice.  I couldn’t get enough.  I knew you had your own life in California, but I wanted you so much.  Just hearing your voice or seeing your texts gave me a boost.  It scared me, to be honest.  I didn’t want to be the love struck fool.  But I knew I had fallen in love with you all over again. 

“I
came here this weekend because I wanted you to love me, to make me smile in ways I had forgotten.  When you left me, I had to get out of your life, no matter how much it hurt.  I moved and tried to start my life over without you, but I never forgot you.  I never stopped loving you.  I just figured I would never be good enough for you.  You were this unreachable light in my life that I didn’t deserve.”

He held my hands tighter.  “Suzy, can you ever forgive me?”

And even though I was almost forty years old, I jumped into his lap.

He held my face in his hands and pulled me into the most heavenly kiss I had ever known.

We kissed like that for a while, unable to tear ourselves away from each other, holding on to each other, afraid to let go.  Finally we went upstairs to my room so I could pack my things.  I had to check out and head to the airport.

Jack kept distracting me as I tried to pack up the mess I made getting ready for the party.

“Would you stop it?”  I giggled as he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, making it impossible to move.

“You really want me to stop?”  He nuzzled my neck.

I leaned my head back on his chest.  “No, not really.  I would stay here forever, but I have a plane to catch.”  I wriggled around to face him.

“Leaving me already?”  He pouted.

“Come with me.”  I looked into his eyes.  “We can finish this at my house.”

Fortunately, Jack brought a bag with a few things in case he ended up staying in Hammond for a night or two.  He had already made arrangements to be off work for a few days, so we grabbed the rest of my things and headed for the airport.

C
hapter 31
 

The flight home was amazing
.  We talked and held hands the entire flight.  I felt like a schoolgirl again.

Rose was staying another night at her friend’s house, so we were alone. 
We had not been home very long before it was time for us to start working on dinner.  Together.  Two people with a passion for food in the same house, in the same kitchen.

“Let’s do jambalaya tonight,” I suggested.

“Sounds perfect!”  He jumped up and headed into the kitchen.  “So you choose, veggies or meats?”

“Ugh!”  I thought for a second as I followed him.  I hated peeling shrimp.  But onions made me cry.  “Meats, I suppose.”  Cr
ying was not something I wished to do right then.

I turned on the radio to a station that played oldies as well as modern music.  It was geared a little more toward hard rock, which suited us both. 
There is nothing like good music to get you in the mood to cook!

As we got out all of the ingredients and tools we would need to make the jambalaya, he laughed out loud.

“What’s so funny?”

He smiled.  “Your kitchen is set up almost exactly like mine.  It’s like I just know where stuff is.  Your kitchen is bigger though.”

“Not big enough or stuff wouldn’t be falling out of cabinets on my head all the time.  I have Rose to thank for that.  After all these years, she still doesn’t know how to put everything away.  Take that as a warning as you get things out.” I laughed.  I didn’t have the guts to tell him the truth about Rose yet.  He knew I had a daughter, but he had no idea she was his.

“Before we get started, would you like a glass of wine?”

“Sure, let me get the bottle and you can reach the glasses.”  I got one of the bottles of Sauvignon Blanc and opened it.  “One of my favorites,” I said.  He poured two glasses and we set to work.

I had waited months to watch this man in the kitchen.  The last time we had seen each other in person, neither of us were “foodies”.  Now he’d had proper training and tons of exp
erience.  I had experience, but most of it I learned for myself.  I really wanted to see how he handled a knife.  Not in a bad way.  I just knew that professionals could cut and chop so much better than I did.  I tried, but I was not as fast as the chefs on TV.

I got the colander out and started rinsing the shrimp.  Jack laughed at me when I put on a pair of rubber gloves.

“I can’t stand the smell on my hands.”  I explained.

“A cook who hates getting her hands dirty.”  He laughed and shook his head.

He got out the veggies and set up the butcher block.  I kept sneaking peeks at him while he “prepared his area” as we called it in the culinary business.  His movements were fluid as he handled the knife and sliced through the onion like a pro.  Was it wrong to think that was sexy?  Damn it.  Pay attention to the shrimp, girl.

Once the shrimp were washed and peeled, the vegetables sliced and diced, we got out the big pot and started the sautéing pr
ocess.  The kitchen filled with the heavenly aroma of onions and peppers releasing their fragrant oils into the air.  We chatted while we got everything together and alternately put items in the pot.  It was fun.  The scent of food cooking, the common ground we shared, and just the comfortable feeling of being together again made me stop for a second, close my eyes, and breathe deep.  Holding onto the counter, I allowed myself to feel the intensity of the moment.  I couldn’t remember ever feeling so good.  It was wonderful.

