becoming us (3 page)

“I knew last year, Dad. It didn’t make a difference then, right? You said my grades were great.”

“You knew? Disappointed is an understatement here, Bryce. Your mother and I have always been clear with you about this.”

How could someone be proud of him and think so little of him all at once? “Dad, it’s no big deal.

Lots of people are totally cool with the gay thing now. It doesn’t matter.” Bryce had to force the words past the lump in his throat.

“I won't pay for you to be surrounded by distraction.” His father had the same clipped, precise tones he used when he was taking someone apart on the witness stand. Bryce had seen the
Becoming Us - 13

videos. It hadn’t been cool then, and it felt worse when it was turned on him. “You need to reconsider your choice of residence, son. This is your last year.”

“Exactly, Dad. Look, it’s my last year. Moving would be a really big distraction.” Bryce paced his room, trying to keep the panic out of his voice. He didn’t want to lose his friends. It wasn’t like they were around, wasn’t like Zac wanted to do stuff with him, wasn’t like Steve wasn’t crazy-busy with the restaurant the fourth-year hospitality students ran. And Kaede, well, Kaede and Shelly were practically married. Bryce had spent more time talking to Shelly last year than any of them. But Bryce didn’t know who he’d be if he didn’t keep calling them his friends.

“Your mother and I feel strongly about the influences around you, we always have. For God’s sake, Bryce, we had you on a waiting list for the right kindergarten before you were born, and it wasn’t so you could live with people like that. We let you go to a school that wasn’t in the Ivy League against our better judgment.”

“Dad.”
Not this again. I wasn’t smart enough for the Ivy League, remember?

“I’m sure your housemate would rather have his own kind of people around, anyway,” his father said, like he was trying to keep his mouth off the words, like even talking about someone gay was risking catching it. “It would be better for everyone, especially you. Unless there’s anything you need to tell us about, Bryce.”

That stopped Bryce in his tracks. “No.” He knew his voice was shaking. “Dad, no. Never has been. I promise, Dad.”

He hated himself so much for how he couldn’t bring himself to defend Zac and Perry, to tell his father that Zac and Perry were no different than when he’d met them and that he loved them no matter what. And still, he kept talking, agreeing with his father, saying anything to appease him.

He would have said anything to make his father believe him, just like always. His dad loved him, wanted the best for him. It would have been easy to tell him to fuck off if Bryce weren’t so sure of it.

By the time Bryce got off the phone, he was almost in tears, he was so sick of himself and sick about everything. He threw the phone so hard it broke into two pieces on the floor, then he kicked his trashcan across the room, sending it flying over his bed and into the wall. His chest hurt and his eyes were blurry. He couldn’t leave. This was
his
house, too.

A moment later, somebody was knocking on Bryce’s door, and then Zac poked his head in.

“Everything okay, man?” Zac bit his lip, like he could see that everything wasn’t okay, that nothing was okay. “Bryce? You okay?”

His dad knew about Zac. Zac. Bryce was never going to be able to bring Zac along to the lake house or out in the boat. He wasn’t ever going to be able to say,
hey, I’m going to spend the
weekend at Zac’s.
Ever again.

Becoming Us - 14

Life sucked too much and Bryce couldn’t do anything about it and they just didn’t
get it
. None of them did. Zac and Perry were still mad at him about last year and his parents were mad at him about Zac and Perry and... this big split had opened up in his life and there was no way for him to be on both sides of it, ever, and no chance of it closing again. Bryce sat down on his bed, put his head in hands, and tried not to burst into tears.

“Hey.” The door closed behind Zac, then he was sitting down on the bed beside Bryce. “Bryce, man...” He hesitated a second, then put his arms around Bryce.

Why couldn’t life just be
simple
? Why couldn’t his friends just be straight and his family not be fucking assholes and other people not suck so much? Why did he have to be such a fuckup he couldn’t even stand up for his friends?

Bryce sobbed bitterly, unable to make it stop for a horrible minute before he managed to swallow it down. Zac just held on and let Bryce cry. He stroked Bryce’s hair and waited while Bryce calmed down a little.

“I’m so done,” Bryce said thickly. “I’m so fucking done.” He was limp with exhaustion and the release of crying.

“What happened?”

