becoming us (33 page)

Second, Bryce was surprised to find out, was that he wanted people to stay the hell away from his boyfriend. Not really noble, but the idea of someone else thinking Zac was available got him in the gut.
Mine
.

You are such a dork
, Bryce said to himself. He grabbed the shampoo and washed his hair.

Seriously. Zac wouldn’t do that to you.
Maybe he’d work on that later, when the urge to go out and hit someone on the off-chance they might look at Zac wrong seemed like less of a brilliant idea. Bryce knew that insecurity was not one of his more pleasant qualities, and he knew it was insecurity and nothing more than that.

The third reason for letting people know was that, really, Bryce was kind of... happy. Hiding things harshed the happy and, on a purely selfish level, Bryce wanted his happy.

He also didn’t want anyone to know. He never had; it wasn’t just about Zac. He’d dated girls, even seriously, and he’d always kept it quiet. Even with girls, he was afraid of his family judging him or trying to ruin it for him. He hadn’t told them about anyone he’d dated, no matter how much trouble it had caused between him and whoever that was.

Maybe it wasn’t just about ‘the gay.’ Maybe it was just about the fact that his family sucked.

Why couldn’t they be less ‘survival of the fittest’ and more... just human?

Becoming Us - 168

Ugh
. Bryce got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around his waist while he scrubbed a night’s worth of fuzz off of his teeth with a lot of toothpaste and then followed it by a few rounds of mouthwash. Zac must love him to be making out with him before he’d brushed his teeth. Hell, for that matter, he must love Zac a good bit, since it wasn’t something that he’d ever thought about until just now.

Zac was so ridiculously hot in the morning. All sleepy and sexy and... Bryce’s brain rambled off down that path while his body went through the motions of getting him into his room and dressed and then over to Zac’s room to clean up some of the mess. He was still musing about how Zac had gone from being all warm and pliable to riding him like the rodeo was in town as he wandered downstairs with his arms full of trash and recycling.

“There’s some coffee left in the pot.” Perry’s voice drifted out from the living room, and Bryce nearly dropped everything on the hall floor. He’d been so lost in thought that he hadn’t seen Perry on his way past.

“Uh, thanks.” His manners kicked in before anything else. “Did you get breakfast?”

“My stomach’s still arguing with the coffee,” Perry said.

Bryce sorted the bottles into the case of empties and shoved the pizza boxes into the recycling.

“Did you want some Tums or Pepto?” They were in the cupboard with the vitamins, over the sink. “I could get you some. They’re right here.” Bryce grabbed his coffee mug and made his hands stop shaking.

“Ugh. Um, Tums, sure. And if there’s any coffee left after you get yours...”

“You don’t want coffee.” Bryce poured the last of it into his mug. It looked like tar, anyway.

Classic Perry-coffee. “Especially not the shit you make. I’ll get you some water.”

“Thanks, Mommy.”

“Jackass.” Okay, so it wasn’t so bad with Perry knowing. What was Perry going to do, anyway?

Call Bryce’s dad? Run around yelling, “Queer!”? Bryce felt really stupid. He poured Perry a glass of water and shook four white antacid tablets into his hand.

“You doing okay?” Perry asked as Bryce came in with the water and tablets and his own coffee.

He pushed himself up on the couch and tugged the blankets around him. Hell, he looked rough.

Bryce wasn’t sure he’d ever seen Perry actually look bad until right now.

“You’re asking me?” Bryce handed him the water and the Tums. “You look like shit.”

“Yeah, well.” Perry dropped all four tablets into his mouth, chewed, and washed them down with half the glass of water. “I didn’t accidentally get outed last night or anything. So, not really worried about me.”

Becoming Us - 169

Oh
. “I’m okay.”
Mostly. Kind of. Sort of
. Bryce kicked the listing recliner to make sure it wasn’t going to dump him off the moment he sat down and, once he heard it click into place inside, he sat down carefully.

“Uh-huh.” Perry slouched on the couch, limp curls hanging in his eyes, stubbled chin resting on his chest, and gave Bryce a bloodshot glare from under his golden lashes. “You weren’t last year.”

“No.” Bryce wasn’t sure when he’d been okay. He put his elbows on his knees and stared into his coffee, trying to pretend Perry wasn’t staring at him. “Not really.”

“You didn’t say anything.”

Bryce shrugged. “What was I going to say? ‘The world sucks, get a helmet? My dad’s a big ol’

‘phobe? Hey, me, too, how about that?’”

