Between Now and Goodbye (21 page)

'Love?'

'Yeah, do you think it can ever be good and stay good?' She asks, and the sadness in her voice breaks my heart. Her doubt in love breaks my heart, but deep down, I know I have my own doubts about love as well.

'I think it can.' I sit down on my own bed, playing with the edge of my skirt, 'I mean love is hard, messy and painful. I just...I think that if it's worth it, then you'll deal with all of that because the good parts, are probably really good.'

'I'm scared that I might love someone so much one day, that I won't see their faults, and I'll end up being some naïve girl who gets crushed because she's so blind.'

'Pip,' I go over to her bed and as she sits up, I hug her tight. 'Not all love is tainted. You just have to find someone you can trust. Someone who's good and kind, someone who you feel safe around.'

'But what if it starts out really good, and then it gets really bad?'

'Then you'll find the strength to walk away, and if you don't think you can get the strength, then come to me and I'll give you every ounce that I have.'

'I'm not sure I'll ever trust anyone enough to love them. To give them my whole heart.' Pippa says quietly.

'One day you will.' I assure her, 'True love always finds you in the end.'

'You sound like some cheesy love song.' She laughs.

'Well, there's a lot of truth in those songs.' I reply, 'Just look at mom.'

'Hardly a great example.' Pippa says, hugging her knees to her chest.

'Perhaps not at first, but now look at her with Matt. She's so happy, and they love each other and their relationship is equal. He's a good guy, one she can trust and rely on. She found true love. So will you.'

'I just think that love is dangerous. Giving your heart to someone, with no way to tell what they'll do with it. I mean Charles gave his heart to Julie, and she got bored of it and threw it away.'

'I think that's the risk we have to take. We have to risk getting hurt, in order to get something good.'

'I hope I'm brave enough to do that.' She wipes her eyes. 'Sorry I got all weird on you, sometimes I just...things crop up, you know?'

'Yeah, I know.'

'Have fun at the fair.' She brushes away all traces of sadness, and smiles brightly, 'Bring me back some cotton candy.'

'Will do.' I promise. 'See you later sis.'

''Yeah,' she smiles and picks up her book, 'I'll see you later.'

'What on earth are you wearing?' I ask when I meet Charles outside his house. He's locking up while Katie gets the kids into the car.

'Clothes.' He looks confused, but he's not the one who should be confused. That's all on me. Charles is strictly a jeans, shirt, waistcoat kind of guy. A comfortable blend of English teacher and Indie Rocker, that somehow works for who he is. Yet right now he's in a pair of beige slacks and a light blue polo shirt. He looks more like he's about to go play a round of golf at the club, than spend the evening at the fun fair with his family and friends.

He looks like the boys Julie goes to school with, the ones who do go and play golf at the club. He doesn't look like him. Even his hair has been neatly combed out of it's normal scruffy style.

'Are you wearing aftershave?' I raise an eyebrow.

'I know ok. I look ridiculous. I feel ridiculous.' He groans.

'Then why are you wearing that stuff?'

'Phase two.'

'Uh phase two was proximity, not...reinvention.'

'You said I needed to convince Julie that I can be the kind of boyfriend she wants.' He indicates his clothes, pulling at the shirt. 'This is what she wants. She's the one who bought me this stuff.'

'Char, I said you need to remind her why she fell in love with you. Not change who you are to fit into what you think she wants.'

'Love is about making sacrifices.' He replies, 'As far as I'm concerned, wearing some new clothes and combing my hair, isn't a huge sacrifice to make if I want to win her back.'

'Well, it's up to you.' I shrug. I think about the conversation I just had with my sister. Could she be right? Does Julie think that everyone is hers to do what she wants with. That she can just play with us like we're dolls? Ones she can style the way she wants, and make us act the way she wants.

I think the very fact that I'm here in town and not in New York right now, answers that question for me. It leaves me with an uneasy feeling as I climb into the minivan.

'You look nice by the way.' Charles says once he's checked everyone is buckled in, and he's pulling out of the drive.

'Oh, thanks.' I smile and roll down my window to breathe in the summer air.

'You ok?'

'Fine.' I shrug.

'You don't seem fine.'

'I was just thinking about something Pippa said earlier.' I shake my head, 'No big deal.' I turn away from him and look out of the window. I hang my arm out and feel the wind passing through my fingers as we drive. Closing my eyes so that the light dances across my eyelids, painting pictures in warm reds and golds.

I can tell when we're getting close to the fair, because the sound of music floats up to meet me. It mingles with cheers and laughter. The air thickens with the salty taste of the water, interspersed with the smell of corn dogs, sugared doughnuts, and other fair food which is impossible to resist, even though you know it'll end up leaving you nauseous.

I open my eyes once the car is stopped, turn and see Charles watching me carefully. A warm heat spreads up into my cheeks.

'What?' I ask, suddenly worried that I have something on my face, or the small amount of makeup I have on has smudged or something.

'Nothing, you just look...' He shakes his head.

'I look what?'

'You look sad.' He says softly, 'Sometimes I look at you and it looks like there's this sadness that's crushing you.'

'Does it?' I say shifting in my seat. My fingers finding the hem of my skirt and playing with it.

'I wish I could figure you out.'

'There's nothing to figure out.' I say quickly, perhaps a little too quickly.

'I know you can't talk about it...whatever it is. I know you can't and that's ok. Just know that if you ever do need someone to unload on. I have pretty broad shoulders.'

'There's nothing to unload.' I say pushing my door open. 'I'm fine.' I say it with an edge in my voice, which I know screams that I'm not fine. I can't take it back now, though, so I just get out of the car and start getting the kids out.