*****

He couldn’t believe he was actually there, in her kitchen, cooking with her.  Something he had longed to do for many years.  He had tried to cook with other women, share a kitchen, work in unison, but something always went wrong.  This felt good.  Too good.  He had never thought he would feel like this again.  But this felt right.  He was nervous in a way while he cut through the vegetables; scared he would cut himself even though he had done it a thousand times before.  He stole a glance at her, peeling the shrimp with a smile on her face.  It was pure poetry to him to watch her take her time and slice through the sausage.  She was in her element for sure. 
How do you write a song about how beautiful it is to watch a woman cut up sausage?
  He laughed at himself. 

When they had assembled the majority of the ingredients for dinner, he was adding the last touches and setting the timer.  She put her hands on the counter, straightened her back, lifted her chin, closed her eyes and took a deep breath.  He turned to drink in the sight of her profile, the way her skin glowed with the sunlight streaming through the window.  Her eyelashes were long and cast a shadow just under her eyes.  Her nose, still a little bit upturned, lifted high in the air as she took deep breaths.  She had not put on any makeup t
hat day and looked clean and fresh.  She put on her “cooking” clothes, basically a ratty t-shirt and sweatpants, when they started dinner and apologized for not looking nice.  Even with her hair pulled up into a messy knot, he thought she looked beautiful. 

He reached out to touch her shoulder.  He was prepared for the electric shock that had struck him all those years ago.  Every time he had been around her or thought of her, there was always a sensation that permeated his entire being.  It was as strong as that night on the dance floor at Monopoly’s.  He tried to speak, but his voice caught in his throat for a moment.

*****

The perfection of the moment in my mind had not pr
epared me for his touch.  He laid his hand on my shoulder, and I jumped from the energy that flashed between us.  This man had a control over me that I would never understand.  He touched my cheek with the back of his hand. 

“Are you okay?”  He asked.  “Do you need to go sit down?”  His concern was real.  He moved his hand down my cheek and lifted my chin so I had to look at him.  “Be honest, please.  I can handle this if you need to rest.”

I looked into his eyes, filled with concern, and so much more.  It was there.  That look of love I had spent so many nights dreaming about, praying it would be there when he thought of me.  My mind spun back to the night he had held my chin the same way in the living room of my house.  His eyes running deep with emotions as he leaned down to kiss me for the first time all those long nights ago.  My knees felt weak.

“I...”  But I couldn’t say anything.  He leaned in and ever so gently touched his lips to my forehead, cradling my face with his hands.  Running his thumb across my cheek.  The world
shifted, my heart skipped a beat, and I knew that this was more than just a fantasy.  The depth of emotion in his eyes mirrored mine as his lips touched mine.  His kiss was soft and longing and filled with so much passion.  I closed my eyes and let it wash over me.

He pulled away slightly and smiled.  He still held my face in his hands and looked me in the eyes.  He was so close. 

“Suzy…”

Until this moment I was unable to move.  I was so afraid of breaking the moment or doing something that would wake me up from this dream, that I was paralyzed.  Could this really be happe
ning?

I reached up and touched his lips with my finger.  “Shhh.  Don’t say a word.  Please.”  He started to pull away from me, but I held him tight, wrapping my arms around him.  “Don’t move.”  And then I kissed him.  I kissed him with every ounce of em
otion and passion I had swimming inside of me.  And it felt so good.

*****

The feel of her soft skin in his hands, her hands as they wrapped around him, forcing him to stay where he was, close to her.  The only place he wanted to be.  He felt drunk but had only had a few sips of his wine.  Once she kissed him back, she had him wrapped around her little finger.

Before he knew it, he had turned and pushed her back against the counter.  Her hands came up his chest and wrapped around his neck, pulling her even closer to him.  They fit toget
her like a hand in a glove.  He knocked stuff over on the counter as his left hand braced them on the counter and his right hand reached around the middle of her back and held her.  As always, his body responded to her touch.  His mind reeled with passion he couldn’t control.  It was too late, he couldn’t stop now.  He wanted to be lost in her forever.

*****

I could not have stopped if I wanted to.  The kiss was so demanding.  His touch made me quiver.  When his tongue touched mine, it felt like flames exploding though me.  I needed to feel his skin, drink in his scent, taste him.