“Bryce...”

“It was my problem.” Bryce took a sip of coffee and nearly choked on it. Battery acid and twigs: Perry made the worst coffee ever. “Christ, Perry. Aren’t you supposed to be some kind of magical barista or something?” He pushed himself up to go dump it out, avoiding Perry’s stare.

In the kitchen, Bryce pulled apart the coffee maker and cleaned it out to make a new pot. He didn’t want to talk to Perry. He wanted to pretend last year hadn’t happened. Hell, aside from Zac, he wanted to pretend that this year hadn’t happened.

“Will you stop being weird for five seconds so I can actually talk to you?” Perry shuffled into the kitchen, and Bryce heard him sit down at the table with a grunt of discomfort.

“What if this isn’t weird, what if it’s me?” Bryce pawed a coffee filter out of the box and stuffed it into the machine’s basket, smoothing it down so that it wouldn’t collapse and get grinds everywhere.

“Okay, so it’s you. Can I talk?”

“Talk. You want some coffee?” Bryce filled the carafe and poured it into the reservoir.

“Bryce, I am so sorry.”

Bryce nearly dropped the carafe, but recovered enough to put it down on the heating plate with a clatter. “You’re what?” He didn’t look over his shoulder at Perry, didn’t want to see what was on Perry’s face.

“Sorry. I’m sorry. About last year.” Perry’s voice sounded thick, and then he coughed to clear his throat.

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“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Bryce dug behind the can of lousy coffee for the can of worse coffee. He popped it open and got out the bag of decent coffee that he kept inside.

“I did. I... you think I couldn’t see someone else having a hard time from a mile away?” Perry’s chair squeaked back. “You think I couldn’t see my inside all over someone else’s face?”

“You were dealing with your own shit, Perry. It’s okay.” Bryce measured the coffee out, enough for him and Perry to have a couple cups. “I’m the one who backed off.”

“I let you.” Perry put his hand on Bryce’s shoulder. “Zac was right. We could have talked to you.

Are you okay, now?”

“I’m... yeah.” Bryce put the coffee maker together and hit the switch to start it. Perry’s hand on his shoulder felt like it weighed a ton, but he didn’t want to pull away. “No. I keep looking around for guys who are in my brothers’ frat, anyone who might be able to rat me out to my family. It’s paranoid, but I can’t help it. I keep waiting for the phone to ring.”

“You know that’s not going to happen,” Perry said. He slid his arm around Bryce’s shoulders and leaned against the counter. Slowly, Bryce leaned into him. It felt awkward for a moment, and then Perry wrapped his other arm around Bryce, and it wasn’t awkward anymore.

“My brain calls bullshit. My dad already tried to get me out of here.” Bryce let his head rest on Perry’s shoulder.

“He didn’t.” Perry gave him a little squeeze. “You talked him out of it.”

“What if I can’t next time?” The scenarios kept flashing through his head. They kept him up at night. Being laughed at by his parents. Being turned away at the door of his own damn home.

The phone calls. His brothers laughing at him.

“Then you don’t. You just don’t. You think you can’t come live with me if you have to?” Perry hugged him tighter. “Both of you? God knows, I could use the company. And some help on the rent. I want a nice place.”

Bryce laughed and shook his head. “Perry, you don’t have to...”

“I don’t. I want to. It’s kinda lonely out here.” Perry shifted back a little and let go so he could look at Bryce. “You’re not the only one with a family that’s not ‘cool’ with it. I mean, they have nothing on yours, but they’re big fans of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell.’ I need to get out if I’m going to stay sane.”

“I’m sorry, man.” There was enough coffee in the pot for Bryce to grab his mug and steal the carafe. God, he needed coffee. The amazing sex was taking its toll on him.
Mmmsex
.

“Bryce?”

Becoming Us - 171

“Huhwhat?” Bryce realized that Perry had been talking.

“It’s not good for you to be living like this, looking over your shoulder.” Perry gave him an exasperated look. “When you’re not thinking about sex, that is.” Busted. Bryce shoved the carafe back into the coffee maker; the build-up of coffee burbled into it with a splash. “Um...”

Perry laughed at him. “Glad to know you’re doing okay, at least. But about the looking over the shoulder...” He got himself a mug and peered into it long enough to determine nothing was growing in it.

