Being True (26 page)

Javi nodded in his father’s embrace. He buried his face like a child into his father’s strong shoulder. “I do.”

A
FTER
THE
dishes had been washed and put away, we all sat in the living room. I’d never been more exhausted in my life, and we were only halfway through what we needed to discuss with our parents.

Javi and I chose spots on the floor, facing the couch where our mothers sat. Mr. Castillo had plopped himself into the recliner on the left. His slumped shoulders clearly revealed how spent he was. And even though his typical smile had returned, worry eclipsed its usual light. An unspoken question most likely crouched on the tip of his tongue.

“How do you know you’re gay?” he asked. “You’re so young, and I know you’ve had girlfriends, Javi. Are you sure you’re not just confused?”

“I’m not confused, Dad,” Javi said. He inched closer to me so his right knee rested against my left. We couldn’t hold hands in front of our parents. What they had just learned was still too fresh to be so open with our affections, but in order to deal with what came next, we needed the strength contact gave us. “I’ve always known girls just didn’t do it for me. That I was trying to be something others said I should be.”

“But how can you know for sure?” he asked again. “I don’t understand.”

“Can I try to answer this one?” I asked Javi. When he gave me his okay, I turned to Mr. Castillo. “I hope you don’t take offense at what I’m about to ask you.”

Mr. Castillo waved my words away as Javi had done to me so many times before. “I’m the one who’s wanting an answer. Go ahead.”

“Well, can you imagine yourself kissing another man?”

Mr. Castillo was taken aback. He sat up in his chair and grimaced. “No,” he said quite definitely. “I can’t.”

“That’s how you know you’re straight,” I said. “And since I can’t imagine kissing a girl, that’s how I know I’m gay.”

“But Javi’s kissed girls,” Mrs. Castillo said. “At least that’s what you’ve told me.”

Javi nodded. “I have, and it never felt right. It always seemed strange. Like I was kissing a rock.” He looked at me and smiled. “But when I kiss Tru, it’s not like kissing a rock at all. It’s like sticking my finger in an electric outlet.”

Javi’s face turned lobster red when he realized what he’d just admitted to our parents. When we turned back to them, Mr. and Mrs. Castillo glanced away. Listening to their son describing his kiss with another boy wasn’t something they were quite ready to hear yet. My mother, however, couldn’t hide her smile.

“That’s the way I felt when I kissed your dad,” my mom said. Her eyes flooded with tears from the memory. “That’s how I knew he was the one.”

“I wish I could be as positive as you, Grace,” Mr. Castillo said from the recliner. “But I’m not. And it’s not because you two are gay. It’s because the world we live in is a terrible place. People are cruel and vicious, and I fear for your safety.”

“Me too,” Mrs. Castillo admitted after reaching for the comfort of her husband’s hand.

“I won’t lie to you, Gus,” my mother said. “Life’s been tough for Tru. Even though he hasn’t come out to anyone, most people assume he’s gay because he’s smaller than most boys. And he gets teased a lot for it. That’s why I’ve had to move him around so much. To keep him safe.”

“That just proves my point,” Mr. Castillo said. “I’m sorry kids have been so awful to you, Tru. That makes me very angry, but it also scares me about Javi’s safety. We can’t afford to move. This is our home, and if word of this gets out, I don’t know what kind of reactions people will have.”

“That’s another thing we wanted to discuss with you,” Javi added with a sigh.

Three pairs of parental eyes turned and narrowed in unison.

“There’s more?” Mr. Castillo asked. He rested his head in his hand.

Mrs. Castillo made the sign of the cross while my mother locked eyes with me. “I thought you told me everything earlier, Tru.” Her low voice told me she wasn’t happy. “What have you left out?”

I told everyone what had happened to us that day.

“Fighting, Javi?” Mr. Castillo asked. “I haven’t taught you to deal with problems with violence.”

“No, you haven’t,” Javi said. “But you have taught me to stand up for others. To not be afraid to take a stand against people who do wrong, and Oscar was wrong for shoving Tru and trying to hurt him. I couldn’t just stand there and watch it. I had to stop it, and I don’t regret it.” He leaned his knee harder against mine. “And I’ll do it again if I have to.”

“No,” Mrs. Castillo said. Her eyes were steady and serious. I’d never seen such severity in her expression before. “While I’m glad you were there for Tru, I’m not going to have you getting into fights every day at school. It’s not safe.”

“I have to agree with Gus and Maricela,” my mother added. “Reacting as you did today might put both of you in more danger than you expect. The fact that this Oscar was so cruel and hateful tells you the kind of person you are dealing with. It’s better to get up and walk away from people like that.”

Javi shook his head. “I won’t slink away and let the bullies win. That gives them too much power. If they think we’re afraid, they’ll use that fear to control us. That’s not how I’m going to live. I need to be true to myself.” He grabbed my hand and held it firmly in front of our parents. “And we have to be true to ourselves. That’s why Tru and I have decided not to hide anymore.”

“I don’t understand,” Mr. Castillo said. “You’ve already told us you’re dating. What more hiding are you two doing?”

Mrs. Castillo’s crinkled forehead revealed she was just as confused as her husband. The dissatisfied frown that squatted on my mother’s lips, however, told me she knew exactly what we were planning. “Gus, I think what the boys are trying to tell us is they’re planning on letting their classmates in on what they’ve told us.”

“What?” Mr. Castillo asked as he sprang from his chair. “You can’t be serious.”

“Mijo, no!” Mrs. Castillo pleaded.

“That’s exactly what we’re saying,” Javi said. “The kids at school are already talking about it. Oscar practically outed me in the hall today anyway. He told me I had to choose either Tru or them. If I don’t cast Tru away, which isn’t even an option, then everyone is going to assume that I
am
gay, and we
are
together. If they’re going to think it anyway, why not just be upfront about it? It’s better than hiding in the shadows and hoping we’re not caught. This way, we control the situation. It doesn’t control us.” Our parents remained completely unconvinced. “We’ve given this a lot of thought.”

