Beautiful Dream (13 page)

I roll my eyes and nod.

“So that’s how you knew what I’ve been up to and where I’ve been.”

“Yes,” he confirms. “The divorce went through about a year ago, and Gracie
finally
gave me your number. Probably about a week before I saw you at school. I think I finally got in her good graces, which clearly took years.”

I giggle. That sounds like Gracie.

“I didn’t know what I was going to say when I called you,” he smiles. “But I knew I was going to that weekend, but then I didn’t have to, because I ran into you. You’re hard to forget Luci Cunningham.”

I smile, just as he turns away and starts browsing tables full of ties. I can’t help but watch him, admiring everything I’ve ever liked about him.

“Earth to Luci,” he laughs, and I snap out of my daze. “Were you actually gawking?”

“No,” I roll my eyes, playing off the fact that I was practically panting in the middle of the store.

“You were,” he winks. “I know that look well.”

“Whatever,” I huff. “I should get going anyway.”

“Please don’t,” he begs, walking over. “Which do you think?” He holds up two ties and I bite my lip, debating.

“The blue for sure,” I decide almost immediately. “It brings out your-” I stop myself from saying his eyes. “The blue one.”

He discards the other tie, and picks up a bunch of additional ones that have a similar blue color as the one I choose.

“Thanks for listening.” I catch a small smile out of the corner of my eye. “You didn’t jump down my throat like you usually do, and I appreciate it.”

“Thanks?” I hesitate.

“God, I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am,” he stops walking, turning me around. “I always think that if I never called her up again when I first met you that none of this would have happened. Her and I would have been well on our way to being divorced,” he shakes his head, and I don’t say anything. “I was so taken aback by my feelings for you, and felt so sick about it, that I tried to distract myself. Only,” he chuckles, meeting my eye. “That didn’t work.”

“I know,” I sigh. “Look, you don’t have to explain anymore.”

“But I do!” He implores. “I owe you so much more, but an explanation is a decent place to start. I don’t know how to do this any other way.” His eyes are pleading, and I nod for him to continue.

“Can we go to dinner?” He hesitates, and his eyes are so genuine and kind that I nod, and the way his entire face relaxes, takes me aback. “How about hibachi? There’s a fairly new place that opened here in the mall, have you been?”

“No, but it sounds good.”

We reach the restaurant, and Josh asks for a table, rather than being seated where they cook in front of you. We’re immediately lead to a small dining section in the very back, and seated in a small booth off to the side.

“Can I just explain what I tried to in my office that day?” He asks, and I nod, but he takes a minute to begin, as we first give the waiter our drink orders.

“So in the beginning of the year, the more you and I started talking, the more I called Holly and saw her. It was a way for me not to feel so bad about how I felt towards you, and a means to actually relieve the reaction you brought out in me. I could pretend it was you, without doing anything illegal. It was terrible and wrong,” he pauses. “But as I got to you know more, we felt less and less wrong. We both knew it was, but it didn’t feel it, did it?” He looks my way and I shake my head. Nothing about him ever felt wrong.

“The day we kissed is the day I stopped calling and seeing her. I stayed at Deb’s
constantly
. I fell for you, Luci and it scared the fuck out of me because I never felt anything like that before with anyone,” he swallows. “We got so serious, but the situation made it difficult. I can’t even begin to tell you how I racked my brain over you day and night.”

Our drinks arrive, and I take a sip from my water, my eyes never leaving his.

“I don’t know why I didn’t tell you about the divorce to begin with. I guess I was scared it would put you off, and I didn’t want to loose you,” he admits. “Months passed, and I literally didn’t hear a thing from her until she called to tell me she was pregnant,” he sighs. “She said she waited to tell me because she didn’t know how I would react, especially since I was always so careful about using protection. I guess she also needed time to concoct her story.”

“Are we ready to order?” The waiter interrupts, and Josh looks at me for confirmation. I haven’t even look at the menu, but easily pick something out anyway. Josh does the same, and as soon as the man walks away, he continues.

“It was wrong and selfish to continue with you after she told me, but I couldn’t get enough of you. I tried so many times to tell you, but every time I just wanted to kiss you again in case it was the last. Even down to the time I wanted you to get pregnant
,
so it would be you I could do the right thing with and not her. That’s when I knew I had to let you go,” he shudders. “I can’t even think about it I hate myself so much. I was scum. I hurt the one person who meant the most to me, and I have no idea how to tell you how sorry I am.”

“It was selfish,” I agree. “And wrong of you to withhold that from me, no matter what you thought I would do,” I add. “Honestly, I was so into you I probably wouldn’t have even care that you were in the middle of a divorce.”

“That’s what made everything worse,” he laughs coldly. “You always seem to see the best in me.”

“Can we talk about something not so painful?” I attempt to change the subject. “I can’t afford to fall for you again, and your words make it too convincing not to.”

He laughs loudly, and I look away.

“So how’s the teacher I’m student teaching with?”

“You know,” he sits back. “I don’t even know who it is. I can find out Monday if you want.”

“Nah,” I wave my hand. “It’s just another week. I can wait. Either way, it doesn’t matter, I’m stuck with whoever it is anyway.”

“Yeah,” he sighs. “Did Gracie hear back from any schools yet?”

“Yeah, but she’s still undecided,” I pause. “She said you came around last weekend looking for me.”

“I felt really bad after the party,” his foot knocks me under the table, and he doesn’t move it. “I was having such a good time too.”