“I know. It’s like living in a spy movie. A bad one.” Bryce sighed and took a drink of coffee.

Thank God it was good. “It’s not normal. I mean, I’m starting to think it’s not me that’s fucked up here.” He wandered over and slumped down at the table, letting his head fall onto one arm.

Behind him, Perry started clapping, slowly.

“Uh...” Bryce lifted his head and looked over his shoulder. Perry kept applauding, looking as beamish as anyone that hungover could manage. “What?”

“You’re starting to think it’s not you.” Perry stopped clapping and picked up his cup of coffee.

After a sip, he gave Bryce a grin. “And you make awesome coffee. But the first is most important.”

“It’s not me?” Bryce hadn’t really been convinced of that until right this second. “It’s not me.” He turned around completely to look at Perry, feeling slightly light-headed. “It’s not me. I mean.

I could be green. I could be the Queen of Sheba. It wouldn’t change anything. I mean, they’d find something... there’d be something, wouldn’t there?”

“Bingo.” Perry came over and ran a hand over Bryce’s hair, looking down at him. With the sun coming through the kitchen window, he didn’t look so hungover anymore. He just looked beautiful, like he had the first day Bryce had seen him. “It’s not you. You being gay, bi, whatever, that’s not what’s wrong with your family.”

“Something is,” Bryce said, leaning into the petting. It felt so good to be touched. Just touched.

No meaning behind it but kindness and empathy.

“I know, babe. Something really is. But who you love? That’s so not the problem.”

“So what do I do?”

“What do you do?” Perry tugged Bryce’s hair to get him to look up. “What do you feel like doing?”

Becoming Us - 172

“Like...” Bryce thought about it a moment. It only took a moment. “I want to go meet him after class. I want to carry his books. I want to hold his hand. I want to kiss him. I want to... to just...” He ran out of words for it.

“Be like everyone else?” Perry grinned at him.

“Yeah. That.” That was it. Totally it. “Without being scared out of my mind.”

“I can’t promise that last bit. I still get that.” Perry sat down across from him, still grinning like a goof. “But you can have the rest. Some places.” He shrugged. “We’re working on that part, though. Need all the help we can get. Are you in?” He held out his coffee mug.

“I’m in.” Bryce leaned over and knocked his mug lightly against Perry’s. “What do I have to do?”

“Go meet your boyfriend after class, young grasshopper.” Perry leaned back in his seat and took a drink of coffee, then sighed happily. “Carry his books. Hold his hand. And leave me the rest of the coffee.”

“I can do that.” Bryce took a deep breath. He could do that.

***

It hadn’t been easy to focus on the lecture. Zac’s mind kept wandering back to the way it had felt to wake up with Bryce beside him, wrapped around him. Warm and solid and right. As hard as he’d been working to convince Bryce that it was okay for them to hide their relationship, that he didn’t mind, looking forward into the long months of their final year of school stretching out in front of them, Zac could feel the weight of the lie pressing down on him. Waking up with Bryce like that, knowing what it could have been like if only they were honest, just made it worse.

He kept shaking off the thoughts and trying to pay attention to the professor’s long-winded rambling about muscle groups and proper nutrition, but by the time class was over, he only had half a page of notes, and a good chunk of them made no sense at all when he looked down at them before putting his notebook into his backpack.

Oh, well. He’d talk to one of the guys later, see if they’d gotten better notes.

Slinging his backpack over his shoulder, Zac waved at the guy sitting next to him -- someone on the football team; Zac couldn’t remember his name -- and headed out of the lecture hall. The plaza was packed with students waiting to get in for the next session. Zac weaved his way through the crowd and out the doors, into the bright sunlight.

“Hey.” The voice was familiar, but unexpected; when Zac turned around, Bryce was getting up off of a bench near the doors, swinging his backpack over his shoulder and heading for Zac.

Smiling. “There you are.”

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“Hey.” Zac wasn’t sure what to do, so he just stood there. Bryce’s smile was contagious, though; Zac couldn’t help smiling back at him. “What’s up?”

“Nothing much. How long before your next class?” Bryce reached for Zac’s backpack and, after a moment’s confusion, Zac handed it over. Bryce slung it over his shoulder with his own like it weighed nothing.

“Uh.” Zac looked at his backpack on Bryce’s shoulder and tried to figure out what it was doing there. Something was up. “I dunno.” He checked his cell phone for the time, then tried to make his brain work enough to do the math. “An hour. I think.”