“Dad read the article. About Perry. And you. I tried to be careful not to say anything before, after Perry, but it’s a big deal for Dad for me to be on the team,” Bryce said, wiping his face with his sleeve. “So, I guess he reads
Game On
. I forget, you know? That he cares. Dad’s worried about me living here. My shithead brothers are bad enough and now they know, too, but Dad...” If his dad even knew Bryce had slept in Zac’s bed, if he knew any of the truth... Bryce was so tired of the endless sense of having so much to prove and not even being sure it was true.

“I’m sorry, man.” Zac really sounded sad for Bryce. “That sucks. I didn’t realize they were... that it’d be an issue.”

“You have
no
idea.” Bryce leaned over and grabbed tissues. “My dad doesn’t even talk to my uncle Bryson. Like he’s dead, only he’s not, he’s just gay. My dad doesn’t want me living here now. He’s pissed because I knew and I came back anyway.“ He shook his head and his breath caught. “Started in on me about it. You know, he doesn’t yell or anything. He’s just... he knows I’m going to ‘do the right thing.’ All he has to do is wait.”

“Doesn’t want you in the house? Because of me?” Zac sounded stunned, but more than that, he sounded angry.

“Pretty much, yeah. You know, he doesn’t
say
, ‘Move out.’ He says shit like, ‘I’m not paying for you to live in that kind of environment.’ Or, ‘I thought you’d have better taste in friends.’ And shit like that.” Bryce slumped back against the wall and stared at the pieces of the phone on the floor. “And, ‘Unless there’s anything you need to tell us about, Bryce.’”
Becoming Us - 15

“Because we might rub off on you, you know. Like germs.” Zac turned around to sit cross-legged, facing Bryce.

“Or, you know, naming me after my uncle might have been a bad idea. God, my brothers never did let go of that one. Especially Josh.” Bryce blew his nose and got up to pick up the trashcan.

“Christ, don't know what I did to Josh except get born after him. ‘It’ll happen to you, too. It runs in the family. That’s why they named you after him, they already knew, they could tell, everyone knows.’ I mean, when you get older, you know that’s shit. But.” Bryce shrugged and tossed the tissues into the trash.

“You’ve had enough girls around -- haven’t they laid off on that by now?” Zac flopped onto his back. “They’d freak out if you said you were gay or something, huh?”

“Freak out doesn’t even cover it.” Bryce picked up his phone and threw the pieces on the desk, then wandered back to stand by the bed that Zac was taking up. “Dad... he’s building his little empire. For the future. For
us
. It's this big deal for him. He’s counting on all of us to contribute, including getting married and having kids. He’s kind of the alpha wolf, so when he goes after people, he does it for a reason. My brothers are like dogs.” His mouth twisted at that. “They're already fed, so they hunt for fun. They just like to see weaker things hurt.” Like him. Like each other. Like anyone else.

Zac rolled to sit up, his legs hanging off the edge of the bed. He leaned back on his hands, tilting his head back to look up at Bryce. “Makes them feel big and strong, huh?”

“And it’s fun, in a way, being mean. Dad always said that if I learn to take it, and I learn to dish it out, it'll make me closer to my brothers. So we'll always be tight. I'm always letting him down.

If I don't move out of here, I can’t go back,” he said quietly. It hurt, because he wanted to be able to go home. “I wouldn’t want to live there after crossing my dad over something this big.

Everyone thinks we’re such a nice family. Such good values. We are, I guess. As long as you’re like us, we really are. But I'm not like
us
. This just kind of seals it.”

“You’ve got a year of school left,” Zac said, nudging his foot against Bryce’s leg and then standing up to offer Bryce a hug. “Grad school, if you need more time. It’ll be okay. Time fixes stuff. You shouldn't have to choose between your friends and your family.” Bryce hid his face in Zac’s shoulder and hung on to him. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled. He didn’t deserve friends like Zac.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Zac petted the back of Bryce’s head with one hand and his back with the other.

“I’m such a pussy,” Bryce mumbled. Still, he didn’t let go. It was like he was soaking up the contact, drinking it in, clinging to Zac for reassurance in contrast to his words. It was good just to have someone understand. “I never cry about shit.”

Becoming Us - 16

“Then you’re not a pussy. This was big. Is big.” Zac was a lot smaller than Bryce, but somehow, he managed to make his embrace feel safe anyway. It had felt good to sleep with him the other night, and that fact scared Bryce so much.