'Libs.' Charles finds his way to my side.

'I'm fine Char, really I am so don't worry about me. You've got your mom to think about, and the kids and Julie. Focus on what's important.'

'You're important too.' He says, his hand finding my arm and turning me towards him. There are tears in my eyes and I don't want to do this. Not here, not when we're supposed to be having fun.

'Do you think people can hide who they are Char?' I ask, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

'Is this about the clothes?' He smiles lightly.

'No.' I laugh, but it comes out closer to a sob, 'Though...I don't know, maybe that's what made me think of it. I just...it scares me sometimes that we can't always trust what we see. Sometimes people can put on such a good show. I do it. I did it to Julie and her friends. I put on a performance so good that they believed I was a murderer.'

'Libs what's this about?'

'I don't want to be like that. I don't like it when people pretend to be something they're not. When they put on a show for the world, making it seem like they're one thing when they're just masking their true selves. People do that, for a lot of different reasons, but I think it's wrong. I...' I shake my head, 'I don't even know.'

'Charles, you promised I could ride the carousel with Libby.' Georgia tugs at Charles' arm.

'In a minute.' Charles says, keeping his eyes on mine, which are filled with tears. 'Libs, what are you so afraid of? You look so scared, tell me what's wrong.'

'I'm scared of pretending too much, of being like...' I stop myself as I see Julie approaching. I wipe the tears out of my eyes and take Georgia's good hand. 'Come on sweetie, let's go get on that white horse.'

'Yay.' Georgia squeals.

'Libs wait.' Charles calls after me.

'It's fine, really, funny five minutes, that's all.' I call over my shoulder. I don't stop walking, I just keep moving forwards until we reach the carousel, and I'm able to let go of the sadness which crept up on me in the car.

I almost told him everything. I wanted to tell him and that scares me.

Twenty Six – Charles

'She's gone you know.' Julie steps right in front of me, so that she's standing almost exactly where Libby had been standing a few minutes before, 'What was all that about anyway?'

'I honestly have no idea.' I shake my head and look over Julie's shoulder, following the path that Libby just took, but she's already out of sight. Mingling into the crowds of people that flood here each year for the fair. I feel Julie shake my arm and I realize that she'd said something, and I'd completely missed it. 'Sorry, what?'

'I said,' she laughs musically, a sound that I know well and makes me wish I could take her hand in mine and not have to keep my distance, 'you look really nice tonight.'

'Thanks.' I say. I feel self-conscious in these clothes, and what Libby just said about masking who we are, has hit a nerve. I know it upsets her, scares her even. I just don't know why.

'I always knew that you'd look good in clothes like this, you see I'm always right. I now just need to convince Libby to let me give her a makeover.'

'Libs looks perfect the way she is.' I say, feeling fiercely protective all of a sudden. Maybe it's because Libby seems so fragile tonight, or maybe it's because she's my best friend and just like when someone attacks a member of my family, I don't take kindly to people attacking my friends.

'Calm down, it would only be a few minor improvements.' Julie rolls her eyes.

'Charles. Sean wants to know if we're going to stand by the car all night, or do we actually get to go into the fair?' Lewis asks. I'm actually surprised that he's still standing here, even more surprised that Katie is also here. Holding April and telling Sean to be patient. Apparently she really meant she was going to try and be better at helping out.

'Of course we're going inside.' I smile, leading the way into the fair. 'Where are you meeting your friends Katie?'

'By the roller coaster. I was thinking though, I don't like going on the big rides, so I wondered if you wanted me to take April with me. So that you don't have to watch all of them.'

'Are you sure?' I ask.

'Completely sure.' She nods, 'I'll meet you back at the car at ten, ok?'

'Yeah.' I nod and smile at her, 'yeah, ok.'

'Great, have fun.' She hurries off into the fair, while I check to make sure the boys are still with me and then set off towards the carousel, even though Lewis is begging me to take him on the roller coaster.

'I will Lewis, soon I promise. I just want to find Libs.'

'Oh, let her go off and sulk.' Julie replies, 'You know what she can get like sometimes.'

'I want to make sure that she's ok. Besides, Libby and I always ride the roller coaster together.'

'She's only been to the fair twice, it's not like it's a long standing tradition. You and I have a much longer standing tradition of going on the Ferris Wheel together.' She smiles at me, 'Why don't we start there?'

'Because,' I hesitate, but only for a second. Hanging out with Julie is definitely what I want to be doing, but I have other priorities right now, 'Sean will only ride the Ferris Wheel with someone older than Lewis.' I reply, scanning the crowds.

'So?'

'So, it's only two per carriage and if I'm on one with you, then Lewis is riding with a stranger and Sean is on the ground. We need to find Libby. That way she can ride with Sean, after you and I go on. Then we'll come off and I'll take Lewis on...'

'I'm thirteen, I don't need you to ride with me.' Lewis protests.

'What did mom say yesterday buddy?' I ask.

'She said... that since my friends aren't at the fair, I can't wander off, and I can't go on the rides with strangers, and I have to do what you say.' Lewis grumbles. 'I don't see why.'

'Because,' I reply as we make it to the carousel, 'there are a lot of people here. A lot of people that you don't know, and I don't want you getting lost. I'd feel more comfortable if you went on the rides with someone you know. Deal?'

'I guess.' He's still not happy, but thankfully he's decided not to argue the point. He probably knows that I'll happily march him back home if he kicks up a fuss.

'Well tonight should be a tonne of fun,' Julie rolls her eyes, 'taking turns on the rides. I am so glad that I came.'

'I'm sorry Julie. I know that this isn't how you wanted tonight to go, but...'