“I was too,” I smile. “It’s just,” I hesitate. “You did a number on me, Mr. Harrington.”

He flinches.

“I guess how you were scared before is how I am now. No one has ever broken me like you have, and it’s easy for me to let that happen with you again.”

“Sometimes, it takes for us to be completely broken to realize what it means to be whole.”

I open my mouth to respond, just as the waiter returns with out food.

“Okay,” he sighs. “No more seriousness,” he takes a bite. “Staying local for grad school - love, hate, or no opinion?”

I roll my eyes as I swallow.

“No opinion,” I challenge.

~*~*~*~*~

Yesterday was a holiday, so today marks my first day student teaching. I arrive at school early for orientation, and the cafeteria is already packed with faculty.

I head over to the most crowded area, which contains the table of food, and grab a bagel while greeting a couple of my past teachers.

I spot Josh in the corner, talking with another teacher, and I attempt to ignore all my usual bodily functions that occur, thanks to him being in close proximity. I begin to practice my calm breathing, secretly yelling at my heart to stop fluttering. We had such a wonderful time at the mall this weekend, and even though I’m still extremely guarded, I can’t help but think maybe there’s a reason I never moved on.

“Don’t even bother,” a voice I don’t recognize scares me, and I turn to find the culprit. She’s young, blonde, and pretty, and I wonder if she’s student teaching, or an actual teacher here.

“What?” I pretend I wasn’t awkwardly gawking, because maybe she’s talking about something else.

“Him,” she nods towards Josh.

Well, so much for her not noticing.

“Oh,” I smile shaking my head no. “I wasn’t- I don’t even-”

“It’s okay,” she laughs. “He’s hot.”

I take another bite of my bagel, not getting into this conversation.

“We kissed once,” she offers, and my face reddens. This is definitely not something I want to hear. “So stupid, ya know?” She looks at me and I nod in agreement. “He pulled away and called me Luci. Can you believe it?!”

“Luci?” A voice calls.

Shit.
My eyes go wide. Please, God, let her think this is a complete coincidence.

I turn around, watching as Ms. Harrington approaches.

“Hi, Ms. Harrington,” I try to act casual, but after the last time I saw her, I’m extremely embarrassed and unsure. Should I apologize for leaving her party so abruptly?

“I told you,” she laughs. “Deb. We’re practically colleagues now.”

“I’m sorry,” I exhale.

“Hi Brittney,” Deb nods to the blonde next to me. Of course she has a name like Brittney, it’s so cutesy.

Oh my god, you’re so jealous!

I smile nervously at the silence. “I’m Luci by the way,” I introduce myself to her, trying to fix an already weird situation.

“Oh my goodness!” Deb exclaims. “I’m sorry, I thought you already met!”

I start to say no, but Deb doesn’t let me. “Luci used to be a student here!”

Fuck.

“Oh, really,” Bittney smiles. “I didn’t know.”

I meet Josh’s eye from across the room, and smile before looking away, trying not to focus on the glimmer that’s in them.

“Excuse me,” I slide between them, heading in the opposite direction of my once chemistry teacher.

Two seconds later, I hear Ms. Harrington -
Deb
- call my name.

“Is everything okay?” She asks.

“Yeah,” I lie, looking back towards Brittney, who is
not
looking very friendly towards me right now.
Crap.

“I really wanted to apologize for what happened at my party, and I really hope we can be friends.”

My attention is immediately brought back to Ms- Deb.

“Really?” I ask. “Because I was just there as a friend-”

“I know,” she whispers.

“Okay,” I sigh, relieved.

“No,” she corrects. “
I know
.”

“What?” I don’t think I hear her correctly.

“The truth,” she says. “I know, and it’s okay.”

“Oh gosh,” I sigh. “This is awkward. I’m really sorry. I never meant for things-”

“Hey,” she places both hands on my shoulders. “I’m not here to judge. Trust me, I did enough of that on my brother already.”

I relax, and offer her a small smile. “I really do - did - I meant I did,” I laugh nervously. “I really
did
lo-like. I really did like him,” I wipe my forehead. Oh my goodness, I don’t think I’ve ever been this uncomfortable before!

“It’s fine,” she laughs.

“No,” I protest. “I don’t want you to think that I was this slut, looking for a better grade or something. It wasn’t like that at all.”

“I don’t think that of you,” she assures me.

“Okay,” I smile. “Because I’m really not, I swear.”

“Okay,” she laughs, just as orientation is called to order.

Deb offers me another smile, and we take seats right next to each other.

Josh gets up on the podium and welcomes everyone. He exudes confidence, and I guess he really
is
the head of departments now, or whatever he calls it.

He continues talking, and I stare at him intently. He’s wearing khakis and a button down, with one of his new ties around his neck. His dark hair is neatly styled, and I can tell he recently shaved. His eye catches mine and the way his mouth turns into this broad smile is brilliant, like an eclipse over the entire cafeteria. I can’t help smiling back, remembering being in his in class watching and listening him talk, just like I am now. Shit, a huge part of me is just giddy to be back in this very building with him. That’s a part of why I took the position. I just want to feel
good
again.

Principal Finch says a few words, and soon orientation comes to an end. Josh gets back on the podium and begins reading our teaching pairings with only minutes left before the bell.

“Lucinda Cunningham, freshman math with Brittney St. James.”

“Oh no,” I whisper, sinking into my chair.

“What?” Deb asks.

I look over at Brittney, and she’s looking for me, only not
me
, she’s looking for Lucinda.

“I’m paired with
her
,” I whisper.