I pull
ed his shirt out of his waistband and ran my hands over the bare skin of his back.  He shivered and moaned when he first felt my hand on his skin.  He began kissing his way across my face and down my neck.  I was on fire.  My heart was racing.  My skin tingled.  I wanted more.  I moved my hands to his bare chest, running my fingers through his chest hair.  He reached up and grabbed my hair, gently pulling my head back so he could kiss my neck.  I could feel his breath on my skin as he gently bit the skin right where my neck joined my shoulder.  I couldn’t stifle a soft moan as he barely touched his lips to my neck and breathed hot air in a trail to behind my ear.  With his hand still holding my hair, he pulled back and kissed me so forcefully that I felt out of control.  I could feel his body get even harder.

For a brief moment, he broke the kiss but he didn’t break eye contact.  His eyes
stayed locked with mine.  I was lost in them.  His hands went to my waist and lifted my shirt over my head.  He touched my neck with the back of his fingers, his face close to mine.  His hands were warm as they touched my skin.  I wanted to feel them everywhere.  He ran his hands down my chest and I felt my nipples harden as his fingertips brushed them over my bra.  Then he kissed my neck again as I unbuttoned his shirt.  I wanted to feel his chest on mine.  Skin against skin.  My hips lifted against his as I pressed myself into him.  I ran my hands over his hips.  He held on to the counter, trying to maintain control.  It was no use.  He reached behind my back and flawlessly released me from the bondage of my bra.  I pushed him back and slowly moved my hands down to his belt.  I looked him in the eye, knowing that he could see the desire and love behind my eyes as I worked his belt loose. 

His hands
went down my back to my waist.  I felt him slide them just under the waistband of my sweatpants touching the one spot on my low back that drove me crazy.  I couldn’t think.  I wanted to kiss him some more.  I wanted to feel him touch every single inch of my body.  He cupped my ass in his hands, grinding his hips against mine.  I wanted to feel him inside of me.  I finished undoing his jeans and began working them down to expose his nakedness.  He leaned his head back, closed his eyes and held his breath.  His hands stopped moving.  He was so hard.  I was so wet.  He was shaking a little.

“Jack?”  I whispered.

God he was so sexy!  He opened his eyes and there was no hiding behind them.  He wanted me as much as I wanted him.  He came down to kiss my lips. 

He pulled down my sweats
, lifted me off my feet, wrapped my legs around him and entered me.  I thought I was going to explode.  There were no words.  Nothing else existed.  It didn’t take long for both of us to reach the breaking point.  It was raw, unadulterated sex like no other.  Over and over I felt the waves of my orgasm consume me as I let myself go.  Right there in the kitchen with the man I had loved for so long and would love the rest of my life.  No matter what happened after that moment.

*****

When he relaxed from his climax, he wrapped his arms around her and just held her there for a moment.  He put her back on her feet and touched her forehead with his own.  He closed his eyes and shook his head a little, giving just a hint of a smirk.

“That was amazing.”  He opened his eyes.  “I have been waiting so long to do that.  No one has ever made me feel like you do.”

I had to stand there for a moment while the weakness in my legs wore off.  I smiled up at him.  “And no one ever will.”  I broke the moment by fluttering my eyelashes at him.

“Let's get dressed. We don't want to burn the dinner we worked hard on.”

They got dressed and continued preparations for dinner.  He could tell she was worrying about something, but then she would look at him and smile in the way he knew was only for him. 
Jesus
, he thought. 
How could I have been a fool for so long?

They chatted a little while getting the jambalaya finished up and setting the table.  He noticed that when her back was turned to him, she took a long drink of her wine.  He wonder
ed if she was regretting having him there.  She looked so happy and yet there was something else lurking underneath it all.  He wanted nothing more than to hold her close and push all of her sadness and regrets away.  But he knew that he was one of the reasons she felt sadness and regret in the first place.  He had been so stupid all these years.  Denying what he felt for her.  Running in fear from it instead of right to it.  Never allowing himself true happiness because he never felt like he deserved her or could be good enough for her.  He had always known that every time he tried to forget her or did something crazy to get her out of his head that she would be back in his thoughts.  He never wanted to admit that he found perfection in high school.  Prayed that life would prove him wrong and bring him to different experiences and different loves.  But there had never been anyone like her.  He couldn’t deny it any longer.  Suzy always had been and always would be his true soul mate.  But now what would happen?