“It’s not like it’s new.” Tears kept welling up to sting Bryce’s eyes. Zac being so nice and gentle made it worse, in a way. “Why am I so fucking tired?” Bryce made himself pull away and straighten up, turning away to blink the wetness out of his eyes.

“Because it’s not new.” Zac shrugged, his arms hanging limp at his sides now. “You’ve been dealing with this, with knowing both sides of it all, for a long time now. Hell, I’d be fucking exhausted, too.”

Bryce looked past Zac at the dent in the wall where the trashcan had hit. The distraction and the little jolt of what he’d done made Bryce hurt less inside. “Oh, man. I’m sorry about the crash, dude. Were you studying or something?” He stepped around Zac and poked at the dent. Cheap drywall dust crumbled out of the hole and drifted down onto his covers. “I need to fix that; I think we have some filler left from when we had to patch up the hall from that party last year.”

“Later,” Zac said firmly. “I was just reading. You want to come to my room, get some rest without having to stare at your wall and shit?”

Bryce looked at the drywall dust on his hand, and then wiped it off on his shorts. He bit his lip, wavering between giving in and pushing Zac away. He shouldn’t do it. Shouldn’t want it. The memory of how good it felt to sleep with Zac, how he’d actually
slept
, won out. It was okay if he got some sleep.

“Yeah. Okay. And I guess I’ll get a new phone later, too.” He sighed and rubbed at the back of his neck. “I’m such a fucking moron.”

Zac rolled his eyes and gave Bryce a smile. “Nah, man. You’re a good guy. C’mon.” He nudged Bryce’s arm with his fist. “Nicky sent me a new game for my DS; you can try it out if you can’t sleep.”

“Okay.” Video games were a good bribe and a good excuse. Bryce sighed and followed Zac back to his room like an oversized puppy. It was only to hang out. Like friends.

The handheld game was a good excuse for sitting close on the bed, while Zac gave instructions for how to play, and then proceeded to bounce, jerk, and wiggle as Bryce moved the tiny character around the screen.

“Dude, you’re making the bed shake,” Bryce protested. He got an arm around Zac and dragged Zac halfway into his lap, pinning him there, tucking his chin over Zac’s shoulder, and playing the game while Zac was trapped. “You are so fucking wiggly, man; it’s like you’re ADHD

today.” Zac was the worst thing for his high scores.

Becoming Us - 17

Zac laughed and settled down a little. “If you’d jump when he jumps, I wouldn’t have to,” he protested. Zac insisted that moving with the characters made them move better. Bryce just laughed when he did it and kicked his ass again and again.

“Maybe your girly fingers can stay on the keys, but my manly fingers can’t,” Bryce said distractedly. His little character disappeared with a sad blooping sound, and he sighed. “See, you’re bad for my concentration, dude.” He tickled Zac with one hand for revenge.

That made Zac laugh and wiggle more. He grabbed at Bryce’s hand and pried it away from his body, turning around to get revenge with some tickling of his own. “Bad for your concentration, my ass.”

Bryce dropped the game at the foot of the bed, laughing, so he could defend himself. He was always one for horseplay; even as big as he was, he managed not to hurt people while goofing around. He was also really ticklish; it was a great way to get him winded and Zac knew it. Zac was intent, tickling his ribs and armpits with quick, darting motions that left both of them laughing like hyenas. Finally, Bryce had had enough and flipped Zac over, grabbing Zac’s hands and pinning him to the bed, still laughing and trying to catch his breath.

“Dude, truce,” he said, his nose only inches from Zac’s. His cheeks were hot from laughing so hard, and getting hotter.

“Yeah,” Zac agreed breathlessly, his laughter trailing off. “Truce.” The way Zac looked -- his dark skin a stark contrast to the white pillow, his eyes bright, his pretty lips parted -- was irresistible. Fuck being straight or gay or bi or anything. Bryce couldn’t imagine anyone not wanting to kiss Zac right now. He wanted to, for so many reasons. Zac made him so damn
happy
. God, so happy.

But Bryce couldn’t just
do
it. That wasn’t fair to Zac, who let him be this close without flinching.

“Can I...” Bryce swallowed hard and shifted to let Zac’s hands go. That wasn’t nice; he knew his size could be intimidating. He felt his face go even hotter with shame and fear. He had to finish the sentence now or Zac would weasel it out of him. Now, he couldn’t remember how he’d gotten into this. “Can I kiss you?” He made himself look at Zac, even though he wanted to run away now. “I just... I never...”