“That’s precisely what you haven’t done,” Mr. Castillo said. “People can assume what they want all day long. Once something is proven true, there is no more guessing. It becomes fact. And those facts have serious consequences.”

“More serious than what we’re already facing?” I asked.

“Of course!” Mr. Castillo replied in frustration. “We don’t live in the shows you boys watch on TV. We live in the barrio, where life is already dangerous enough as it is.”

“He’s right,” my mother added. “You know how difficult your life has been, Tru. Better than anyone else in this room. And that’s just been on the
assumption
you’re gay. What do you think will happen to both of you when you announce to the world you’re gay and dating? Do you think it’s going to magically make things better? As if being honest is going to save you from pain. What you plan on doing is reckless and unnecessary.”

“I agree,” Mrs. Castillo said. “So what if Oscar Gomez, who I’ve never really liked, says you have to make a choice? He has no right to tell you such things. Choosing not to be his friend doesn’t mean you are gay or that you and Tru are dating. Choosing not to be his friend means you’re not choosing the bully. Why would anyone pick the bully anyway? Those people aren’t true friends, and you don’t need them in your life.”

“So you want us to what?” Javi asked. “Keep our relationship a secret? Hide how we feel about each other from everyone and let the rumors define us instead of defining ourselves?”

“No,” Mr. Castillo said. He turned to stare at his wife and my mother, who nodded in agreement. “We aren’t asking you to do anything. We’re telling you, as our boys, that you will
not
reveal your relationship to anyone else.”

“You can’t do that. I’m eighteen years old,” Javi said as he stood in front of his father. “This is our choice. It’s our life.”

“Not yet, it isn’t,” he said. “You boys live under our roofs. We make the rules, not the other way around. And you will both continue to be the good boys you’ve always been before this and mind what we say.”

“Or what?” Javi asked. “You can’t keep me from talking. This is still a free country last time I checked.”

“Javi!” Mrs. Castillo’s reprimand struck harder than any punch I’d ever received. She rose from the couch and took her place at her husband’s side. “You will
not
speak to your father that way. I will not allow it!”

“And to answer your question,” Mr. Castillo began, “there will be consequences for not obeying our wishes.”

“Like what?” I asked as I turned to my mother.

“We can’t control what you boys say, but as your parents we do have say over what you boys do,” she answered. “I think Gus and Maricela will agree with me that as long as you keep things as they are, the two of you can continue to date. But if you out yourselves, there’s just no way we can allow this relationship to continue. You’ll be restricted to school and then straight home. No more bike rides to the park. No more hanging out. No more phone calls.”

Javi and I searched the expressions of every parent in the room. They were locked in complete agreement.

“That’s not fair!” Javi said. He turned his back to his parents and faced me, eyes wide, waiting for an answer he expected me to provide. I had none. Earlier that afternoon, our plan had given me strength. Now that it had been ripped out from under us, I had no clue where to go from here.

“It’s not fair,” Mr. Castillo said. “But that’s because life is terribly
unfair
. I know you boys are angry, and that’s fine. You don’t have to like our decision. Or even like us right now. That’s part of being a parent. But we do what we do to protect our children, and right now, this is the only choice we have to make sure you both remain safe.”

I glanced at Javi’s parents and my mother, everyone waiting to hear how we intended on handling the boom they’d lowered on us. “We don’t have a choice,” I said to Javi, who sighed in exasperation. He’d clearly been expecting me to put up more of a fight. He sure seemed ready to go a few more rounds, but our parents’ minds were made up. We could push the issue and test the boundaries, but when had that ever really worked in any child’s favor? “If we don’t do what they say, we don’t get to be together. How can we be boyfriends if we never see each other? It kind of defeats the purpose.”

Javi couldn’t argue with my logic. He blew out his frustration before turning to his parents. “Fine. We won’t say a word.”

His parents’ smiles revealed their gratefulness.

My mother wrapped her arms around me and whispered in my ear, “Everything will work out, Tru. I know right now it feels as if we’re the bad guys, but we aren’t. We love you both so much, and you just have to trust that in this situation, your parents are more familiar with the ways of the world than you are.”

Although my mother had intended to ease my troubled mind, her words didn’t offer comfort.

What were Javi and I going to do now?

Chapter 11

T
HE
WEEKS
after dinner with our parents were tough. The rumor mill continued to churn out gossip about the nature of Javi’s and my relationship. The whispering questions that had followed me around the day after Javi’s fight with Oscar increased in number and volume.

“Tru’s obviously a fag, but do you think Javi is too?”

“Probably. You know how those gays like to parade together.”

“How can Javi be gay? He’s so hot. And if he is,
why
is he with that funky motherfucker, Tru?”

“One night with me, and I’ll turn Javi straight. He just hasn’t met the right girl.”

“Who would’ve ever thought Javi Castillo took it up the ass?”

But it wasn’t anything I wasn’t already familiar with. I’d learned long ago how to tune out the nastiness of others.

Javi hadn’t quite mastered the skill yet.

If someone whispered something shitty behind his back, he confronted them and told them to say it to his face. His most recent encounter had been yesterday with some football player named Eddie. He’d been talking smack during lunch while Javi sat with the friends who hadn’t jumped over to Oscar’s camp.

From the story I heard, Rance had to pull Javi back and escort him outside before the heated exchange attracted the attention of the teachers. Javi never once brought it up on the bike ride home or as we made out on my mother’s couch. When I asked him about it after Claudia called to clue me in, Javi said he hadn’t wanted me to worry. That he could take care of himself.